In The Pit Of Your Stomach

[mik]

I wish I had something positive to say to everyone. Instead I have this hugh pit in my stomach that just hurts and hurts. It is again the feeling of loss. Whats worse is he is on line and I see what he posts. I should not even view it but I do. I wonder if I have become so familar with the feelings of upset and grief that I know no other feelings to connect to at this time. While I was with him I talked of Dragon quite a bit. That should have been a red flag, for him if not me. Now he has gone on with the last love of his life. He still has her and I am so jealous. What I wouldn not give to have Dragon back in my arms. I feel like I will find no one. This last man at least gave me a glimmer of hope. No one intrests me now. I have no thoughts of romance. For the brief time they came alive only to again be dashed when he went back to his old girlfriend. I have no old partner to go back to. I have no one. I am sorry, just sad, depressed and just am so tired anymore. I cant see any light to my future but heartach and pain. I wish I could curl up in a tight position and just go to sleep for good. I know I should not say this or feel this way but I just want it all to be done and over with. I have lived my life and now I just need peace.

Kimberly

[Lina]

I am sorry. The only advice I have is to give yourself time (I know that is no help and everyone says that...sorry.) I would also "unfriend" this guy. Seeing that he is online and that he is posting is just causing you more pain.

If no one interests you right now you are not ready. When your heart is ready the interest will return. *hugs* For now maybe you can focus on getting to know yourself and learning to love you. You are worth knowing and loving. *hugs*

[nats]

Kimberly,

I can relate to your emptiness and despair...I have been in a new relationship for awhile now, we had a brief separation and I was devastated, the feelings of my grief magnified and the missing of Ruth was even more intense...we must be prepared for this when we take that step to Love another person...Brenda ask me the very first day we discovered our Love and attraction, she said "are you ready for this"?...I ask her why she ask?..then she reminded me one of us "will have to grieve again" as it's not likely we will both pass at the same time, WOW what a freight train of reality, but I thought a moment and answered, Yes...as I refuse to allow this grief demon conquer me and I want someone to spend my life with...we speak daily of our spouses and that is indeed something we need to do with our new loves, it's I'm sure rougher when the other person has not gone thru the grief as I imagine they may feel uneasy and maybe as being compared...I do think of this sometimes and the waves roll but that's just that I am now fully aware of just how short life is...be positive as hard as it is, you sound very special and I'm sure if your heart is open you will find that person who sees that and the two of you will grow...take care of yourself, and remember you are Loved always by our creator...

NATS

[kayc]

Kim

I have been where you are...let me just say that you haven't been in this for very long, it's all still fresh. I caution you not to try to drown out the grief with someone else, but wait until you are in a more ready state for someone, to give yourselves the best chance possible. It's a red flag that you are talking about Dragon to your new person...that's an indication you aren't ready to be present in a current relationship. I don't mean that you should never mention him, he's part of your history and when we get in a relationship we share our history...but it shouldn't be part of your everyday current relationship.

I would definitely unfriend the person, you don't need the daily puncture wounds to the heart. You need time away in order to heal.

You are valuable and okay just by yourself. You don't need a partner to make your life great. Those are two truths I had to learn the long hard way, but they are finally there. Practice going out to dinner JUST YOU. If you go to church, it's okay to go JUST YOU. Have another couple or singles over without feeling the need to have a partner to co-host with you. Go on a hike all by yourself. Go to a movie by yourself. Get fixed up and look your best JUST FOR YOU! Fix yourself a special breakfast on the weekend. Make a special dessert you love JUST FOR YOURSELF! It takes practice. Enjoy having the remote to yourself. Buy your favorite snack and enjoy not sharing. Recognize the good things about being alone and single...you can stay up as late as you want without bothering someone else. You can sleep without someone's snoring prohibiting it. You can wear ugly pajamas and no one is the wiser. You can get a dog without having to ask someone else's permission. There ARE some good things about it! I know, if any of us could, we'd shuck all those good things over in a heartbeat to have our loved one back, but that isn't our option, so we might as well enjoy the good there is and get used to what is. It takes time, plenty of it, and you haven't had enough time to be there yet. I know, that dratted "time!". I used to hate when people mentioned "It just takes time", because time was one thing I couldn't control! Grrr! I'm so blasted impatient! And I, like you, wanted to rebuild my life. I couldn't imagine spending the next forty years alone. Well, over the last seven years, I've had my heart broke, been taken (financially), gone through some really rough places, lost my job twice, and am now facing my mom's Alzheimer's, nearly lost two of my sisters two years ago. And I've survived. I guess it's changed my perspective. I am not afraid to be alone anymore. And I see some couples not in ideal situations and I think how glad I am to be single instead of in their shoes. I look back at my last XH and am so glad I'm not in that any more. I know, I was happy with George and would love to have him back, but instead of looking at the loss, I look at how wonderful it was that I had him for a time, how lucky I was! And time can't rob me of our love and memories.

