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Girlfriend Of 5+ Yrs Broke Up With Me After Her Father Passed Away...


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Hello Everyone,

I have been lurking similar forums for the past 6 months or so and finally found this one yesterday and decided to share the emotional roller coaster I have been dealing with the past couple of months. Thanks in advance for any feedback, etc. This is going to be kind of long but here goes.... I am 27 and she was 24 at the time and 25 now ( we have been together for 5-6 years and lived together for 3-4 years.. by live together I mean every day except for maybe 3 days in a month if that many)

So late last year my girlfriend's father passed away from cancer. I will never forget the day she found out, she called me when she was close to home (we lived together for the past 3 years or so). So I remember going outside to meet her and I saw her crying and talking to my neighbor (older guy, really nice). She told me she just found out her father was diagnosed with cancer and that he did not have a long time to live. At this point she went inside and I remember my neighbor talking to me and telling me this was not going to be easy and to be there for her any way I can. I listened to him but had absolutely no idea what to expect. I have never lost any parent or had any real grief for the most part. The next couple of months were difficult, we would not really talk about it much but every now and then it would come up and sometimes break down crying. Our relationship was not really affected, I did not stress certain thing and what made this part easier was that we were also Bestfriends, like real bestfriends. We told each other everything and shared every moment. We had a trip planned for the Summer that I asked her if she wanted to cancel, it was an awkward subject but I felt it necessary to ask out of respect but she declined. She said she needed the break and wanted to get away. We went to the Caribbean as planned and had a great time. She told me she spoke to her father before going and he wanted her to go. At this point I did not necessarily agree with this but I was in no position to question it. Eventually we had a good time, actually the best vacation together in a while and it was also good for our relationship. During the next couple of months we had limited stress from our individual jobs but we were always there to support each other. We never had any arguments and our relationship was "perfect".

The next couple of weeks she spent a good amount of time with her father taking care of him in his final days. This was an old school guy, war vet, an all around great man that I learned to admire. In his last months we took him to his favorite restaurants to eat and he loved it. This was difficult for me, really difficult. From one week to the next he would he would worsen. I was never selfish nor felt it necessary to mention anything to her but this was also eating me up inside. I had never lost anyone close to me so this would be the closest person I had ever lost. Ok let me sidetrack a little here.... up to this point we would talk about marriage, kids, etc. This was like at random times. Things like oh I cant wait our kids hair will look like that, or I want that ring, I want my last name and your last name when we get married, I want to honor my father. This was all real stuff, things she would bring up. We never talked about it in detail or anything but I had decided that if given the opportunity I would be honored to name our son after him. There was also a slight chance that we would have to adopt which I had also accepted but that is another story in itself.

So the day finally came where I got the phone call that her father had passed. I immediately dropped everything and went over to her parents house (she lives about 3 minutes from my house). Once again I had never been in this position and I knew it had to be really difficult for her. I hugged her and her mother when I arrived and saw her father laying there. This was real. I kept an eye on her and when she began crying I consoled her. Didn't say much because there isn't anything you can say but I made sure she knew I loved her and I wasn't going anywhere. Few hours later the hospice came and then the car came to pick up the body. I helped the man bring the body outside and then lift it into the car. Crazy things were going through my head at this point. Later that night my parents came over to her house to show their condolences. For the next couple of nights I stayed with them at their house because her mother asked me to. I obviously had no problem and just wanted to be there for the family. During all this time everything with our "relationship" was fine. The following week the funeral took place about 5 hours north at a National Cemetery. Like I said we were bestfriends but I know she was affected by the fact that none of her girl best friends went. Mind you some of them grew up around the father but no one was able to make it to the funeral. My parents, my grandmother and I went up to the funeral and actually got their late because I got rear ended the day we were supposed to go. So we finally got there and I called her and went to our room. Once again all was fine, I hugged her and we fell asleep together. Funeral procession was nice and I can say he was honored in a nice way. Myself and a few other family members and a husband held the casket and walked it out of the church and then to the grave site. I cried a few times in the back with my mother but never around her so I could be strong in her eyes. After the funeral our families spent some time together and then came back home the following day. Once again all was well with us at this point. Later in November I had big event to go to in Las Vegas that she had always wanted to come to with me (we had been to Vegas together before but she has never joined me for this event). She came and we had the best time ever, we spent a lot of time with family she has their and I bonded with them in a way I had never had before. When we came back she thanked me for taking her (obviously there was no need but its the type of person she was). She wrote me a card saying she loved me and that she appreciated me taking her on the business trip. She also went on to say that our future together was bright and there was no one she was happy to be with me. So later in December she had to go on a trip for work, she works in the PR/marketing field for a large cruise line so some of these trips would involved her being at Sea for a week or so. This was going to be the first time she had to be gone for two weeks. Emotionally I knew this was going to be draining for her and so did she. Just a side note (my mother took her to the port for this trip and one the way she was telling my mom how she wanted us to move into her parents house and that we would be fine if I left my job) Ever since this trip things have not been the same. We wrote to each other every day as usual while she was gone. I got fired from my job while she was gone ( did not really care, I was going to quit and she wanted me to quit to begin my own venture). On the trip she wrote to me that emotionally this was draining for her and it has given her time to reflect on her life. A day or two before it was that she misses me and loved me, cant wait to be in my arms (she was sick), the normal stuff you tell someone you love. At this point obviously I was concerned, who wouldn't be. Here I was back home thinking about what I can do to make our relationship better and how much I loved her. I need to mention this I really adore this girl, respect her, and most importantly love her more than anything in the world because everything felt so real.

Now onto her return. She came back from her trip and I remember making the last turn to pick her up and I promise I felt like a little kid on Christmas. Believe it or not those two weeks were the longest I had gone without seeing her in 5 years. It thought me one thing, I was in love and this is the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. So I picked her up and I was a little late so she was a tiny bit upset but nothing crazy. Then the weirdest thing, she was telling me about the trip and she had cut her leg on some coral but when she was telling me the story she had a sort of glow coming from her face that I had not seen in a while. So the next couple of days were kinda weird but nothing too out of the norm. One night she mentioned a job offer in LA, I was honest I told her it was bad timing and she knew I was about to start my own business... I wasn't crazy her mom told her the same thing. She later said she understood and that she loved me, etc. The following Wednesday she told me she was going to Dinner with her friend. I like the friend she was going with and really had no problem with it but for some reason I was bothered a bit. She came home later that night and I was reading a book on the couch and I was kind of rude I guess and then she went upstairs. I immediately told myself I was an idiot and went upstairs to talk to her about our relationship and the fact that I want to bring it back to the place it was.

