Boomer Is Gone And I Am Lost

[BoomersMom]

I have been reading posts on here and they have been comforting. I know I should write about Boomer's life and what happened at the end, but I can't yet. Tonight I just need to say what I am going through to get it out.

Boomer was almost 17 years old, I've had her since she was 6 months old. I put her to sleep on 12/14/12. Since that moment I have been overwhelmed with the thought that I left her at the vet, I can't get to her and she is alone. I have to remind myself that she is gone. I feel immense sadness most of the time coupled with overwhelming grief that makes me either want to vomit, double over or sob uncontrollably. I have trouble sleeping, forget to eat until I am starving and feel overwhelmed by daily tasks. I have never felt pain like this. My husband asked me "what part of losing Boomer is causing so much sadness?" (he was asking genuinely to try and understand). That was a really good question that I had to think about... it is the thought of never seeing her again and that I should be caring for her and I can't get to her.

I believe that maybe I gave up on her, I didn't try enough, I did it too soon. I have to constantly fight those thoughts cause if she was here she would be in pain, not eating and have severe dementia like she did when I put her to sleep. I have read others stories on here, people feeling the same guilt, and I think "well they were right to put their dog to sleep", and then "but I was wrong".

I will write more another night, maybe tomorrow.

Any words, advice or thoughts are appreciated. I don't want to feel so alone in this.

[mfh]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I do know the pain you are dealing with from when we lost our first Golden in 2000. I felt guilt that perhaps I did not do enough in spite of the voice inside of me that was clearly saying, "it is time". I felt sadness, that until I lost my husband two years ago, I had never really known. There are no words that will really comfort you but do know that I am reaching out to you in your loss. I sometimes look at my 9 year old Golden and know I will someday have to face his death and the only thing that tells me I will get through it is that I am getting through the loss of my husband. These losses of those with whom we share our daily life and those who love us so deeply are the toughest and they transform us. Know that I wish you a moment of peace and that you are not alone in your gut wrenching sorrow.

Mary

[kayc]

Boomer's Mom,

I am so sorry, I know how hard it is to lose our pets, been through it too many tilmes and I'm afraid when I lose my current dog I'll be inconsolable. I want to say you shouldn't feel guilty, but I know not to dismiss your feelings. Marty posted some links on feeling guilty on someone's loss of pet thread, I'll see if I can find it. I feel if I survived losing my husband, I should be able to survive anything, but then again, losing your pet can feel like the last straw. I do know that I have found some good come from the bad things that have come my way and I try to focus on what good there still is rather than only on my losses, I hope that helps. Also, try to stay in the moment, today, and not tackle the thought of "the rest of your life", it's too much for any of us to handle. Today, breathe deeply and try to remember to take care of yourself, eat and sleep as best as you can. I hope and pray you get some needed relief soon. I'm so sorry for your loss.

http://hovforum.ipbh...indpost&p=50645

[Melissa138]

Hi Boomer's mom,

First let me say how sorry I am. I'm sorry for your loss of Boomer and I'm sorry you have to go through this pain. I lost my best friend Lola in June and can relate to so much of what you are going through. However, I'm also a vet assistant and I just want to tell you a few things from that perspective. I'm not sure if you stayed with Boomer or not (this is something we can talk more about when you are ready if you want), but when you said "I left her at the vet, I can't get to her and she is alone" I can promise you, she is not alone.

Boomer's physical body may have been left at the vet, but what made her Boomer was not left behind. The memories, the good times, her spirit, her presence, that special thing that made her special, all that is still there. I understand wanting to get to her. Trust me, I would do anything to be able to smoosh Lola's jowls and kiss them again. But she is still there. Someone once described the departed as being behind a curtain (I picture a glass since I know Lola loved to lick windows!). We can't reach them, but they can see us. We can close our eyes and picture them. They are still with us, but for the time being we are separated by a glass. Someday we will be on the same side again.

I know you are feeling guilt about her passing. What you are thinking is something I see so many people struggle with (and have myself too). The best thing I can tell you is that you knew Boomer best. You knew what her quality of life was and what she could and could not handle. You knew when the time is right. The hardest thing a pet owner can do is to let go. It takes so much courage and LOTS of love to be able to make the decision you know is best for your pet. The fact that you knew Boomer was in pain and were able to stop her from suffering to me shows how much you loved her. You thought of her needs first and acted selflessly, even though you knew how hard it would be. I know if she could, she would thank you for that.

I hope this can give you at least a bit of comfort. Please take care of yourself.

[BoomersMom]

Thank you all for your kind words. Here is Boomers story...

I got Boomer from the pound when she was apprx 6 months old. I was looking at other dogs to adopt and when I was leaving I saw this little puppy hiding in the back of her cage. I bent down and put my fingers through the cage and she shyly came over and kissed my fingers and I was sold. I went up to the counter to tell them I had chosen a dog and which they promptly told me 2 things...1) she is part siberian husky and 2) that numerous people wanted her so there would be a lottery the next day at 7am. If you look at my profile pic you see she is NOT husky...she is beagle/corgi mix. So I went to the lottery and no one showed up but me, so I put my name in the can they had and they pulled it right back out and said "I won!" They then gave me a leash to put on her and told me I had to use the leash to walk her out. As we started walking out she wouldn't go, I almost had to drag her down the sidewalk and I started thinking "uh oh, maybe I made a mistake". I got to the gate of the pound, took off her leash and picked her up. She was shaking. I got in my truck, shut the door and boom! She was a different dog! She began jumping around, licking me all over my face and wagging. I always thought she must have been thinking she was going to slaughter as they know that happens there at the pound. So from then on it was me and Boomer! Two peas in a pod. I promptly took her to the pet store and while I was there 2 different people approached me asking me if I got "that dog at the pound" in which I said yes and they said they had put in for that dog and the lottery wasn't supposed to be until tomorrow. Well that was one mistake I would never be mad at the pound about

For the next 15 years Boomer was my best friend, my sweet loving little girl who never had any health problems, never pottied in the house, always listened, slept with me every night and went every where with me. She loved to swim, she floated on rafts, she hiked the grand canyon, she would ask before going outside or before coming inside if it wasn't using the doggy door. She was perfect, my angel and so full of love.

