My Story

[DML]

Hello Everyone,

Last week I stumbled across this forum and realized how common my situation actually is. I will try to keep this as short as possible. Before I start I want to tell each and every one of you that I am so sorry for what you/we are going through and I wish us all the very best for the future.

So almost 2 years ago my partner F, lost her father unexepectedly . It was extremely sad and undeserving. He was not her birth father but to her he was everything. There was some pretty nasty family bickering over the estate . My partner did not care about money or property as she only wanted him back. At this point in time we had been together approx 4 years, things were not perfect but were not horrible either. We still had fun and had many things in common. After the passing she withdrew. She would go to work , come home and get into bed and watch TV until she fell asleep. She stopped talking to me unless it was to tell me what not to do as it would remind her of her loss.

Christmas came around and I got her whatever she had mentioned. She gave me the most bizarre items but I made the best of it. Two weeks later she told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. I was destroyed and I begged her to get some help as she was in deep depression. She agreed she needed something but did not know where to look. Luckily I have counselling available to me 24/7 through my works EAP program. I called and they set us up with a counsellor who dealt with death. When we arrived F told the counsellor that she didn t know who I was or remembered any of the things I had told her. She said she doesnt even know if she liked movies but since I had told her we used to go to movies she sort of believed it but was not sure . She told the counsellor to tell me to leave her alone . So the counsellor looked me in the eye and told me not to pressure F in any way.

I was in complete shock.. this was alot worse than I expected, my partner did not know who I was. She refused to return to any counselling. I tried printing articles about grief and she just tossed them away. I found a grief group and she seemed to want to go , but never did. Then she told me she was having thoughts of hurting our animals, we had two dogs and three cats at the time. She was focused on one dog and one cat, ironically the ones whom she loved the most.

Finally we went to the emergency department of our mental health hospital. She wanted to get better. We were expecting to talk and walk away with a prescription. Well it was a horrifying experience to say the least. They seperated us and lied to me saying they would giver her some meds. Then they told me they were keeping her . I said like hell they were. She came to me in tears and I did my best to convince them but they had law on their side. As they took her away she told me she hated me. I returned later that night with a toothbrush etc. She was civil to me but she did not belong there. It was one of the worst places I have ever seen, but thats another story. The next day they released her cuz she seemed " happier " and they said wasn t it great what a good nights sleep can do! I just shook my head and vowed to never ever return there .

So then she decided that she wanted to be on her own and for the safety of the animals she was going to get her own apartment. And she did. So that meant that now I would have to move as I could not afford the rent alone. She moved into her new apartment in March but stayed with me until I moved at the end of May. I asked her if she would consider seeing our naturopath as she would no longer trust any doctor who could lock her up. She agreed and we had fantastic results. The naturopath gave her some supplements and she started feeling better with hours! I had moved about 30 mins away from her but she would come spend time at my place every week . Things were going well! The first anniversary passed and she was starting to become her old self again! However she had no recollection of breaking up with me 9 months before. She did not remember TV shows , or movies but I was just so happy to see her smiling and laughing again!

So our plan was to eventually move back in together . Christmas came around again and it was better than the last. Then in February one of the cats was diagnosed with cancer. But the biggest heartache was coming. We had a senior dog who was suffering with severe arthritis . I had her on meds, special food ,supplements and anything else the vet recommended but I knew it was getting close to the end. So I mentioned that we needed to think about what was best for the dog. She would not hear it, told me she would pay for the meds . I said its not a matter of that its what best for the dog. Anyways after three cancellations we finally said goodbye to the dog 6 weeks later. Oh and the week before we said goodbye she broke up with me yet again.

This time she was adament we were done. She had not met anyone or wasn t looking but in case she did she wanted to be free. I was so hurt. I said well I am not friends with my exes so I ll need to get my stuff from your apartment. She said she wanted us to be friends and again I said no. So she said I could not have my things back and she will not tell me if she is seeing someone else. I said I would figure it out. This was also the time she chose to tell me that she had started hurting herself and she wanted me to tell our family doctor, which I did.