Mind you at this point I am ignorant to the fact that she is still grieving and had never even wondered how hard this would be on us. Should have listened to my neighbor more huh.. Hind sight is always 20/20 though...

So after going upstairs to talk to her we begin arguing and before I can really say anything she says we need a break. This caught me off guard I was like what? She said it had nothing to do with our relationship but she needed a break. That made me more confused. I think I cried at some point that night, maybe not but I think I did. Whatever we eventually went to sleep that night and woke up the next morning. Don't want to get all "Xrated" but we made love in the morning and I knew it was different. I felt like I would never see this girl again. The girl I loved felt like she was slowly leaving. This was all right around Christmas time and things were going to be hard for her. She spent the next couple of nights at her house and we hung out here and there. We spent a day together later that week and I slept over her house. We agreed that night we were going to try and make it work. From this point forward I felt like whenever I spoke to her over the phone, via text or email it was a completely different girl. The only time I could see the her that I knew was in person. She then came to my house to talk again and she told me again this was NOTHING to do with our relationship and that she loved me. There were some small changes she wanted (help with dishes occasionally and cooking) and I had already made those changes. Her exact comment were "just like that" and I said yes I am prepared to do anything I need to do for this to work. Honestly as a man I had decided that I loved her and I knew what it would take from my end. She was pleased and even asked me if I would be willing to move to her house.. A question I had always avoided. I told her I thought about it and once everything is good between us that I would do it. That is one of the few times I saw that glow from her that I was so used to seeing. She was genuinely happy. She later sat across from me in the dining room table and said "this time next year we will be engaged stop worrying". I remember saying I dont know what the hell you are talking about but if you say so. She left that day and went out with her friends again. Christmas morning came, we spoke in the morning. At this point we were not communicating normally and she was spending all her time with her bestfriend that she had been distant from the past couple of years. There is a good amount of jealousy when it comes to this girl because I am sure she feels like I "took" her away but truth is I never once said she should not hang out with her, hell a few months before I remember she lied to them about what she was doing and I was like why lie it doesnt make sense. Funny enough we saw them at the mall that day. But ya this friend has something against me for sure and I have heard that she had made comments like "thats why I dont have a BF", etc. Mind you she would want nothing more than a BF but that is another story. She has never had a real boyfriend and someone that really loved her. Yes misery likes company. Christmas morning she was at this friends house, I said I was just calling to wish her a Merry Christmas and see if she was ok. Right when I was ready to hang up she asked if I was going to my parents house... I said yes why, she said "i think I want to come". I was shocked but at that point it was the BEST Christmas present I had ever gotten. She told me she would call me when she was on her way back home... Long story short I called her 3 hours later and she was in the car with the friend and another friend. I asked if she was still coming and she said No she had decided it wasn't a good idea and was going to go to her friends sisters house. Yes I was caught off guard but emotionally I was a mess. I spent the next hour or two crying and telling myself I do not want to see anyone. I later decided I could not be selfish and I went to my parents house to spend time with them. Obviously they missed her and asked where she was but at this point no one would understand. I hid it really well but I was torn up inside. I turned off my cell phone for a few hours and just enjoyed their company.

After this nothing was the same. On new years she said we should not communicate and we needed to work on ourselves until we were "at a place where we were strong enough individuals where we could be in a healthy relationship". I spent the next 6 weeks going to therapy and so did she (atleast thats what she said). It was weird because I spent time in therapy finding out how to deal with a loved one dealing with grief. I did not worry about the relationship because she said that wasn't the issue. My therapist was pretty good. I never in a hundred years thought I would be going to therapy, hell never thought I would be on a forum like this one but I am grateful for them. She told me her therapist told her to stay away from me ( in my head I was like thats not right, therapist dont do that). I spoke to her mom about it a little and she was upset because she said they are not supposed to do that. She also told me that she told her that what she was doing was not right and not fair (obviously not a good idea because she just wanted support from her mom).

Months later we have gone through everything. I have had all the hateful things said to me. I have hurt like never before, I have read stories and done my own research on this topic. About 3 weeks ago we were having a brief text message conversation where she said "she is at a place where she is comfortable talking to me now". This caught me off guard because before this I would only get "I dont want you in my life ever again","I hate you",etc. Then about a week after this we got into a big argument again when I insisted talking to her in person. Didn't work out too well. That night ended in more crying, screaming, defensiveness.... At this point I had reached the "I cant do this to myself anymore point", etc. Through this whole thing the two biggest supporters have been one of my best friends and my mom. My mom knows I truly care about her and that I just want to be there for her, the best friend just knows that I love her and he has known her pretty well since the beginning. He was actually there the day I met her and everyday since. I am sure he loves her too. So after giving him the update he said I understand but that isn't you guys. I tried to convince myself I needed to just leave her alone. (by the way through this whole ordeal the longest I have gone without communicating with her was 3 weeks) Reason being is I never want her to think I gave up on her). So finally this past Thursday I reached out to her again. I was a little more stern but I basically said I understand everything that has happened, you dont love me anymore, etc but there is something missing. She asked me what, then I said how do you take the sweetest girl in the world and then make her hate the person she loved the most. This was the FIRST time she opened up to me. It was the FIRST time everything I head read finally made sense. She told me that she redirected her grief as anger towards me after her father passed. She said she hated me for not knowing was to do and had a lot of resentment built up inside. She said she had to get away from the relationship. I told her that while I will never understand what she felt that I loved her. She apologized and I told her it was not necessary, i said its perfectly normal and her grief is a process that will take a while. I ended that conversation because I felt like it was the first positive convo we had in a while. This was Thursday, I have tried contacting her since then with little to no success.

For the first time I have tried to put everything out there so someone can see where I cam coming from. I hate talking to people about this in general because our relationship had a dynamic different than most our age. I have not given up on her and not stepped away because I love her and I know that sometimes these emotional walls need to be climbed over. I know I subject myself to more pain but I know its nothing like what she has gone through. I feel like to say that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and then walk away now would just be giving up. She has told me to leave her alone and she never wants to talk to me again, to telling me she is comfortable talking to me again, back to she wanted me out of her life for good and then back to opening up this Thursday because I was persistent enough to confirm everyone my therapists said, everything others have gone through, etc. Its hard, I was reading a story on here earlier and started tearing up. Before her fathers funeral I had gone a few years easy without shedding a tear.

