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Today is or I guess would be our 13th Wedding Anniversary. My husband has been gone from me a little over one year. Strangely enough I think today is even worse than it was last year. I am so lonley. I miss him so much. After 15 months the pain is still horrible. I don't want to be in this horrible place for the rest of my life, but it just doesn't seem to be getting much better.

I had to go shopping earlier today and the woman that was behind me in line just happened to mention that today was her 51 Wedding anniversary. What did I do to deserve only eleven years with my husband. I have never wanted very much in life; just someone to love and be loved by. Guess that is too much to ask for.

Thanks for listening.

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Dear Redwind30

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand that pain as I experience it. It is 18 months since my Bill died and I have lived through what would have been our 25th anniversary, his birthday, and more just as you have. At 18 months I function better than I did at 6 months but I do not miss him any less. I dream about him often, most lovely dreams, and waken to find him gone. I do not know how long it will be before he is not always in the front or back of my heart and mind. But I do understand your pain and you are not alone. I am sure you feel robbed at 11 years. I feel robbed at almost 25. We planned on many many years together...all of us. Just know I reach out to you with support.

Peace,

Mary mfh

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Dear Redwind30,

Like Mary, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, The amount, of years you spent together is never enough. I lost my Wife Pauline, 7 months ago. I long for her every day. I wish we could have had many more years we were married 30 years and lived together 3 years before we got married, so it was 33 years I had this most amazing woman in my life. She was my best friend, my soul mate, lover, and wife. She had a long battle with MS. It ate her way bit by bit every year after year. Then it was like a wild fire and her body could not take it any more. With her last breath of life she said to me, after I told her I would be alright and she could go to sleep now, and I love you, it was I LOVE YOU TOO. then she was gone. It brings tears to my eyes, even now. I wish you the very best.

God Bless

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I'm sorry...I only got 3 years 8 months being married to my husband, so I know how it feels to feel ripped of it. It has nothing to do with what we deserve though, some just luck out and others don't, it's luck of the draw. I don't believe for one second that someone planned that we get ripped apart so soon, I can't handle that kind of thinking, nope, I just think life happens or it doesn't and in our case, we missed out...but looking at it another way, we lucked out the day we met them and for whatever time we got, we got more than some people who are married 50 years. I'm sorry it seems even harder now, hang in there, it gets more bearable, even though the missing them part never goes away. (((hugs)))

Kay

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Dear Redwind,

A part of me suspects anniversaries will always be the toughest days. At least ours was this year. Maybe the third or fourth worst day of the whole experience--though nothing can compare with the death or leaving the grave. Or coming home to the truly empty house the first time.

I think we all have those days when we think things are getting worse instead of better. I hope we all have days, too, where we know things are getting better. But it easy to forget those days when the darkness closes in--and it seems like even on the good days we stay too aware of the possible return of the bad.

I've had a down month--too many firsts in it. Today, I want to spend some time looking at the distance I have come rather than the distance left to go--the distance I have come rather than the pain of this moment. I need to look at the joys of our life together, rather than the horror of the end. Hard to do with the clouds rolling in and the rain beginning to threaten in the reality here in Southeastern Mass., but a thing that needs doing, none-the-less.

The people further along in this journey tell us things will improve--though some of it will not go away. They were right about what I faced six months ago. They are likely right now as well.

So hang in there. The grief waves come and go. With each one we seem to ride them a little better. Some day we may even be able to stand up on these old surf boards and see over the tops of the waves. One can always hope.

Peace,

Harry

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