My Wife's Mom Passed Away 8 Months Ago And Now She Wants To Separa

[Loving Husband]

Last November my wife lost her best friend - her mother. She had been sick with a rare lung disease, which over a span of 14 years resulted in numerous operations removing most of her lungs. She was down to just 30% lung capacity, and every day was a struggle. The last 2 years of her life I went out of my way to make my mother-in-law comfortable. I set up a spare bedroom for her and invited her over to spend a few nights in a row with us on a regular basis. In November she had a routine procedure, not a surgery, but she ended up in ICU and three days later she passed in the presence of my wife and I. They next few months my wife and I grew much closer. I had been warned that she will need me more than ever, and I made it a point to be there. We grew closer and our marriage grew stronger, only she grew sadder. Then, just about 8 weeks ago I noticed a change in my wife. She became impatient with our two young kids (10 and 5) and grew distant with me. At the same time she grew closer to our friends, getting to the point where I would come home from work and she would be talking to them on the phone for hours, and never even saying hello to me before I headed to bed. She stopped sleeping in bed with me, opting to lie down with our daughter instead. Then the Facebook quotes started just a week or two ago, talking about knowing when to end a routine and start fresh. I thought she meant grieving, but just this past Tuesday she explained that she needed to find herself, that she was no longer happy being married. That it was not me, it was her. She got mad at me for suggesting that she is my happiness, and told me to read a book or find some other hobby to find happiness, but that happiness should not be derived from a person. She explained that she is independent by nature, and that I should be too. Se told me that it is not my job to take care of her, all of these things that she herself would never have said two months ago. She is so fixated on her mom being a strong single woman that she seems to want to keep her alive by becoming her mom. This Sunday is our 19th anniversary of being together. We have been married for 14 years this coming November. I have read many posts here about GF's leaving their BF's, but haven't found any to address a long term, strong husband and wife relationship. We are in counseling, but she keeps saying she does not agree with what the counselor is saying. I feel like I am way up high looking at all of the pieces of my life, and I see this one big piece which defines who I am, drifting away. And I am helpless to stop it. My wife is my existence. Since Tuesday I have broken down crying every day at every location imaginable, from the subway, to the train, to my car, to the bar. I have lost 20 pounds in three days, I cannot eat or drink anything. I am sick to my stomach, and my kids are scared to death as well. At this point I have asked her to stop confiding so much in our friends. I have two of them, both men, to please refrain from acting as a mediator or a confidant while my wife and I sort things out. They have both respected my wishes, but my wife is resentful of this. She thinks I am accusing her of cheating, and I am not. I just feel it is unhealthy for our marriage if she keeps going to other men for comfort. One of their wives is even a little uncomfortable with it as well. At this point she has agreed to stop using her friends to replace me. She isn't sure what she wants, she lets me hug her and she hugs me back, but she won't initiate a hug, which is not like her at all. I believe I can save my marriage, but how? Do I back off and risk a repeat of before, or do I try and continue moving forward. I just don't want to lose her.

[MartyT]

Dear friend,

I'm so sorry to learn of the difficulties you're experiencing in your marriage in the wake of your father-in-law's death, and I certainly understand and appreciate your concerns. You say that "We are in counseling, but she keeps saying she does not agree with what the counselor is saying." I'm not sure what that means, but I hope you have shared that information with your counselor, and I hope you'll continue with counseling, even if that means going by yourself. I don't think any of us can answer whether your marriage can be saved, but we're certainly here to offer you compassion and support as you continue to work with your counselor.

[kayc]

You are very right to protect your marriage by not allowing your wife to turn to other men in her need...many an affair has started that way, with people who never intended it to go there. You need to be the one for her and vice versa. If your wife doesn't like the counseling she's getting, perhaps she could tell you why and together you could seek out someone you both agree with. If she refuses to go, I would continue to go myself, just to learn how to deal with this. Losing 20 lbs so quickly tells me you are indeed very stressed in all of this, I am so sorry. Please do all you can to meet your wife's needs meanwhile, as much as she'll let you and don't put any demands or pressure on her. Sometimes all we can do is work on ourselves, we can't control the other person or even the outcome. I really wish you the best in this and am praying for peace to come to your soul. There comes a time we have to let go of the outcome and just do what we know we need to do, but it is a hard thing to do esp at first.

[Loving Husband]

The counselor is telling her that she needs to stop going to her male friend with her problems. That she needs to be coming to me instead. She disagrees with this. I have asked her male friend to take a step back, that his friendship is interfering with our marriage. He has been respectful of my wishes, though my wife may have scared him off by telling him I accused her of having an affair - something I never did. My wife keeps trying to communicate with him through texts, but her won't respond. His birthday was Friday and she sent him well wishes which he ignored. As he is married our friends have told me that his wife may have found out about my request to him, and he has pulled away not because I asked, but because she did. But yesterday my wife made me send him a text telling him she would be calling him to meet him to explain to him what had happened this past week. I agreed to do so feeling backed into a corner. I felt I would lose her if I didn't do it. I made it clear that I was doing so against my better judgment and that I still was not comfortable with their friendship. But I love her so much that if this friendship, which she swears is only a friendship (I believe she has an emotional affection/attraction for him), means that much to her, I can't stand in the way of her happiness no matter how scared I am.