I know she is scared and does not want to think about the future. Do I walk away? I cant see myself giving up on her. I am open to anything but I swear have not been selfish at all the entire time. If I was I would have left. I promise finding another girl isnt an issue, its actually pretty easy. I don't care to see anyone or meet anyone, I just want her to understand that I care. I have had to deal with this while starting a new company, having no income, etc. It really is hard but I think everyone gets tested and this is my test.

Before anyone mentions I want to make it clear I have taken time to work on myself. I have changed a lot of things in my life I felt needed to be worked on. I have spent more time with my family, time in church, volunteering at a local homeless shelter and just changing my overall perspective on life. I have also tried helping out a few close people with their job search including one of her bestfriends. I also got myself to an emotional point where I can deal with the pain from this all. I don't want to sound like a victim because I am no where close to that, I dont want to play that card. I really am in love, but this was my bestfriend. I can tell she appreciates me still being there. I would not abondon her but I literally woke up on day and had the one thing in my life I thought was for sure pulled away from me with no warning. It has been killing me inside but I just got off the phone with my mom and said I don't want to go through life knowing that I gave up on her. Our breakup cannot be tied to the passing of her father, I know it happens but I dont think it has to. I try to take it a day at a time but then I come across a forum like this and want to share it with her so she knows what she is going through is normal. Here I am on Sunday night and five months in this is difficult and killing me but I cannot even imagine what she is going through. She is scared, doesn't want to worry about the future.. I get it but I want her to know I care. I really have devoted a lot of time to this topic and have tried to learn what to expect....

Sorry for the long read and I know there is a bunch of information missing, any input or questions are appreciated and respected.

Best Regards,

OM.

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Wow, I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this! It takes some serious strength of character to not be the 'victim' b/c really you do feel like that! It's just like you said, you woke up one day, and everything you thought you knew you loved and relied on....it was jerked from under your feet like a rug. And you are left landing on your ass, wondering what in the world happened when you had a love so perfect you thought it was untouchable.

I know this all too well b/c I'm going through this with my boyfriend. He lost his mother to cancer 3 months ago, and for almost a month, I thought it would be the end of us. I found this site in my research and seeking answers. My first husband died when I was only 23, so I'm familiar with what grief is about. And still yet, I was unprepared for this--I had no idea how to help or how to give him the support that he needed. My biggest backfire was trying to give him what I remembered that I had needed in my grief--which was to not be left alone and encouraged to talk. Welp, he's a dude and I'm a girl, so...let's just say that blew up all over my face, b/c he got to the point where he just wanted me to leave him alone, all the while I was scared to leave him alone, thinking he might fall apart without me.

I guess that sounds silly, but by this point, I felt like I was trying to hold tightly to sand that was slipping through our fingers. And before his mother's death, our love was a rock!!! I am still hanging in there with him....he didn't want to be with me for a while. He even went so far as to go out with another girl after we broke up, but then heavily regretted it and said he did it just b/c he was mad at me for reacting the way that I did. Who knows what that even was that I did, b/c it seemed like for the first couple of months everything I said made him angry--it was like your girlfriend said--all that grief was fueled into anger at me somehow!!! Despite that I was like you--I was right there by his side through the illness and death and funeral--never imagining abandoning him in his hour of grief.

We just spent this past weekend togther for the first time in almost two months. My heart broke a little more everyday that he refused to see me in person--keeping me at arm's length--excluding me to contact through only phone or text. Now his tune has entirel changed, he says he's always loved me, and I was the only girl his mother ever really liked or loved, and that he really just needs to figure out how to be himself again before he has what it takes to dedicate to a relationship. It's along the same lines of what your gf said, about trying to find a place to be whole and healthy before entering a relationship again.

Right now, I am metaphorically holding me breath--hoping he doesn't change his mind again--waiting for the next wave of grief to unsettle my entire life. I'm like you, I could very easily get someone else. But I'm also like you, in that I don't want anyone else. Having this time apart has only instilled in me how very much I do love him and want to have a life together, b/c there were many times I wanted to turn my back and say "I've had enough of this" and revert to protecting my heart and healing from the sudden loss of our love.

I have chosen to continue being strong. Watching his mother waste away and then die was heartwrenching for me--I felt that loss with every inch of my soul, all the while sort of feeling like I had no right to my own grief b/c it paled so much in comparison to what he is going through.

I mostly wanted to write to simply give you some encouragement. I read somewhere "don't ever let anyone tell you that your love is over." I've thought about that statement many times through this...and we're not talking about stalker stuff haha...but I think right now they are unsure of everything in life. Their loss and grief has knocked the wind out of them, and they are simply trying to cope and get by day to day.

Every single day my heart aches for my lost love, I'm all too painfully aware that the same sense of loss is eating at his mind and heart, but for the loss of his mother. I just get so hurt and angry that our love took second place to everything once this happened---going from saying we are soulmates and the other half of one another. We had a beautiful 'perfect' love too. But I keep on staying strong, keep on digging deeper and deeper....b/c I guess the difference is they will never get their parent back, meanwhile we have hope they will come to their senses and we will regain that lost love.

Sometimes I find myself constantly fighting the urge to scream and cry. I want to tell him how bad it hurts....how it's not fair to take his love away from me...how his mom didn't choose to pass that way, but he is choosing to throw our love away....I know if I said any of these things it would be a trainwreck b/c it's really my own sadness and pain speaking, but all the same these are the thoughts that drum through my head these days.

It's a battle to not put your feelings first. It's a battle to not become the victim. I remind myself constantly that they did not choose this any more than we did, and it's a swift blow by the hand of fate to everything we held dear in our lives. I finally had a breakthrough....after staying awake all night one night, crying (and I'm not usually a weepy girl seriously)...that night I literally felt physical pain in my chest, as if my heart might actually burst at any second from the sheer pain of my grief. I woke up knowing I had to distance myself from the situation to a degree--to keep my own sanity & continue my life in a healthy manner--but with that same conclusion I realized that I love this man enough to be the best friend he's ever had, b/c real love isn't just about the good times. It's about showing that you won't abandon them in their darkest hour. People lash out when they are hurting the most, and they lash out the most at the people that they love the most.

