New Identity

[Annery]

My husband passed in December 2011 and even though I have and can handle alot, I find myself being meek and accepting things beneath me. For instance someone owes my husband/me some money and wants to give me a small amount. The assumed amount was a verbal agreement w/my husband and this person and was based upon a sale of a certain item. But he will making about $10K when all is said and done and my husband said he was to receive $4-5K and he is giving me $1,000 and I didn't stand up for myself.

This is very unlike me as I am more of an aggressive personality and wondering why I am not speaking up. I am guessing it is because my husband handled certain things and me other things. But I am giving into male dominance - in a way - which was never my way and don't know what to do about getting my self esteem back.

Any suggestions?

Thanks,

[Anne E]

I am so very sorry for your loss. It's hard to make sense of your new life isn't it? My husband has been gone for 4 years this month, and I still find myself wondering what I should be doing with the rest of my life and how I am going to deal with the day to day stuff.

I too have found myself indecisive, uncertain and hesitant, which I never was before. It almost seems that since I don't have my husband to "back me up", help me make decisions, listen to concerns, help me prioritize, I spent way too much time second guessing myself. It's like I'm in this all alone and if I make a mistake, or piss someone off, the "world as I know it will come to an end".

It's so unfair that this person is taking advantage of you. Shame On Him! Don't feel bad about your reaction. You have been through alot and have to learn a new way of being for yourself.

Give yourself sometime to adjust.

What about little steps? Write this person a letter telling he that you KNOW he is taking advantage of you and it is not acceptable. Tell him that you resent him using the absence of your husband as a way to treat you unfairly. You can start to have your say without having to face him one on one. I know that when I am upset or angry, I find that since Dick's death, I am more prone to tears and hate that.

Keep talking to us on this site. You can share, vent, try out strategies and we will back you up!!!

Anne

[kayc]

Anne offered very good advice; it really does feel good and empower us to "have our say" even if it doesn't result in a change.

I had something similar happen although not nearly that grand a scale. It is aggravating that people can take advantage of someone else's misfortune!

[mfh]

Annery, this is all so new for you and I can only imagine how raw you must be. My husband died 20 months ago and I am raw and vulnerable. It is difficult for a vulnerable person to speak up and be assertive. I hope you can get the money you deserve and I hope you can just embrace yourself whether you can speak up or not.

Anne, your input was very valuable in my opinion...especially that Annery needs to give herself time....I don't even remember the first four or five months after Bill died. Speaking up when we are not even fully present, living in a painful fog is a huge challenge.

I wish you both peace in your loss,

Mary

[kayc]

In my case, I did speak up, to no avail. All I can say is, shame on them.

[Queeniemary]

Annery, shame on this person for taking advantage of you. I think Anne gave you good advice. You are at your most vulnerable right now, as Mary said, I am so sorry that someone would take advantage of you when your grief is so new and raw. I am so sorry for your loss, this is a wonderful place to come for comfort, or just to rant and rave. The people here have all been where you are, and do understand. Please take care of yourself, give yourself time, it has been over two years for me, and the grief is still there, it will never go away, but time will help you cope with it. Will be thinking of you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas