Transformations On This Path

[kayc]

"Like"

[enna]

"This morning I was thinking about it, and I realized there isn't an instant fix for this, that I must go through a healing process and it will take time." from Kay

And we will be right here with you, dear Kay.

My dear Fae, I hope your day was not too long and that you will be able to rest over the weekend. Sewing is very relaxing. When my daughter was young I took a sabatical from teaching (until she was in fifth grade) to raise her and did quite abit of sewing. I found it relaxing and fun. Canopy covers for her princess bed, seasonal outfits that made her look just so cute, new doll clothes for her many dolls, and even a football outfit when she was preschool age because she was a tomboy!

My gram taught me how to embroidry and every once in awhile I get the urge to start something. I still like doing things with my hands. I think that is why I enjoy my art therapy - I am still working on my own mandala.

[feralfae]

Wow, all you creative people! All I did today was play with numbers. Well, not all, but mostly.

Kay, thank you for the Like. We are going to be with you through this healing. This is your time to shed old skins and explore new paradigms. It's your life, you get to dream it. *<twinkles>* So, okay, we don't get to dream for another, but we can dream for ourselves. I know Doug had to escape. I did not know until after he left how much he really needed to escape. Wow. I am slowly accepting that.

Anne, sometimes I have long work/play days. But tomorrow, I am hoping to do some touch-up staining, maybe haul a load or two of firewood, and Move my Body in my Boots and get some time out in this beautiful autumn weather. I am in a mood to play all weekend, even at meeting. This evening, as the sun was setting, I slipped on my LLB down vest and my matching wool scarf from Paris (fashion statement of some sort, I am sure) and clunked around outside this evening, noticing that the bench under the wise tree needs to be stained. I am adding that task to the list.

Anne, I am looking forward to seeing your mandala if you decide to share it. I learned embroidery as a girl, too. All those stitches and knots and things. Then I discovered petit point and needlepoint and loved doing something so simple and really, mindless. I take my first Bernina class Monday night, and then again the next Monday night. I am so looking forward to learning how to use this machine. Then, let the games begin! I am going to have fun this winter, with firewood, my studio, my new sewing computer (I know it will require more thought, but it still has a needle that goes up and down, so it is still a machine, IMHO.) (I am studying geek speak for the internet).

I am going to be outside this weekend, justifying my forays into the forest in the name of firewood and flicker inventory. One of the elders of the flickers has been coming to tap on the window each day the last few days, because the temperatures have fallen below freezing, and I have not yet taken on the tasks of the suet G*d, who used to feed suet to them from his fingers. I will use the suet log he made. Another excuse to get outside, to set up the suet feeders.

It is heavenly here. Today was about 50F, tonight about 30F, and actually, about the same as Fairbanks, except that they are sunny and we are cloudy. Our temperatures diverge as Winter and darkness deepen, Fairbanks taking the steeper slope, of course. (Yes, I have been fiddling with graphs today, of some moving averages for some sets of progressive numbers, plotted over time. Most fun stuff.) My fairy lights are on, and there is a gentle breeze, barely swaying the tree with the twinkling lights. I had a perfect dinner, all alone, looking out at our view.

Most of my work is not work: I make mudpies, dig in the sandboxes of archaeology, and play with number puzzles. I meddle in people's lives, pretending it is for their own good, when my entire grasp of the issue and culture may be warped by something my great grandmother might have said about Little Big Horn and the evils of wasichu. Anthropologists are seldom expressing enlightened vision, Campbell being one delightful exception to that rule, except that he lived and worked in a largely partriarchal paradigm, so thank goodness he taught at a women's college. I think it informed his views considerably. nattering.

It has been a long day. A very good day of numbers and some words. That is not work: that is play. I am most amazed that anyone pays me for having so much fun. Of course, there is some administrative stuff that goes along with it, but we pretty much run as a benign monarchy, heavily laced with creative anarchy of the individual responsibility and governance variety, all saluting the individual human rights common to all of humankind, as I once wrote about our Foundation Tribe. And everyone is getting more independent and more creative and effective, so I am loving how things are going these days, and I am not crying anymore at the office, looking at Doug's stuff across the room.

Tomorrow, I also hope to experiment with Julia Child's Moussaline Chocolat, the one made with egg whites rather than whipping cream. Dairy free. This is an experiment. (That means we get to eat the failure. I think Karen and Jason will be here tomorrow to assist with the experiment.) I will use Callebaut chocolate for this one, so we will see how it all goes with this recipe.

And the cleaning crew came and polished the house, so now everything is shiny and lovely, and I have nothing to dust this weekend, so I can go out and play.

