Transformations On This Path

[mfh]

fae, I see you riding this roller coaster and I am in the seat behind you...I have your back. You will be ok. And it is ok to be right where you are...in fact it is perfect.

I wear both of our wedding rings on my left hand...they will stay there until forever....I will be buried with them...right next to Bill. My name is already on the grave stone....and it reads...together forever. I remember the day we picked them out. They are an open weave symbolizing our commitment to be totally open and real always with each other.

[kayc]

Jan, so glad to hear you had a good weekend!

Mary, sorry today has been so trying...if your eyes continue to be sensitive to light, those darkening kind of glasses might be good...although it'd drive me nuts because they're dark a long time after entering a lightened room and that makes it hard to see. I have sunglasses that pop on to my glasses magnetically, and I love them, you might consider something like that.

fae, You can tell us about anything here...if it's enough to bother you, it's enough to talk about. Remember, people can read or not read, but I don't mind you pouring it out, I'm always ears. I've been through so much in my life, and I know how much it helps to be truly heard.

I too love the picture of you with your hand on your heart...a valuable lesson Mary shared with us from Tara.

[feralfae]

Thank you Mary and Kay, and anyone,

There is a particular kind of anger that accompanies betrayal, and I felt it before, when David became violent, and he had the excuse of mental illness. Not that it mattered after that: No One gets to lay a hand on me.

And while I cannot label this betrayal yet, I know I have that same anger. But it is leaving, and I am clearing, so I guess this new moon has brought clearing energy with it I will check on the Mahavidyas and see what is going on with them these days.

Mary, I love the symbolism of your rings, too. Doug was going to make a ring for me of his own design, but he became too ill, so this is one he slipped on my finger and smiled and said, "Wife" and then burst out laughing and twirled me around. I wish he had made a ring for me. He was a wonderful artist with gold and silver. Doug did not wear rings, because of his work and play. I did not wear mine when in the studio or mountains. Now I wear it as much as I can. I keep taking it of, putting it back on, and when I forget it for a couple of days, as I have always done, I can smile about it now: I no longer feel I am being careless. This is such a whole new learning on so many levels.

Kay, thank you. Yes, a lot of this is just getting it out, telling the rest of the story, letting it go, sorting out what I carry with me and what I leave on the trail, on the journey. Some things are most definitely not at all worth carrying into this new left I am discovering ever so slowly. Stuff. Words. Things. Feelings. I do feel I am lightening my life and heart as I let this stuff go. So, as much as I am able, I will let it flow and process it. I am so very blessed that I can take a lot of days off from the office, and some days I can hole up, like today.

Tomorrow, I gotta work on a bunch of stuff, including a project in NZ. I have a varied and interesting life. I think a good balance these days is work three days and take 4 off each week. That way, I can make all my appointments and errands on work days, and just hole up the other days. I may try to work it so I have Friday-Monday off. I will see if I can work that out soon.

Thank you all. It is a wonderful comfort to have this fire to warm and comfort me, and to give me a place to be safe and free.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Thanks, Kay. It was really just trying IN Costco. I could not believe the lights. I have noticed for the past couple of weeks, especially since the second eye was done, that I am super sensitive to light...driving at night, sun, bright rooms....

I have also watched myself today and tonight as I have been quiet here adn then on line and then quiet and then on line...I am fully realizing how not at peace I am about this wedding trip decision...I am scattered, off center, restless, not me, stressed....and though I will not change my mind, I have to come to a place of peace with it.....the task of this week. I was going to a mindfulness day at the Franciscan Spirituality Center next Saturday just to have something to do as the day will be hard mostly because my entire family is out there and I feel I am not much of a part of them and not being there deepens that feeling... but my good friend's brother died and the funeral is Saturday. The family is super known in Madison (born and raised and into big business there) so it will be an all day affair. I will just go to the service and sneak out after greeting my friend. I only know my friend Mary Ann (also the one who totally understands why I am staying home)...said when I showed her my outfit that she did not know how i would get to the wedding as worn down and as compromised as my vision is. I knew it also. It takes me a while to come to places of decision and then peace these days. Something else that has changed since Bill died. I know I will grab hold someday and be me again..a new me granted...but one I can easily live with again. In the meantime...patience patience patience.