You have a lot to give, and if, when all is said and done, you still want someone in your life, I'm sure there'll be that lucky someone to share in life with you. Me...I'm just kind of tired of it all, and like being on my own. I sure didn't think I'd ever be there, but I'm kind of glad I am. It's a relief...not only to me, but to my grown kids.

[kayc]

Nat's,

I just read your post, and want to add, it's different when two people who have formed a couplehood are doing their grieving together. Even then, it's a balancing act...allowing both to be comfortable enough to share their grief together, but also not letting it rob them of their present time and relationship with each other. Some can do it, some cannot, but you have done a remarkable job of it, and there have been others here who have as well. It's different when you are in a relationship with someone who has not been widowed, because they grow weary of hearing of the ghost's name and feel they don't measure up in your eyes, etc. When you're with someone who's widowed themselves, they understand that a past love does not detract from a present love...it's not like a divorce, you don't just move on or get over it, it's always there inside of you. Kind of hard to explain to those who have not been through it!

[nats]

kayc,

Yes, I agree that's kinda what I ment by the other person feels being compared to...also it must be uncomfortable when we speak of our departed spouse's, more so if they never knew them which is most always the case...I do not think I would have been comfortable in a situation like that...thanks for the kind words, it has been a new journey indeed, traveling down the path of grief and discovering a new love all in one trip...we take things day by day and live as each day could be our last, doing and living life as I've never done before, at times I wonder if this is all a big dream...but I read something the other day that made me think as well as this quote...

NATS

"We are being tested,

so we may be perfected"

Author Unknown

"Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds

than happiness ever can;

and common sufferings are far stronger links

than common joys".

-- Alphonse de Lamartine

[kayc]

I both envy you and and very happy for you, Nats. It's what I'd hope to have with John but that was not the case. Picking the right person is of utmost importance, and anyone can con...I always thought I'd know the difference, but there are some people that are very good at faking it, giving you what you want to hear, and they're good on honing in on what that is. Once you've been fooled to the extent I have been, it's very difficult to trust again.

It's wonderful that you have someone you can talk to that "gets it" and understands and doesn't expect you to just "forget your loved one", but doesn't feel threatened by her either. I would think your relationship would be all the more solidified by your shared experience.

[mik]

Good morning~

I want to thank everyone for all your insightful thoughts and caring through this difficult time. I took what each of you has to say to heart. I will get through this. What is so difficult are those days when there seems to be little hope of anything but more grief. Taking some time and looking into the situation I find that I am just not ready for a new relationship. I tend to ward off the sadness by thinking that a new relationship will make me happy instead of doing the work one needs to do to accept the reality of today. I realize this and also that I tend to take things to the extream, instead of looking at them how they really are, thus creating a even more heartach for myself. I tend to overdramatize the situation before fully examining it. For those of you who have reminded me that it takes time...thank you. In this world of instant everything sometimes it is hard to remember that grief is a slow process and is not like clicking a computer on and off. I appreciate each and every individual response. Thank you..things will turn around eventually and I pray for the patience it takes to let them do so on their own.

Kimberly

[kayc]

Yes, things will turn around eventually.

[Lina]

You are not alone in wanting to jump into something to make things better...I did briefly consider a relationship to fix me, but realized that would not help...however I did cut off my hair, get two new tattoos and seriously considered buying a new car (thankfully I talked myself out of that because I can neither afford it nor do I need it)...oh and I am getting two kittens once they are old enough and have considered knocking out a wall in my house...will any of this fix things...ummmm....nope...but I still find myself restlessly trying to change my life so that things will feel better...so I will stop hurting.