How I hope you each have one lovely thing planned for this weekend that will make you smile with pleasure at Life. Mine, of course involves chocolate, firewood, and birds. And a little wine, for dinners. Well, we will see how it all goes as the sun returns in the morning, filling the forest with birdsong. The larger birds are migrating through now. But the flickers will stay all winter if I put out their suet, so I must begin suet this weekend.

nattering.

Okay, off to clean the kitchen, stoke the fire on the lower level, and close up the house for the night.

I wish everyone wonderful, restful slumber. I am going to use Belleruth's lovely, sanctuary sleep meditation tonight as I fall asleep. The ones where guardians are all around me. I can just see those Angels with silvery wings and fiery swords. But they are loving. I highly recommend Belleruth as an alternative to not sleeping.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Nothing like being confined to bed by a cold to set off some interesting dreams which are leading to some great epiphanies about me and also about Doug, from our childhoods.

Inaction, it seems, can be a door into new epiphanies, and I will share more on this later when I get it all sorted out fairly well. Now it is time to go back to sleep. I am drinking lots of apple cinnamon tea with honey, and also lemon juice with honey. Just pouring in the warm drinks between snoozes. Mostly just sleeping. I think I will eat a couple scrambled eggs on toast for some protein and as my dinner, too.

I miss chatting with all of you on this lovely Saturday, and hope to be back to nattering here soon. All of you stay well.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

It's kind of quiet here today.

I hemmed my new pajama bottoms and took up my new robe sleeves...one of the hazards of being so short. Nice to have it done and ready for cold weather!

Hope it's a speedy recovery, fae. I was going to ask if your cards came but Ithink you have a PO Box so that answers my question.

[feralfae]

Hi Kay,

Yes, I probably will not make it to the PO until I feel better. It is all the way in town, which is about 18 miles away, one way.

I am up to stoke the fires, and here you are.

I am so glad you had a quite day. New PJs are so lovely to have. Good for you.

Kay, has this ever happened to you here at HOV? ... I was thinking about Leo and Shannon today, and the pain in their lives, and I just started crying for poor Shannon and her SIL Mary, because they both seem to be such wonderful and caring people. I am just sorry Shannon is gone, and I hope we were a bit of comfort to her. She is a dear soul. I had no idea I had been grieving for her until a card, on my desk, from the Holter Art Museum triggered a whole series of memories, and of sharing those memories with Shannon, about her Holter device. I sometimes wonder if I am loving enough to people.

Right now, though, I am processing a lot of information and memories about being loving to myself. Doug and I both grew up with indifferent mothers, to say the least. I am discovering that some of my feelings of not being lovable right now roughly translate to knowing that no one will ever again love me the way Doug did, and I know he felt the same way about how much I loved him. I am in the process of accepting that as a fact of this new life. I was standing in the kitchen making tea, when it suddenly hit me — almost a physical blow — that there is no one in my life to make tea for me when I am ill. They are all too far away. I will be so happy and less lonely when SSK gets here from AK next week, and my only concern is that I have this client file to finish, and no energy to even look at it this weekend.

Nattering

Anyway, I had no idea I was carrying this sadness for dear Shannon. I am not sure we have talked about that at all here, it was so very sudden, or so it seemed. She was here, then Leo was gone, then she was gone, poof. I hope she knew how much we all cared about her and loved her.

Just darn.

fae

[enna]

It sounds funny to hear my forum friends talking about the cold and winter while I bask in the AZ sun. Cold days and nights will come here in the valley later. When Jim and I first came out here the cold mountain nights really penetrated our bones. I'm glad warm and fuzzy clothing is being talked about. I love wrapping myself in a blanket and watching the embers crackle in the fireplace - Mine is an electric fireplace so I do not have to chop and carry wood but with the lights down and the fire going one would never know it was not a real fire.

Fae, I am hoping that your cold goes away soon. It sounds like you are taking care of it by drinking good teas and sleeping. Our bodies really do need sleep when we are not feeling well.

Oh Kay, my cards arrived today. I didn't check my mailbox until tonight. Your creativity is priceless. I love the assortment you selected for me. Thank you. I shall e-mail you about an idea I have. . .

I am glad you mentioned something about the death of our Shannon. Her death hit me very hard. As you said, several of us got to know her as a person. Many of the people here are like family and her death touched me deeply. Funny, we have not even met our online friends but I have come to love so many of you. Now, Shannon's Mary is going through her grieving. I so wish there was more we could do except let her know that we are here for her. I've never experienced the emotion of getting so close to those whom I've never met! I have not read anything about this kind of grieving either!