[mfh]

fae, as a therapist I have always believed that the story telling that goes on in therapy is a good part of the healing....i.e. telling our story to someone who is non-judgmental, accepting, and present. I understand that there is work to do in the process but telling our story is so important.

fae, your life is interesting. I have to admit I do not yet have a grasp on it...the businesses, the projects and more but I do see a lot of creativity is involved and it sounds like you have varied interests all over. YOu do sound very very busy.

Have a peace filled week and evening.

[feralfae]

Thank you Mary.

I am just a polymath, that's all. And I am trying to simplify my life, because I am still doing a lot of stuff that both of us started, and I must finish alone. Then things will be a bit less hectic. But I must finish.

I am hoping to work as little as possible this week, and be peaceful even then when I am able. Like you, I am feeling very scattered, upset, not sure all the reasons why, but we all certainly have enough reasons. I hope your week settles down, your eyes heal each day, and that you can avoid bright light as much as possible until your eyes adjust.

I can only imagine the second guessing, the feelings of being somehow "in the wrong" for not going to the wedding. Dear one, you are doing so very well to hold each day together there in your home right now. But I am happy you have a beautiful new outfit to wear when you are ready to go out and have a lovely time some day.

These are the days of healing and caring for Mary, Mary. I am very glad you are honoring that for yourself. Good job. *<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Mary, you should look back and see the good advice you gave to me when I was feeling I should do more and I wasn't well enough to do it. I usually heeded it (well mostly) but it was very hard indeed, and I hope you can take your own advice, and know you made the only decision that you could. You are not strong enough for such an ordeal, and you know it. I feel presumptuous in saying that because you are so much wiser than I, but I will anyway.

[mfh]

Jan, Thank you for the reminder. I do need to comment on what you said about me being wiser than you...though I am honored that you think that...in reality I am no wiser than you or anyone here...we all have our answers within us...we are all wise...you included.

I am reminded of the song: It's in every one of us. You are a wise woman, Jan...wise indeed.

[feralfae]

I woke this morning to the song "The Highwayman" playing in my head, the chorus part, and Doug was singing it. I think he was letting me know that even if I cannot see him, he is here with me all the time, and is not going anywhere.

I will be relieved when these morning tears become a heartache, and then perhaps a twinge. These morning crying times are tough on my outlook for the day, as I scramble back up the slope of sadness to a functioning level of awareness. I am sleeping in our bed most of the time, sometimes on the couch. I know it is all a part of the process, and that I must simply go on, each day, doing the best I am able. But today, I miss Doug so much. There are a lot of decisions to make this week about the foundation, other work, the house exterior, just so many things. I am trying to make a lot of decisions based on plans we had in place before Doug left.

And I have an issue I need to discuss, hoping there will be some feedback and insights here: Some of you may know we were packing to move full time to Alaska. My studio was packed, almost all the library, a lot of the china and other things we thought we would not need until we unpacked in our new home. In our storage unit is an entire 20-foot wall of packed cartons, eight feet high, plus another partial wall of all the cartons I packed before my last trip to Fairbanks. (I was also saving things from fire or theft, of course.) I have not been able to face even going in the unit. Now I know I am going to be here, mostly for all the PT, at least through the winter. I am still slightly concerned about the rascals robbing me again. Leave it all until spring, or just pay the fee, leave it all there for the winter, and maybe my balance will be better for making decisions by then. I see other people who have lost spouses moving on so well, dating, buying new homes, recovering from the loss very quickly. I am a bit impatient with myself to be functioning better than I am about so many things.

