Pointlessness

[Wifflesnook]

I am struggling right now with the pointlessness of everything I am doing. This morning I got up and emptied petes's moth trap which I am trying to do. I have three moths to identify which I have to look up in the books before I release them. But when I do manage to identify them (or if) there is no Pete to tell so what is the point? And yet I have to keep myself active I suppose. I had a shower and washed my hair, but what is the point of that? No Pete to look nice for. Yet I know I must not let myself go. I will take the dog for a walk and listen to the radio whilst walking to block out negative thoughts. it's a lovely day here and Pete would so enjoy it. It's the summer solstice tonight and we always celebrate it in our little summer house with wine and candles. I have invited my neighbour Sandra to come and share it with me. I think Pete would approve of this. But I am just feeling so negative really, and simply going through the motions of living a life. I suppose the best thing I can do is just preserve a facade of being alive. I am reading a book called The widow's journey by Janet Wright I can relate to the earlier sections but she totally lostme when she got to the recovery stage. It's obviously way way to early for me to read about that and in some ways I don't wish to recover. I don't want to learn how to live without my soul mate. Sorry for this miserable moan but I know you will understand. Jan

[Lina]

Just sending *hugs*.

[mfh]

Hi Jan,

I totally understand this feeling of pointlessness. I still struggle with it. It all feels like empty motions done for no reason that matters. I shopped for food so Bill and I could cook and eat together. I took care of myself so we could enjoy life together. So much of what we did was wrapped up in one other person....and for more than half of our lives. You are right, however, taking care of yourself is important and though it feels pointless, trust me it is important as it is one of the necessary steps to getting through all this. I am paying a high price for neglecting myself while care giving Bill. Right now I know it seems you may only matter to your daughter and grandchildren...and that feels like not enough reason. I know it seems useless. Everything still feels pretty empty to me but as I walk this road I am seeing that eventually I will find meaning and a purpose again even though it will not be what I had and it will never be as fulfilling in the way life with Bill was. I will be glad that I took care of myself along the way. Sometimes I can touch a life and that feels like purpose and meaning. That is so critical to my being here. As for the books, read only what works. Some books only work in part. One chapter might work now. The rest later or not at all. I can't imagine that you are ready to look ahead yet. We are talking weeks since you lost Pete. I was dazed for far longer than that. Some days I still am. Right now, it is a matter of living in the present moment. Doing what must be done and what you want to do today...like having Sandra over for Solstice. How lovely. She has been such a great neighbor and friend also. And you do not know how important it is to her that you allow her to share this path. Eventually you will be ready to look ahead. It is different for everyone. I remember reading certain parts of books or even just thinking about the future created anger and resentment. Anything that spoke of "recovery" (whatever that means) or meaning seemed like a nasty joke. Now I am trying to figure out how to create a life for myself and what I can put in it that will give me a purpose and meaning. I do not look for joy...joy is temporary. I look for meaning. Perhaps I am wrong in all this but it is what I am doing. I suspect your meaning, right now, is to just get up and do what needs to be done each day and what you feel like doing. If that includes the moth trap...then do it. I know it had great meaning to Pete but someday you may let it go (or not). You will know in time. I know this sounds superficial but creating a facade of being alive is a lot. You are not staying in bed all day. You are helping your daughter, doing life, taking care of the moth trap and more. I know it seems meaningless but it is important. Everything you counted on and most of your "normal" life is gone. Part of you is gone. Your world has been turned inside out and upside down. It takes time to just face that reality let alone deal with the grief of the gigantic loss of losing Pete. You lost your entire lifestyle. The name of this path is patience and you, like I, have not had to be patient because whatever we wanted we went after. Now we do not even know what we want, nothing has meaning, all is empty ...aside from having our old lives back. I wish I had a magic wand for you, for me for everyone here but the wand, from what I can see so far, is living in the now, not looking ahead too far, and self care. I know that is meager compared to what your life was. I get that. But it will lead you and teach you. Keep in touch as often as you wish. As I told you, I wish I had had anyone to talk to who really got it during those early weeks/months. It has helped me so much to be in contact with those who walk this path both here and other places in my life. I know it is mid afternoon there...solstice...and I know nature is so important to you. I know you miss Pete in a special way on a day like this. I am thinking of you. When I looked at my priorities after Bill died I lined them up and nature was in the top three....my own spiritual growth and helping others being the other two. Nature is a healer. Maybe it is a good day to plant a tree or a perennial in Pete's honor...and light that candle again.