This was about 5 weeks ago and our contact has lessened. However we did go out last week and we had a fantastic time ! She called me when I got home and she told me that she had a great time and was so happy that we didnt argue and what were we going to do? I said well lets see what happens next time we go out. We are supposed to go out again this saturday for dinner. Part of me wants to just get my stuff and go away and heal but another part of me of course wants to try and get her back. I have been wondering if the passing of our dog was the trigger for her leaving again.

Well thats my story in a nutshell. Similiar in some ways to everyone elses but different in other ways. I am not expecting anyone to tell me to stay or go , but it has helped to just write this down , to just vent.

Thanks for reading.

[kayc]

It definitely sounds like your dog passing was a trigger. Her mental health does not sound stable. I haven't heard of anyone having such memory lapses with grief, but I suppose anything's possible...this does sound beyond ordinary grief though. Have you talked to a counselor about her, even if you can't get her to go, just in an effort to understand what's going on or what you might expect?

You definitely have a right to your belongings and it sounds like a clean break might be best for you. You shouldn't have to look forward to her waffling and not being up front with you. You can always take her back if she gets her act together and proves to you that things have changed, but I wouldn't consider it before then because why would you want more of the same?

It's going to be really important for both of you to understand what has happened to her and have assurance it won't continue this way in order to give it a chance again...that means her getting therapy and perhaps both of you in couples counseling as well.

Good luck to you, I know this is hard.

[DML]

Thats actually how I found this forum. I was looking for ways to understand what she is going through. My friends cannot relate. One told me to just dump her and move on. But how do I do that when I am still in love with her and I know she is not well? I read your 12 steps to survival in another post and I do find that alot of them work. The best one is to be calm and act like everything is fine. The more needy I was the less I heard from her. It will take everything I have to stay calm around her . Thanks for your response KayC!

[Pollara]

Well DML I am sorry to read your story. The death of her step father was the trigger, but I am sorry to tell you that your girlfriend has serious mental problems that they might started with the grief, but it is not just only grief. Wanting to hurt animals is a step before starting hurting people and that is why the doctors wanted to keep her enclosed. The memory loss is also another warning sign and the self hurting. In any case your girlfriend needs help and not that of a simple counselor. She needs a psychologist or even a psychiatrist. Her condition is very serious and you shouldn't abandon her not because you are in love with her or things like that but because she might hurt herself. Don't lose your time to forums and try to see how is related because although the condition is similar to grief she lost her self. These are really warning signs and you should take her to a specialist otherwise worst things might happen. And of course although she doesn't want you to be her boyfriend she wants you around (well that is common selfish reaction but don't take it in mind). It is not time to say I should just leave her because yes it is a perfect strategy but your girlfriend is in serious trouble and you should acknowledge this. I know that you have difficulty in accepting that she has something more serious but my first bachelor was in psychology (although I didn't follow this profession and I didn't get any specialization to grief) and these are all warning signs. Especially the thoughts of hurting animals

[DML]

I should clarify that she did not harm anything but herself. I asked a therapist why on earth she would want to harm our dog and they said because it was something she could control. With the loss of her step father she had no control. I am actually happy that she was able to recognize her thoughts and moved away. She has one of the cats and he is fine , actually doing well .

I know our family doctor is sending her to a psychologist of some sort, but since we broke up she doesn t tell me much about these things. I am so glad you are not telling me to just walk away, I am a wreck wondering if she is ok most days. I haven t heard a word from her since Monday and I am starting to get concerned but I will wait until tomorrow and see if she texts me about dinner Saturday.

[DML]

Pollara,

tell me, how is it that my gf can come across as so normal? This is what i don t understand. My big fear is that she will meet someone else because she can seem so normal. Am I being selfish now as well?