My usual source of good advice and assistance in sorting out my situations was Estelle, my darling mother-in-law, who passed away last July. Another HUGE loss. But, although I hate looking at the empty bookcases in the library, I am not emotionally ready to unpack: it is a final admission that all of our dreams are over. And while I may still move to Fairbanks, I know that the winters there are fierce, often -50F for days. And there is the darkness. I can keep this house, no problem. I could spend the winters here. I can get another place in Fairbanks, or build on a beautiful piece of land there. I can move to town here, and have a lot less maintenance and upkeep. I am not sure I am ready to make any of these decisions yet. I am feeling impatient with myself to hurry up and sort out my life and be able to move forward. I seem stuck.

But I do want to close the other office. We had already arranged, before Doug left, to have people work from home more, and we were going to close the offices in town and only schedule conferences in the conference complex in the building when we needed to meet with people. I can do that from the office here at home. So everyone at the office is sort of in limbo right now. This is all the foundation work, and some of our own work, but mostly the foundation stuff that is in the town office. They all hoped to be working from home by last summer, when we were scheduled to move.

I am realizing how very scattered I am. Too many things going on, too much running around, not enough quiet time to heal, and the first year, almost no time for myself at all, so busy was I with holding things together, trying to stop the robberies. So, although I am 19 months into this new life, much of the first year was swallowing my tears, holding my chin up, and carrying on to protect the foundation assets and our homes. Now, I feel more and more each day that I am just falling apart and so lost.

But I am not ready to unpack, nor am I ready to pack more things. This is a big house: two floors, 3 bedrooms, two baths, a library, large office, huge living room, dining room, big kitchen. It was a perfect house for two busy people. It feels way too big for one person. But I am not ready to move, and I can feel that in my bones. I am closing the other office soon, and I will be consolidating my work here in my home office, which will save $ in many ways, but also isolate me a bit more for the winter at least, although it will also mean I can heat more with wood because I will be home more. I can easily work from home. The rest of the staff is happy to scatter to their homes and meet here in the large office once a week or twice a month. They were all planning to work from home since we were moving to Alaska.

All that aside, and finances are not really a terribly big issue, I am wondering if it is a normal part of this journey to feel so stuck and unable to make big decisions. Just as I am not sure I am ready for a new client, with all the commitment that entails on my part, I am not at all ready to unpack, or pack more, or do much except just be right now. There are a lot of wounds healing from the rascals. Again, there is so much they did, truly nasty stuff, that deserves only to be tossed back on the dung heap they inhabit. (Snark)

See? Anger mixed with hesitation about making decisions. I have made some wrong decisions since Doug left, but not any major ones that I can see so far. I'd like to close the office in town by the end of this year, and that is not so far away. I'd like to have the exterior of the house done. More firewood stacked. I am mostly feeling overwhelmed by so much to do and so little time or energy. I hate this feeling of being so behind with my life and all the work that needs to be done on the house and for the house and for winter. I keep going and going, and yet, I feel things are slipping through the cracks. I need to clean the gutters. I need to get the windows winterized, now that they are cleaned. I am trying to carry on the work and efforts of two people when there is only one of me now. Sometime, I am going to need to admit that I cannot do so much, and begin to make some major changes in my life.

This is all nattering, and I know each of us had a lot on our plates to take care of. I am having trouble letting go of the anger, in accepting my overwhelming situation ( I imagine we all feel overwhelmed these first few years) and in even thinking about a new life for myself.

Through all this nattering above, I have sorted out that it is best to just leave things until I am more able to face the stored cartons. I can close the office, and schedule staff meetings here at the house for the next year. Then I will see where I am, and how things are going. I can hire a painter to finish the house sanding and staining if I want to do so. I can turn on the electric heat for the winter if I am too tired, weak, healing, or just want to not heat with wood.