Friday is our wedding anniversary, we got the date as close to the solstice as possible, and my mind wanders these days to our wedding, our honeymoons (we had two), and our life together. I plan, on Friday, to sit with photos and Bill's many poems for a while. I have not done that for a while and even though I cry, it is healing to me to remember the good times. I can't really share our anniversary with someone else. Last year I drove to our honeymoon site which was a local state park where we stayed in a motel and did daily motorcycle rides. Later we went to Hawaii.

Thinking of you,

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Thank you Mary and Lina. Yes it does help me to talk to someone who knows what I am going through right now. I will take care of myself even though it seems pointless as everything does right now. And I think you Are so right about parts of books being relevant and other parts not. Dazed is a good description of how I feel right now. I am amazed how I am walking about, eating, reading and sleeping when part of my heart, mind (soul?) are almost anaesthetised. Yes I do need to find meaning but cannot imagine how at the moment. The natural world has always been very important to us and if Pete is anywhere then he is there so I will try to connect with that as much as possible. You never know I might even feel him near me. I talk to him as I check the moth trap and as I weed the garden. I will think of you and Bill on Friday. It will be seven weeks on Friday since Pete died. As you say - so recent.

Jan

[kayc]

Maybe you could keep a journal and tell him about the moths you identify and the other parts of your life? Who knows but maybe they are aware of our lives and can see what we write or hear us talk to them...there is so much we do not know about afterlife or the spirit world...my way of looking at it is it can't hurt to try.

Maybe everything I do is pointless too, but somehow I feel George is proud of me for trying...he thought I was the strongest, smartest, most beautiful person in the world...I know I'm not but to him, I was.

[mfh]

Thank you, Jan. Every anniversary makes me aware of time passing since his death. I smile when I think of him plotting out motorcycle day trips on the map...so we could take the back roads of Wisconsin during our 1st honeymoon...the strawberry route, the cucumber route...he named them based on the shape they took on the map. On the real honeymoon in Hawaii, we rented an open air jeep and escaped to the back roads of Kauai and Maui. Never did I dream we would not grow old together. Thinking of you today. Yes, I felt dazed for months...I am glad you talk to him...why not? Peace, Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Kay, encouraged by various comments on here I have started keeping a journal and every entry begins My darling Pete. I don't know if he can hear me but it helps me right now. I talk to him as I walk the dog too. It's a one way conversation but I know him so well that I know what he would approve of. Anything that is good for my well being would be good from his point of view. Right now I think all I can do is follow what I know he would want.

Mary, your Bill sounds so lovely. Memories are good. I am finding this out. We never went in for talking about the past much be uase our present was so good. I must be grateful for that, and I am.

[lizardo]

Wow do I feel the pointlessness of it all today... hate it when I feel so

negative too, because I do have lots and lots of good days, even a great day

here and there. My husband has been gone less than two months, so I don't

know why I am being so hard on myself (why ask why, it's always been this way

and probably will continue). Father's day wasn't actually that bad, but today

is my son's 27th birthday, and after he and I spent some time together earlier, I went

home and haven't quite stopped bawling since! For heaven's sake, I really have

better things to do, and I recognize that it's the lack of control that is driving

me crazy. I hear you all saying that it won't last forever, and I sure appreciate

knowing that fact. Maybe I am so extra-sad because I think about how those two would

have gone golfing and joked about how bad they are (true, but beginners both of them)

and his sudden absence just hurts me so much... ack, tomorrow will surely be better

than this. Thanks again,

Liz.

[mfh]

Liz, I am sorry you are hurting so much and Yes, the tears do subside, the pain subsides, the grief is something we will learn how to live with. It only two months...and yes, patience is the path. You got hit with two holidays all at once just weeks after losing your husband. All those tears are common and to be expected. I know the tears are difficult but they are truly healing. It is two years for me and though there is not a day when I do not at least feel my eyes fill up at the thought of something or the sight of a reminder but there are days when I bawl for a while. None of it is like 2 months after Bill died and no one could have convinced me I would feel better and that it gets better...just getting through Father's Day and a son't birthday is a huge achievement this soon after losing your love. There will be better tomorrows.

