It's Been 4 Months

[missingdad]

My dad passed away in his sleep 4 months ago from a heart attack. I just can't seem to enjoy life as much as I used to. I find myself getting angry all the time. He was 62. I feel that it is very unfair. I have 2 young daughters (I don't think they remember him much anymore). I feel so alone. My dad did so much for me. I'm 35 yrs old and this is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. My mom and brother seem to be doing ok. For the passed 2 weeks I have been feeling very angry. I feel as if I am pushing my wife away, but at the same time I feel she should understand my anger. I want to feel happy again but just can't. I have a great career, house etc. but find this loss to be very devestating. I broke down and cried a few days ago. Can't seem to shake this negativity.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi - Please accept my condolences for your dad's passing. My mother passed on May 12, 2011 -- so -- I am facing the first anniversary of her being gone from this life. My mom, also, did SO much for me. What I have learned about grief, was what some others also have also experienced -- the feeling of being numb in the first few months, then, kind of "waking up" to lots of pain in the months following. Regarding anger, I didn't want to make my life any worse, so, I really was (and still am) careful as to what words come out of my mouth. I don't want to create regrets that I have to try to fix. My husband hasn't experienced this type of loss yet (Thankfully), so, he can't really understand how I am feeling, but, he is a good man, and I don't want to drive him away. My pain is so deep that it is really too much for ME to handle -- so -- how could he? I hope you can be gentler with yourself, and accept where you are -- wherever that may be. It feels like I have to get used to a new life. I had "life with mom", and now have "life after mom". I am hoping to honor her memory by making good, thoughtful choices for myself, to have a happy life. She would want that, I know. It's been a real roller-coaster ride. Thank you for posting and sharing some of your pain. It helps me to know that I am not alone.

[missingdad]

Thank you Miss Ngu for your reply. It really helps to post and read other posts. We had a party for my 2 yr old a few weeks ago. It was very difficult not to have my dad there. My wifes mother and father were there. My friends are great but I want to be able to feel ok when around extended family. I think about my dad all the time, he was the best grand parent. I have dreams of him often, good dreams, not nightmares. I felt my life was going so well before he passed. I'm doing ok, I can function day to day, but I want to have that zest for life back. I will try to be gentler with myself. It really does feel like a new life. I'm glad your making the right choices for yourself, I hope I can bring myself to that level ASAP. I haven't said anything I regret to anyone yet (I'm not planning on it). Thank you for sharing.

[MartyT]

My friend, I'm so sorry for your loss ~ and you're right: it is a new life, in the sense that you will never go back to the life you had when your father was still alive. But your father will live on in your heart, in your mind and in your family's life, just as long as you find ways to keep his memory alive. I also think to helps to learn about what is normal in grief, so you'll better understand your own reactions and what you can do to manage them. I invite you to visit the website of my friend and colleague Neil Chethik (who serves as Executive Editor for Open to Hope); he has written a wonderful book entitled Fatherloss: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Loss of Their Dads ~ You'll find some of his articles about fatherloss here: Neil's Writings. See also Father Loss.

[Beth M]

My dad passed away in his sleep 4 months ago from a heart attack. I just can't seem to enjoy life as much as I used to. I find myself getting angry all the time. He was 62. I feel that it is very unfair. I have 2 young daughters (I don't think they remember him much anymore). I feel so alone. My dad did so much for me. I'm 35 yrs old and this is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. My mom and brother seem to be doing ok. For the passed 2 weeks I have been feeling very angry. I feel as if I am pushing my wife away, but at the same time I feel she should understand my anger. I want to feel happy again but just can't. I have a great career, house etc. but find this loss to be very devestating. I broke down and cried a few days ago. Can't seem to shake this negativity.

I am so sorry for your loss.I too lost my dad just 3 months ago at the age of 65. I am 38 and a self professed Daddy's girl and am too struggling with the loss of my dad. I vacilate between anger, distress and sadness. My husband has never lossed anyone in his life (thankfully) and has had a difficult time in seeing me struggle with my dads death. I found the best thing I have done to this point is go to a hospice grief counselor as it helped me to feel "normal" in my feelings and they gave me tools to help my husband/family/friends understand where I am. I too have many things going for me, but losing my dad has made it difficult to remember those positive things. I hope that you can find something or someone that helps, this journey is certainly a difficult and long one and having the tools to walk the journey has certainly helped me. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family! Beth

[missingdad]

Thank you for your thoughts, they're much appreciated. We just got back from vacation and I thought about him much of the time. I just can't believe the magnitude of the effect my dad's death has on me.

[Beth M]

It's quite amazing how much of your day the grief can take up. The counselor I talked to was kind enough to help me with that, I am in grad school, work full time as an RN and have 3 boys and couldn't stop thinking about it all day. She said to set aside 20-30 minutes a night that was just for me to sit and grieve and look through momentos etc... This allowed me to put it away throughout the day and let me think and then at night to deal with my emotions. I am sure your grief and emotions about losing your dad are overwhelming at times, I hope that you can find away to grieve and still enjoy the life that you have. Good luck, you will all me in my thoughts. Beth

[missingdad]

Thank you so much Beth. I feel better from being on this forum. I'll try to spend some time each day to think and reflect on the situation. I am a dentist and I have no problem concentrating at work (staff and patients are great). It's other times I can't stand and I feel myself becoming angry, but less so in the past 2 weeks than the month before. I do enjoy spending time with my kids (2 and 4 yr olds) and playing sports. Before my dad passed, I felt like I had a perfect life and now it's gone. If things don't improve by the 6 month mark I will get counselling. My thoughts are with you as well. Good luck in your studies.

[Beth M]

Thank you so much Beth. I feel better from being on this forum. I'll try to spend some time each day to think and reflect on the situation. I am a dentist and I have no problem concentrating at work (staff and patients are great). It's other times I can't stand and I feel myself becoming angry, but less so in the past 2 weeks than the month before. I do enjoy spending time with my kids (2 and 4 yr olds) and playing sports. Before my dad passed, I felt like I had a perfect life and now it's gone. If things don't improve by the 6 month mark I will get counselling. My thoughts are with you as well. Good luck in your studies.

Thanks I have 7 more months and I will be a Nurse Practitioner, it's times like these that I get angry because my dad won't be there to see me meet that goal, but then remember he was my biggest cheerleader and would have been very proud of me for finally getting there. I did the one time in counseling and it was nice to just know I was "normal" LOL. This forum has been very helpful to me as well. Tomorrow is 3 months, I'd like to just not deal with the day, but as you know too well that's not an option. Sounds like you have a great support system with your family and staff/patients that will help you as well, but at the end of the day it's our own personal journey to walk through. Wouldn't it be nice to have a road map that tells us exactly how we will react and when things get better?!? I'm glad you feel that your anger is better. Good luck as time continues.