Conditioned To Catastrophe?

[feralfae]

Dear Friends Here, Healing with Me,

I had an awareness shift today, and I am wondering if others here have gone through this same shift. It is a rebalancing, actually.

From before Doug left, when we knew he was leaving, I became conditioned to catastrophe. Also the physical pain, but leave that out for now.

His leaving was of course my catastrophe. We all talk about moving, being in an accident, being in war, having violence initiated against us, or our houses robbed, as catastrophes. When I lost Doug, I found out the real meaning of that word. I will henceforth use it far more sparingly. I do recognize that within it is also the possibility of miracles and growth. Sometimes.

This catastrophic event left my entire sense of being shifted, to a new axis of being. The Pole Star was gone from my line of sight. Nothing that happened since, whether the roof leaking, a deck breaking, my car needing repairs, washed out roads in the Yukon, my cauda equina; none of that seemed out of the ordinary for every day events. I was just used to things not working anymore. Doug was gone. Nothing was working any more. It all made sense, there on my shifted axis.

But today, I had a very healing experience of being able to give up expecting more bad stuff to happen all the time. I had some procedures this morning, and I was a bit afraid, and woke up very early anticipating the morning's activities. But then, on my way in to town, I remembered Doug and me laughing and talking, driving into town on a morning much like this one, and how happy we were when we were winning during the first round of chemo. It was only later that things went catastrophic.

I could remember a wonderful time, just a snapshot, and not feel the need to cry, but only the sense of wonder and gratitude that made me smile. That is a huge shift. Maybe the world is going to work again. I certainly intend it to.

I walked in to the doctor's room, fully enjoying being alive and with these kindly people. Everything went very well. I drove home a different way, and admired the scuttling clouds and sky, even if I could not pull back my earlier sense of wonderment and joy.

I think my pole is shifting. I expect things to work. I expect things to make sense again, at least more of the time.

Has anyone else here had a sense of a shift in their awareness? As though things might come out all right again, sometimes? Not bringing Doug back, but a sense that I might find things worth enjoying in the future again? Because I think what triggered this joy was remembering how we used to love to stare at the clouds scuttling across the sapphire sky on blustery spring days. And how we reveled in being IN it all.

I remembered what it meant to be ecstatic and to be alive, even if I remembered and felt it just for a few minutes. It felt so wonderful. So things might come right again some time. That things come to have some logic, some order, some sense to them. Something is still there, within me, that can feel happiness, and it is learning again, but on a different level, to trust things to work. Have you had this shift?

I was just wondering.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Fae,

That is WONDERFUL! That is a huge shift in thinking. I don't recall expecting negative although it sure seemed to work that way a lot of the time, lol! But I guess if we have a 50/50 chance of things working out or not, I'll hope for the positive result...if negative, it'll show itself as soon as I need to know.

And I'm glad your trip to the doctor went well.

[Wifflesnook]

I live in hope but I'm afraid I am still in the trough expecting everything, everything, to go wrong now that the very very worst thing has happened to me. But if I get a glimmer I won't squash it down, Fae, I will try to nurture it. Jan

[kayc]

I look at it this way: If I can survive this, I can survive anything! What could go wrong that wouldn't pale in comparison to what HAS already gone wrong?! Neither a con husband or lost jobs, or my mom having Dementia...none of that comes close to losing George.

[feralfae]

Thank you Jan and Kay.

Part of it seems to be that I am feeling less afraid of the world than I was just a few weeks ago. Not that I expected dragons over the hill or a thundercloud to settle in above me. I just did not expect anything good to happen. Probably ever again. Even when good things would happen, it was difficult to find joy in it. And the joy would not last.

Kay, I hope you are feeling better and taking time to take care of yourself.

I am not all the way there yet. I still wake up most times with a sense that something is very wrong with the world, which in my world, of course, something is very wrong. But I think maybe it will be all right some time in the future. I am willing now to admit that possibility.

Jan, yes, your words expressed it exactly: the very, very worst thing has happened. Maybe this shift is a part of accepting that if the worst has happened, then things will surely get better in the future. I am not totally trusting it yet, that things might get better. But truly, I think I can admit that possibility now. I could not before. I kept expecting yet another shoe to drop, no doubt on my head!

Maybe things will be okay again. Maybe some day I will feel the depth of joy and delight that I used to feel with my beloved Doug. I don't know, but if our Creator can make "beautiful clouds of Beirstadt luminous light to dance with the winds across a sapphire sky" as Doug once wrote to me, then I suppose I can accept that things could get better some day. It feels remotely possible.