Peace to everyone here tonight. Notre Dame is winning ASU in the 3rd Q down in TX and the Wolverines beat the Golden Gophers big time today! I love Fall and football. Anne

[Mary1063]

Oh dear Fae and Anne... Bless you for loving Shannon. I know by reading her posts and by her telling me when she was able how much she cared for all of you here.

It deeply saddens me that I cannot do anything for your kind hearts because I know there is that loss for you as well.

I think that is why it is so hard for me to be here much, because I feel helpless. If I am making any sense.

Fae, Shannon spoke of your "twinkles" a few times. Please know her spirit twinkles for all of you here.

I am so grateful that she had all of you here when she needed you.

Hugs love and comfort to you all.

Tears are being shed here too. I vote for a group hug...

[enna]

My dear Mary, please never feel 'helpless' when you come to this healing place. We are all on a journey and when we go through it together I'm convinced we will all heal. Our loved ones are seeing what is in our hearts and i just know they are all smiling. I find such comfort in knowing that they are not suffering anymore.

I agree with your group hug idea - love you. Anne

Norte Dame just won tonight. Jim would be dancing on the patio. He was a huge fan and attended many games at Norte Dame even though he was a De Paul alumni.

[kayc]

Congratulations on Notre Dame!

Yes, fae, I have been feeling it for Shannon too, I had no idea how much until I wrote Shannon instead of Mary in my post a while back...she had been uppermost in my thoughts. I've belonged to other forums, but there is none quite like this...the people here, I get close to.

I'm exhausted. I drove 100 mile round trip to clean out my office today after church. I feel wiped out.

[feralfae]

Hello Tribe,

I would write and send lots of love for all the notes here and for the loving PMs. Thank you all so much.

Today, I realized that I have felt guilty for crying, that felt that this is crying was something I must get past, and I must go back to being stoic for Doug the way I tried to stay positive and happy and hopeful for so long, even with the prognosis. I am not just crying for Doug leaving, but for all the time of fear and hope, of failure and little triumphs.

I am crying out more than 4 years of stress and upset, and finally feeling able to honor my own grief, after holding together even while some of Doug's friends reviled me as the liar bimbo. I watched the sociopaths toss evil before them, infecting our Tribe in Fairbanks as well as everything else. Tomorrow is the 20th month anniversary of Doug leaving. See how I put these things off, and this time, here I am with a cold? Obviously, there is still more toxins coming out. I need to quit opening emails from some of Doug's friends, the ones now writing with excuses for not speaking to me at the memorial service. I will begin to make amends with them, to put some things back together, but not yet, not now. I am not ready to be compassionate and caring, kind and understanding with them quite yet. It is still hurting a bit. I want this to all be out of me, please G*d. Thank You very much.

And now I am grabbing a mug of tea, and heading back to bed.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Kay, I am glad you have your things and can Close the Door!!! Woo Hoo!!!

fae

[feralfae]

Go Irish.

fae

[enna]

Oh my dear Kay, you should be tired after all that driving but I for one am so glad that this chapter of your life is almost over - once you receive the money you have earned then it will be over! Suggestion - send your boss a certified letter telling him that you want your back pay now and compensation for dropping you without a two week notice or this will go to small claims court. I think Judge Judy would be able to settle this in your favor. It is your right and money you earned - he has no right to keep it from you. I am so sorry that this is happening to you but I am also glad that you have almost ended the abuse you have endured for so long. Now, you know that this is only my suggestion and I know you will do what is right for you - but please, Kay, put the gloves on and give him an upper cut from all of us. I really am not a violent person. . .

Fae, focus on getting rid of the toxins from the cold and know we are all sitting right here at our fire holding you. I ate an extra piece of fudge just for you.

[feralfae]

Fudge? Aw, shucks, Anne, you shouldn't'ave.

I am not really here, actually. My head is very stuffy and I am on my way to get the humidifier to put next to my bed.

Adventures in viriland.

Yuck!
*<twinkles>*

fae

[Mary1063]

Hoping you get to feeling better Fae. Vicks always works great for me with colds and congestion. And my grandsons. They hate it and I hate it but it works.

Hugs

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Oh. MY. Goodness. Thank you for the reminder. Vicks.

I had forgotten about Vicks, which my Gram used on me as a child. I have not had any Vicks around in ages. If I get to the drugstore today or tomorrow, I will get some to have it on hand.

I hope you are doing all right. I can only imagine how terribly painful and difficult this time must be for you, dear heart. I know you have loving family there, and I am glad that you know that you have all of us here holding in you in love as well. Peace to your heart today, and please remember to go gently with yourself through these days.

Blessings and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Mary, I see you are also up. I am here in bed, laptop in my lap, hoping to get back to sleep as soon as this coughing is over for a while. I hope your plans also include getting back to sleep soon. We need our rest.