It comes down to a simple choice to walk away or to stand strong. When it's all said and done, when they find some strength and peace within themselves, they will think more clearly. Until then, I'm afraid we are on the roller coaster of grief with them, and that process is unique and different for each individual. They don't have the right to push us around or lash out at us b/c of their grief....they are wrong for that in every way....but truth be told, they know they are wrong, they just hope we will be strong enough to love them through it. There's no right way to do this, there's no way to know what to do or say---you can only prove that your love is real and strong.

It's also very common for people in grief to make sudden big decisions--as in the LA job you mentioned--I personally decided on a whim to join the military 6 months after my husband died. You have to watch out fot that & discourage it if possible--it's good that her mom is on board with that as well. They are seeking and searching for a purpose in life right now, and this is part of that.

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Hi!!!

Just be patient my friend and give her the space she needs. People grieve in different ways!!! Obviously this GF of hers is playing on her emotions which is not cool...but if she truly loves you, she will be back!!! Tell her you love her, you want her in your life, but you will respect her space. Let her call you when she is ready!!! I hope all works out for you my friend!!

Ken

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I think she's had a lot of anger inside of her from grief, that's common. Barring a valid place to direct one's anger, it is often directed to the safest place, someone who loves you.

No one can tell you what to do, how much to take of this or for how long...only you can decide that. I will say it's not healthy to stay in this for too long though, there comes a point where you must consider your own emotional well being. You will know when that time is. It's often recommended you go dark on the person before you lose all of your love for them. It does two things, it preserves what is left of your love, and it lets them know whether or not they miss you and want you in their life...meanwhile continue to focus on working on yourself. It's not a good idea to jump into another relationship (on the rebound) as you need time to heal and see things clearly, but I know you're not considering that at this point anyway.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's hard. Right now it's important to realize you are grieving too...the loss of your best friend, your relationship, and that is big. Take good care of yourself, eat healthy, get regular exercise, try to sleep regularly. If you have a hard time with that, you may want to see a doctor, it's all important to your overall well being. Right now you'll likely be feeling you've lost control of this area of your life so it's important you be able to control what you can, and your health can be one of those areas.

Good luck with your business venture, and I hope things eventually work out for you. All you can do is respect her wishes...if she doesn't want to see you, don't push it, if she does, fine, so long as you can handle it. Pay close attention to what you can handle and what you can't though, these up and down swings are really difficult to sustain for long. Get feedback from your family and friends and really listen to them...they care about you and will have your best interests at heart. While they may care for her too, they will be more objective than you will be able to be.

I wish you the best. While these don't usually have the desired endings, I honestly hope your case will be different...just brace yourself for either event.

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Ken,

Thanks for the feedback and thanks for taking the time to read this. I had texted her last night because I felt like sharing some info and she responded this morning telling me to go ahead. I decided not to start an akward discussion and simply told her that I think its a bit selfish of me to bring anything up and that if I she ever wants to talk I am here if she needs me. I also said I wasn't concerned about the past or future and I think its best to take one day at a time. I also mentioned I just want to get back to a place where she is comfortable with me... (roughly 3 weeks ago she told me via text that she was at a place where she was comfortable talking to me but I think I may have messed it up by not being patient enough :-/ ) She replied with "it may take time but hopefully one day". I said "no worries, im here for you"

It is so weird feeling like she is a complete stranger and trust me I do miss her like crazy and it has been hard adapting to a new life and losing my partner and bestfriend. Its been 5 months so the time has helped big time. I hope all works out to but I know the odds are against me... they have been my whole life so its fine (I know im young but you get what im saying)

Thanks again.

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KayC, thank you for your feedback and for taking the time to read my story. I understand why her emotions are the way they are but obviously it hurts. She really was the sweetest person I had ever met and I adored her and everything was great. Kind of scary but for our age we did everything together and lived blessed lives that we earned on our own. One day there was a sweet card where she said she loved me and our future together was bright and then boom this happened. My friends have been big through this and I have even had people I would never expect reach out to me... my bestfriends parents, other guys that know me... Its been eye opening and as crazy as it sounded I needed this in my life. Its not really about me but it has changed the way I look at a lot of things.. Growing up in Miami can clowd your judgment sometimes. One friend in particular has been really helpful and I consider him a brother now (can't tell him yet though) , the couple times I have said I cant take it anymore he will calm me down and talk to me about everything and what she is going through. There were days right after when I would go to work and cry behind my monitor while listening to him (im really not a big baby, this just hit me hard)

Thanks for the info on the eating, working out, etc. I have that one nailed down. I read right of the bat that it was important. Ya sleeping was rough in the beginning but its ok now. Just the occasional dream and waking up with her on my mind. Its crazy how you take something as simple as having someone to sleep next to for granted...

I am going to continue to be as strong as I can and we will see what happens. I can only Pray and do my part.

Thanks again.

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Hey Brokency,

Wow, thanks a lot for the feedback. I admire you for being such a strong person and I am positive great things will come your way soon. This has been a back and forth battle for me. There was no book with guidelines to follow and I had never dealt with it before. I was devastated and had the worst Christmas and New Year ever. I really was broken down and had to rebuild myself from the bottom up. I have browsed so many forums like this and have always been tempted to share my story but for some reason I never did. As far as the victim thing, I know this is hard for me but when looking at the big picture it is nothing compared to what she had to deal with. The way I looked at it was if I was Man enough to say I would be willing to spend the rest of my life with her then I can take a little pain and "fight" for someone I love. I know I will never understand and it kills me inside to know what she must be going through. She was raised by both parents but her father was there most of the time, he was also affected by PTSD when he was older so that was difficult on her as well. Great guy though and the closest person to me that has ever passed. He would always tell me how proud he was of us, always.

I agree this is a dark hour for her and I am fighting to hang in there.

I respect you for deciding to hang in there with him and I pray that one day he will realize what he has. The past couple of months has been pretty interesting, I havent been single for a while but it made it that much clearer to me that I really loved her.

Let's keep being strong for them and doing what we know is right. Only time will tell, regardless you will be fine and so will I.

