ashley1986 Posted January 14, 2013 Report Share Posted January 14, 2013 Well, where to start. First off my name is ashley, and im 26 years old. I lost my mom a month and a half ago, and im unsure of why she passed she was 64 years old, and was a year cancer free. She was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in april of 2011. We found out initally when i decided to take her to get her hearing tested as it was getting worse and worse. I took her to multiple appointments during a 5 day period, and when the last appointment came the doctor had told us she had a mass on her brain and we needed to see a neurologist. Through this we took her to more appointments and they had found out her brain tumor was caused by the lung cancer she had. This was march of 2011, i had only known about the brain tumor as i was there with her, and i had to return back to school that following weekend. It wasnt until may of 2011 until i was told about her lung cancer. I didnt know much about cancer except that it was a terrible disease, i did my research and read the odds of survival for stage four and was pretty much devestated. I was also upset that my family had with held this information from me for the time being. I understand the reason they did not tell me, but it still was hard to grasp. Through her chemo and radiation i saw the effects that cancer and its treatment could have on someone, it was difficult but at no point did i feel burdened i rather wanted to be the one going through the treatment than her. My mom her entire life has been a little lady, her max weight in her lifetime couldnt have surpassed 80 pounds. During her last years she was max of 70 pounds. As of November 2011 my mom had beat cancer, all traces of cancer in her body was gone, it was truly a miracle. Im a firm believer in positive thinking and i believe this is what got my mom through her cancer. Her hearing was bad like i said and initally when she was told about the brain tumor she thought it was a mass on her head (not her brain) as for the cancer she never knew how serious it was, as she couldnt follow the conversations at the doctors because of her hearing. When i had a talk with her after she was cleared i explained to her how serious it was and how amazing it was that she overcame it. As of November of 2012 my mom was a year cancer free, however she had not been eating and her weight was dramatically decreasing. A couple days before she had passed she had fallen and fractured her vertebrea, this is the second time this had happened. She also had osteoperosis, i was at school when this happened and was not told about what had happened until 12 hours later. I was sure she would make it through it as she was a fighter. about 3 days after her fall i was at school working on my final project for school, it was a friday, i had been at school for 18 hours and had gotten back to my apartment friday morning at around 6am, i had fallen asleep around 8am. I woke up around noon and saw a missed call and text message from my father who lives in tennesee, i was in buffalo,ny for school and my mother lived in albany, ny with my brother who lived in the house with her, and my other brother was local to my mom living with his wife. my mother and father were seperated, not divorced. he had been an amazing supporter to her during her time being sick, has always been there for all of my family. Anyways, i had woken up and saw the text and missed call but called my moms phone first as she was the first and last person i spoke to everyday, we would usually talk about 5 times a day, we were very close. So i called her and her phone was off, i thought this was odd, her phone was never off. I had a feeling something was wrong. I called my dad, his phone was busy, called my moms house line and my aunt (my moms sister) picked up. She was a prime caregiver to my mom, she took her to every single appointment. She answered and told me to hold on, the phone disconnected. So i called what i thought was my aunts cell phone, it was her house phone, my uncle picked up and said i had to call aunt pats cell, i told him no and that he had to tell me what was going on, it took a couple of tries to get it out of him, but he eventually told me my mom had passed. I was in shock, mad, sad, angry, everything. during this time of calling people, i was on my way to school. By the time my uncle had told me i had arrived at school. I turned around went to my apartment and started packing. My other aunts were 20 minutes from buffalo to pick me up when i found out. My aunt pat was at my house that day because the night before (thursday) my mom wasnt able to walk, they were going to admit her into the hospital, again no one told me this. My aunt pat and my aunt jo ann went to my house, my mom was what they thought was sleeping on the couch (this is where she slept) my moms dog wasnt on the couch with her so they went and looked for the dog, as when she is not on the couch with my mom it usually means she went to the bathroom somewhere in the house. my aunt jo ann went to my mom to wake her up and told my aunt pat that she was cold, my aunt pat replied well she is always cold, this was true, my mom was always cold. My aunt pat went to wake her and there was no response. they called 911 and they arrived and said she was passed. All this was around 8am friday morning, an hour after i had fallen asleep in a different city four hours away. When i had gotten back from school that friday morning, i was looking for my eyebrow tweezers as i always do my eyebrows, i had looked under my bed as i thought thats where they might have fallen. I had crawled under my bed with a flashlight and saw a lifesaver candy, this was my moms favorite candy. i sat there and stared at it, thinking this is strange. Now the week before i had been home for thanksgiving, before i came home i had cleaned my entire apartment and even under my bed, so i thought it was odd this candy was under my bed, because i had just cleaned under my bed. now at this time i had no idea that my mom was passed. I didnt find that out until four hours later. Now im a firm believer in spirituality, positive thinking. I used to be very religious but it diminished when i was younger, as i started paying attention in school especially in science class, it took my faith away. When my mom was sick with cancer i would pray constantly, i didnt pray to anyone in specific, but it was a way for me to get my thoughts to the universe or whatever may be out there. After my mom had passed i was a wreck the first couple of days, for the wake and funeral i was okay though. a couple days after this i went back to school to finish my final project. i was sad but it hadnt really hit me yet. I was concerned to why i wasnt upset, i felt as if i were selfish or if i didnt care which is absolutely not the case. When i finished my project i packed my belongings and moved home, as i had just graduated - my mom wanted to see me graduate so badly. i moved back and i was a wreck, and i still am, cry myself to sleep nearly every night. I worry because i dont know if theres an afterlife, i've always looked at death like this - for myself im okay with it, im okay with the fact that i will eventually die and there may not be an afterlife, it might just be black. I've been okay with this for myself, but not for others. Now that my mom has passed im not okay with this at all and it drives me crazy because i want to know if theres an afterlife, it drives me crazy everyday thinking about this. Im a type of person that needs to know everything, and when things are beyond my control it drives me wild inside. I'll research things top and bottom to figure out what i can do to help. But im stuck because i cant do anything... Also since my moms passing i've been having difficulties with my sister in law, and its upsetting to me because shes my sister in law. shes a great person but tends to take the authoritve role in situations. christmas eve our family comes over to our house to celebrate, we continuted it this year in my moms tradition, my sister in law had taken it in her favor to decide to take the thank you cards out for my aunts and uncles to decide who they need to write them to, i thought this was not the time or the place to do so, i had told my brother (sister in laws husband) that this was not the right time for this, she had overheard and interupted and said "well ashley we had to get it done so we are doing it now" plain to say, i flipped out. i apologized the next day for flipping out as it was not in my character to do that in front of family. a couple weeks later she had texted me asking if i could bring the thank you cards over, i said sure. later in that text she was asking if i was going to speak to someone about my emotions, i told her i didnt believe in psychiatrists or therapists and my emotions, sadness and anger were perfectly normal during this process. She then scrutinized me in how can i learn to deal with this stuff if i dont have someone to teach me, it frustrated me. I had a conversation with my brother the next day about this and he told me to screw off basically. Since then i have not spoken to either of them. Lastly about my mom, the week before she passed i had taken her out christmas shopping and to lunch, she had told me at lunch she didnt think she was normal, and that she was losing it. i told her not to think those things, that to me shes perfect. Shes always been self concious about her appearance, as she was a smoker and it aged her a bit, she also had the hearing problems as well she had ptosis (an eye condition where you cannot open your eyes fully). So i guess my questions are, how do i deal with my sister in law, and also how do i deal with not knowing if my mom is in a better place and is still able to hear me talk to her and able to know that i love and miss her dearly. 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