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Rome Was Not Built In One Day.


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It is difficult for me to believe that I have not posted on this website in months. Immediately finding it after his passing. I read postings, relating to some and understanding others. In reality, what we all had and still share in common is our agony.

I, on my part, after sharing a brief stint in a psychiatric hospital under suicide watch, managed to somehow ease or should I say numb my grief.

I accepted the changes of life. Those close to me distancing themselves from me. Relocation. New Goals. . . And a new life.

I've kept myself pretty busy. New full-time job. New hobbies. Frequent reading. And much disappointment. My movie has yet to proceed and my producer is an asshole. Excuse the language. I am actually considering legal action. Yet, all I really want to do is put it behind me. But investors were involved. Luckily my previous school offered their help to continue the project. So crossed fingers for film festivals or something next year. I've honestly become slightly bitter. I feel like the dreams and plans he and I held went 180 and down the trash. I'm much more career oriented. But then again, I'm in my twenties. I was accepted into film school in September. I have kept myself pretty busy. I've attempted to keep my bubbly attitude, but it is not the same. I am not the same.

I am angry at him.

Without one doubt, I'm sure as mad as hell at the man. His selfish act not only caused everyone around him pain. But he broke me into pieces.

After the hysteria of the zombie attack out in Florida, I couldn't help in think what his personality would of become of if he continued bath salts. There are articles of aggressive behavior and murder by those on the substance. My mother claims if he and I were in person having the same argument, he would have killed me. My heart says no, but then again, he's not here is he?

I was left with guilt. His friends and some of his family see me as the cause of his death. No, it's not assuming, it is a fact. Thank you for your public Facebook status's that in no way point fingers.

But funny thing is, I remember being moody (Thanks birth control!) and depressed (my dad's family are assholes who have constantly put my brother and I down), yet I remember not once insulting or putting him down. Actually, I thought he was a catch. I told him, "You're perfect. Amazing." Insecurity makes you do crazy things. "All I asked was not talk for one night. Yes, I was rude. (My bad!) I ignored phone calls, responding texts to speak later or tomorrow. But what does he do? Gives me a good bye, asks me to tell his parents it wasn't their fault, and walks away from the phone leaving me dumb founded.

I guess this was more about ranting. But, this website has helped more than I expected to.

Somebody once asked me how I've managed to move forward, I replied. "Keeping Busy."

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Thanks for the hugs! I actually read up on the months I've missed here and read a couple of your posts. I just wanted to tell you, you are a strong, intelligent woman. The first couple of months are the worst, but I know you and your daughter will persevere this road block in life.

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Stacyines,

Of course you are angry, you have every reason to be. What he did was selfish and cowardly. Yes people blame you, they like a scapegoat, that way they aren't partially responsible and they can think of him in loving terms and absolve him. But that doesn't make it your fault, it isn't...but then, you know that.

Perhaps entering another relationship brings up old feelings and resurfaces the grief. Whatever is going on, you will get through it. You are so young, you are bright, you have so much ahead of you to look forward to. Enjoy life, all that it holds and live it to the fullest! Everyone here is rooting for you. :)

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Thanks for the hugs! I actually read up on the months I've missed here and read a couple of your posts. I just wanted to tell you, you are a strong, intelligent woman. The first couple of months are the worst, but I know you and your daughter will persevere this road block in life.

Thank you so much. Losing Arthur has been the hardest thing I have ever lived through. Having Sophia has been what has kept me going. I feel such compassion and grief for those going through this alone.

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