My Old Friend Grief, Is Back

[Anne E]

I found this article in a journal I kept the first year after Dick's death. It still speaks to me.

Anne

Adolfo Quezada, from the Tucson, Arizona Daily Star

MY OLD FRIEND, GRIEF, is back. He comes to visit me once in a while just to remind me that I am still a broken person. Surely there has been much healing since my son died six years ago, and surely I have adjusted to a world without him by now. But the truth is,... we never completely heal, we never totally adjust to the loss of a major love. We will be all right, but we will never be the same.

And so my old friend Grief drops in to say hello. Sometimes he enters through the door of my memory. Sometimes he sneaks up on me. I'll hear a certain song, smell a certain fragrance, or look at a certain picture, and I'll remember how it used to be. Sometimes it brings a smile to my face, sometimes a tear.

Some may say that such remembering is not healthy, that we ought not to dwell on thoughts that make us sad. Yet, the opposite is true. Grief revisited is grief acknowledged, and grief confronted is grief resolved.

But if grief is resolved, why do we still feel a deep sense of loss at anniversaries and holidays, and even when we least expect it? Why do we feel a lump in the throat, even six years after the loss? It is because healing does not mean forgetting, and because moving on with life does not mean that we don't take part of the deceased with us.

My old friend Grief doesn't get in the way of my living. He just wants to drop by and chat sometimes. In fact, Grief has taught me, over the years, that if I try to deny the reality of a major loss in my life, I end up having to deny life altogether. He has taught me that although the pain of loss is great, I must confront it and experience it fully or else risk emotional paralysis.

Old Grief has also taught me that I can survive even great losses and that although my world is very different after a major loss, it is still my world and life is worth living. He has taught me that when I am willing to be pruned by the losses that come, I can flourish again in season, not in spite of loss, but because of it.

My old friend, Grief, has taught me that the loss of a loved one does not mean the loss of love, for love is stronger than separation and longer than the permanence of death.

[Queeniemary]

Very good article Anne, thank you for sharing. we will never get rid of that old friend grief. He will always sneak up when we least expect it, I guess.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Anne E]

Queen Mary,

Where do you live in Arkansas? My dear ol' Dad was in the Air Force. He was a pilot on B52's and we were stationed in Blythville. Way back in the mid 60's. My in-laws also owned property in Bella Vista. We vacationed there often. Very fond memories!!

[mfh]

Nice piece on Grief....thank you for sharing. I think most of us can relate to this and find that friend Grief is around a lot these days.

Mary

[kayc]

Yes, thank you for sharing that!

[melina]

Thanks Anne,

I have trouble seeing grief as a friend though. I'd much rather it went to visit someone else. I see grief as one of those bothersome people who turn up, stick their foot inside the door and refuse to leave. A kind of sinister traveling salesman.

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Anne, I live in Harrison, which is in the very North of the state. We are in Boone County, which borders on Missouri. Puts us real close to Branson, where we like to go eat occasionally. As a matter of fact, a great young friend has invited me to go to a movie and dinner in Branson tonight, so I am looking forward to that. I have to say that I love living in this area, of course, I was born and grew up here, but I do love it. Of course, I know lots of people, and have lots of relatives in the area....sometimes good, sometimes not!

I am thinking from the article that you posted that you are in Tucson AZ. My best friend lives in Douglas. I visited her last summer. My Mike and I loved to visit in AZ, I also have a sister that lives in Prescott.

I kind of agree with Melina that grief is a sinister traveling salesman, although I think I would describe him more as sneaky. AND we all know he is going to show up, sometimes often....

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Anne E]

Actually, I live in Canon City, Colorado...we are noted for the Royal Gorge, river rafting and the valley with 13 prisons; one of which is the Federal Supermax Prison where such notables as Jeffery Dulmer, Timothy McVey, and the Tennis Shoe Bomber have been or are residents.

It's high desert here and the weather is very moderate. We don't get the extremes of Kansas, which I don't miss at all. However, it's very dry here and I have had some adjustment issues. Have to lotion up, use tons of lip gloss, etc.

I have lived here almost 3 years. Before Dick's death, we lived in Salina, Kansas all our married life. I moved to Colorado to be closer to our son. It's been harder than I expected to "get established" in a new area. I think part of the reason is that I am older (65 in April), retired and in this smaller town, people don't seem to be as open to including someone new. It's kinda strange since most of the people here are transplants from somewhere else.

However, one good thing is that no one here knew Dick and I as a couple and I don't have to deal with "pity"l stuff. Dick's illness, transplant surgery and resulting complications were pretty terrible. His death was sudden and a true shock and I became the poor, pitiful widow. I really needed to get away from that and the memories of our life together there.

Dick and I have a time share and we used to love to go to North West Arkansas to a place....Holiday Resort... between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was great to just hang out and DO NOTHING! It was up near Bull Shoals, I think. Great memories.

Anne