mfh Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 Wednesday is our 25th Wedding Anniversary. I have referred to this before and hope folks are not getting a bit fried with my repeating it.... but as the day approaches I find the pain increasing. My experience with these anniversaries and firsts is that the actual day might be easier than the anticipation and remembering and the dreams that precede. Today I read many of the monthly anniversary cards and poems Bill gave me...each month on the 22nd for 22 of the close to 24 years we were together. The last year or so he was not able to write poems or even sign cards. We exchanged cards and went to dinner on the 22nd every month. Sometimes he would waken me at midnight so he was first to remember it was our anniversary. The following song was played at our wedding..we waited a long time for each other...knowing someday, somewhere we would be together...and now it seems very appropriate now as I wait once again to be with him. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tji4vpLrXzA&feature=related Somewhere There's a place for us Somewhere a place for us Peace and quiet and open air Wait for us Somewhere There's a time for us Some day a time for us Time together With time to spare Time to learn Time to care Someday Somewhere We'll find a new way of living We'll find a way of forgiving Somewhere There's a place for us A time and place for us Hold my hand And we're halfway there Hold my hand And I'll take you there Somehow Someday Somewhere Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 I have always loved that song! I know it is special to you and I hope you will be able to hold the wonderful memories close to your heart on your anniversary. Its so hard when you finally find "the one" and then they are taken from you too soon, I know. An early Happy Anniversary to you, Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
new Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 Dear mfh I wish you a good day and happy memories on your anniversary Wednesday. Your posts send heartfelt messages of your love for each other. Pat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 You can speak of it as often as you need to, that's what we're here for, and besides, it's nothing all of us haven't faced as well. Those special days are very prominent reminders to us...we have so many memories, and they serve as a reminder to us of all we have lost and miss. I hope your anniversary passes with good memories and comfort and peace sustain you through it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 Dear Pat and Kay, Thank you for your kind words and the reminder that I can say what I need to as many times as i need to. I decided I will go to the cemetery in the morning and then re-visit our honeymoon site which is not too far away from here. We did not have much money so we stayed at a State Park for a week and rode our motorcycles through Wisconsin's incredible countryside. I always plan to spend these days alone and this time I am going to do that. It has not worked out in the past months so I am going to make it work out this time. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Well, this day has finally arrived. The anticipation has been rough. Tomorrow would be our 25th anniversary. I know numbers mean little but Bill and I planned to make this an important day because we were never sure we would make it with both of us alive...and of course, we did not. I plan to visit Bill's grave and take our dog and some flowers in the morning. Some friends bought a stone bench for me to sit on up there. It is a small country cemetery overlooking the hills. Then I will take a ride in our wonderful countryside up to where we honeymooned 25 years ago. It is a couple of hours from here. We spent the week riding one of our motorcycles through the glorious countryside and canoeing the Kickapoo River. Neither of us had ever been in a canoe, the river was low so we carried the canoe more than rowed it. But when we did row it, he was in the back doing the work while I was in front spraying bug spray because it was black fly season in Wisconsin. Gentle and kind Bill finally asked me not to use anymore spray because, without me knowing it, all the spray was going back to him and he was coughing up a storm. One evening we bought a half gallon of chocolate ice cream and with two spoons ate the entire thing...did not feel too well later on. I might also stop at the spiritualist camp tomorrow. I have never been there but there are mediums and psychics there and I will just see what I do. Not sure about that. Not my normal behavior but this place has a good reputation. A friend used to go there. Friends have offered to spend the day with me but I feel that I would not invite a friend to share Bill's and my celebration of our wedding if he were alive... so tomorrow I will take my journal and spend the day alone. I am so grateful for the time we had together. A part of me is missing now...part of my heart and part of my soul and i have cried through these days a lot more than usual. We had hoped to be in Paris or Banff or somewhere on a glorious trip. I thank you all for the support you offer....it means so very much. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 I want to wish you a happy anniversary...you know that he still loves you and I bet he wishes he could have woken you up and be the first to wish you happy anniversary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 Happy Anniversary Mary. The day that you have planned sounds wonderful, I'm sure you will feel Bill's presence today. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 KayC and Lainey Thank you for your message and support. I just got home having gone to our honeymoon site and then to the cemetery. It was a sad day and a day of good memories. I am emotionally spent. Thank you so much. Means so much. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just one more hug Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 The day I have been dreading is coming around tomorrow..June 23rd... 1st anniversary without my Bill. We had no exotic plans and I would be happy just going to Walmart....or the gas station..or no where at all..as long as he was with me. I'll just kiss his picture like I do every morning...wish him happy anniversary...play our song and maybe even dance and pretend he is holding me...we loved to dance...and I know he will be right here with me......tears are sure to fall...been holding them back all day...but I will survive yet another 1st...he'd want me to. I miss him soooo much these last three plus months....seems like forever and then seems like only yesterday...I feel like I am living someone else's life....and want my own back....but....