Peace

Mary

[DeAnneD]

Hi Jan,

I understand this. It has been 4 months since my darling died and I sometimes think there is no reason for me to "be". I get up and go through my daily routine - putting one foot in front of the other. Knowing I should probably take a shower (although even this has been a little hard to have the energy to do). Brushing my teeth is also probably a good idea too. Eating, feeding the dog...all these things have no meaning. I do, however, believe the emptiness and pointlessness is a normal process. I also think that doing those routine tasks, even if you have to really think about the whole process, leads to life getting easier and easier. I hope that is true, because I am with you on this. I seemed to have lost so much energy for life.

[kayc]

It is no wonder you feel you've lost energy for life...you have had the biggest jolt one can have! It takes everything within your being just to survive right now. One of the things that really helped me was trying not to look too far ahead...not to look at "the rest of my life" but to stay in today for it was all I had to get through that. It did help when I reached the point where I could think of George and smile fondly at the memories instead of the searing pain and shock. It took a while to get there though and that time period is different for everyone. I feel this connectedness with him within my heart and soul, and it's there always.

A story is told of a little boy who is afraid to go to sleep at night. His father, in an attempt to comfort and encourage him, tells him, “God is with you everywhere.” The little boy determinedly says, “I know, Daddy, but tonight I want God with skin on!”

Sometimes that's how I feel about George...I want George with skin on.

[LarrysGirl]

Jan, even after six years, it still seems pointless. My calender's might as well not have holidays written on them, I go thru some of the usual family things but I don't feel anything, no joy, no celebration. I do what I have to do each day, take care of our dogs, tend the garden a little but as I do each chore my heart just remembers how it used to be. Thinking of you, I understand. Deborah

[Wifflesnook]

Thanks to all. Obviously I still feel the same. Yes I shower, brush my teeth, eat, exercise the dog but it's just going through the motions. If only we could just get our beloved ones back for even a minute just to make contact. I keep looking for ways Pete may be making contact. I don't have faith but I am open to anything. Tonight the dog found a box with a moth in it that I had forgotten. If she hadn't found this box the moth would have died. I released the moth and thought Ha Pete organised that! Well if this helps me it's ok isn't it? Other people may think I am going weird but I don't really care.

[mfh]

Hi Jan,

I think if Bill came back for just a minute...which I wish he could...I would want another minute and another minute and then a week and then years...I know we all would... yes, there are people who think you are going weird and there are many, especially here, who do NOT think that. No one knows for sure what is beyond our 3 dimensions but I believe there is so much and that what it is will astound us in ways we can not imagine and that it is right here now....a part of me can hardly wait to see it all. I think it is ok to follow our hearts and if that means believing Pete organized all that...so be it. I do the same. On the anniversary of Bill's death my cell phone stopped cold at the exact minute that Bill died. I was deliberately watching for that minute. I had to, after waiting 10 minutes for it to go, take the battery out to get it going. Not only that, the friend who was coming to my house so we could go to lunch and the cemetery (carefully chosen friend) was late because as she explained, "My cell phone stopped at 10:45 (the time Bill died) and I stopped at US Cellular to see if they had problems. I had to wait a while there. Of course, they did not know anything. Three days later, a soul sister of mine called me and said she was 200 miles away at that same time (on the anniversary) and told me when I explained what happened...that now she understood why her phone stopped at 10:45 and would not go. The fellow next to her at the meeting she was at had the same phone, same company, same purchase office and his worked fine. Now I tend to believe the Bill is fiddling with electronics. Am I weird? I do not know but it is a comfort and I have no other explanation for this happening. I called the US Cellular office myself later that same day and they had no clue why my phone and 2 VERY close friends' phones all stopped at 10:45 (when no one else's who I asked did) and did not move for 10 minutes or more depending on when we all removed our batteries. I like being weird if that is what will happen. Peace and love, Mary

[kayc]

Wow, Mary! That is amazing!

[mfh]

Kay, I really do. It know how to explain these but it felt good that others were involved this time...not just me.

Peace and love,

Mary

[DeAnneD]

Mary,

I love this...Strange things have happened everytime I have lost someone. This last time I felt so loved when it felt Charles was still around. It has stopped though, which made me sad again.