On Halloween 2011 she had a seizure out of the blue, I was terrified. Since that day she decompensated greatly. She could no longer go upstairs to bed, she wouldn't let me pet her, she didn't want attention or loves, she quit barking and had a lot of dementia. We made adjustments. She began having pain from a slipped disc in her lower back from all the up and down the stairs and jumping on and off the bed so we began trying different pain meds for her. She lost a lot of weight over a few months since she wouldn't eat due to the pain and refused the pain meds no matter what we did. We finally found the magic combination and she rallied and for about 2 months she seemed better. But still deaf, a lot of dementia and not wanting loves or to be petted. She had her second seizure October of this year. She declined further. Defecating in the house constantly, walking in it, spreading it everywhere. That was SO unlike her. About 2 weeks ago she stopped eating and taking her meds for 3 days straight. I thought it was time to let her go, my husband didn't agree. We decided to try everything we could for one more week, after all she was 17 years old, but we would try. She ate for 2 days then it stopped again. Last Friday morning, after she hadn't eaten in over 24 hours she began to grab at my hands like I had food in them, begging for food, I became hysterical, sobbing, begging her to eat, trying to give her food but she wouldn't eat. I knew I couldn't watch this any longer, she wasn't going to get better. I called the Vet sobbing who said immediately "it is time" which I needed to hear. I went upstairs to get clothes on and came down 2 minutes later and she was standing in the middle of the living room in her feces looking lost...I knew. I put her in the car and went to the Vet. The Vet told me about the procedure and when they give the second shot to stop her heart she could die with her eyes open and defecate on herself. I couldn't watch that, i was terrified to see her that way. So I stayed while they gave her the sleepy medicine and she fell asleep peacefully whilie I petted her, told her how good a girl she was, how much we loved her and would miss her. She was peacefully asleep, no more pain. They came in to give the second shot and I couldn't stay to see it...I asked the nurse that knew her well to stay with her for that which she cried and said "of course". And I left, with her peacefully sleeping, eyes closed, out of pain.

I couldn't stay for the last part and now I regret it. I feel like I left her. I keep trying to tell myself she was totally asleep, not moving at all, she didn't know, but my emotional part won't hear that. I guess that is why I kept feeling like I "left her there".

I miss her so much. I have never grieved like this before, have never expereinced death of any kind. I finally have been able to stop crying all day, now just have crying moments and lots of anxiety and a whole in my heart. I hope she didn't feel alone in the end, that is my fear. I loved her so much.

[kayc]

Oh Boomer's Mom, thank you for opening your heart to us and sharing your story. I do understand. When I had my Lucky put to sleep, she got frantic and fought going to sleep...I have never seen an animal do that before but the vet said sometimes they do. I felt so bad, after all, I could have let her have a few more months! But...she'd been incontinent for two years, she was losing her eyesight and her hearing, she got a tumor on her eye and on other parts of her body. She had arthritis in her leg that had had an injury when she was young (it had a spring in it). Her disposition changed and she no longer smiled or seemed to have that quality of life that she so deserved. In my heart, I know it was time, yet we are so good at self-doubts and second guessing ourselves. When she started waking up whimpering in the night, I knew it was time.

It is us that want to selfishly hang on to them. The harder thing is to let go, to release them from their pain and suffering and their diminished quality of life and let them go so they can wait for us on the other side. They may not know what is going on, but your Boomer was sound asleep when you left and would not have awakened...he did not feel abandoned. He always knew you loved him, after all, you are the one that rescued him from that place and gave him a life with you. He knows you love him and if he could, he would comfort and reassure you.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[BoomersMom]

Thank you Kay, that means a lot to me, really. Boomer also fought the sleepy medicine, youre not alone in that. Thank you again for your words.

[kayc]

This is almost as hard as losing a spouse. It's not the same, of course, and doesn't affect you on financial levels, chores, social life, etc., but we are amazingly close to our pets and the adjustments are tremendous. They sense how we feel and respond to us accordingly, they are our constant and loyal companions. They are amazing and it is no wonder you are grief stricken.

[tess1623]

Boomer's Mom and Melissa - We just lost our very special girl on Dec 10th and I am going through the exact same thing. The best way to describe it is my heart has been shredded. I've been measuring my days by how long I can go without crying - not just tearing up but out and out sobbing. I cried myself to sleep last night. My husband feels the same, but he seems to manage his emotions more than I can. Due to some childhood trauma, I just don't do death very well. So Boomer's Mom, there are others out there going through the exact same thing and I have been thinking of you since I first read this post a few days ago. I do have to add Melissa - your post was especially comforting and you have no idea how much of an effect your words have on me. THANK YOU for sharing, you are helping me get through each day and I wanted to be sure you knew that.