[kayc]

Well I feel differently. He is not responsible for her and where is her family that they don't intervene or try to get her some help? What if she tried to hurt him physically? It doesn't take much to kill someone...a gun, a knife, when someone is this unbalanced, I'd be scared to be around them! And with good cause! Just pick up any paper and read where someone's gone off the deep end and killed someone. Wanting to hurt animals is the first step, how long until she wants to hurt people? People like this don't give warnings except their escalating behavior and frame of mind...if you're privy to that.

I wouldn't worry about getting back together or her meeting someone else right now, I would be much more concerned about her thinking and behaviors. Grief may have triggered it but something else seems like it's going on.

[DML]

Your a smart bunch, she has no family. And I believe there are childhood issues surfacing as well. The hurting of animals has not been mentioned in over a year and I am confident she would not do it, she loves animals.

[kayc]

She hasn't mentioned it to YOU in a year, how do you know what's going on inside of her mind? I love animals too and never in my entire life, and I've been through a lot, have I ever wanted to hurt an animal. It's not normal. And if she hasn't adequately addressed her problems, how can you think anything's really changed? Enough to feel safe around her!

NO family? No siblings, aunt, uncle, grandparents, cousins, no one?? Or have they estranged themselves from her for some reason? Does she have close friends? What do they say/think?

[kayc]

Marty? Any thoughts?

[DML]

Yes no family. Not estranged , just no one. She has one close friend but I wouldn t exactly trust her. She does have a co worker who she is close with , but I am not sure she would confide in this woman either. I feel like I have caused some tension on here and that was the last thing I wanted to do.

[MartyT]

DML, I too am so sorry to learn of the difficulties your girlfriend is having, and I must caution all of us to be very, very careful in interpreting her behavior or in offering any advice to you. We do not know all sides of this complicated story, and we simply cannot know what is going on inside this person's mind or how she came to be this way ~ and as much as you love her, neither can you. From what you've written here and the behaviors you've described, it seems clear that she needs professional help, which would include a complete and thorough psychiatric assessment of her history and her physical and mental status as well as suggestions for what, if any, treatment is indicated. You say your family doctor is sending her "to a psychologist of some sort" and we can only hope that she follows through and will get the professional help she needs and deserves. Whether you choose to stand by her while this happens is a decision only you can make, because so many factors are involved ~ and this could take more time and more patience than you are willing and able to give her. Perhaps the best thing you can do right now is to do exactly as you're doing: Take it one step at a time, see how she is when the two of you are together, encourage her to stick with her therapist, and see how she progresses in her therapy.

[kayc]

No, no tension at all, we're just concerned about you. Feel free to post here, any time. You are going through a lot, and I didn't intend to sidestep that because of her mental condition. You need support, and you'll have it here. I just don't think we can advise you beyond what we have because of the extenuating circumstances and we don't know enough about it and aren't qualified...Marty would be the most qualified and of course all we're given is what you've told us and that is limited.

I have been in six major relationships and some of those included someone with mental problems...so when I see a red flag it leaps out at me "GET OUT OF HERE!" so if you see me over reacting, please excuse me, it's stuff I've encountered and not your situation personally...but I see enough leaping out at me as red flags with your situation too.

Anyway, do please let us know how it goes, and I wish you the best.

[DML]

Oh KayC I knew from the first time I read your post last week that you were a good person and I truly hate that you have had to go through so much pain. There is so much more about my gf that I did not write , she has not had an easy life but she is a good person. By no means am I an expert but I think she has PTSD and if she does not deal with her issues she will always have these episodes . I can tell you that I just got off the phone with her . I did not contact her since last Monday and I was determined to let her contact me first this time and she did. Her mood was good , she was laughing and teasing me , asking me if I needed anything. I just kept it light, the most serious part was what were we going to have for dinner on saturday. Like Marty said I go day by day, there are good and bad days. Some days I may just need a few words of support ( of course I am there for anyone who needs the same ) . Lastly I should also let you know that I am female as well.

[kayc]

Okay, just be careful, I know you have a long history together, and that's hard to set aside, but please promise me you'll do what is best for you, okay? That's one thing I've learned in all that I've been through, I have to look out for me first of all. If I don't take care of my well being, I'm not good for anyone/anything else anyway.