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There's so many sides to this, and each individual's situation varies so much--like you said, sure would be easier if there was an instructional manual on how to deal with this. Personally, I got to the point where I was obsessing about our relationship, I was analyzing every action I made....pretty much just driving myself crazy wondering where I went wrong and why he all of a sudden couldn't stand the sight of me!! I didn't eat for a few weeks, didn't sleep, etc. But once I got to the point of acceptance, that's when things started to improve between the two of us. There is a saying that goes something like "Pain is part of life. Suffering is simply refusing to accept the pain." I'm no glutton for punishment ha, but for me....I had to quit trying to change the situation from what it was. I had to try to quit coming at my boyfriend, trying to pull him out of his slump, trying to seek out the love I knew was in there if I only I could get through to him. I simply (but not simply haha) accepted the situation as it is---a tragedy that unfortunately is a part of life--and made the decision to ride it out b/c our love is worth that.

In the end if he changes his mind, then I will be okay, and you will be okay. But we both will know we have done our best in the situation, regardless of what fate has done--and that's how I can sleep at night if he so chooses to move on with his life without me--I'll know I gave it my all, and that's just how I choose to live my life. If something is worth doing, it's worth giving your heart and soul to.

Anyway though--once I came to that point of accepting the situation and simply trying to be there for my guy---kinda just sitting back in the shadows and letting him come to me and being loving & supportive when he did. Within a few weeks, the entire dynamic between us changed. We quit arguing and the cold space between us slowly closed. At this moment, he's back to talking about how we are going to spend our lives together and how he loves me so much....says he thinks I'm a better person than he is for putting up with all this. His attitude has changed so abruptly--it wasn't just a week or so ago that he was telling me that he didn't know how things could be repaired between us and he just needed to be close to his dad and no one else, etc....

I don't know if this will last, but I hope if I continue to be loving support---at the very least that makes me a valuable friend to have. I know I'm cherishing these moments right now, this glimpse of that guy I used to know and love. Their old selves ARE in there....just lost under all the grief. I have no doubts that there will be another wave of grief that pulls him away from me, and I will be sad to see him retreat back into himself. But I also will choose to believe & have faith in him that he will heal.

You know your girl--after 5 years--you know who she is and what she's about, and what's underneath the surface. Trust what you know about her. You are doing what you need to do, as far as taking care of yourself--so that's all you can do right now! You have to put away the self-doubt and somehow handle the void that is there while she is healing. I believe it will be worthwhile...maybe I'm wrong....but I know I have to keep trying.

Kayc has said, and I totally agree, that you know when you are to the breaking point--when this situation starts to break you down, and that's the point where you have to protect yourself. Only you know what that point is. I thought I had gotten to that point myself....wrote a very lengthy break up letter...and it was in the process of talking myself into giving him the letter that I realized I was not done trying not by any means. That entire letter in a nutshell was saying "I'm hurting so bad and I can't do this anymore." We can turn our backs on them and try to move on---but they can't turn their back on their grief and avoid it. So I put that letter in my bottom desk drawer, because I knew for me, I have a whole lot of strength of character and this is not all I've got. I will not be broken by this even if I feel like it sometimes (hence Broken Cy ha)....but I will give it my best!

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There's so many sides to this, and each individual's situation varies so much--like you said, sure would be easier if there was an instructional manual on how to deal with this. Personally, I got to the point where I was obsessing about our relationship, I was analyzing every action I made....pretty much just driving myself crazy wondering where I went wrong and why he all of a sudden couldn't stand the sight of me!! I didn't eat for a few weeks, didn't sleep, etc. But once I got to the point of acceptance, that's when things started to improve between the two of us. There is a saying that goes something like "Pain is part of life. Suffering is simply refusing to accept the pain." I'm no glutton for punishment ha, but for me....I had to quit trying to change the situation from what it was. I had to try to quit coming at my boyfriend, trying to pull him out of his slump, trying to seek out the love I knew was in there if I only I could get through to him. I simply (but not simply haha) accepted the situation as it is---a tragedy that unfortunately is a part of life--and made the decision to ride it out b/c our love is worth that.

I did the same thing, I started wondering if someone told her something about me that may have not been true. I kept trying to make sense of everything. I would forget everything I learned and find myself convincing myself it was something I did. I use to think I can fix everything and learned thats not true. I have accepted this for a while but I would go back and forth thinking the time would help. Its been a little over half a year. I just don't know if she wants me to ride it out. I mean a month ago she told me she was comfortable talking to me but that changed because I wasn't patient enough..

In the end if he changes his mind, then I will be okay, and you will be okay. But we both will know we have done our best in the situation, regardless of what fate has done--and that's how I can sleep at night if he so chooses to move on with his life without me--I'll know I gave it my all, and that's just how I choose to live my life. If something is worth doing, it's worth giving your heart and soul to.

Understood, I just don't know what giving my all is anymore. I have been mature as possible about this and I have only wanted to be there as a friend or someone she can come to whenever she needs someone to talk to. Its like I told her the other day when she finally opened up.. I knew her better than anyone in the world. Can she change completely, maybe I dont know but it hurts to see that happen.

Anyway though--once I came to that point of accepting the situation and simply trying to be there for my guy---kinda just sitting back in the shadows and letting him come to me and being loving & supportive when he did. Within a few weeks, the entire dynamic between us changed. We quit arguing and the cold space between us slowly closed. At this moment, he's back to talking about how we are going to spend our lives together and how he loves me so much....says he thinks I'm a better person than he is for putting up with all this. His attitude has changed so abruptly--it wasn't just a week or so ago that he was telling me that he didn't know how things could be repaired between us and he just needed to be close to his dad and no one else, etc....

I don't know if this will last, but I hope if I continue to be loving support---at the very least that makes me a valuable friend to have. I know I'm cherishing these moments right now, this glimpse of that guy I used to know and love. Their old selves ARE in there....just lost under all the grief. I have no doubts that there will be another wave of grief that pulls him away from me, and I will be sad to see him retreat back into himself. But I also will choose to believe & have faith in him that he will heal.

It makes me really happy to hear this. I hope he continues and for him to tell you that you are a better person than he is I am sure he really appreciate it and he should. I am really happy for the two of you. After something like this your relationship will only be stronger. Its crazy when this whole thing started for me in December she told me not to worry, she said " we will be engaged by this time next year". I was so confused at the time. Then it tooks 6 months of us being broken up for her to finally open up (last week). The week before she was crying on the phone with me saying she wasn't done grieving over our relationship ( I was so confused, I was like you wanted this not me.). She has been going out with her friends, even said she is starting to like another guy... This is all within two weeks. I really know she is going through something and nothing adds up. I also know she is not over "us".

