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Rollercoastering Along


Chai

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I feel like I have no right to post here and expect any reply because I've been so inactive on this site for such a very very long time...I haven't spoken to any of the newcomers, though I embrace them all to my heart with love...I haven't replied to anyone's troubles or acted like I care at all, though I think of you all and I do care...

It's been almost 4 years since my dad passed away. I was thinking I was ok. I've been experiencing all these inner changes in my life lately that I feel have helped me grow into a better person, a sweeter more loving person that my father would appreciate...so I've been alright, lately. Happy. Growing. Becoming more adult and responsible. I even had this young man who reminds me of my dad say he's in love with me...I don't know what I want in life, so I'm just friends with that guy right now but...I"m still attracted to people who remind me of my dad.

Recently a friend of my mom's was taking me on a makeover escapade to get a haircut and new glasses. I was talking to the hair cutting salon lady about why my hair changed color, texture etc. and mentioned how my father passed away in 2008. I think I used the word "died." After years of phobia with that word, i find I can use it now.

So in the car after the haircut my mom's friend, "L", was saying how she noticed that the way I talked about my father's death was as if it had happened recently. She recommended this physical therapy/emotional therapy thing called cranial sacral therapy, where they get the kinks out of your body and discuss your stress with you.

I thanked her for her advice but was thinking to myself...can't a young woman still miss her dad and mourn him? He was my best friend!

That comment has been in my subconscious ever since... this morning I spontaneously was looking at my personal album of photos of my dad. And I didn't cry, I smiled and had some sad moments. But then I came on here and watched that video I made in memory of my father...and I started bawling like a baby, tears streaming down my face and just sobbing uncontrollably.

I DO still miss my dad intensely...I guess I've sortof been avoiding it? Not that I don't think of him, but I just thought I was OK and wasn't really doing grieving work lately. I haven't been writing him letters...but then I thought, I DO want to share with him, I DO, because so much has happened to me, in me and out of me, since 2008. I think the last time I wrote a letter to my dad was in 2009 or 2010 after college graduation.

Anyway I'm rambling here. I'll stop. But I just...felt that intense grief rise up in me again and had to write about it here. Hugs and love to you all...

xoxoxo

Chai

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Chai,

You needn't apologize for not writing here throughout that time...sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't write, but I do, and until someone tells me not to, I will probably continue to. We all handle things differently, and those differences are okay and what makes us us.

Why don't you write your dad a letter? Tell him what you've been going through, what you've accomplished, how you feel about the special ones you've met, why you like them (that they remind you of him). I was a daddy's girl. I lost my dad over 30 years ago. He wasn't around when I had my children or faced the hard places in my life, he didn't get to see me at my favorite job. He doesn't know that nature is in my soul and that he had a big part in that. He didn't get to know my pets, he doesn't realize he has a grandson that is smarter than all get out, and a granddaughter that could win anyone's heart. My dad missed a lot. I've gotten used to being without him all of these years, but you aren't used to it, so why not write to your dad? Continue to memorialize him in some way if it brings you comfort! A lot of people do that with their children, spouse, why not your dad?

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My dad died in 2006. My grief therapist told me that you always grieve, but the pain gets softer. But you still get grief attacks sometimes. As the years go by, the grief attacks happen less often, but they still happen, and you never know what will trigger it.

The bottom line is that your experience is NORMAL. Your friend happened to hear you talk about your father, and our society expects that you will be "back to normal". That doesn't happen. You have a New Normal, and that normal includes the fact that your father died a few years ago, and you still miss him. Again, this is NORMAL.

So don't take this as something going wrong. Your friend's comment simply triggered a grief attack for you. That doesn't mean you haven't "moved on", since you are living your life and are doing well, and can remember your father with smiles instead of crying every single time his name comes up. But, now and then, you do cry. Again, this is normal.

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Everything Ann said, I second it!

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Yes, and it bears repeating: Chai, you will always, always "have a right to post here," if ever and whenever you feel a need to do so.

As for still missing your dad four years after he passed away, I can assure you that the number of years simply does not matter. My dad died many years ago (way too soon) and there is not a day when I don't think of him and miss his physical presence in my life. Depending on the circumstances, I'm often moved to tears when I'm reminded of something about him that I really, really miss. We only have one dad in life, and if we are fortunate enough to have been blessed with a good one, there is no way we can ever fill that void. The relationship between a father and his daughter can be magical. Your dad was one of the special ones, simply irreplaceable, and you will miss him every day of your life, for the rest of your life. There is nothing abnormal or wrong about that, and I suggest you embrace it and celebrate it as yet another measure of how very much you love each other. ♥

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