I am feeling very lost today, and hope it will get better later on. It could be a very good day, after all.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[lilacsandladybugs]

Fae,

I think I know how you are feeling about the unpacking. I know it must be a concern about theft yet I hope you will be able to just take it one day at a time. Forcing ourselves to distribute things puts a great deal of stress on our bodies and our souls. I can't say I have learned how to deal with that issue but I have slowly over the last two years donated and gave away some of the things that were Kathy's

and things that were a part of both of us that I knew I would never use again. The first thing I did was donate a lot of her clothes because I knew it would help others and Hospice of the Valley here has a wonderfull thrift shop. I did of course keep a significant amount of her clothes that meant so much to me but making some space allowed me store more of the things she and I loved in Canada that would never have fit in my little home before. I look at my home as a part of her and me together so I like to see her pretty things and the quilts she made. I don't know if I ever will be able to clean out the sewing room because it is filled with things that she touched every day. I like to hold those in my hands sometimes if just because I feel a closeness to her in those moments.

When you speak of being relieved when those mornings as you awake become less tearfull, I just want to say hmmmmmmmm. First of all, they may be less frequent but there will still be days you wake with tears. It just is that way. It seems kind of funny because I listen to many things you write and how much you help others that I forget sometimes that you like all the rest of us, are suffering too.

Today you are lost. It happens. there will be days when you're not.

I hope peace for you today.

Stephen

[lilacsandladybugs]

Mary, What you said about your wedding rings really touched me. I am glad to know I am not the only one who feels that way.

My ring of course will remain on my finger untill I am blended with Kathy and our rings will be with us as well.

Yes dear lady.."together forever" you shall be.

Stephen

[enna]

“I have sorted out that it is best to just leave things until I am more able to face the stored cartons. I can close the office, and schedule staff meetings here at the house for the next year. Then I will see where I am, and how things are going. I can hire a painter to finish the house sanding and staining if I want to do so. I can turn on the electric heat for the winter if I am too tired, weak, healing, or just want to not heat with wood.”

My dear Fae, It seems to me that you have answered your own concerns after writing them down and going back over them. I think that is what we do when we are grieving. We think, plan, sort, and eventually come up with our own answers. There is NO hurry. Some decisions have to be made due to circumstances but if decisions do not have to be made then we ALL have time on our side.

In my opinion, you are right where you need to be. You are dealing with your feelings. You are not ‘stuffing’ them so you will only have to deal with them later.

Anger is fine. Your own actions are what make the anger not good or good. It’s like karma – what someone else does is their baggage not yours.

Being overwhelmed is part of our grieving, I think. Everything seems so BIG to us. Perspective can be scary. Nothing will last if we tell ourselves that this is only a pause in our lives.

We know how very important it is to leave any major decisions (if we can) until we are further along in our grief. We have a lifetime to make decisions. Right now we are learning how to just BE. It is hard, isn’t it? Easy for others to tell us but the reality is that we are impatient beings with our own agendas.

I am slowly learning that there really is no time limit to this grief journey. Whether it be your 19 months or my almost 16 months or someone else’s time – time is not the factor. What we do with it is the important factor. Those who know have told us this and we know this if we have read anything on this forum.

You are my ‘sister’ friend. I love and care for you as do I care for those here at our fire. Our Tribe has become a saving factor in my healing because of the proper guidance from those here. We will move at our own speed and learn to welcome the darkness, the thunderstorms, the tsunamis, and the breaks of sunshine. Anne

[mfh]

Fae, I just got home from the bank where I was discussing money...investment etc. (never fun) then to the pharmacy where I finally dropped off a huge bag of left over meds from Bill's journey through Alzheimer's. I did not know both would be difficult. Leaving his meds there was a good-bye at some strange level. Discussing the investment of what is left of his life insurance money felt the same....awful.

On the head of the space I am in right now, I want to re-read your post and respond to it later when my own head and heart are a bit more present to yours. In the meantime, you sound a lot of me in terms of wanting to push the river...move faster through grief and loss. I think I have learned to be in it...let it flow as it will. And I think the same might be true of your anger. I find the best way to get through pain (not around it or shoving it down) is to be in it, to sit in it...I know you have done a lot of that already but it seems from what I hear you saying...you are not through with that yet and making decisions about selling, moving, etc. may not be appropriate until you can say...I AM ready. What i hear you saying is...I am NOT ready. (NOT THIS doubt: "But I am not ready to move, and I can feel that in my bones." But THIS certainty: "But I do want to close the other office.") When you KNOW you are ready...you are ready and for the time being you know you are not ready to do anything or make any more decisions...so it might be time to "BE". But more on this after I meditate a while and regain my own center.

