mfh Posted August 27, 2012 Report Share Posted August 27, 2012 For those of you who do not know me, I lost my husband 29 months ago today. I have not been posting a lot lately (taking some time) but posted regularly for close to two years and feel close to many of you and grateful to all. One of my professions (I have two) was as a publisher of a local publication Bill and I founded, created, and worked on together. I sold that publication last month. It was like selling our child but it was time and the relief is great. The decision is leaving space and time to heal my bodymind and heart and to further explore my grief, my life...myself...my future...sometimes a bit too much space...like being in a broad expanse of arid desert. Anyway, today the new owner (who I like a lot and have worked with in the transition) sent me a sneak peek of the pdf of the September issue (now on the press)...the first one I had basically nothing to do with (I helped with technical stuff, ideas, etc but this issue is truly hers). I skimmed it for initial impressions, then zoomed in on it and then had to quit...as my tears began to flow--catching me off guard. I knew this chapter was truly over and all the memories of starting Voice of the River Valley (the name of it) with Bill, the ups and downs of it, and then doing it alone when he could no longer do his parts of it and all during the time of his deterioration due to Alzheimer's and his death and my grief (all of which have their own memories) flooded my being. It actually caught me off guard and for a fairly guarded person...I was quite surprised at my own reaction and response. Flashbacks came zooming in on me...and still are. Many from the tough days, of course. I remember the days I was trying to design an ad and deadline was looming or when software would not cooperate at deadline time...and Bill would come to my office (just off the kitchen) repeatedly because he could not remember that he was just there a moment ago....or falling on the way to my office because he could not remember how to use the walker...on and on and on the memories go turning my day upside down....again. Sometimes I was the picture of love and patience as I lovingly and kindly walked him to "his chair" or made him comfortable in my office, got him a coke or whatever he wanted. Other times-not so patient....still struggle with that but not nearly as much as a few months ago. Forgiving self is perhaps one of our toughest challenges in life. I was supposed to be a perfect caregiver. I have educated myself about care giving since then and know better NOW. I also have learned how traumatized I was by all that happened. He was my soul mate, a part of who I am...long awaited in both of our lives. Anyway, today was a leap from somewhere to somewhere. Have to figure that one out. The Voice of the River Valley is no longer ours/mine (www.voiceoftherivervalley.com). How lovely it is that the new owner cited Bill and myself as the founding publishers and that the statement will be in every issue. I will watch Voice grow now and perhaps someday write for it again (as the new owner has requested of me). Selling it has given me the financial supplement I need to take a year or more off from work (as needed) from work and then return in some capacity to whatever I choose to do. Another letting go that opens up more space..a space I am choosing to use as wisely as possible so that grief and loss and this entire journey can truly teach me its lessons, allow me time to explore without the pressures of deadlines and publishing...the roller coaster ride continues and I did not see this drop coming. But I have survived them all and we all will survive the losses we grieve...survive and grow and learn from them. Peace to your hearts, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 27, 2012 Report Share Posted August 27, 2012 Oh Mary, you are in my prayers. I hold you in my heart today...I know that change, even good change, is stressful as it requires adjustments, letting go, etc. With time I hope the only memories associated bring you a smile along with the relief from stress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 27, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 27, 2012 Oh Mary, you are in my prayers. I hold you in my heart today...I know that change, even good change, is stressful as it requires adjustments, letting go, etc. With time I hope the only memories associated bring you a smile along with the relief from stress. This is not a huge thing..it just hit me. Overall letting go of Voice is much more positive than negative but it surely caught me off guard today when I saw the next issue...and yet I am trying to focus on the fun times re Voice..times Bill went with me to interview a feature because it was a wood worker and seeing his woodworking shop was fun, or someone who made canoes, or he was going to shoot the pictures (he was better at that than I am). Changes open it all up, don't they. Peace and thanks, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted August 27, 2012 Report Share Posted August 27, 2012 Mary, This is a big change for you and changes of all kinds can produce stress in our lives. As if our lives aren't stressful enough. But it sounds like you've made a wise decision, you'll have more freedom and more money so that you can relax a little. Thinking about you today... Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 27, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 27, 2012 Thank you Melina. You are right...any change seems to be stressful in our lives. This was a big one for me as my schedule focused around the various deadlines for Voice each month. I know it is a wise decision. I did not sell it for all that much money but enough to supplement the coming year....and that feels VERY good. I just went through the issue again and she did a great job. Since she requested my feedback I will let her know all the positives which are abundant and a few cliches that could use attention...mostly technical stuff. It is a strange feeling to hold it in my hands knowing I did not produce it. Ah, well. Thanks, Melina. Think of you often...Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 28, 2012 Report Share Posted August 28, 2012 My friend, Melina and Kay have it right, any change brings some stress, even change that we know is the right thing to do. The first time I directed a play in community theatre without Mike to go to for support did a similar thing to me. Will be thinking of you. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2012 I agree, Mary. I somehow thought I was past it with my magazine...I guess it is like other losses...like getting ambushed by photos of our loved ones now gone, or even a mug in the cabinet. A blizzard of memories came sweeping in. Thanks, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missing him Posted August 28, 2012 Report Share Posted August 28, 2012 Mary - what a strong woman you are. I am thinking of you and I hope you heal and get the well-deserved rest that is needed. You and many other members on this site are always there for us. I wish you all the best. Missing Him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted August 28, 2012 Report Share Posted August 28, 2012 Mary, Thank you for sharing. We are all such unique people. I'm glad you'll have more time to post. It's strange that when we open our hearts to what others have to say we some how gain new insights into our own grief. enna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 28, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2012 Missing him, thanks for your message. Enna, you also. And how are each of you faring these days? Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 28, 2012 Report Share Posted August 28, 2012 It is amazing to me how many times something will trigger a memory or an event will make me realize all over again just how much I miss him. He was such a wonderful support! This last week has been particularly stressful to me and it serves as a reminder just how alone I am. But I'm doing okay, and each passing year I get a little more used to it. I have had to learn to ASK for help, which is totally against my nature! I hate that! But the older I get, I might as well get used to it. And I am learning to do things I never did before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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