Paranoid About Dying

[Lina]

Since Arthur died I have found myself so much more paranoid about things. Yesterday I woke up feeling odd....tired and dizzy with a head ache...I ended up sleeping most of the day and it was not till evening that I thought to check my temp and discovered I have a mild fever (101.4)...before then I kept on finding myself wondering if I had a brain tumor or some other terminal disease that would kill me.

It seems that the slightest thing sends my mind racing towards doom and gloom....and has me at deaths door. I am so paranoid I will die and leave my daughter to the mercies of my ex. I talked to my lawyer to see if I could 'assign' custody in my will, but in my state it does not matter what I put down as my wishes...the bio parent always has first rights...even though my daughter has said she wants to go to Nana if anything happens to me.

If he were a good parent I would be fine with this, but I shudder at what her life would be like and who she would be allowed to grow up to be if he got custody of her. I am scared to die and leave her and since Arthur's death life seems so horribly fragile. I keep on telling myself I just need to stay alive another nine years and then she will be safe and will be able to make choices for herself. I would like to live longer than that...but nine years will get her to 18 and legal adulthood.

Am I the only one whose mortality seems a little too obvious since losing their beloved?

[kayc]

Lina,

I think about it all the time. I have a big dog that is like a child to me, we're very close, and he is very big and lively and I'm afraid I've spoiled him, he can sit on the furniture, run in the house, and we're happy with it, but OTHER people would not be and if something happened to me I shudder to think what would happen to him, if anyone would adopt him or would he be euthanized? That would break my heart because he has a wonderful spirit and deserves to live his life out...he's so loving and so funny and goofy, he makes me laugh!

I know, a dog isn't the same but to me it is a worry just like your daughter's fate is to you. I would state your wishes in your will all the same and why, maybe they would at least consider it? When your daughter gets older they will consider her wishes. And her and Nana would have to stay in close touch so Nana could fight for her if need be, at least she'd have her as an advocate.

I think because we have lost our spouse unexpectedly, we know all the more how quickly things can change, how we can't take life for granted, and it's never far from our thoughts. It has a positive effect in that we live life more appreciatively and to the fullest, but the down side is...we worry about losing someone else or the effects of our own death.

About all we can do is make whatever provisions we can and hope for the best. My son promised me he'd take my dog in if I died...but that was before he got married, and she's not a dog fan. I would hope he would follow through even though it might alter my dog's life in that he probably wouldn't be allowed in the house, but at least he could go on hikes and rides with my son.

Another positive is that this nagging thought prompts great incentive for me to live and make it, at least as long as Arlie is alive, he's counting on me, he needs me. He keeps me going.

Yes...we think about it too.

[Guest babylady]

i think about dying too. i have a spoiled cat who is not "adoptable". i put it in my will that if anything happens to me he should be euthanized immediately. no one would put up with him and he's completely devoted to me.

i wouldn't mind dying. i don't have a life without john. i feel ill most of the time and death would be welcome.

[kayc]

babylady,

(((hugs)))

[Unrecognizable]

I'm 43 now. Met my husband when I was 37, and married at 39, he died when I was 41. 11 months before that his brother, who was 39 committed suicide, and just 4.5 months after my husband died my uncle died. Death, Death, Death. There have been so many others since then, there is no point in listing them all.

But to answer the question, yes, I seem constantly aware of my death at some point, and my elderly parents deaths, which will probably be soon rather then later considering they're 78 years old. I'm so sick of it. I don't try to think about it, but my mind seems fixed on a few things since my husband accidently drowned, was missing for two days, and his body found in the water. This is how little I thought of death (before he died)...the whole time he was missing I never once thought he was dead, and while others were very concerned, I was thinking to myself "how paranoid these people are, he's a big boy, he can take care of himself." When I got he phone call I fell on the floor, and when I say that it seem over dramatic, but I remember thinking to myself at the time that I feel on the floor..."wow, people really do fall on the floor."

It's all so horrible, and I haven't gotten past any of it. I haven't lived since he died. I am alive. I exist. But there is nothing more. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. Nothing seems of any value or effort any more.

It's been over 2 years, and I'm still not me. At this point I don't believe I will ever be the me I know and love, again. I actually miss me. And this thing, that is supposedly me now, is unacceptable.

I actually wish that I had never met him. I'm sure that sounds horrible, but I'm being honest. However, we can never change the past, althought I would like to get a labotomy and have it erased so I can be happy and satisfied with this life again.

Yes, death, just around the corner, my husband was only 46, and we didn't have wills yet, so after he died the hell was just beginning. My life was not my own until Dec 2011. That is how long it took to go thru probate. The beaurocracy kicks in the moment someone dies. Everyone wants money. No one wants to assist a poor widow. Friends and family suddenly become strangers, and "oh so busy".

When I was a teen one of our favorite expressions was "life sucks, and then you die", of course I had no idea what I was saying then, but I do now, and now I believe it.

Personally, I feel like I'm just waiting for death. I don't choose to be this way, and this is not at all who I was, I had such a zest for life. I guess I feel stabbed in the back now, and it all seems so futile, and worthless. I don't know what the point is. I guess I never did before either, but then, it didn't seem to matter, was never even a question I had considered. Now it matters. What is the point of this life?

Sorry to go on. Yes, I think about death. Sometimes I think it would be a relief. Other times I'm not ready to die yet. I was never a wishy washy person, always very decisive, now look at me, I'm ruined. One guy dies and I'm ruined. Yeap, that's me thinking about death. Perhaps, some day, my brain will get off this kick and think on something else, I do keep trying, but it's just not working yet.

I wish you all the luck and love in this world. God bless and keep you strong.

[kayc]

Unrecognizable,

I don't recall seeing a post from you before, so I want to welcome you to this forum...that said, I am very sorry for your loss and I totally understand what you're saying and experiencing. I feel the same way except I would never choose to have not met George, it is his love and memories that sustain me. I know we all handle grief differently and some would choose different. When I hear the song "The Dance" (Garth Brooks) I feel the same way, I wouldn't have missed it for anything, I just wish it would have lasted longer. We were only married 3 years 8 months.