I will be back

Mary

[feralfae]

Thank you all, I am only on lunch break, but will read and respond this evening.

Much Love and thank you

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

There was a lot to read here, I'm on my break, seems you've already responded to each other. I'm having a really tough day, can't talk about all of it now, but it's hard. Sometimes I just wonder why life has to be so complicated.

Mary,

I'm glad you're giving yourself the self care you would encourage in each of us.

fae,

I have read what you've written, I know you have a lot to sort out but I believe you will.

Jan, Anne, and Stephen, you are lending beautiful support here!

[enna]

"Today I chopped enough kindling for four months (I need six or seven), and my carpal tunnel told me I HAD to stop, so I did...I perhaps should have stopped sooner because it's killing me now, as is my elbow that I broke a couple of years ago. Am not sure what that's about." KAY

My dear Kay, I am so sorry that you have to do this difficult work of chopping wood and that you are hurting.

I looked all over for this post because I wanted to share something with you. These people come highly recommended even though I do not chop my own wood!! They are available to you to finish your project. Enjoy.

[kayc]

Cute. But I already finished it Saturday. I do what I can, hire what I can't and what I can't afford, waits.

[mfh]

Mary, What you said about your wedding rings really touched me. I am glad to know I am not the only one who feels that way.

My ring of course will remain on my finger untill I am blended with Kathy and our rings will be with us as well.

Yes dear lady.."together forever" you shall be.

Stephen

Thank you, Stephen. I also have the ashes from our first dog and will bury them in Bill's grave soon and hopefully Bentley's will, someday in the far future, be buried there also....we will all be together forever.

[mfh]

fae, I am going to respond now as fully as I can to your nattering. But first, I had the strangest thing happen today. I was thinking about driving to Chicago on Saturday a.m. for my eyes and made the hotel reservation. Then I thought, "I need to let Bill know where we are staying and the deal I got. He will be so grateful that we have a nice place to stay on this trip." It was as real as any thought I ever have had. I knew I needed to get in touch...so he knew the plan. And then like a bolt of lightening...it hit...Bill is gone, Mary. And with that, the tears, of course. It is going on 3 1/2 years since Bill died, and here today, it hits me again like it was brand new information. I share that because you were talking about waking without tears someday. I do not think that day will come. I do think the tears will be less often someday. We WILL go on missing our beloveds until the day we die...but we also will begin to fill our lives with whatever lies ahead and carrying the grief will start to feel like a part of us that we embrace and accept.

As for leaving stuff where it is until spring...why not? You cannot bear to go into the unit. I can not say to you with strong enough words...that being where you are, honoring it no matter how slow the journey, embracing yourself without judgment but with acceptance of what you feel right now...is in my humble opinion...the only way to the next step. When we see people dating, moving on (I hate that phrase), seemingly recovering from loss very quickly we cannot judge that. All grief is as unique as the relationships and the people. We do not know if that person is running away from grief, has little grief because there was not much to grieve, or about a million other possibilities. What you do know is how YOU feel today. How you loved so deeply. How you are grieving so deeply. Because you are seeming to be longer to heal than others has no meaning. It takes as long as it takes. I know you know this.

I am working my way through your nattering and I want to say I am sorry you also lost a mother figure in Estelle. That whole paragraph is filled with reasons to stay put and decide later where you want to be. 50 below, darkness may not be what you need right now. Being impatient to hurry up and sort out your life is just slowing down the process...I do not see you stuck. Your recent posts, to me, are filled with insights, grieving, growth...I do not see you stuck. I see you being right where you are...and that is where you need to be.

