Fragility Is Still Mine...and Will Be For A Long While

[mfh]

With contractors coming and going for 3 weeks now, computer problems and more I am seeing that my coping skills are still not where I wish they were. My safe nest/cave/sanctuary has been invaded. My friend all but begged me to have a meeting here in an hour with 5 people I do not know. I am on her advisory board for a newly forming project and this town is the meeting place. All of these folks live out of town. I agreed because I want to do this for my friend but it is one more invasion. So strange because I was alone most of the holiday weekend and since then my house has been a hive of activity....oh, how I crave the middle of the road.

Contractors leave Friday. The art studio/meditation space will be done except for the stove which goes in Tuesday....I will take on NO further projects indefinitely. Computer guy comes Friday...that should end the PC issues and put my office back in order as we move it all back where it belongs. I had an office wall put in where a patio door was....not sure why it was ever put there by whoever did it.

None of these things bothered me before Bill was sick and died but now I feel like I have a thin skin, a translucent membrane if you will, and that is the way it is. I am who I am and just trying to honor and respect that as I also keep searching for the middle of the road....life is a delicate balance....and I keep missing the balance.

Good article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201111/moving-through-loss-what-you-need-know-when-significant-other-dies

Mary

[dave s]

Mary, can only imagine how stressfull and yet how wonderfull this addition must look,! And the joy it is going to provide you for yrs! Please post pics of it when you can....and this time next week, your home is all yours again. Thinking of you.....Dave

[mfh]

Dave, It is an amazing space. The stove goes in on Tuesday....and voila...it is done...it all feels like chaos to me and I think it is the pile up of 3 weeks of this chaos coupled with holidays. I have thin skin these days. My house today was like a revolving door....workers, distributors dropping off their left over Voices, clients in my home office, a meeting here that started late creating pressure for me, electrician, (one hour interruption as yet another person at the door). And in two hours, the contractors come back to hang my outside door...it is drying. I started this post an hour ago. Now I have someone staying the night...She is a friend in her 80s and an artist and I can talk to her but NOT tonight. I just want my house back.....NOW She will be gone before I am up in the morning..I do not even hear her leave. She is moving to town soon for this huge project she has started and in the meantime, bunks in my guest room once in a while. We can talk....and sit up late sometimes but not tonight....End of vent! Thank you for listening. I miss Bill so much as times like this as he just took charge when he saw me falling apart...or before...and listened.

Mary

[dave s]

I can only guess what is was like to have Bill around to take charge, really miss someone around,picking up those pieces and taking charge when I am not. Have to drive by the exit to Mikes condo everyday ( also have to drive by the hospital and funeral home everyday but have dealt with that ) for the past couple of days I have been remebering just a yr ago, Xmas time and the simple times of just going over to his place and watching Xmas movies, food was always made, I had no chores, watching Xmas lights, I was so happy...........oh my heart yearns for those times...........Dave

[kayc]

Mary,

I don't like my home invaded either, I like a routine, I like my comfort zone and my space and as was already mentioned, when one person handled certain things and now you're left to deal with it all on your own, well that's hard and just drives home the feeling of loss so much more. You'll make it through this, and soon you'll be left with your studio and office and can enjoy the sought after changes to your home in peace.

Sending you good wishes...

Kay

[bluetopaz]

Mary,

I know what you mean about balance. I had 14 people for Thanksgiving (thought it would be easier with people around me and the girls) and my sis and her son for the weekend after. It was so sad when they left, and now I am left with a feeling of emptiness, it is feast or famine!

Everything seems to upset the applecart now and I don't really know what to say except hang in there, I don't know you at all yet but you seem incredibly perceptive so follow your instinct is all I can say...sorry but hopefully now that your space has been recreated and as you become comfortable again the new "normal" will take over again.

Take care,

Shelley

[mfh]

The contractors leave tomorrow.....Tuesday the stove goes in....and my nest is mine again with people coming as I invite them. I will post pictures soon. No blinds yet...can't decide what I want. This studio/meditation room is a peaceful place and an incredible gift....just amazing.

Electrician tomorrow and the two contractors doing last minute jobs....all in all they have been the best team ever. Bill and I gutted and renovated one house...a two year project...with help of course. We then built our Ouray, CO home with help. I think I am now done with renovation and building. It is the end of that chapter. Time to paint and meditate.

Yesterday my door was a revolving door...today was better but still high traffic. Yes, Kay and Shelly...our homes are our havens....

Saturday....quiet...but I will be gone a good part of the day.