Is that a dog as your avitar? It is hilarious! Is it yours or just a picture you got from somewhere?

I am coming down sick tonight and supposed to be gone all day tomorrow carting my sisters around (one is quadriplegic and in a wheelchair, another loses her balance and falls easily so she's in a walker, it'll be a tough day, my daughter is going to help, so is another sister. Anyway, I won't get home until tomorrow night and no telling what shape I'll be in, just wanted you to know if I'm not here for a day or so, that's why. Someone else should come on line though.

I gathered your GF hasn't had an easy life, esp. if people are squabbling over stuff (estate), and she had a dad that wasn't her biological dad but was her acting dad...sometimes I wonder if anyone has it normal...some people do, I know, but there sure are a lot of us that don't.

Try to get some rest tonight, try not to worry about the future, what will happen, try to stay in the now, it really helps, we can't handle all of tomorrow's problems and worries. And if you keep having anxiety, try to see the doctor. Honestly, after I got on my Rx, I wish I would have years sooner, it wasn't until husband #4 was cheating on me that I finally went to the doctor and got some help, but I think I've had GAD since I was a kid, everyone in my family seems to have it except one sister and she had a different dad that she took after.

Take care, good night!

[Pollara]

KayC when I told DLM not to abandon her, I didn't mean to try to convince her to get back together. But people who hurt themselves do that because they lack of attention, care and love of any kind. I was expecting something like a really complicated childhood or abandonment issues or having no parents when I read the thread. Of course he is not her parent but he is a person that they shared 6 years together and sometimes even parents are not the most suitable to act on these cases because they denied the fact that their child might have a problem. Of course DLM denies it too. The fact that she seems normal doesn't mean she is and yes it is not that strange to find another lover. She doesn't look like a person who shut herself emotionally in the way other grievers do. But she might pretend as well. But what if she kill herself let's say, then DLM will feel worse that he didn't help her. Then here there are two choices that you should first ask yourself what do you really want. What you care about? Do you care about her being well and happy even if it is without you or you just want her with you?Because in the first case you should convince her to see an expert. Only with an expert's help she can be better. But I don't know whether this means that she will be with you. What I mean is that you should help her but don't do that and waiting in exchange that you will get her back. At this time try to be near her as a friend and that is all. If she wants to be with you she will be. But she should first heal herself and then your relationship.

[kayc]

With her having thoughts of hurting animals, that is a huge alert to me that she could do other things to other people, and right away my thoughts are of DLM protecting herself. I think however she proceeds should be done with professional care and leading. Of course she still cares for her, how could you not after six years together. Which makes her vulnerable to whatever she does as well.

People hurt themselves for other reasons too, often unknown to themselves. When women were raped as girls, they might self-abuse, through cutting, alcohol or drugs, choosing poor relationships, or underachieving. I don't know her background but my guess is it's less than ideal. She isn't presenting normally. And lots of people can "act normal" but it's no indication at all of what's going on inside. They have learned what is socially acceptable and learned to display that persona, that's all.

But she should first heal herself and then your relationship.

I agree!

[MartyT]

Again I must caution all of us to be very careful here. I'm seeing lots of "shoulds" in this thread. I know our intentions are positive, but let us bear in mind that we are operating with very limited information, we don't know all the facts in this situation, and we must avoid jumping to any conclusions. I think DML is looking for our empathy, compassion and support, and that is all we "should" be offering to her ♥

Addendum: I just now read this timely article online, and I invite you to read it too: Living in the 'Shoulds'

[Pollara]

well sorry marty, since I am not native English speaker I use it as it used in my language. It doesn't have a strong impact. I agree we don't know almost anything about her case rather what DML wrote. An expert will (again I was going to use should but correct it) take her record and have a discussion with her.