You might be so scattered for a lot of reasons. Your life was just turned topsy-turvy. Yes, JUST turned. It has been only months since you lost so much. You are also very very busy with so many businesses, projects, people, and more...that is enough to scatter any human being let alone one whose life was just turned inside out. I do not know how you could be anything other than scattered. Why not give yourself a week to just be. Do not have any goals, projects, or plans. Just get up and be...follow your heart, desires, feelings. Fritter away time, diddle about. Watch a bird fly, a flower grow. Just be...

I believe it is normal to be what you call stuck and unable to make decisions. You are a busy person. Your life has many facets...like a diamond yes but still many. Not making headway on all of them as you once did would feel like you are stuck. I have made some crappy decisions also since Bill died. I flounder about trying this and testing that...only to toss it aside and try something else. All in search of a new normal.

Hand on heart...I love you, sweetheart. You are loveable. You are right where you need to be. See if you can burst the balloons of pressure and just relax...

I don't mean to sound preachy and if I read this over I might be tempted to delete it because it sounds preachy. I am just sharing with you the path I have walked, lessons I have learned....hoping they help.

Peace to your heart, fae. You are an incredible person. Doug was lucky, blessed and I know he knew it.

Mary with love to you.

I have decided my eyes are strained and bothersome no matter what I do. I know I over do the use of the computer but emotionally it feels good during this week of vulnerability. Resting my eyes now will help them to feel like they are not being pulled out of my scull.

[feralfae]

Dearest Mary,

I reading what you wrote and now I am crying. You are wonderfully kind and understanding, and your compassionate heart shines through your words. I know I am impatient. It is my biggest flaw. I know I am going through a lot, and yes, every day something else triggers more crying, many times. So many things seem to be piling up on me, and yes, the PT is painful and takes a lot of my time each day. I do feel overwhelmed and certainly that I am not keeping up. Then I read Kay's post, about doing what she can, hiring what she can, and letting the rest wait. I am going to adopt that as much as I can.

I am feeling inadequate to my life right now. I am doing my best to clear the week of the 15th - 21st so I can have a retreat. It also means I am doing more right now to make time to take off.

But I did talk to one of Dad and Estelle's friends today, and we had a very good visit, and it helped to feel connected to them again for a while. I do feel terribly alone. Mostly because I feel I "should" (OH! dread word!) be more responsible, more able to do more things, to make decisions, to handle things better.

I took a couple of phone calls today. The first was lovely and a very kind man needing help with some mathematical things that are not that tough, and I can probably do the work without brain burn in the next three years, which is his timeline. The second call was with a jerk, who wanted me to move him to the top of my client list. He was very pushy, and he will not be a client and if his project needs my level of expertise (more math) he can hire one of the people I recommended to him. I got a bad vibe from him. I also asked him to send his CV (as a part of my vetting process for clients), and he sent a little half page that is a brag bio. But I did not enjoy talking with him.

Everyone is going to help figure out which files at the office need to go where. I tried to keep it as positive as I know Doug would have done, and make it an adventure, but we also talked about how much we all miss Doug, and how this is a planned move, just delayed a couple of years. Everyone is fine with it, but want to come out to the house for meetings at least once a week, which is a nice, gentle transition, and by year end, we can move to maybe a couple times a month. I want to make sure we have no glitches as we make this change, files in the right places, server connections secure.

I can leave things in storage. I just feel guilty spending money to indulge my emotional state when I could be helping some child with school or some better use for the funds. Part of me feels as though I should be doing better, and I know comparisons are not helpful, but I look at friends, one getting ready to marry again, one having lots of fun dating, another moving to Sweden. I do feel very, very stuck, because all I really want is to feel Doug here in the house again, and to hear his steps when he walks over to hug and kiss me. I am just missing him a lot these days.

Closing the office is probably part of that, I know. And leaving things in storage until I am further past these recent changes is good, really, good for me. It is just costing enough to feed several children each month. But things are safe, at least.