I will continue to try to be as strong as possible. I have been giving her space ( NC for 3 days so far lol) but even when I use to it was usually an innocent "hey. hows work". We will see what happens I guess but once again I am really happy for you!!!

You know your girl--after 5 years--you know who she is and what she's about, and what's underneath the surface. Trust what you know about her. You are doing what you need to do, as far as taking care of yourself--so that's all you can do right now! You have to put away the self-doubt and somehow handle the void that is there while she is healing. I believe it will be worthwhile...maybe I'm wrong....but I know I have to keep trying.

Kayc has said, and I totally agree, that you know when you are to the breaking point--when this situation starts to break you down, and that's the point where you have to protect yourself. Only you know what that point is. I thought I had gotten to that point myself....wrote a very lengthy break up letter...and it was in the process of talking myself into giving him the letter that I realized I was not done trying not by any means. That entire letter in a nutshell was saying "I'm hurting so bad and I can't do this anymore." We can turn our backs on them and try to move on---but they can't turn their back on their grief and avoid it. So I put that letter in my bottom desk drawer, because I knew for me, I have a whole lot of strength of character and this is not all I've got. I will not be broken by this even if I feel like it sometimes (hence Broken Cy ha)....but I will give it my best!

I do know her and what shes about, my bestfriend has been telling me the same thing. Just live my life and trust what I know is under the surface.

Thanks again.

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When you read through all the threads on this section of the forum, you notice that none of this makes sense, it's all unpredictable, out of character,etc. The worst spot to be in is to hope and wait for them to come to and meanwhile they yo-yo your emotions and confuse you further. The truth is, they need to figure out themselves, what they want, etc. and you need to focus on your own self and life or it's going to eat you alive. Seriously, I've been there! If anyone on this section has a happy ending out of any of this, more power to them! Honestly, we'll get happy enough endings,just maybe not what we would think, but we do have to be willing to have boundaries and think high enough of ourselves not to let ourselves stay in continually harmful semi-relationships. I know this isn't what anyone here wants to hear, but it's the truth.

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We aren't abandoning if they are wanting space and have called a halt to our "relationship". If she has a change of heart in the future, she knows how to reach you and demonstrate her heart change to you.

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Om85, this is where my relationship is different. When I came on this site, every thread I read was the same. Parent/loved one dies, mourner dumps significant other, leaves them lost and alone, and they are left wondering what just happened and where to go next. In my relationship, I got very hurt from being pushed away constantly and from the constant anger I was getting from my boyfriend, so I continuously said "I'm done with this" until one day after about the 3rd time I had said that after one of our many arguments (which was continuous in the month after his mom's death) he said "find I'm done too." So, the difference is that I broke up with him, and then he was reluctant to get back together with me.

Although there were a couple of times that he said we were done completely when he was very depressed or angry, overall he maintained that he wanted to be with me but he didn't have it in him right then but he wanted to continue to heal himself and our relationship so we could build back what we had lost. We never went a single day without talking, and although him keeping me at arm's distance for 2 months, refusing to let me even see him face to face, it hurt like hell and I felt like I died a little bit every single day that he refused to let us be together. I felt like a huge loser--at once point literally crying and begging him to let me simply come see him and he refused.

It was at that point that I wrote him the long letter telling him I couldn't do it anymore and I had to move on. But then I realized that if I walk away now, we would never have anything, whereas if I gave him what he wanted--space--then I had hope that our relationship would heal.

Kayc is right though. If she is saying she doesn't want to be with you and is plain and continuous in that, then that is what you have to respect. If Rich had ever told me "I want you to leave me alone and we are done, etc." I would have had no choice but to go with that as well. No one wants to be a martyr in the relationship, and no one should endure not having your needs met.

I don't want to steer you in the wrong direction or give you bad advice, b/c it's definitely not good to stay in a relationship where you feel like harm is being done to you. My whole point was just that love is not always fun and butterflies, and sometimes it takes digging really deep and staying strong when your significant other is weak. But only you are inside of what is going on between you and your girl, so only you know what you are getting from her. If she says most of the time that she loves you and wants to work things out, but has an occasional depressed bout of 'I want nothing to do with you' (which is NORMAL in the grieving process for people to push ALL loved ones away) then she likely MEANS that she wants to be with you but is lost in her own emotional process right now.

However, if she is just sticking with generally doesn't want to be with you, doesn't want anything to do with you....well you have to respect her wishes. Let her come to you though. That was my point in 'accepting the situation as it is.' Give her the opportunity to come to you, and if she does not, then you have your answer. I gave my guy some time and space (2 months which felt like 2 years) and he did then come to me. Every relationship is unique and difference, and only you know in your heart and soul what needs to be done.

I know when I got to the very bottom of my despair, I could identify that I wanted to run to protect myself, but knew if I hung in there that we would probably be okay---I just had to accept some pain in the process of working it out, and that's what I did not want to do. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before his mom died. And that's just not happening. But I'm okay with moving forward and building our relationship into something stronger than it ever was before. I think it takes some serious soul-searching though to make yourself see clearly what exactly it is you are feeling and what you need to do with that info. I don't think everyone needs to just hang in there, when the other person is abusing the relationship, I just know personally if I'd taken the advice I was given & broke it off with him, that we would not be together now and working toward something beautiful. It still hurts sometimes. I have to work on my own anger about everything that was said and done and all the being pushed away. But it's still worth it b/c of what we have now....that's just my personal experience, to each his own.

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no one should endure not having your needs met.

Exactly. And in my mind's eye, HE did break the relationship, you were just the first one to voice it. You didn't give up on him, he threw in the towel first. You can't check out of a relationship and expect the person to hold on indefinitely. We do for a while, understanding they're going through something difficult, but when they don't even throw us a bone now and then, it's hard to hang one. It's not only words that tell us what we mean to them, but actions as well. It's not like we're expecting a lot from them.

I'm sorry if you feel we gave you bad advice, but we can only respond in accordance with the information given us, and it sure sounded like you got dumped and it's not healthy to stay waiting in the wings indefinitely. I also gave Jim a couple of months to "change his mind" afterwards, but he didn't, he played with my emotions (maybe not intentionally but it still had a detrimental effect on me). I stand by my advice but the person going through it has to be the one to decide what to do ultimately, since they're the ones that get the consequences. You aren't very far into this so time will tell what will happen. As for Jim and I...it's almost two years later, we still aren't back together, although there is still some connection. My main concern is for those posting here that are going through the getting dumped. As for the grieving dumpers, I still don't get their responses, it makes no sense to me...and I have grieved and lost plenty in my life!