[MartyT]

Dear friend, forgive me for being blunt, and I apologize if this sounds harsh. But as hard as this may be for you to hear, it seems to me that both you and your wife are choosing not to follow the advice of your counselor. Presumably you are paying for the help and support of a professional marriage counselor, but if neither one of you pays attention to what she is telling you, what is the point? I get the impression that your wife is manipulating you into doing what she wants to do regardless of the consequences, and by letting your wife "make" you do exactly what she wants, you are enabling her to do it. If you're not familiar with the concept of enabling, you might want to read this article: Enabling Behavior. I strongly encourage you to bring all of this to the attention of your counselor, and soon. That is why you went to see her in the first place.

[haveFAITH]

Loving husband, just follow your heart. Whatever is meant to be in the end --will be. Listen to the whispers of your destiny. You know more about your marraige then the councelor does. If you feel in your heart of hearts that you need to be more affectionate and fight for your wife --do it. If you feel it is best to allow her to go through this, the way she is because it might be what needs to be --let it. Dont force anything. Allow everything to flow peacefully, day by day. Please keep us updated on your situation.

[kayc]

I have belonged to marriagebuilders.com for three years and have learned so much from it. One of the things I've learned is that affairs and the people involved are classic in what they do, the stages they go through, how it develops, what they say, how they justify it, etc. It nearly always starts as an "emotional affair" and the persons involved deny it and say they are "just friends". Dr. Harley, who started the site and wrote "His Needs, Her Needs", "LoveBusters", and "Surviving an Affair" among other books, says that no marriage is immune, no person "above" having an affair (given the right circumstances), that rather than blindly trusting, we should "affair proof" our marriages by meeting each others needs and spending adequate quality time with each other. He discourages partners from spending too much time apart, from confiding in others of the opposite sex. We need to put each other as priority in our lives and only when both do that, does it really work. One person can sometimes save a marriage, but it is very hard. They have a very good set of principles and steps to follow that give a very good rate of saving the marriage. Literally thousands of marriages have been saved there...but not all, for it is up to the individuals involved, but if the guidelines are followed, it really ups the chances. She needs to cut contact with anyone that is a threat to the marriage, and by turning to someone other than you, that IS a threat to the marriage. I honestly encourage you to go there and post your story and let some of the vets like MelodyLane give you advice and help you with this before it's too late. I take this very seriously as I've read too many accounts that started like this. It is the best site I have ever seen for saving marriages. After three years I am still learning but there are some there who have been there for years and spend countless hours helping others...they have immersed themselves in it because they saved their marriages and want very much to pay it forward the same way they were helped, the same as I feel about this site here. Marty is indeed right, it does no good to pay a counselor and then not listen to them.

Your wife is doing what they call "gaslighting"...it is a way of twisting things, justifying, trying to make you think you're crazy for what you see because they want to deflect from the truth and don't want to be accountable for their actions. They usually get pretty bullheaded about it too. Marriagebuilders would give you step by step advice as to how to handle this. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and it's important not to fall prey to it. I want to add that people who have suffered a loss are esp. vulnerable, it's not that uncommon. Good luck, I wish you the best in bringing this marriage around to what it can be.

[Loving Husband]

After a few good conversations I believe that my wife went to her friend with her feelings and confusion, I believe she was protecting me from getting hurt when she would not let me read what she wrote him. She said the idea of divorce is very painful for her, to be the "cause" of the split up. She told me that I was a good guy and I didn't deserve this, I deserve better than her. But she said that she needed to make changes. She was no longer afraid of the unknown and to take chances. She was not afraid to make changes. What was curious about that, she never said that she WANTED change. It was about needing change and having the courage to do it. She admits that she doesn't know if being unmarried will bring her happiness. But she was annoyed with me for not moving out, and for not giving her space. That even if I move into the basement, it's not the same thing. (I have nowhere else to go, we live paycheck to paycheck as it is.) I offered not to go on vacation with them next week. She was mad at me for suggesting that I not go on vacation next week because it made her look like the bad guy in my kids' eyes. She also said that we are going to counseling next week and she wants her counselor to recommend a good marriage counselor. That is a good sign, no?

[haveFAITH]

God bless you -this is all so confusing as it seems nothing is making her happy right now. Good luck with the marraige counseling. Perhaps they will be able to dig into what is really bothering her.

[kayc]

I strongly strongly strongly encourage you to go to marriagebuilders.com and post to the infidelity section...even though as far as you know it is not an infidelity situation, it is a place where there is the most traffic and the seasoned veterans will see your thread and post to it...their advice will be immeasurable and will give you the greatest chance for saving your marriage. I hate to say it, but it reads like a script, you are not alone and your situation is not unique, unfortunately. Everything you write is stuff I have heard before, hundreds, maybe thousands of times (her responses). Please copy and paste what you've written here into a thread there, I'm not kidding, they can really help you. I'd try but they have dealt with this so much more, their direct responses would really help you. There is a lady there that goes by MelodyLane and she is very experienced in helping people, she's been there for years, has thousands of posts, and she has saved her own marriage (several years later now).

Please keep us updated and I wish you the very best!