I am just not the same person without Doug. I know you are all smiling as you read this, for who among us is at all the same after our Beloved has left? I had no idea anything could be this hard, this long, this painful, this deep. I feel so entirely unprepared for each day, and my emotional compass is spinning right now. I think finally putting the rascals on notice PUBLICLY and getting them out of my life is letting me feel safe to open the emotional floodgates, and here comes all this deep sadness, loss, and brokenness, welling up and spilling out as these flash floods of tears. I am not feeling that I need to defend anything any longer, and that opening works two ways, because the anger and hurt are most certainly coming out while some peace and acceptance are going in.

I am sitting here with my hand on my heart, and for a while, I could feel the compassion. Thank you for the reminder.

Okay, I have nattered far too long for Mary's eyes. Thank you Anne and Stephen, Kay and Marty, everyone. I am going to go have dinner and unwind from a long day.

I guess I am just in this slump for a while.

Things will get better. Look, Benji is home, and that is a very good thing to get better.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Dear Fae,

Reading your post makes me wish there was a way to come right through the computer and really give you one of those long hugs our Mary talks about. I hear your pain. You are doing fine. You are right where you are and that is just fine. We will have highs and lows. My high right now is that Benji seems to be doing okay. No seizures sense we changed his Pb.

I marvel at how you are able to write your thoughts down. I struggle with it. There is so much more in my heart but the words do not always come out.

Today I received a call from the technology department at ASU asking if I’d be up to doing another assist for an online class for their Education Majors. I have to think about it because it is very intense and some students need more attention than others. The class would be in the spring. I don’t know what I’ll be doing in the winter let alone in the spring!

A few family members have asked if I really think I can care for an animal that needs special attention! They do not think my health will allow it! Just what do they think I’m going to do – give Benji back!! This breaks my heart just thinking about it. I know I have to do what’s best for Benji but return him!! I don’t think so.

We are a compassionate bunch here around our fire. I am grateful for all here, also. Remember, dear Fae, we cannot compare ourselves to anyone else. We are unique and that is what makes each one of us so special. Anne

[kayc]

So many of you so vulnerable right now, please take care of yourselves!

[kayc]

Anne, we posted at the same time...

I get the same thing from my sister, only she tells me Arlie was the worst thing for me and he's going to bankrupt me, etc. etc. I tell her no, Arlie is the best thing I ever did and John already ruined me financially, but Arlie keeps me going and makes me smile. I told her she has her husband, does she mind if I have my dog? I mean, really, it annoys me that they think they know better than us what is best for us. We already have our pets, we sure as heck aren't getting rid of them! Good gosh!

[feralfae]

Loyalty is one of the most beautiful expressions of love. And it is often seen at its best between human and canine. Have you heard of Greyfriars Bobby? Bobby was a Skye terrier, so loyal to his master, that he guarded his grave for more than a dozen years. (Grave robbers were a problem in Edinburgh at the time, with humans deeply interested in anatomy, and not enough duels to keep the medical students in cadavers.) I think the grave is near Fountain Bridge, Edinburgh. Anyway, there is a lovely little statue there.

I think when we have an animal friend, the loyalty flows both ways. Anne, Kay, Mary, everyone with fur or feather or fin friends, good for you. I salute your loyalty.

*<twinkles>*

fae

(no colour coding: I am lazy tonight)

[feralfae]

Anne,

Thank you for the wonderful hugs. I am feeling them. I almost went out to get myself potato chips ( my nemesis) but remembered in time that I have two tablespoons of chocolate drops to savor. Chocolate will help.

I know this is all a process, and that I am at least in the flow. Darned if I am not so competitive that I want to win the race. Except there is no race, and I am learning it is better to go at a steady pace through all the hazards and tough spots, and so I am learning to adjust my game with extra doses of compassion and meditation, as well as reflection and now, heart-holding (thank you again Mary).

I feel totally inadequate with words. I feel especially unable to convey the chaos of my emotional states that shift with abruptness and acuteness. So far, though, I have not lost my Path, I think. Tough, very tough.

Thank you, and Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae