Lost...

[SadMellyDelly]

I am a 29 year old female who has been somewhat unlucky in love. My first ever relationship was extremely abusive (15 years told to 17) and it somewhat scarred me. I met a guy at 19 who showed me what love should be like but alas, that too ended because I was just too young and he wasn't all that great towards the end. I didn't fall in love again until I was 26 and met a guy 5.5 years older than I was. I fell and I fell fast. He was tall, good looking and seemed to have his together. I upped and moved from my city 45 minutes away to be closer to him. Well, he was a liar, deceiver and master manipulator and he really took me for a ride. We were together about 20 months but that relationship should have ended LONG time ago. But anyways I digress...

May of this year I was at a terrible club with some friends dancing to some old school tunes and just having a blast. All of a sudden I get into a "dance off" with this adorable tall guy and we just have a blast. We were both drunk but just had a great time flirting and dancing. We even snuck a couples of kisses in here and there. He tells me he is 24 and I sort of cringed because of the age difference but I thought it was the start of something casual and fun. We exchanged numbers and we went our separate ways. It took a week and a bit for us to meet up and from there on we had an amazing connection. We had SO much fun and the physical chemistry was out of this world. We could both be ourselves with one another and loved every minute of it. He made me feel so amazing and so special but his age was always a factor at the back of my mind because I felt he wouldn't want what I wanted in the same timeframe. It was at this time I also found out that he was infact 23, not 24. This was further backed up by one of his close female friends who was dating his best friend. She told me that my guy wouldn't be ready in the "timeframe" that I had said I wanted a kid (5.5 years from now). It was a topic of discussion a few times and he would always say that people shouldn't tell him what he wants and he can speak for himself. The age issue wouldn't come up until he would do something that would showcase his immaturity (selfish at times). I also noticed that he would get weird when talking about his mom and would beat around the bush when I would ask about her. Finally, one month into the relationship, he admitted that his mom had cancer. I was taken aback. I didn't know what to say except apologize and offer my support. I also asked him if he was sure he had it in him to start a new relationshp right now considering that his mom was sick. He said he was sure of us but I started feeling nervous. I did not know how sick she was.

1 month after he told me about his mom and 2 months into our relationship, she passed away. I was stunned. I didn't kow how I should feel. Should I keep my tears in because we had only known each other for a short period of time even though our connection (I felt) was so strong? The day she passed I told him that I felt we should put our relationshp on pause now because I wanted his energy to be focused on his family and his mom's viewing/funeral only. I didn't want to be on his mind at all and I at the same time didn't want to feel "neglected" so soon in (selfish I know but it's hard at times not to think about yourself too). He fought me tooth and nail and wanted me around and said he wouldn't neglect me but if I didn't want to be there, he would understand because it's a lot to deal with. Heck, I had never even met him mom and the first and last time I would be meeting her would be at her viewing and funeral. It took a lot of soul searching but I decided to stand by him and be there for him during this time.

The day of the viewing I was terrified. I would be meeting his family and most of his friends for the first time in such terrible circumstances. I felt so alone but knew I was there for him, not me. I sat off to the side so he could do his thing. AFterward, he asked if him and I could go for a drink to talk and have alone time. I jumped at the chance because we hadn't connected much since his mom had passed. His friends overheard and invited themselves along. I was upset because meeting everyone in this situation was already so overwhelming I just wanted to reconnect one on one with my guy to see if he was ok and as strong as the facade he was putting up. We had some words but got over it. We were both very stressed about situations and sometimes people lash out.

The next morning at the funeral, I once again showed up and sat to the side. I was away from him enough to give him his space put within eyesight so he knew I was there for him. After the funeral he told me he wanted to have alone time with just me and "let loose". Once again I was gung ho for this because I wanted to just let him speak and get everything out. He calls me later and tells me that he made plans with his friends, family and myself to all hang out. I was done with the friends and family at that point. I didn't want to be surrounded by strangers anymore. I am terrible with death and have bad anxiety. I told him to hang with his friends and family and maybe we could chill the next day (Sunday). He started drinking and drinking and sadness don't mix. We once again had words that night with him telling me that all of my issues are insignificant compared to what he is going through. I told him I agree but that wasn't fair for him to say. He vanished. He diappeared until Monday afternoon. I was worried SICK. When he finally texts me on Monday I bust into tears because I had no idea what had happened. We talk for 6 hours in his truck that night and seemed to clear things up. He told me he went out of the city with his cousins because he had to get away from everything. I told him I get it, but he could have called/texted me to tell me that he wanted to run for a bit. From that day, his personality/attitude has taken a steady decline. My once happy and positive guy was lashing out and yelling and getting angry at little things. I knew this would happen. I brought it to his attention and he even apologized for it at one point because he could "feel himself" getting that way and he didn't like it. I told him it was ok to be sad, but angry was very confusing for me.

