Conditioned To Catastrophe?

[feralfae]

Thank you Mary.

fae

[kolea52]

This is my first time on any forum. Your post spoke to me.

When my husband was diagnosed with lung/brain cancer my world wobbled. Whan he died 2 mo. later the Universe shifted and I don't expect it ever return to the way it was. I can't un-know what I now know. Some of what I know is positive. I am much stronger than I ever imagined. I can let people help and even, on occasion, ask for help. The most amazing thing I learned was that people want to give and give of themselves.

I don't think I began looking for catstrophe but it certainly seems to be following me. I'm not looking but am no longer surprised when I see how out of control my life is. How little power I have over anything.

One month after my husband's dx my doctor called and told me there were cancer cells in my urine. Four days later our cat was hit by a car and died in my arms. A month after husbands death (Dec. 26, 2012) my brother died of the same illness.

I feel beaten down and resigned to whatever is going to happen next. My bladder cancer will respond to BCG or I'll be wearing a bag outside of my body. Some other terrible thing will happen or it won't. It's hard to believe this is my life.

I am participating in life, working with Hospice, seeing my regular therapist, about to join a cancer support group and have an incredible support system of women. I haven't given up exactly. I am looking forward to the next shift you mentioned. It is still early and I'm not pushing myself - just putting one foor in front of the other.

Thanks for letting me share. I may get shy and not be so vocal but I'm glad you are out there. Aloha

[feralfae]

Aloha Kolea52,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss of your dear husband. It is very early for you, and I imagine you are still numb. I am so sorry that your losses have been continuing. Facing our own health problems is enough without all that you have had to endure. I am especially sorry that your husband is not there to be with you through your own treatments. And to lose your brother so soon after losing your husband must feel overwhelming to you. The loss of your beloved cat had to have been another terrible blow as well.

I don't know how you could feel any other way than beaten down. You have had multiple, tragic losses in a very short period of time, punctuated by your own diagnosis. I am glad to hear that you have found helping and caring people for support and assistance. Good for you. I am glad you have Hospice, as my hospice counselors have been solid support through this entire 14 months since I lost my husband Doug.

The cancer support group and your support system of women will be so helpful. We had a good cancer support group here as well. It is very early for you, and if you have the same experience as many of us have had, the numbness and disbelief are still parts of your landscape each day. Please know that the days will get easier with time.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Please do join us here. There are many loving, caring and compassionate people here, and we have Marty, who monitors, mentors, consoles, and counsels us with excellent advice, helpful articles, and a most compassionate heart. Actually, everyone here whom I have met has a wonderfully compassionate heart, and we are all on this journey of loss, grief, and finding our way together, but each on our own unique path.

I am glad you found this place. Life will get easier, and we will be here to support, share, and encourage you each day, and to walk with you. I can only imagine the incredible pain in your heart, and I know that you are going through the shadows of grief, loss, and figuring out how to go on.

We are all here to share the days, support you, and hold you in our hearts. No one here will judge or lecture you, and everyone will lovingly support your journey. Welcome.

Blessings, and thank you for stepping out of your shyness and posting here. We all learn from the sharing and come to welcome the comfort of the loving concern everyone offers.

I hope you find moments of peace and stability through these turbulent times. We open our hearts to your pain, and I know everyone supports your journey.

*<winkles>*

fae

[kayc]

kolea52,

Pleased to meet you, although I wish it were under different circumstances. I'm so sorry you lost your husband, and your brother, and your cat. I'm also sorry to learn you're having to battle cancer. That word in itself is enough to scare anyone, but there's no room for fear when you're fighting a battle, and they have come so far in stomping cancer, I hope you can remain upbeat and continue the fight, we love nothing more that to see someone conquer what they're going through!

My life was great up until seven years, ten & 1/2 months ago when I lost my husband. Actually, things started happening the month before he died. I got several pieces of bad right before he died, and then after he passed I lost my job. A few months later I landed a new one but they're struggling and are always behind paying us, and then I was laid off for a year and took a couple of falls right afterwards that weren't good. I lost several cats and a dog and a husband (I remarried, long story) and nearly lost two sisters and then my mom got Dementia and it took us a year to take her to court to get her evaluated and placed into a Dementia Care Facility...she's way beyond being able to care for at home, they said she needs in a lock down facility.

I, like you, don't look for bad, but after a while you come to brace yourself as you get used to the hits. I wish I could envision a rosy life out there somewhere but I don't see it. I aim for something smaller...like survival.

All I know to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I, like you, have learned so much, much of it through life experience, much of it right here on this forum. One thing I've learned that has greatly helped me is to try and stay in the present. At 3:00 am when I can't sleep, that's hard to do because I can "worry around the world" but it helps rein in my anxiety to stay in the present and not "borrow trouble". Spending time with my dog also helps bring things into balance. The best thing I ever did was get him, he's the joy of my life.

I hope you will continue to come here and share. There's nearly always someone around and this is a very safe place to be...the best forum I've ever run across. I guess that's why they can't get rid of me even after nearly eight years, LOL. We all share along our journey and help one another, this place is very supportive.

