5 Truths About Breakups

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

Here is an article from this morning's Huff Post Women that you may find of interest:

5 Truths About Breakups (That No One Ever Tells You)

by Melissa Lafsky

Posted: 9/8/11 12:23 PM ET

There's something unique about common experiences. On a planet packed with billions of people, each living encapsulated inside his/her own head, the idea of an experience that we all share is pretty mind-blowing.

Granted, not all of these shared undertakings are positive. In fact, many of them involve feeling like you're crawling through varying vestibules of Hell.

Take breakups. Ask any living person, anywhere, and they can tell you how breakups feel -- like utter sh*t. It's pure awfulness -- rejection and pain and loss so bad you can barely fill your lungs with anything but bile. Still, it's a marvel when you think about it -- from the hidden Amazonian tribesmen to the highest Wall Street moguls, every one of these billions of people will tell you the same thing about breakups: They f**king suck.

Still, as with anything, there are a few truths that can help ease the pain, no matter your situation (or geographic location). Read more here > > >

[kayc]

Interesting take...

The first thing she wrote was probably one of the most important to remember. Yes we grieve but we don't need the trauma as she puts it...when our ex says to us "It's not you, it's me."...believe them. Chances are they're right. It's not us, it's them. Remember not to personalize even though it hurts like hxll and it sure FEELS personal...don't own their breakup, it's theirs, they chose it and let them have it. As for us...it's good for us (with time and with a heck of a lot of grieving meanwhile) to move on from it...don't give them the power to wound us forever, tell yourself no matter what it feels like right now, you're going to be okay...eventually.

[mfh]

Thanks, Marty. I sent it to my niece who is going through a painful divorce. Mary

[Arthur]

because break ups hurt. alot especially when its someone you care about. i dont know why you girls dont see it. being friends just doesnt work. if you see your ex everyday how are you supposed to move on? you cant and thats why.

[kayc]

"You girls"? For every man and woman that continue to see each other...that involves an equal number of men as women, so how is this thrust at "you girls"?

Just for the records, my ex-fiance and I have managed to maintain an enjoyable friendship, but we first had to have time to get over each other. It's possible, but not everyone can do that.

[Jennis26]

Anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one and who has dealt with the pain of that experience by seeing a counselor or working through self-help workbooks will tell you that there are five stages of grief that you go through as you deal with this loss. What you may not know is that we go through some version of these five stages of grief every single time that we feel a loss even if there isn’t a death involved. One type of loss that all of us eventually experience is the loss of a romantic relationship that was very important to us. When we go through that experience, we go through those same stages of grief that we would go through if someone close to us had died.

Of course, the way that we process the breakup of a relationship isn’t quite the same as how we would process a death. With a relationship, the other person is still there for us to interact with (at least theoretically; we may not actually be speaking to them). This complicates the traditional grief process because ongoing interaction can change the dynamics of the relationship and cause new patterns in dealing with the loss. Additionally, the possibility of getting back together with our romantic interest creates difficulty with some of the stages of grief. Nevertheless, as we go through the ending of a relationship, we will eventually go through all of those same five stages of grief.

[mfh]

Jennis26, I appreciated your post and would like to add that the stages of grief you spoke of have been set aside and never were intended by Kubler-Ross to be used as they have been over the years. Each person goes through loss and grief in their own unique way...no more five stages though there are many many similarities to people's journeys through grief.

Arthur, I am with kayc, just as many men as women (not girls) go through difficult times letting go, being friends with, etc. their soon to be or ex-spouse. It is a challenge to all. Some are able to remain friends....some can't. There is no rule of thumb. Once again, it is unique to each.

Peace to each of us as we walk our journeys,

Mary

[MartyT]

Mary, dear, thank you for your comments about the so-called "five stages of grief." I know you meant well, Jennis26, and I mean this as no criticism at all, but we owe it to the bereaved to do what we can to dispel this pervasive myth about stages. See, for example, my post about stages.