Thank you both for understanding. Today, I noticed that I had a more concrete sense of being in control of, of all things, my own kitchen. It had felt like alien territory, inhabited by poltergeists who obviously conspired with the forces of the Universe so that Doug had to leave. Alien, even a little hostile. In fact, my whole house doesn't yet feel as though it is my house: it is still our house, and I cannot sort out any pleasure in it from the pain of the emptiness. Just this huge sense that everything is so terribly, mistakenly wrong somehow, with life and everything around me. And a lot of time, I feel that it will never come right again.

Now, at least, I think maybe it will some day, if I just hold on. Being here has helped a lot, because there are no unanticipated pitfalls, impatient people telling me to do this or that, and no one blaming me for their own issues. So, maybe it is being here, learning to have more compassionate expectations for myself. Learning more patience from all of you here. All I know is that I think I might enjoy life again some day. Even without Doug here to enjoy it with me. I don't know how yet, but maybe it could happen.

Kay, for me, it is less about surviving, and more about living. Really living, and having hope, and knowing that tomorrow will be okay, and is not a place to fear going. I think so many blows coming so very fast with Doug's leaving have just left me reeling. I think I will survive, and now, I might even want to survive. I thought nothing else could go wrong before I lost the feeling in my legs with the cauda equina, so I am not asking THAT question. But I understand: we are tough enough to live through all this, so we must be survivors. I just don't feel that tough yet. You, stalwart one who puts up with your brick-headed boss, are a tough one, for sure. I am inspired. Thank you.

Jan, thank you, I will remember not to squash down any glimmers, and yes, you are right: we can nurture those glimmers, and they may grow and warm our hearts. Thank you for that.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

I will try to take my own advice. My daughter has just told me she now has the bug which her little ones got and I am still suffering from a cold let alone from the high bp which caused the dizziness, so no way can I go over to help her and she understands that. Everyone I know seems to be cracking g up right now and the world seems a harsh place. But while we live we must try to carry on. I know that. This winter has been too long. We have snow again and bitter temperatures at a time when we should be feeling the coming of spring. I dread spring in sme ways because its a season Pete loved and he isn't here to enjoy it. But I am here and I have to somehow carry on as the alternative is impossible. Thank you Fae for providing hope.

[kayc]

Fae,

You gave me pause for thought. I'm not sure I AM "living" but more like "surviving". I think there are many others who feel the same way. I wonder, how many years does it take until you reach the point you feel you are truly living again? I'm sure for some it's three, for others, never...it's very individual. I am glad for those who can and wish I knew the secret...I think it's harder than it looks. But one thing is for sure, I have not given up and am still open.

Oh Jan, I'm sorry! This "bug" is really going around...my little sister just came down with it too and since she spent the day yesterday with my older sister, we're worried she too might get hit. It is a pretty nasty bug. I'm with you, COME SPRING!

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

I wonder if we will ever get back to living again, the way we used to. Probably not, but I would certainly like to be able to enjoy and appreciate life again, and be grateful for this opportunity to enjoy existence. Mostly, I am not there yet. A few brief little flashes, but not the joy and eager anticipation of the next morning that I had before Doug got sick. I'd settle right now for going from being terribly afraid most of the time to being more cautious, but less afraid. So, yes, we are mostly surviving right now, but I do so wish to get back to doing more of living.

This bug seems to be getting around. My Goddaughter brought out more Sambucus, and now I am taking the maintenance dose every day. All her children are on the maintenance dose as well. Not sure how much it will help, but it is at least doing one small gesture of self-care and prevention.

Please do remember that you can go home when you get tired. Maybe if you thank you boss in advance for his understanding and support, he will hear the hint. *<>*

So glad you are here. Thank you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Haha, Fae, you're funny! (thank him in advance)

Sambucus? I haven't heard of that. Is it a vitamin or herb?

Once in a great while, for a fleeting instant, I feel genuinely happy. And then it leaves. But I suppose that is a start. It's not the same way I felt when George was here, but it's something.

[feralfae]

It is an extract of Elderberries, and I am not sure how she makes it, except that it is from organic elderberries. My grandmother used to make it for when we had flu or any viral infection. Gram used to take a small glass of it after dinner, and called it her "tonic" but I don't think it had any alcohol it it. She lived to be 98, but she was a very healthy outdoor woman, riding and working the ranch until she fell at 97 and broke her hip. Then she was terribly bored until she decided to leave.

