Reflections After The First Year...

[Deb625]

It has been a difficult time since May 17th, 2010, I honestly don't know how I survived sometimes. I can remember the pain so unbearable, all consuming... What I found through this journey, is that I have survived. I got through the first three months, where I don't know if I ate - I know I didn't sleep. I lost 30lbs (which was needed and haven't come back ...). It was six months before I recognized that I had my first thought about anyone outside of my "grieving" world, when I cared that a friend was going through a rough patch - that I could see there was a world outside of my tears. I remember thinking maybe I'll be okay - one day... That I'm moving forward... I know I am truly blessed with good friends and good family and you all here (the people that let me know my chaotic, grieving world was "normal").

I got through the first year - and it was messy. I really should have bought "stocks" in kleenex, which is a thought I'm sure many of us have...

I have always been pretty reasonable and I realized early on the tears would flow and that I wouldn't just "get over this". I realized that what my life "was" would not "be" and that I would have to (not by choice, but reality) re-define myself. Wow. I can say that is still the hard part and I think what most of us struggle with - I was a "we" and now it is just "me" - and how can that be? The person I loved, shared my world with is suddenly just gone? I still struggle. I look at this journey as being a baby when "death" happened, I have since maybe begun to crawl, I'm still not walking... I still shed tears everyday. Death is just so unfair and it is just wrong. It is hard to reconcile that my Michael left this world, left me - we had a whole future planned - My Michael died at the age of 45.

I guess I want to say, it has been over a year now since the world as I knew it changed. I know I am not the same person I was when my Michael left. I still don't know who I am and I know I am still working on figuring that out. My reality is that I still cry but not as hard or for as long as I once did, I now can work a full day, and I've even had a couple of day where I felt really good... I'm not "better", nor am I "fixed" - but I'm moving forward, hoping for more really great days... I just had Canada Day long weekend and I was back in the vortex of grief and I hurt and the tears and sobs flowed -I recognize, that I just needed to cry and with each passing tearful day I just held the hope that tomorrow would be a better day... Today was better and after a year I can reflect that the "space" between melt-downs is greater. My Michael will always have my heart, he will always be such a large part of who I am and he in life and death will shape who I will become (I just hope and pray I do him proud). I know my Michael would not want me to be sad forever... This truly is a journey of many, many baby steps and we just have to keep one foot in front of the other. I know I will come through through this. One day I might even recognize and rejoice in who I "am"...

[melina]

Deb,

This is a wonderful post. You've really found your strength and have grown from this horrible experience. Although you still grieve, you are able to see a few points of light. That's good to know - and it must be good for the newbies here to see that we can and do make progress.

It will be a year for me on August 5th, something I'm not looking forward to. On the other hand, we have to try to focus on what we've accomplished in that time. Your post is inspirational in that sense.

I live in Norway, which has a national health program much like Canada's. They really ought to offer Kleenex as necessary health product - I must have gone through a hundred boxes this past year.

Melina

[Guest Nicholas]

Deb, I agree with Melina, a wonderful post from an insightful person.

Take care

Nicholas

[ksbeachbum]

Wondering if I will make it to the one year. 3 months down and 9 more seems like eternity or unbearable.

Becky

[melina]

Becky,

You will. We're all in this together.

Melina

[mfh]

Deb, a great post. I congratulate you on what you have done and on sharing this with us and on your honesty with yourself. I understand at 15 months how the melt downs no longer occur daily though they still occur.

Becky, you WILL make it. It is an eternity and feels unbearable but every day proves that we do bear the pain. Not our choice for sure. I hit bottom less often now than at 4 months and I still hate the reality of this loss. I always suspected Bill would die before me as he was 9 years older and longevity runs in my family but one is never ready no matter when it occurs and I did not expect him to die now. We will all survive this and hopefully begin to thrive again...seems far off and impossible but we will and we are different people so it won't look the same.

Mary

[dave s]

THANKS FOR THE INSPIRATION AS I CONTINUE ON AT 8 WEEKS AND 1 DAY, MIKE WAS ALSO 45 WHEN HE PASSED, TODAY HAS BEEN THE FIRST DAY THAT I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DRIVE TO WORK WITHOUT CRYING! BUT AM WELL AWARE THAT THIS JOURNEY IS NOT OVER AS I TRY TO REMAKE MYSELF, WITH MIKE BEING A PART OF THAT REBIRTH....DAVE

[Cheryl]

Thankyou for your inspirational words. I am approaching the two year mark and looking back it is hard to remember that first year. My husband was 49 when he died. It still is a shock to me. So many of the things you said ring true to me also. thankyou for sharing. cheryl