Remembering Jack - "in The Moment"

[Dusky]

To all my new Web Site Friends,

On 10-2-04 my Partner of 27 years found out he had a brain tumor. His first operation went well – and after 10 days he was release from the hospital. Although it was a very bad Cancer we had hope. Following a fall on 10-22-04 - a few hours at the emergency room and a night at home he fell into a coma and nearly died on 10-23-04. Somehow he recovered – But a stroke had now left him blind. So for the next 10 months he endured brain cancer and total blindness. He spent 16 weeks (on two separate stays) from October 04 through March 05 in the hospital. He came home on 3-15-05 and remained in our home until his death on 7-31-05.

Jack was a remarkable individual. During his 10-month illness he continued to live his life (with cancer and total blindness) as he had lived life before he got sick – “In The Moment”. I would ask him many times during the course of his illness – “Are you happy”? – And he would always reply “yes”. Jack was a successful Businessman in Fountain Hill Arizona – a Hairdresser who was absolutely loved by his customers. His friend and family adored him - and I loved him as he loved me – unconditionally. I saw this “Prince of a Man” slowly lose his ability to walk – then stand – and eventually saw him bedridden – all within 10 months of perfect health. He also had periods of delusion and “thoughts” that he could see due to his Cortical Blindness I was beside my self watching him die by inches – but he approached death as he had life – Living “In The Moment”. I have never known any other individual so capable of living his entire life “In The Moment”. I am sure now that is why I was originally attracted to him 27 years ago and why I loved him so deeply. It made no difference to him whether he was perfectly healthy or seriously ill – he still lived his life one moment at a time – never in the past and never in the future. How many of us can make that statement? I am determined to live the remainder of my life in the same “In The Moment” manner as Jack – and thereby find some meaning in his death.

For me the loss of my life long Partner - so early in our lives - has been a crushing experience – we were just getting ready to enjoy an early semi-retirement when he was diagnosed with brain cancer – went blind – and then died. He may have lived only 56 years - but because he lived “In the Moment” every day of his live he lived completely for each of the days of his life. I am grateful for the time we had together AND I am determined to share with others Jacks secret of living well. We all need to live “In The Moment” - it is absolutely the key to happiness AND the way to find meaning in life.

Although I have been in continual grief since Jack’s death on 7-31-05 I am determined to memorialize my partner in various ways - and to pay tribute to Jack by living my life better and also “In The Moment”. I will be grieving Jack for a very long time – our love was deep and strong – so the grief will be as deep and as strong as that love. I expect it will last my lifetime in some respects – easier as time passes – but always there. My new relationship with Jack is evolving each day in my mind and in the memories I will be carrying with me as I work through this grieving process.

I am new to this Web Site – and I have only been in the grieving process since 7-31-05 – but in reality I have been slowly grieving the loss of Jack since he was diagnosed in October 2004. I have slowly been losing different parts of Jack long before his body left me on 7-31-05. Grief sometimes begins long before the physical body leaves us. I have read 18 different books on grief since Jack died. I have educated myself on this long and tedious process called grief and I am determined to have Jacks death produce in me a better person. I believe I am on the right road and I am doing it “One Moment At A Time”.

Al my best - to each of you - in your journey through grief.

John (Dusky is my handle on here)

Life Long Partner of Jack – Love you Baby

[shell]

John,

My deepest sympathies on your loss. What a beautiful post. I think you are honoring him in the very best way. You said that you have read many books, have you read Final Gifts? I mention this because I feel it is a book you would truly appreciate. I just finished it and it was comforting beyond belief. You mentioned he had periods of delusion. Read this book, for I think it will give you a comforting and surprising view on those delusions.

You are so right that we need to live "In the Moment", and lucky that you had someone so wonderful teach you that.

You are definitely on the right road,

Shell

[Dusky]

John,

My deepest sympathies on your loss. What a beautiful post. I think you are honoring him in the very best way. You said that you have read many books, have you read Final Gifts? I mention this because I feel it is a book you would truly appreciate. I just finished it and it was comforting beyond belief. You mentioned he had periods of delusion. Read this book, for I think it will give you a comforting and surprising view on those delusions.

You are so right that we need to live "In the Moment", and lucky that you had someone so wonderful teach you that.

You are definitely on the right road,

Shell

Shell,

That you so much for your reply. I will buy the book you listed on here - Reading has helped me. Thank you so much for your warm and kind message.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

[spunkye]

Dear Dusky,

Although it's been almost a year since your post, I just read it today as I am new to this site.

I could so relate to your pain and the grief before our loves deaths. My husband, Dick, started feeling less and less energetic and had more and more trouble breathing and getting around in the last two or three years of his life. T he last year of his life it was to the point where he/d have some good days and some bad days - we never knew how he would feel, and the last few months he started on oxygen. The doctors always diagnosed him with COPD - chronic obstructive pulmonary disease - emphazema (sp?),,,yes, he was a smoker.

During the last three months of his life, he spent time in the hospital, had a heart attack, had a couple of strokes, spent some time in a nursing home and then came home to be under the care of hospice for about 8 weeks, until he took his last breath on August 24, at 3:50 in the afternoon. I was with him - as were his three daughters - and I was holding him and he just stopped breathing.

He had been in a sort of coma-like state for about two days - we were all telling him it was ok to go - we didn't want him to linger unnecessarily - but he kept hanging on. Finally, at about 3:30 I held him and told him it was time for him to take his nap - he always took a nap every day between 3 and 4 - and I said it was ok now to go to sleep....and 20 minutes later, he did.

Dick had just turned 78, but he was so very young in spirit. He was fun, funny, silly and so terribly kind...he was interested in everybody and everybody loved him. He was also remarkably intelligent - although he never thought so...but he was the one everyone went to when they had a question about ANYTHING!...he was a scientist and had worked on space programs - he knew a lot...and was interested in a lot - history, geography, numbers, anyting and everything - but he never acted "better than" or superior to anyone.

I miss him so much every day - every night -....your post was so positive in terms of how you will continue to grow and spread his light - I don't feel that positive yet. I hope I will someday...right now I just feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

God bless and love,

Benita