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A Hard Week


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Today was my 41 wedding anniversary and here I sit alone. I am numb and still in a state of utter confusion. It has been 14 months since my husband died and I just feel so alone. We have been together since I was 14 and we married at 18 so he was my one and only. 6 years into our marriege he became disabled and I took care of him till he died in my arms 14 months ago. Since then my daughter has moved in with me so I would not be alone but I am lonely and longing for just one more kiss, one more hug or one more smile. Our journey together was hard and very trying but not one minute would I change. Now tommorrow is my husband's birthday more tears and more loneliness. The only thing that is giving me peace at this time is that he suffered for 35 years till his body said no more and God said no more and called him to a place where he would know comfort and peace. So here on my anniversary and on his birthday tomorrow I just want to say I love you and you are in my heart and I will survive

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Dear Susavi,

Hi, my name is Dwayne, and I understand how and what you are feeling. My wife, best friend, soul mate, and lover, also passed away from a long illness MS. Is that what your husband passed from? I am only coming on to 7 months in 5 days. But I have and you can change the way you process this grief we are all in. I also wanted ,just one more kiss, one more hug, even one more, I LOVE YOU. I did get that the day Pauline passed. She became pretty much unresponsive the last 3 days of her life. When she passed it was just her and I alone like always. I kissed her told her I loved her, and that I would be ok. I told her she was tired and it was ok to sleep now. In other words it's ok to go into God's Kingdom. I said I LOVE YOU, and her mouth move back at me an very faint you could hardly hear, I LOVE YOU TOO. Then she was gone. Early in the MS we decided to donate our body's to science. We talked about everything she wanted at and after the end of her life on earth. I knew down to the last detail what and when she wanted things to be done. I feel for you.

I have been sick all summer one thing after another. Which is common in long term caregivers to go through, because we are focused on our loved one and do not even realize things are happing in our own body until after. About 3 1/2 months into my grief. I could have easily just lied in bed and wallowed in my self pity. I do go to Hospice support meetings a least once a week. They do really help, to be able to talk to others who are going through what I am going through. But I made a decision, that I was going to control the grief and I would not let the grief control me.

Pauline and I have always had and I still have very strong Christian beliefs, I started going back to church about 7 weeks after Pauline passed. I would cry every time I was there, but that is ok it is good to get those feelings out. After I made my choice to control the grief I was in, a flame started burning inside me. Then on July 25, 2011, I had an operation. As the woke me in recovery, the last thing I saw as I awoke was Pauline's beautiful face, HAPPY and HEALTHY and even the very same hair color I had dyed for her 5 weeks before she passed. That flame went into a roaring fire inside me. Because seeing Pauline's face was a true gift from God. You to can battle your way out into the new light and life again. If I can do it anyone can. No one or anything will put out that fire inside me again. I still miss her and sometimes cry for her, but I feel her around me all the time. God sent her to me to help guide me back to help guide me through the rest of my journey of life. I will be starting school to become a nurse very soon. I had, one more test for my health one Monday, and I get the results on Wednesday. If I am good to go I will be at the Career Center on Thursday to get the classes started again. I was suppose, to have started in July, but because of my health I have lost the whole summer.

Susavi, I pray for you, that our loving, and forgiving God brings you the same kind of peace he blessed me with. I ask this in the name of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen

God Bless

Dwayne

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Dear friend, your post was beautiful, and thank you for giving us all something to think about. You are in a funk only because you had and still have so much love for your mate. 41 years is a very long time, and you have a lot to be proud of. Please don't dwell so much on the fact that you, as well as all of us out here, would just want another anything, whether it's a hug, kiss, or even just another conversation. In substitution, think more clearly about the many years you did have. I have to say, my Wanda used to read or at least glance through the death notices in the paper each morning because we have gotten old enough that every now and then we would find someone we know or used to be acquainted with, and now I have taken over that chore. Well, I never in my life heard of so many people who (1) died of cancer at home or in a hospice house; and, (2) passed away at 50, 52, 60, etc., meaning a lot of us are so lucky, downright blessed by God, to have had our loved one, our chosen life's partner for a longer time. My wonderful Wanda was 76, would be 77 in a month and a half, and if I had lost her at 60 or 62 I would feel so much worse. I see there are some on this site who only had 10 years or something like that, and that's a much worse situation than we had, my friend.