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I'm not sure why it sounded like I got dumped? Even in my original thread, I stated that I ended things with him, but yes it was b/c I couldn't deal with his anger and grief, in a new relationship especially. We were together 10 months when his mom died. I think if we'd been together for some years or married etc, that we both would have coped better. He didn't deal with it well at all, and I didn't deal well with him not dealing with it well lol! However, we have worked through so much in the last couple of weeks. He is finally coming to me as his place of refuge, and I'm seeing some of the man that I knew before all of this happened. We had a great weekend together. You are right, it may be too soon to tell, but with the open communication we are having now, I feel like we will be fine. I could be wrong, but I believe in trusting your gut instinct and that's what mine tells me.

I just wanted to be clear that if he had ever said he didn't love me, didn't want a relationship with me, and cut off contact with me, then I would have had no choice but to move on with my life. That's what I was saying to Om85, b/c I don't know what was said between them. My boyfriend always maintained that he loved me very much, but kept saying he couldn't handle a relationship with me 'right now'--looking back I think it was the turmoil that our relationship had gotten into that was too much for him during his time of grief. Either way though, he always stated that he wanted to work at building our relationship back, I just couldn't grasp the whole "I don't want to be with you right now" thing. But I respected his wishes, and it worked out well....hope it continues to.

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Oh and I'm sorry if you took what I said as meaning that you gave me bad advice b/c I didn't mean that at all! I as very thankful for the advice I was given b/c it shed some light on the subject and I was able to look at things from a different angle, which is just what I needed to dig deep and understand what direction I needed to go in.

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Wow, I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this! It takes some serious strength of character to not be the 'victim' b/c really you do feel like that! It's just like you said, you woke up one day, and everything you thought you knew you loved and relied on....it was jerked from under your feet like a rug. And you are left landing on your ass, wondering what in the world happened when you had a love so perfect you thought it was untouchable.

I know this all too well b/c I'm going through this with my boyfriend. He lost his mother to cancer 3 months ago, and for almost a month, I thought it would be the end of us. I found this site in my research and seeking answers. My first husband died when I was only 23, so I'm familiar with what grief is about. And still yet, I was unprepared for this--I had no idea how to help or how to give him the support that he needed. My biggest backfire was trying to give him what I remembered that I had needed in my grief--which was to not be left alone and encouraged to talk. Welp, he's a dude and I'm a girl, so...let's just say that blew up all over my face, b/c he got to the point where he just wanted me to leave him alone, all the while I was scared to leave him alone, thinking he might fall apart without me.

I guess that sounds silly, but by this point, I felt like I was trying to hold tightly to sand that was slipping through our fingers. And before his mother's death, our love was a rock!!! I am still hanging in there with him....he didn't want to be with me for a while. He even went so far as to go out with another girl after we broke up, but then heavily regretted it and said he did it just b/c he was mad at me for reacting the way that I did. Who knows what that even was that I did, b/c it seemed like for the first couple of months everything I said made him angry--it was like your girlfriend said--all that grief was fueled into anger at me somehow!!! Despite that I was like you--I was right there by his side through the illness and death and funeral--never imagining abandoning him in his hour of grief.

We just spent this past weekend togther for the first time in almost two months. My heart broke a little more everyday that he refused to see me in person--keeping me at arm's length--excluding me to contact through only phone or text. Now his tune has entirel changed, he says he's always loved me, and I was the only girl his mother ever really liked or loved, and that he really just needs to figure out how to be himself again before he has what it takes to dedicate to a relationship. It's along the same lines of what your gf said, about trying to find a place to be whole and healthy before entering a relationship again.

Right now, I am metaphorically holding me breath--hoping he doesn't change his mind again--waiting for the next wave of grief to unsettle my entire life. I'm like you, I could very easily get someone else. But I'm also like you, in that I don't want anyone else. Having this time apart has only instilled in me how very much I do love him and want to have a life together, b/c there were many times I wanted to turn my back and say "I've had enough of this" and revert to protecting my heart and healing from the sudden loss of our love.

I have chosen to continue being strong. Watching his mother waste away and then die was heartwrenching for me--I felt that loss with every inch of my soul, all the while sort of feeling like I had no right to my own grief b/c it paled so much in comparison to what he is going through.

I mostly wanted to write to simply give you some encouragement. I read somewhere "don't ever let anyone tell you that your love is over." I've thought about that statement many times through this...and we're not talking about stalker stuff haha...but I think right now they are unsure of everything in life. Their loss and grief has knocked the wind out of them, and they are simply trying to cope and get by day to day.

Every single day my heart aches for my lost love, I'm all too painfully aware that the same sense of loss is eating at his mind and heart, but for the loss of his mother. I just get so hurt and angry that our love took second place to everything once this happened---going from saying we are soulmates and the other half of one another. We had a beautiful 'perfect' love too. But I keep on staying strong, keep on digging deeper and deeper....b/c I guess the difference is they will never get their parent back, meanwhile we have hope they will come to their senses and we will regain that lost love.

Sometimes I find myself constantly fighting the urge to scream and cry. I want to tell him how bad it hurts....how it's not fair to take his love away from me...how his mom didn't choose to pass that way, but he is choosing to throw our love away....I know if I said any of these things it would be a trainwreck b/c it's really my own sadness and pain speaking, but all the same these are the thoughts that drum through my head these days.

It's a battle to not put your feelings first. It's a battle to not become the victim. I remind myself constantly that they did not choose this any more than we did, and it's a swift blow by the hand of fate to everything we held dear in our lives. I finally had a breakthrough....after staying awake all night one night, crying (and I'm not usually a weepy girl seriously)...that night I literally felt physical pain in my chest, as if my heart might actually burst at any second from the sheer pain of my grief. I woke up knowing I had to distance myself from the situation to a degree--to keep my own sanity & continue my life in a healthy manner--but with that same conclusion I realized that I love this man enough to be the best friend he's ever had, b/c real love isn't just about the good times. It's about showing that you won't abandon them in their darkest hour. People lash out when they are hurting the most, and they lash out the most at the people that they love the most.

It comes down to a simple choice to walk away or to stand strong. When it's all said and done, when they find some strength and peace within themselves, they will think more clearly. Until then, I'm afraid we are on the roller coaster of grief with them, and that process is unique and different for each individual. They don't have the right to push us around or lash out at us b/c of their grief....they are wrong for that in every way....but truth be told, they know they are wrong, they just hope we will be strong enough to love them through it. There's no right way to do this, there's no way to know what to do or say---you can only prove that your love is real and strong.