Peace

Mary

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Mary,

Pauline, never liked to have her home invaded by workmen either. That is why I had to learn to wear so many hats, from doing drywall, fixing old lathe board plaster walls, running electrical line, cable, wallpaper, tile. Carpet, painting, installing new doors, you name it I have just about done it.

She never trusted anyone to be in here alone when I was not here with her. I can understand her point of view on that being disabled and in a wheelchair made her feel very vulnerable to strangers. More than other people would be. So I did not mind doing the thing for her. If I was unsure, I would study up on a project and make a practice one first to make sure I had the right technique down first before I would start in the house. In the end she was always satisfied with the results. I am sure you are also. I hope that this gives you the peace and comfort to create more beauty in this world. Something maybe you can share with us some time.

God Bless my friend

Dwayne

[mfh]

The contractors are all gone. I survived...as I always do. One will return to put in a door when it comes in and Tuesday the gas stove goes in so there will be fire in our home....I have to say these guys were the best we ever had. Bill and I did a lot of renovations and building and came to know the weaknesses and strengths one finds in those who work in the world of building. My computer has been set up again and my office now has a new wall (adjoining the art studio). I fared well until the last couple days but think that was more holiday related....I will post pictures once I move in and the stove is in. I thank all who replied to my vents. So good to have a place for support and vent even when it is just about construction.

This weekend is Country Christmas in our little town...lots going on but I am participating in a minimal way. It started last night with First Fridays, shops open, treats, entertainment and a friend and I did dinner and some shops. Tonight is fireworks and all day long are cookie sales, open houses, horse drawn wagons, etc. Snow is coming tomorrow. I find that this holiday season is, so far, not quite as testy as last year (for those on their first holiday season). I still can't listen to Christmas songs or put up a tree but unlike last Christmas I will put out my creche, some candles, a wreath and I even bought a poinsettia ...minimal compared to what we used to do. When we had land we also had hundreds of pine trees and getting the tractor, a thermos of coffee and the dog together we would ride out to find and cut our own tree. So many happy memories. The loneliness is huge...gigantic and tears fall with each one and I so want Bill to see and share my art studio and meditation room complete with fire. I know he would be so joyful that I had it. His art room was always in his wood working shop which is still downstairs.

Peace,

Mary

[kayc]

Mary,

This weekend is our "Sugarplum Festival" a lot like your Country Christmas, ours is a small town too. Last night I sang in the choir at City Hall, all afternoon I made Christmas cards to sell in our local art gallery and then I got a call last night that a friend wanted me to put cards in her booth so I got up early and started getting them ready for display. So I'll drop them off and visit with people, then tonight we have our Bridge Lighting ceremony in Westfir and I'll go to that. It's hard going without a partner, but I've gotten rather used to it. I'd prefer not to be alone but have to still do things for me and won't let "alone" stop me. It's a busy weekend! I'm glad there's no snow for the moment, I've been going through a wheelbarrow full of wood every day, that's a lot, it's been very cold with more predicted!

[mfh]

Kay, congrats on having your cards for sale. I hope someday to get that good with my watercolors. I am braving it a bit and doing a card to send to friends and family...I think Yes, it is hard to go alone to these events. I try to avoid it as much as possible by going with friends but always there are times when I either go alone or stay home and I then look at the event to help me determine that. No matter what....I am not with Bill and so I might as well be alone. We also have a choir doing the Messiah...90 voices and an orchestra raising funds for the food pantry. I was going to sing and then I realized I could not do that for 9 Sunday evening practices but mostly because the music just evokes tears. Maybe in a few years. It is a dreary day here...rain with snow coming. Not sure how much but it will be better than the rain....

I am sorry the temps are so cold for you....wood costs money....I think people tend to think wood burners heat their home for free....it does not work that way, we know.

Take care and enjoy the weekend.

Peace

Mary

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Kay,

Now I know why I did not get an answer, last night when I called. It is nice to hear that you are keeping busy. I have been really busy myself. In 2 weeks I sing 4 songs in our Christmas play on Saturday, then Sunday, sing at 10:30 service. After service we have our last choir practice, then right after practice we will go to a nursing home here in Somerset and sing our whole program for them. I am glad I do not have school on Fridays so I will have time to study. I will take a my first final a week from Monday on Terminology. So I keep very busy, also Hospice meetings every Wednesday evening 6-7:30. I love what I am doing and I do not feel lonely at all even when I am at home. I have never felt lonely. I always feel Pauline's, presents around me all the time.

God Bless

Dwayne