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Just one more hug, I could have written your post...I do understand your feelings. Today was our 25th anniversary and I never thought I would be at Bill's grave on this day but there I was. I understand the time thing....it seems like yesterday and forever at the same time. The anticipation is, for me, worse than the day. Though I cried on and off all day. This life is not what we planned and not one we want...and accepting it is a process, I am learning. I miss my Bill also...half my heart, if not all of it, is gone. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Peace for a moment or two tomorrow. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just one more hug Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 For some strange reason I woke up this morning with a light heart...perhaps because I have been thinking how grateful I am for all the years Bill and I had together...luckier than a lot of people...seems we really never get enough time with the ones we love. I try to convey to others to cherish every moment cause you just never know....Kissed his picture and wished him a happy anniversary..have not danced yet...but I will...I truly believe he can hear me and in spirit, will dance with me. Sounds silly but the only way I will make it through today...and his words I heard so many times through the years, Don't hurry..Don't worry... That was my Bill...I'm trying!!!!....Peace and love to all of you experiencing another 1st....Carol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Just one more hug I hope you day continued to be ok. You were on my mind. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just one more hug Posted June 24, 2011 Report Share Posted June 24, 2011 Thank you Mary....I danced...if anyone had seen they would have called the funny farm to come get me...but it felt so good...I closed the blinds ..held out my arms...and I danced....in my heart I know he was there....a kind of peace just came over me for the moment...I know this sounds crazy...and now the tears start....but it was almost like having him back for that moment...if only it was that easy....just eased the grief for a little while....heart still aches with loneliness....the price for love they say....Carol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 24, 2011 Carol, I am so glad you danced and those who would not do that are the ones who belong on the funny farm I truly do believe he was there. I believe Bill is with me 24/7. I KNOW he can not be anywhere else...because I would be incapable of not being with him if I had died. This grief is horrific and yes, the price of loving so deeply and being so at one with another. I would not trade a moment of it to be relieved of this pain. I cry daily. Our 25th anniversary yesterday knocked the wind out of my sails and today I felt like a dish rag...pretty much how I feel every day I am so glad you had those moments. I know your heart aches with loneliness and no one can take that pain and loneliness away except one person....who you (and I ) WILL see again someday when our journeys are done. I wish you another moment of joy. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted June 24, 2011 Report Share Posted June 24, 2011 Carol, I hope this greeting gets to you on the right day. Happy Anniversary, I'm so glad the dance made you feel like Bill was with you. He most likely was/is with you all the time. I think we must believe that they are with us,or I for one would go insane with longing. Lars is with me, guiding me through the rough times and smiling with me during the happy times. Our two oldest g/daughters had Gr. 8 farewell ceremonies and I know he was with me, proud of his babies. Hope this is your last first to get through.I'm at 18 months and have done all the firsts, some of the 2nds have been hard also.It does get a little easier as time goes on. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just one more hug Posted June 24, 2011 Report Share Posted June 24, 2011 Thank you so much for your words of understanding Mary and Lainey....I did get through the day...and the dance..then sobbed into my pillow all night. Emotions going crazy but feeling better this morning. Counting my blessings...and you all are among them. I know this has been repeated here many many times, but to share with others who are going through this ....God must have guided me here because I don't feel so wierd and apart from everyone else around me when I read these posts. Your hearts feel the same as mine, broken but with that spark of hope we will see them again. Do you ever wonder what it will really be like??? I think too much about it sometimes. Will it be like in the movies, when you run into each others arms??? or just a meeting of spirits connecting in some odd way??? Not ashamed of telling you how I think about these things because I'll bet we all do it at some time...not something I would talk about to just anyone.... but to those of us who have this longing to be reunited...it does not sound crazy...to me anyway. Well, better get on with my day....girlfriend, who has a husband going through a lot of bad health stuff right now, wants to do coffee...so we will try to solve all the worlds problems with all the answers and try to forget ours...for which there are no answers...just hope and faith......She lost her son in a horrific accident and is confident she will see him again...she also gives me hope. At only three months...sounds like I have a long road to travel...hope my faith holds out. Love and thanks for being here.....Carol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted June 24, 2011 Report Share Posted June 24, 2011 Mary, Sorry for the late reply. I hope you got through your anniversary okay and that you're doing relatively well. I'm sure Bill was there with you, as he still is.... Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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