It's Gotten Harder

[Spika]

It has just gotten harder as time has gone by. I am realizing that he will never be back, that I will never has his advice, shoulder, or love again. My mom is a mess because of her job and I can't do anything about it... I try and then I just realize it was only he who had a way of calming her down. He was like the rock of our small family (him, my mom, me). He always knew how to fix things, always knew how to turn things to be positive, knew how to be brave, fair. He totally got me too. While he was wrong about some things he and I were just very similar. Without him I just am at a total loss. I try to get through the day, sleep, and wake up and get through the day again.

I've been thinking about the events of his death a lot too. It was cancer. But recalling the days leading up to his death haunt me. Earlier today I thought about how I basically gave him my permission to die... That my mom and I would be ok. I wanted him to be at peace but sometimes I can't believe that. Then I remember the moments before he died. I remember his face and expression. It sends me reeling knowing that was the last moment I'd ever be with him.

And I remember the night before he died... This is graphic so be warned... We were at home and I was administering him meds every hour. The night before he died he woke me up with a terrible noise. I slept next to his hospice bed and noticed his breathing became more and more raspy then i noticed fluid coming from his nose and fluid in his mouth. My bf and I stayed up all night taking turns using q-tips to keep his nostrils clear and turning him on his side to drain the fluid from the back of his throat and mouth. I wonder what was going on in his head. He was heavily medicated so I had no way of knowing. But my mom was like paralyzed on the couch and I remember not crying, I remember trying to do what I had to do and remain positive. I even think I turn on some of my dads favorite music and talking about the good times. Now I wonder why did I do that? Now I think back and am horrified by my memory of it all and I think about my attitude and wonder why I acted so unaffected when I know I was very affected.

The memories of those last days haunt me. I can't seem to put them straight. I don't think i ever will. I miss him so very much. I wish I could tell him how scared I was/ how scared I am. I wish I could ask his advice and see him and my mom together again. Nothing is right like it used to be and each passing day that fact sets in a little more and more. Why did it happen. Why is he gone forever.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Spika -- As it is with the loss of your father, life now without my mother on this planet for the last 7 months has been very difficult and life-altering. Please accept my condolences. I hope that you can re-think your views of what you and your friend did the night your father passed. I think that our hearing (sometimes) can be one of the last senses to leave us, and I, personally, would love to be in such a peaceful setting as you and your friend created in your father's room. It sounds like what should be done when a loved one is leaving this world. Giving him assurance that you and your mother would be ok, hearing music that he knew and enjoyed, and stories about good times in his life, while being taken care of by family and loved ones, sounds like the perfect space to be in to move from this place to our next wonderful place -- peacefully and calmly. I only wish for this type of space when my time comes. You also stepped in, when your mom couldn't. To me, you did what you had to do, and did an outstanding job!

[emmaj]

You did what you had to do at the time. You looked after your father when your mother couldn't. As for giving him permission to go, I completely understand that. My father also had cancer. He had lung cancer and my mother brought him home to die with the help of hospice. One day after work I went home to see them. I sent my mother out to get some air and see a friend. I just wanted her to take a break for even five minutes. She never left the house or my father. She needed a break if she knew it or not at the time. While I was alone with my father I promised him that she would be alright after he was gone. I wouldn't leave her alone. I told him that he could let go. He didn't need to worry about her, he needed to do what was best for him. Only a select few people know about the talk I had with my dad. I didn't tell my mom for the longest time. Some people think I was being selfish or cruel or mean. I don't understand how wanting what was best for him was any of those. I didn't want him to die but i didn't want him to continue to suffer either. It wasn't easy telling him that he could go away forever. I don't know where i found the strength to let him go. All I can say is I did what I had to do at the time and I think you did the same. Sometimes all our loved ones need to know is that we will be alright when they are gone and that its ok for them to pass on. It takes a great deal of strength to let them know that they can leave this world.