It's also very common for people in grief to make sudden big decisions--as in the LA job you mentioned--I personally decided on a whim to join the military 6 months after my husband died. You have to watch out fot that & discourage it if possible--it's good that her mom is on board with that as well. They are seeking and searching for a purpose in life right now, and this is part of that.

I bolded the things that made it sound like he'd broken off with you or at least broken your heart, pulled back, etc. I realize you're trying to make it work now, but it hasn't been all that long, the verdict is still out, so it's hard telling what will happen. I've had nearly two years and he hasn't asked me back or said he was sorry or anything. I think it's unhealthy to hang in there forever for someone, I think it's better to give it a set period of time, something you can handle and if you don't see improvement in your relationship by then, it might be time to reconsider things for your own emotional well being.

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Wow. You picked out everything I said about him pushing me away. That's why I came here to this forum, to vent about the bad feelings I was having, b/c I didn't feel it was proper to cry to him about it. I don't know if you've lost anyone close to you, but after my husband died, you DO push everyone in your life away. It's very common in grief--obviously from the forum here that is true. But if everyone in that person runs away when pushed away, that grieving person is left alone, broken and angry. That's why God made us, to show love and share love. Not to run away at the first sign of turmoil. That's what this was for us--the first turmoil in our 'perfect' relationship.

Yes, I had bad feelings about it. Of course it hurt me!! He was hurting and dying inside, and with that my heart was crying. It's like you are saying b/c I had these bad feelings and b/c he did these things that our relationship is doomed and I shouldn't be hopeful. He didn't flipflop his emotions or play games with me. I broke up with him. He reacted by refusing to get back with me when I tried and going on a date with another girl. He regretted that right after, came and talked to me about it, and said he wanted to work on us and our relationship, meanwhile not wanting to physically have me around.

That has changed now as well, as he now wants me with him. But even through the worst of times we talked daily, emailed, texted, video chatted....I've said all this before though. It seems like you've selected a few sentences from everything I've said and ran with it. I'm very sorry that your relationship ended the way that it did. That man was cruel and wrong for treating you that way. But that doesn't mean that my relationship is going to end, and I shouldn't expect it to b/c as of right now I have NO signs that it's going to and if anything, the point of rock bottom for our relationship was when I posted a thread on this forum, and from that point everything has turned around. It has been a continuous progression of his grieving process.

I feel that we are falling in love all over again and sharing an intimacy at this point that we may not have even reached if not for this tragedy. I'm so thankful that I did hang on and wait for it. Those two months felt like the longest months of my life as my heart ached as his did. But it was worth every second to save the love that we have, and I would do it again if I had to. Real commitment isn't about abandoning someone b/c they don't treat you in just the right way. He was wrong for treating me that way, but I had a lot of nasty things to say to him in the process as well. Maybe that's the fault of getting advice on a forum, b/c you are only getting one side of the story.

You may think it's silly for me to hang on and think me foolish, but I knew when I met this man that he was the one I wanted for me, and I still know. I would be fine without him, I lead a very full life on my own....but that was my point, I CHOOSE to be with him, I CHOOSE to endure b/c it's worth it for me.

You said it yourself, it's been 2 years and this guy has not attempted to get back with you. It's been two months, and my boyfriend has begged for forgiveness and said I was a truly awesome person and a better person than he for being loyal and not leaving him in the dust, and that he wants to try to heal the wounds that have been made from all this and fix our relationship to be stronger than ever before. He DOES want to be with me, and he's very plain about that. I'm sorry but it's just not the same. You can't write someone off for having doubts in a time of serious grief; that's only to be expected. I have my share of doubts as we all do, and that's without the added pain of a devastating loss.

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My soul mate and dearest friend, the love of my life, passed away nearly seven years ago. We had only been married three years, eight months. I have lost more people than you could count. My life has been one of loss and grief, so yes, I know it all too well. Even so, I did not push people away. There were those who abandoned me when my husband died, and it surprised me, but from reading on this forum I see that is very common. I remarried and my husband turned out to be a con who hurt me terribly and also abandoned me. I tried one more time, found the person I thought I'd spend my life with, we were engaged for a year, and then he too dumped me...that was Jim, the one who lost his mom. I no more understand dumping the person closest to you in the world because you're suffering a loss than anything...yet it sure seems to happen...a lot.

You'd asked what gave me that idea, so that's why I bolded what gave me that impression.

No I don't think you're foolish for wanting to salvage your relationship, not at all. If I'd felt there was any hope for Jim and I, with a happy outcome, I'd still be hanging on. But without him working on his issues or making any attempt to understand my feelings, it can't happen. A relationship can't exist one sided. You can carry it for a while but it drains you and it erodes your love bank no matter how determined you are. It's one thing to understand what's going on intellectually, it's quite another to perceive through the heart.

I seem to have you on the defense, I am sorry I don't mean to. I have never said your situation is exactly like mine, it's not. I wish you the best and hope you have a happy ending.

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I think we can all agree that everyone situation is different, the mistake I made was I tried to make sense of the whole things for months... truth is it will never make sense. They are grieving, you end up grieving... Life goes on. I am a firm believer in not turning your back on someone you know you know better than anyone else.

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the mistake I made was I tried to make sense of the whole things for months... truth is it will never make sense.

So true! I have mulled this around in my brain at least a thousand times and still came up empty. You can't understand what doesn't make sense and grief is not one of those predictable making sense kind of things. I guess that's why I was able to forgive Jim enough to stay friends, I just won't allow him to continue hurting me, I can't do that. You're way younger than me...I'm turning 60 this year, I have had four husbands and two fiances...I finally decided enough was enough, I'm done being hurt by men, I got a dog and am happy with him, he never dumps me. :)

I'm glad things are working out for the two of you. At least there's one happy ending in this very sad forum!

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Yup it never makes sense and nope things are not working out at all. I have just gotten to a point where I know she can never say I gave up on her. She became a new person and does not need me in her life in any capacity. I know she cares but I have decided to let go completely and whatever will be will be. Thanks again for the feedback and enjoy the weekend!

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om85,

I'm sorry, I wish it was different. I found the best thing I could do was keep busy, try to spend time with friends.

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