[mfh]

Dear kolea52

It hardly seems appropriate to welcome someone to a grief group but I know that all of us want you to feel welcome and included. You can see from the posts that many, not all, of us have been on this forum for a while and we get to know and care about each other. You are now one of us as you walk this sad and painful path that life has put before you. You have had so much loss and so close together...I can only reach out to you and let you know that you will make it. Believe me, people said that to me, early on and I did not believe them for one second but somehow we do make it...and this place has been for me a major piece of my journey. When family could not comprehend or respond to me as I needed, this group was there with lots of understanding and no judgment.

I won't repeat all that has been said. I have not been around much as this week was the 3rd anniversary of my husband's death and I just needed to sit back a bit. But I will say this, strongly, do take care of you and do give serious thought to hanging out with us...you can only benefit. This group is made up of people of all ages by the way- I am approaching 73 and others are much younger or somewhat younger. It is filled with great people and a great moderator. Again, I am so sorry for all of your losses....and by the way..you are with people who are pet lovers and take pet loss very seriously including our moderator, Marty. You are in good company here...safe and caring.

A moment, just a moment of peace today,

Mary

[kolea52]

Thank you Mary, KayC and Fae.

I feel welcomed. That's not really true - I don't feel much. Thank you for greeting me.

You each have stories that previously would have made me wonder how you could still be functioning. But now I know how; you just do the next right thing.

My challenge today is to get out of this chair and out of this house. Isolating is dangerous for me so I made a promise (to me) to get out and in the car and go somewhere everyday. I always feel better when I get involved in others' lives. Appointments in my day planner have saved my life by giving the illusion of purpose. There is nothing in it today so I have to make something up, even if it is a trip to the post office. Which, now that I think about it, I actually need to do.

Here's something for those of you who may not know the Hawaiian culture: people give money in sympathy cards at the Celebration of Life. Because of my cancer Steve's memorial was delayed until March so I'm still writing thank you notes. It is awkward to thank people for money. It is not unusual to have that much time pass before the service. It was nice to not be in the first days of mourning and anxiety. Usually it is followed by scattering the ashes from an outrigger canoe but I haven't done that yet. I had the ashes divided and will have a service with his family in MO in July.

Thanks again. I now know what my purpose for today is.

Beth

[kayc]

kolea,

Your cat is beautiful! I've never had an orange cat, always wanted one. Is your name Beth or is that the name of your cat?

I tend to isolate more than I should so I can relate, but since I have such a long commute during the week, I kind of cherish have down time at home. So, to the post office it is today!

[kolea52]

That is my beautiful Atticus on a seawall at Kanoehoe Bay.

[feralfae]

Hi Beth,

Atticus looks like what we used to call our Marmalade cats at the ranch. Great mousers. Thank you for sharing about the Celebration of Life, the customs, and the scattering of ashes. Our human rituals vary so.

I am very glad you are finding us all kindly enough to share Atticus with us. Thank you, and peace to you this day.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Beth, your kitty is beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss. When Bill died, I made a promise to myself that I would get out daily even if just to the post office for mail and chat with whoever. Sometimes it was a drive through the hills...sobbing as I went. Other times a lunch with a friend. I also tended later to overdo the running around and just lately am getting closer to a balance. I do admire your decision to find a purpose each day. I understand about thank you notes. Locally, I ran a graphic in our village paper (sort of a village tradition) so I wrote only out-of-towners and not for a long time. I figured if brides get 6 months to write thank you notes...I should get a year. I am glad you are coming aboard and glad to know your name and your kitty's name and picture.

I have been to Hawaii twice. Once on our honeymoon. We visited Oahu, Maui and Kauai...rented an open air jeep on Kauai...did the road to whatever on Maui...and more. It is so beautiful there. Have you lived there forever?

Mary

[kayc]

I love how cats look through things, they are so curious!

[kolea52]

Thanks to Everyone. I'm feeling better. Finally began BCG (sort of chemo) for my bladder cancer and had no side effects so far. I had more fear than I realized I suppose because I feel much better. Maybe I won't be joining Steve and Attic Cat soon. In which case I need to begin moving down the 'life' path.

All of your words helped. I especially appreciated your sensitivity in realizing my posting Atti's photo was step forward.

I'm going to check out some other threads now.

Aloha,

Beth

[feralfae]

Dear Beth,

I am glad to see you back here with a report of voting for life. {{{hugs}}}

Many of us here have had to make that decision one or more times since we entered grief, or it entered us. (I have not yet decided which one it is, because it feels so entirely encompassing and filling sometimes.)

Fear is one of our human, normal emotions. And it gets very tangled up with grief, I find.

It is great to hear that you are feeling so much better. There is something about being above the line and looking forward to arriving in the future every second that is self-reaffirming. It feels entirely different from being below the line and considering leaving every second.

Beth, I think you have crossed over that line, and I celebrate with you this significant step.

Welcome to the Tribe, and Marty's campfire. This is a completely excellent place.

See you around more, I hope.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Thanks to Everyone. I'm feeling better. In which case I need to begin moving down the 'life' path. All of your words helped. I especially appreciated your sensitivity in realizing my posting Atti's photo was step

Aloha, Beth.

Dear Beth

So glad you are feeling better. Fear in this situation is so understandable. You are triumphing...you have great courage and we are all behind you. Aloha, Mary

[kayc]

Beth, wishing you the best as you choose health and the fight for it! Praying all goes well with the treatment and your renewed vigor.