But when I read that someone is self hurting himself I will just tell him to seek the help of an expert. That's why all the "shoulds". In any case DML if I were in your shoes I would tell her that I still care about her and that it might be good to seek help for an expert. Or at least ensure that she will seek the help she needs from the expert. And then if I couldn't be around her (since you mention that you are not friends with ex's) I will just leave. Sometimes people cannot appreciate how valuable something is until they lose it.

[DML]

Well I never expected such passionate replies! Thank you! Now to address them.. I am staying friends with her now because I KNOW she is not well and needs to have someone stable in her life whether she realizes it now or not. As Pollara , my partner is not from North America ( Eastern European ) either and I am finding that cultural differences in how we deal with emotional issues are very different, add to that her troubled childhood and its no wonder she needs therapy. I always gently mention seeking therapy , but it depends on the mood of the day. Right now she has been calling me and asking advice on just day to day things so I do not want to upset her and then have her get distant again.

Someone mentioned taking things day by day and that is pretty much what I am doing. Right now its ok , but next week she may choose to distance herself from me and that is when I will need support. Its always then when those negative thoughts enter my head and keep me awake.

KayC I hope your feeeling better today and as for my avatar , it is not my dog. I found the picture and it made me smile! The little pup is so happy and innocent and it seems like he has a huge smile on his little face!

[kayc]

DML,

Thank you, I woke up feeling fine, I think it was some food poisoning from where I stopped on my way home last night.

I had a great day with my sisters and daughter today, so tonight I'm tired, but it was a good day.

The dog is adorable! It'd make a great addition to Pinterest!

I have a friend that is German, from the old country, so I know what you mean about the communication differences, both language and culture, and he's been in the states for 48 years, those differences still enter in!

Taking things a day at a time has become my motto...when I'm not backsliding into worry/anxiety that is. But I remind myself to stay in the present and not take on the whole future and it helps.

Not trying to tell you what you "should" do, not at all! There's a lot of considerations and I'm sure you'll make the right one for you. Anything I've said has been out of concern for you, okay? And Marty is right, I already recognize that what you need most from us here is understanding and support, we aren't therapists, but we've all been through a lot and the support on this forum is invaluable. We're here whenever you need someone.

I understand about losing sleep, I went through that when Jim broke up with me, I don't think I had a decent night's sleep for months! I kept myself super busy, if nothing else I ended up with a very clean house...too bad it didn't last!

[DML]

Well... I have been stood up. We were supposed to have dinner today but I have not heard a word from her. When I call there is no answer and no response to my texts. I hope she is ok , but I will not tolerate being treated this way. Today has been planned for a month, no excuses. We spoke yesterday and all seemed fine . I guess she got a better offer.

[kayc]

I'm sorry. And I'm glad you have some boundaries. They won't respect us if we don't first respect ourselves. And I think somehow this forum is more about us than it is them. We can't change them, but we can only control our own responses, plans, outlook.

Earlier you were told she should get help...that's all fine and dandy to say...theoretically...but the truth is, you can't "make" her anything! It has to be up to her. You can "be there", care about her, encourage her, but the rest is up to her. Gosh, it's so hard. I've had a lifetime dealing with my mom...she's mentally ill, and she won't cooperate, won't take our suggestions, very stubborn. In the end we had to get a court order (which took us a year) to get her medically evaluated and even more time to get her placed in a Dementia care facility so she would be safe. It's very hard when your loved one won't listen or respond...it's like we're walking this fuzzy line balanced between what we know is best and respecting their choices for themselves...not easy!

I hope you can plan something enjoyable for yourself for the rest of the evening. Maybe in the future if you make plans with her you can have a back up plan in mind for you in case she doesn't show, so it's not such a let down for you? Recover your time and still enjoy it...it's hard to let go of all you're feeling and going through, even temporarily.

Wishing you a good rest of the evening!

[DML]

I just called 8hospitals looking fir her. Nothing. Now I am considering going to her apartment.. what do you think?

Just got a text saying she is at work and will call me after... hmmm

[kayc]

Ahh, that's a relief! Often our minds go to the worst, but there was a plausible explanation. Maybe the two of you will enjoy the night yet!