Anne, the fairy dust has not yet landed, so I am still in the coughing, sneezing, itchy eye phase, but feeling better.

Now, I hope to get back to sleep.

For us both, Mary, you go to sleep as well.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I fell asleep at 7:30 last night, I could not keep my eyes open. I awoke at 10 and 1:30 but went back to sleep,not getting up until 4:30. I was truly emotionally spent.

fae, I understand your pain, and am glad you will take your time before dealing with the relationships...you need time to heal YOU. As for the "bimbo" statement, that is laughable! I've never met anyone any further from being a bimbo. Those people are truly toxic.

I hope you are getting plenty of sleep.

[feralfae]

We all need some healing time.

I am up just long enough to cancel today's and tomorrow's appointments, except of course SSK gets here tomorrow. I cancelled a 4-hour conference for tomorrow, though, and also two other appointments for today.

Mary, I am going to do my best to NOT emulate your illnesses. It is a lot more difficult than I thought to be ill when there is so much to do, but I want to be completely well soon, so I am going to sleep and rest today, and pray for healing. If I am not better by tomorrow, I will go to the doc and find out if I have pneumonia, because my breathing is a bit labored lately.

Back to bed now for me.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

I was shocked when I finally went to the doc and he listened to my lungs and said pneumonia. I thought I just had a bad cold and cough but breathing was the key for me...a bit labored. They should x-ray your lungs so he can show you the pneumonia if you have it. If you do...rest is critical. You can not take chances even after you begin to feel better because you re-lapse...trust me on this. It is a 6-8 weeks journey and leaves you weak and limp. It creeps up on you and fools you so do not fool around if you think you have it. WE are no spring chickens anymore and these things can turn serious.

[feralfae]

Thank you Dear Bill's Mary,

I am truly resting, more from no energy than any strong sense of being ill, although that certainly is contributing. I am having trouble breathing when I am prone but do better when sitting up. I think the fever is gone, though. I know that does not mean I do not have anything more to think about with the lungs, but I want to see if this is a bronchial cough and it it is better by tomorrow.

I sure do not have time to be sick for many more days, but yes, you are right, we are not 25 any more, and things are going to take more time to heal, and we do need to pay attention. I have already started thinking about how I can survive on TIAA Cref and other retirement if I stop working for a couple of months. I have savings, of course, but that was supposed to be for emergencies. Well, I guess if things do not get better, this may be an emergency.

I think the stress of all that has happened the last couple of months is finally catching up with me, is all. I think I will get better soon. I am very surprised how well Kay is handling her stress, actually. I do not seem to have the resiliency I had even three or four years ago when I was taking care of Doug full time.

But, yes, I will certainly watch what is going on. So far, no signs of infection: clear phlegm and no violent bouts of coughing. When I fell about 15 years ago and broke both arms and all, I had a bad lung infection -- doc said one step away from pneumonia -- and I separated a rib from coughing so violently. Noting like that is going on now. Just seems a bit hard to take deep breaths.

We will see what tomorrow brings. I have stoked the fires and now I am going back to sleep.

Fae

[kayc]

Mary, are you over your pneumonia? I didn't realize you had it! fae, do keep a close eye on yourself, any coughing, wheezing, get it checked out. I had pneumonia once when my kids were small and I remember all too well how it felt...I didn't care if I lived or died, everything was way too much effort!

[mfh]

Thank you, Kay. No, I was referring to the pneumonia I had last January and in 2011. I am fine. I just took Bentley for a much needed long walk on a lovely sunny fall day. The colors are becoming brilliant. My maple is in its purple stage. Bumped into a couple of friends and just enjoyed the cool air. Made plans with one of them to go to the orchard on Wednesday, a place Bill and I went every year and I have continued the tradition. We get a LOT of apples and they last a long time because of how I seal the plastic bags once I get them home. I might freeze some or make apple sauce also. No pies...

I am sure you are enjoying this respite post-job with awful boss.

Mary

[feralfae]

Amen to the respite for Kay from the boss from H*** .

If I treated anyone who who works with my like that, they'd stomp out the door after throwing something at me. But Kay, I know you stayed out of hope and also loyalty to him. You have a wonderful heart. Now is the time to turn all your efforts to taking care of you and your heart.

I am hoping to get to town tomorrow, one way or another, and look forward to finding your beautiful cards in my post office box.

It is incredibly beautiful and warm (70F) here today, and I want to be outside, but I know I am not ready to venture very far yet. I am doing well to make it up and down the stairs right now.

Everyone, take care, take it easy, and be well.

*<twinkles>*

fae