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Lost My Older Brother 3 Weeks Ago

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I wanted to start off saying how glad I am to have found this forum. I was searching everywhere online for a pace to disclose my feelings with people who would understand my situation. Anyways, I'll continue with my story.

My brother, who was 24, passed away on march 21 of last month. When I heard the news, I was in complete shock of everything. It all started when my older brother started getting this weird rash and bumps on his skins about 2 months ago now. I thought it was a boil infection, like staph but it wasn't. It turns out he had a rare fungus infection that targets the lungs once it spreads throughout the body. He first shown signs of this last year when he was in the army doing some training in the Mojave desert in California. In the desert holds this certain fungus that infects people. He was given antibiotics from the army medic and sent off back to train without a check up or to see if the fungus was out of his system. That was in March of 2012 and a year later it has spread throughout his body and killed him.

Everything is so strange without my older brother. He was only a year older than me, and the last time we talked the was the my little brother took him to the hospital to get his skin problem checked out. I honestly thought he was just going for a few days, maybe a week or two at most and then come back home with some new medication to get rid of his illness. My family didn't know what was wrong with him, the doctors didn't even know what he had until it was too late. I remember when my step dad told me the horrific story about being in the ICU with my older brother, my mom, and grandma watching his pass away. Everything feels so unreal, like it hasn't happened.

I didn't cry until I called my cousins to tell them the news since everyone on my moms side of the family knew already, so I had to tell my dads side. I told my older cousin that my brother died and once I heard her cry I started to hysterically myself. This all happened a few weeks back and now I'm trying to move on the best way I can. People have told me "they are so sorry" and their condolences, but even that doesn't feel like enough to satisfy my loss of my sibling I was close too. My brothers funeral was during my spring break from the college I go to, and the whole time I couldn't relax without wanted to break down and cry or sulk.

Now I'm back in school again trying to stay focused in my classes to take my mind off of my family situation and people around me just don't understand. It's hard to not get upset when people are al smiley asking me "how was my spring break" or a person who considers me to be their "friend" complain to me or "vent" about a class they don't like and making it seem like it's the hardest thin in the world while knowing my brother just died. It feels like people who know me and my situation are not considerate to my feeling during this time. As if that me not showing my sorrow or pain all the time means that I'm over it. I even had this one "friend" in particular even argued with me on the phone and in person within the past 2 weeks and even blamed me for ending a previous phone conversation early because I told her I wasn't feeling emotionally well. I am baffled at the people who are so rude, and inconsiderate of others it's sickening. I still have a long way to go to feel right again.

Anyways, this is just my horrible ranting and I know this is a lot to read and a novel of a post, but I had no other place to get these feelings off of my chest. Once again, I'm glad to be here with others who knows what loss feels like.

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I am so sorry for your loss. I have heard of that, it's been in the newspaper about others going through that.

It is very hard dealing with other people's responses when you're grieving. Many of their "problems" seem trivial in comparison. It is hard to understand how people can be so lacking in their understanding but when they haven't been through it, they just don't know. I'm glad they haven't been through it, but it still makes it tough.

My heart goes out to you. Take your time, your grief journey is unique and you may find it is years you are dealing with this, and that's okay. Don't let anyone rush you or deny you your grief. One day at a time...

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My brother died suddenly in a car crash last August. I have also found it hard and surreal to have lost a sibling. It's very different from when my father died. I was sad when my father died, but you know you probably will outlive your parents. You expect that your brother will always be in your life, and it's a huge shock when someone dies too young. I miss him all the time. I went to grief groups but they were far more focused on parents who lost children and people who are widowed. It seems hard to find people who take sibling loss seriously.

I do have a coworker whose sister died last year, and she and I had a good talk and at least I feel a little less alone. It's really helpful to post and read in this forum, and we are always here and you can post anything you are feeling, any time. Take one day, or one hour at a time, and cry when you need to. Many people don't know what to say, so they say the wrong thing or they change the subject.

I hope you can find someone who will understand the magnitude of your loss, and even if you don't, we do understand here on this forum. Be gentle with yourself.

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I came close to losing two sister a couple of years ago and I can tell you it was a very stressful time in my life. My siblings and I are very close, and to lose any of them would be very hard hitting. I don't see how anyone can lose a sibling and not be hit hard, but then I guess everyone's relationships are different.

I'd think it'd be all the harder when someone is young and should have years left to live, we just don't expect it and it doesn't seem fair.

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  • 4 weeks later...

You may want to look up a member named Chai. If I remember correctly she had kind of the same situation when her father died and she returned to college. Maybe she could help you. I went to look back at some of her posts and they have changed the format and I can't figure it out. But you could personal message her or ask Marty how to get in to look at the posts.

Hope this helps,

Mary Linda

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Hi Mary Linda ~ Nice to see you here again!

If you hover your mouse over the gear icon next to the Search box at the top right side of this page, then click on Advanced Search, you can use that feature to find Chai's posts. Just type in Chai's name in the Find Author box, and select Loss of a Parent or Grandparent in the Find in Forum box, then click on the black Search Now button. At least two pages of Chai's posts will come up for you.

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