Anyway, I guess it is herbal. I know it is for sale at the health food store as well. It is a liquid.

Yes, it is those fleeting moments that remind me I am still alive. It doesn't last long. Very fleeting, as you said. And, yes, it is not the same as the happiness with Doug, but yes, it is something. It is a little start. We can build on it, I think. Now that I know looking at a beautiful sky can make me happy, I will probably spend more time looking at beautiful skies.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Again I need a "like" button! This morning it was dark when I walked Arlie and you could see the stars out, the sky was clear and so beautiful...dark blue. I love looking at the sky, it's one of the reasons I live where I do! And I doubt any place could surpass Oregon unless it be maybe Montana, Alaska, or Canada! Oh but then there's so many beautiful places and I'm afraid I'm leaving them out...

[mfh]

Dear fae, I am finally getting time/focus to respond to your post about the shift you have experienced. You said: "Something is still there, within me, that can feel happiness, and it is learning again, but on a different level, to trust things to work. Have you had this shift?"

Here is my take on this. When Bill was deteriorating over the course of about 4-5 years, I entered the world of loss...his losses, my losses and mostly our losses. It was an all encompassing world...our world and I forgot, over time, what life was like without doctor appointments, horrible Dx, MRIs, Bill's decreasing ability to function, to be at peace, and so much more. Our world shifted in huge ways. Our new life was focused around survival and doctors...sadness and desperation and impending and current loss. You know how that is. Every day things got worse in spite of so many moments of such emotional and soul intimacy and oneness. It just became our new world/new normal. We were both pretty positive but realistic people previous to that. Old enough to know that life is a tough classroom, that everything ends, and that joy is found in moments....not days or months i.e. no one is happy ALL the time.

Then when he died, my world (and his) changed again as his heart stopped beating beneath my hand and his final exhalation softly touched my cheek. I knew nothing would ever ever be the same but had no clue what that meant. Only over the next months and even the first two years did that start to become clear. I still do not know fully what it means as I have not yet found my path. I just knew then and know today that nothing worse can ever happen to me...absolutely nothing. That was the second shift the first being the time of his illness. I said that to someone and she said..."how about losing your sight or ability to walk". I say...for ME, it can't hold a candle to this loss. Half of me is gone, the life we shared is gone...wiped out in one breath but also drop by drop over almost 5 years...one leaf at a time falling from my maple tree. Everything that could happen to me pales in comparison. I know that might sound unrealistic but I can't imagine anything worse. I feel more deeply my own pain and the pain of not just those I know but of all those on this planet...kids who are abused everywhere, soldiers dying in a senseless war, animals tortured....anyone's tears...all of it..I am hypersensitive (some times more than others) and I know it. Bill and I have always been very sensitive (that is how we were able to be so close..so at one) and he was a gentle soul...but now I feel everything...even more deeply...pain, fear, love, joy and I know that I always will.

The shift for me is just that....all else that can happen to me pales in comparison to losing him. I look at life with new eyes. I am not the same person. The ONLY thing that really matters to me is the pain and the joy of others including animals. Though I have a certain investment in ecology, politics, my painting, even nature, etc. they are a far second. I went into this chapter knowing that life ends...I have lost a lot of people as have many at my age (73 in a couple of weeks) and I have walked loss in many forms with hundreds of clients. But this knocked me down...even before Bill's body died. It shocked and stunned me like nothing has ever before done. I still feel stunned.

Do I see joy and meaning ahead? ...yes but with new eyes, new heart...and that is MY shift. I see joy and meaning now mostly in assisting real people who are in pain. I always have found satisfaction in that but it is different now...I now know pain in a whole new way. In a shocking way. Right now that is the best I can offer as a response to your question. Spirituality has always mattered...now it is all there is. It makes me a misfit most places. I can laugh with the best of them, but if I seek meaning...it is in love and compassion....

I am so glad you are seeing shafts of light coming through the cracks in the darkness...they will increase and yet for me, at least, a part of me will always sit in that darkness while I also sit in light. Peace to your heart. You are a beautiful person. Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Mary. That posting just got to my very soul. I'm copying it and keeping it. It helps me. Jan

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

Thank you.

When I can read this through without so many tears, I will respond. Off to see more docs today. This is not a serious business, just lots of docs as we try to figure out the muscles that are only now awakening from the cauda equina. But I am most definitely walking and doing well on that front.