Your daughter is very helpful to you, I'm sure, and for her to come to you in order to prevent you from being alone is a great thing. However, we all know that having our relatives, our other loved ones with us, is not exactly the same as having our daily companion for so many years right with us. I can go in and do the dishes, and all the time I'm thinking of the times we did them together, talking about something, and to be real truthful, it's just plain her company that I miss so much.

Please believe me when I say (and, understand that I'm only 3 months, 16 days into this lonely part of my journey of this new life) that we do have to be thankful that our partner is in a better place than we are, and for those of us who believe (not everyone does, and that's within each of us to choose our path), I believe I will rejoin my best friend at some time in the future. But, let's also remember that if your husband (or, to some, significant other) was in pain, it is wonderful to know that the pain is gone now, and they are in loving arms. And, let's all know that if any couple is together long enough, at some point in time one will find that the other has gone on.....I happen to believe that my Wife, the magnificent Wanda, would have had a much harder time with this new, unwanted life than I am, and so I have to believe that by being still here, I have spared her this final pain, the grief that won't let up, and to be truthful I feel good about the fact that I'm taking that grief instead of her.

A lot of love to you and to all our friends on this site, and please continue to share your burden with us. I find it helps ease at least a little of the pain.

Earl C

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Susavi,

I feel your pain and sorrow as my wife Ruth joined God on 2/14/2010...everyone of us here wanted or want that last kiss, hug, smile or anything from our most beloved spouses...things will change as you travel this journey we are on, we are all here to listen and share with each other...you have a good outlook on things as none of us wanted any pain or suffering for our loved ones, know they are now at peace and in the glory of God and now have become our guardian angels...I like Dwayne pray for your comfort and that you will find some peace in the days to come....

NATS

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Earl,

You wrote..."I happen to believe that my Wife, the magnificent Wanda, would have had a much harder time with this new, unwanted life than I am, and so I have to believe that by being still here, I have spared her this final pain, the grief that won't let up, and to be truthful I feel good about the fact that I'm taking that grief instead of her".....I also feel the same way as you on this one and have given this much thought many times, it hurts but I am glad also that it's me not her going thru this....she was such a happy person with such joy in her every breath, I don't like to think what would have happened if the tables were turned...

Take Care My Friend In Grief...

NATS

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Nats,

I am with you and Earl on this one also. God gave me a gift in my life, I know as Pauline. I treated this gift with the up most respect, love, and joy I could give her. Even to the very end. I was her gift from God to have someone in her life. To love and share a great life with, even as the MS progressed, she knew I would always be there for her, no matter how hard it would get. If I had gone into God's Kingdom first, it would not have been long before, she would have passed away. She always told me in the last 18 years if I was not there for her the physical pain would have been to much to bare, and she would have taken her own life to be free of the pain. I knew this, I understood this, so I always kept a very positive attitude with Pauline. Never letting her spirit, get to far down where I could not pull her back again. THAT is TRUE LOVE. I know we all had with our wives, and husbands.

God Bless

Dwayne

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Dear Susavi

I know you are in the midst of your husband's birthday today and I know how difficult that is having done that just once so far. Bill died almost 18 months ago and I took care of him for about 4 years plus. It was difficult, exhausting and painful and i would do it over and do it better. My heart reaches out to you as you go through this painful journey. Bill and I were soul mates for 36 years and I hoped for many more but Alzheimer's robbed us of those. I wish you a moment of peace today and gratitude for what sounds like an incredible journey the two of you had and will continue someday.

Mary

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