Last Words & Secrets

[Schnibley]

When Eddie was almost gone, I told him I loved him more than anything. I also told him I was sorry for not giving him a happier life while here. He told me that he didn't deserve to be happy. He continued to tell me about something he did before he married me. After that everything fell into place. Although he had been sober for the last 18 years, he had an underlying anger and saddness all these years. But I wasn't prepared for what he told me. At first I was thankful that he released this guilt and let go.

Four years later, now, I am haunted by his secret. What do I do? I think about the other people involved, specifically the victim. Should I try to find out something? Eddie was drunk. He wasn't driving (I assume). It was an accident, although a drunk driving one. But there is a family missing their son out there. I don't know if they ever knew what happened to their son or if they had closure but have questions about why.

I loved my husband. He wasn't the same person after he became sober. He did so much good for people in those last 18 years. He suffered so much at the hands of his family. He was my best friend, my other half.

I think of his secret often. But pursuing this secret....is it to feel close to him and give him life in my mind? Or is it for the family of the victim? I pray for all involved.

Any suggestions?

[mfh]

It surely sounds to me like you need to consider talking to a professional (grief counselor, therapist) to come to terms with a decision regarding this information. Your post indicates real concern about the family and whether they know what happened to their son. That concern is a pointer at the least but processing the whole picture with someone might be the best way to go. I am so sorry this happened. It is hard enough to grieve such a loss without having to deal with a tragic secret. Mary

[Earl C]

Dear Friend: Mary has made the best suggestion you could possibly get from any of us who are still figuring out how to get through life without our best friend. Seeing a professional may be the best possible choice for you, if that's possible. It may not be. After you've lost your mate, just like the rest of us, life gets foggy, and I don't truly understand how you've been carrying this around with you for four years without exploding. On top of losing our best friend in life, to have something like that hanging over us would be devastating, and I have to offer my own compliments to you regarding being able to maintain your sanity. It sounds like this is riddling your insides, and how you keep your health up is a mystery to me. I have enough trouble just making it through each day without the best friend I had in my life (and still do).

While each of us can help each other by listening and relating, I don't believe any of us has the capacity to help you with a problem such as this, because there are way too many holes we can't fill. For instance, you don't say whether or not you actually know the parents who have lost a son and may not know why or how; and, whether you live in a small community where most people know about everything that goes on; and, it sounds like someone else must have been involved, and if so, are they still alive, and would your digging into this matter create a whole new set of problems? These are all things that would have to be considered, and I can't even imagine the grief you are carrying, more than even the rest of us who just have a real conflict with living a new life we didn't want.

All I can say to you is, we're proud that you are able to raise the subject, that you are trying to resolve a conflict in your own spirit, and you're a brave person to consider others even when it is gnawing at you so deeply. These are great people on this network, and they will all try to help you in any way possible, so don't bail out on us, keep searching for a way to make YOU better.

Lots of love to you, and I'm so sorry you have to bear this extra burden in addition to losing your soul mate.

Earl

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Schnibley,

Mary is right, you should seek professional help about this matter. Like Earl said you are very brave to bring it up on here. It shows just how heavy it is weighing on your mind. It may be this that has brought your grief coming back to those feeling first felt after your husband passed away. I think you would like that other family to have closer, that they may not have gotten yet. It may even reach far beyond a grief counselor, or therapist. I wish you the best possible out come from this. Just keep coming back, we all care about you, and your health.

God Bless

Dwayne

It has been said, TIME HEALS all WOUNDS. I do not agree. The WOUNDS remain. In TIME the MIND protecting its SANITY, cover them with scar tissue, and the PAIN LESSENS, but is NEVER GONE.!!!!! ROSE KENNEDY

[Schnibley]

Thank you for all of your messages. I am taking the suggestions to heart. Another friend, Dave S., also brought up something I need to weigh. Eddie was a bit delusional at the end. Was this information real or not? I have tried to look into the situation. I couldn't find anything in the small town newpaper, but that just led me to question if anyone had ever found out.

I think at this point, I need to look at my own grief and become healthier before pursuing this topic. I've been shut down for four years...an ice princess/robot just as I was raised to be...and now it's time to deal with the loss. Maybe later I can look at this again.

Thanks again for your input. I forgot what it was like to not be alone.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Schnibley,

I do not believe that we are ever alone, We my be alone in the sense of no human contact. Like when we are in our homes or apartments. I believe that God sends our loved one's spirit to help us guide our way. I know this to be true, because Pauline and I have lived in our apartment for 21 years. She had the skill of a first class decorator. Her plans, we collected the items she needed, and I did the work. Everyone that comes in here says it looks like it is right out of those high end decorating magazines. She could walk into a room and see what was needed and where it would go. I do not feel alone in our apartment.

After being a long term caregiver, and I mean at least 13-14 years, the last 2 1/2 years I quite my job of 27 years to be with her full time. It took a toll on my body. I have had, one illness after another all summer. I may be at the end now. I pray to God I am. In July 25, 5 months to the day I had, surgery, as they woke me up in the recovery, the last thing I saw before I awoke, was Pauline's face, HEALTHY and HAPPY, her hair color was the same as I had colored it 5 weeks before she passed. That was a true gift from God, that I am not alone and she is here with me helping to guide my way. As soon as the DR's give me the ok, I will be starting nursing classes. That is what my goal is to do for the rest of my life.

Do I miss Pauline's human touch, yes I do every day, but I do not let the grief I feel control my life, I control the way I process the grief. Just yesterday, while talking to one of my best friends, I broke out in tears. It is ok to cry from time to time, that is just another way to help you through this grief. In 20 minutes I pulled myself together and was on my way for a CT Scan of my left lung, I follow up with the DR on Thursday, I am sure it is nothing, because God has given me enough illness, things that were going on in my body, while I was taking care of Pauline. After she passed I had all these plans and God did not like them, and said slow down let me take care of you, and get your health back in order. So that has is how my summer has gone, in bed not feeling to good to even get out.

So I decided I could wallow in my grief and sickness, or I could find something positive that happens everyday. So I put my mind back into the positive mode, where it has been all my life, and try to help as many people as I can. I have done just that, now I have this roaring fire inside of me, that Pauline, God, and my Lord and Savior JESUS CHRIST has lit for me. That is how I control this journey of grief. I wish I could bring this peace that I feel onto you. Never give up or give in. Always keep fighting your way out of the darkness, that has fallen upon on you. Find something everyday to take your mind off this grief and into a better place, Before you know it you will be going into your new life, feeling better and stronger.

God bless

Dwayne

[mfh]

Dear Schnibley,

I am relieved to hear you are going to first pursue your own grief, walk through it and deal with the pain, loss, anger if any and sadness. This other issue is not going away and dealing with your own grief (and I know that is a piece of it) is really important. We are all here to help you. Mary

[kayc]

I tend to think of practical issues and wonder if it could have legal financial ramifications for you as it could assail his "estate". You might want to consult legal counsel before doing anything. I'm sorry, I just think of these things...

I don't know if it would help the family to know or if it would stir up things that they've just finally laid to rest, who can know. Anyone out there that's been through something like this? If so, what are your thoughts?