Thank you. I will read this a few more times before I respond. You have packed a large philosophy, a world, into that note.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Time for me to head out also, fae. I read a bit about cauda equina as I had never heard of it....for someone as physically active as you have been all your life...that had to be a tough pill to swallow. I pray your body returns to full health.

Gotta get going now.

Mary

[feralfae]

Mary,

I hope you have a good trip, that the weather is beautiful, and the traffic light, and your visit to the doc goes even better than you expected.

Cauda equina is a total bummer, but I am a total miracle of recovery, so I am counting blessings while I am healing.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Mary, your post utterly touched me...it covered complete transformation...going from one place to another, within. I have always felt that pain was designed to call our attention to something that needs attention within us, something that needs fixed or changed. But what then does pain as associated with loss and grief...what is it's purpose or does it have any? Is it different then than physical pain? Is there no fix, no cure? I kind of wonder that it is something we must live with, not unlike physical disorders for which there is no correction.

Fae,

Please keep us abreast of your condition and what, if anything, they can do to halt it's progression. That must have been a huge pill to swallow upon getting that news. How long have you been aware of it?

All of this causes me to look within again and contemplate our purpose, just what it is we are here to learn. We are to be, I know that...is that all? Is that all that is required of us? If we are aware of ourselves and content, can we just "be" and thus fulfill our purpose? It is in the everyday existence, I believe, that we are who we are meant to be...a heightened awareness of others and what they are experiencing. Yes, as Mary was saying, caring about others, animals, etc. in their suffering...but also in the joy of their existence!

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

The worst of the cauda equina is behind me. Doug left last February. In July, I had emergency surgery and they were able to reverse most of the nerve damage and restore my nerves to functioning except for some nerves going to some leg muscles. I have my eliminatory functions all restored fully. No appliances I am able to walk, and slowly getting stronger and able to balance from my core again. It is slow, but there is a lot of progress. All I can do now is keep up the PT, follow doc's orders, and not injure myself in any way. I have been aware of it since the accident in December 0f 2008, but was busy taking care of Doug. Now the reports are that things with the cauda equina are doing well, and it is all fixed, as far as we know, and now the process just requires healing and physical therapy. Really, I am okay. Nothing to worry about. Just a lot of hard work to get fully functioning again.

More later, must go supervise the workmen who are here today to fix the loose carpet, put in the new entry flooring, and caulk the new kitchen flooring.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Fae,

That is a relief to hear!

I need prayers for my Arlie...he only ate about 1 1/2 c. dogfood yesterday (out of 4), that is unusual for him...it is not a good sign following rat poison ingestion. I'm praying he eats his food today. I don't know if he's holding out for treats (he spoils easily) since I'm getting his pills down him in a concoction he really likes, or if it's truly loss of appetite because of what's going on inside of him. I am hoping he's just spoiled! At any rate, I am very nervous...can't wait for today to be over so I can go home and see how he's doing.

[feralfae]

Oh, Kay, that must be so worrisome!

Is he drinking and engaging in his usual level of activity? Did you take Arlie to the vet? Is there anyone near your home, a relative or neighbor, who could go over and check to see if he is doing all right? I'd be on pins and needles, too, wondering how he was doing at home alone.

I will be glad to hear a good report when you get home.

And Arlie and you are both in my prayers.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

Dear Kay, you can be sure that Arlie is in our prayers ~ just as you yourself are. I don't know what this change in appetite means, but I'd be worried sick, too ♥

[kayc]

It's a symptom following ingestion of rat poisoning so that gives me cause for concern. If he is bleeding internally, that necessitates blood transfusions.

I am supposed to keep him from running and jumping. He seems to be feeling okay so far but that's not necessarily indicative of anything...by the time it shows up in how they feel, it's too late.

Nope, noone to check on him for me. My neighbor who normally would check on him for me, went into the hospital this morning and my sister can't drive since she broke her arm.

I took Arlie to the vet a week ago and they told me what to look for...they didn't mention his appetite, but I see it listed with the symptoms on line several places.

Thank you both for your prayers...I'll let you know how it goes tonight!

[mfh]

Kay, how is Arlie tonight? I am concerned. I will check later to see if you post.

I hope he is ok.

Mary

[feralfae]

And another Arlie check. Please let us know.

Much Love,

*<twinkles>* to you and Arlie

fae

[mfh]

I just sent her a private message. I am worried about Arlie.

Mary