He started backing away a bit (exactly what he said he wouldn't do) and we weren't really having us time anymore because the weekend after his mother's funeral, he begged me to let him help me move into my new place because it would give him something to do so he wouldn't think about his mom. We worked and worked and worked. There was nothing much else we could do. When he bent a nail that he was hammering, he would get mad and start swearing. When he was painting, he would tear up and start crying. I didn't know what to do. He didn't want to "burden me" with his problems so he kept everything to himself. It got to the point where 2 and a half weeks ago, I let my resentment take over me and I ended the relationship. I was mad that there was no communication. I was mad that he didn't let us just put our relationship on hold and I was now getting my heart broken. I knew his broken heart was a million times worse than what I could ever feel so that's not the point. We could avoided the extra anger and hurt but just backing away so he could have his alone time to grieve because him and his mom were close. I regretted it almost instantly because it was so rash and I tried to tell him that. He wanted to "give me my space" because he thought it was why we had ended. The next day he goes to a baseball game and gets wasted. We talk that night and he starts lashing out on me again and I try to say something and he responds with "shut up I'm talking". I broke into tears because I never thought my guy would talk to me like that. Not in a million years. The next day he asks me if we are ready to get back together. He tried to ignore the way he spoke to me. He responded with "Sorry if I was cold to you but I just had to explode". I think it went beyond his anger to me for ending it and had more to do with his mom.

He refused to meet up with me and he was leaving that same week to go away for 11 days. We did not speak at all those 11 days and I apologized profusely about the rash break up. I was just so overwhelemd over everything that had happened so soon on and I had no friends to turn to because they couldn't give me advice about the situation as none of them have ever had to deal with something so soon. He came back a couple of days ago and we have spoken once since. And he is basically ignoring me now. I don't know what to do. I want to be with him but I also know he needs his time to grieve as it's been a month and a week since his mom died. I love him. So much. I want to save this but I don't want to talk about "us" right now because it has nothing to do with "us". It has to do with him healing.

If you read this far, thank you so much. It feels good to get it out. Any advice?

[kayc]

I would read some of the other posts here...it's not uncommon for someone to break up after the death of their parent. When a person is grieving, they are overcome with so many feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, regret, missing them, you name it, that they have little to no energy to put into a relationship. We can step aside, wait, be patient, give them space, be a saint, and it can still end in a break up. When someone is grieving, putting demands on them or requiring something from them will probably not give the desired result. That doesn't mean, however, that you can't expect to be treated with respect (no name calling, swearing at you, standing you up)...but it might result in that anyway.

In the end, sometimes there's nothing you can do but let the relationship, as it was, go. Perhaps if too much damage is not done, it might resume at a different time, but I wouldn't count on it. It's important for you to move forward and focus on you if you are broken up. It's not usually good to resume a broken relationship without discussion and resolution as to why things went the way they did...otherwise it's likely to have the same results if there are no changes.

This is a two month relationship. It's hard to know someone in depth in that length of time, you are both still learning about each other. I would not assume he was "the one" in that length of time. Perhaps giving each other some space and time apart and then meeting up a few months down the road would give you a fresh start...or it may be a discovery that you perhaps weren't mean to be after all.

I'm very sorry. Going into a relationship too strong too fast often has disastrous results...I've learned that the hard way.

I hope for some peace for you and better times ahead.

[Pollara]

Hi and welcome!

It is sad that you were added to this company!

I can tell you that I understand how you feel!

I was in my relationship for 2 months when my boyfriend's mother passed away. When his mom died he told me that he needs some time alone which I gave it to him of course and then he returned being "normal" for about 3 or 4 weeks. In the meantime he started being distant and like you he told me "sorry for being distant". Unlike you, even though he had became very distant towards me, I stayed there and waiting without asking for anything. He broke up with me 3,5 months after the incident. I talked to him after 1.5 month after the break up since he broke up with me and he told me that he is not ok and he was going to the psychiatrist to ask for antidepressants. I tried to contact him again to see how he is doing but he didn't answer. So that makes it 1.5 month without contact and 3 months after the break up.

Of course the only advice I can give you is to move on. Of couse every person grieves differently and he might return. In my case I know that he won' t anymore.

I lost every hope. I think it is for the better if you don't hope for something. In any case, since he seems to have feel into depression too, if he doesn't ask for help, that means that it will take some time for him to be able to devote again to a relationship.

Are you able to wait? And then what if you wait and it was for nothing? Sorry for being so pesimist, but experience shows that seldomly these kinds of cases return to their significant others. But I am wishing you the best

[SadMellyDelly]

Hi and welcome!

It is sad that you were added to this company!

I can tell you that I understand how you feel!

I was in my relationship for 2 months when my boyfriend's mother passed away. When his mom died he told me that he needs some time alone which I gave it to him of course and then he returned being "normal" for about 3 or 4 weeks. In the meantime he started being distant and like you he told me "sorry for being distant". Unlike you, even though he had became very distant towards me, I stayed there and waiting without asking for anything. He broke up with me 3,5 months after the incident. I talked to him after 1.5 month after the break up since he broke up with me and he told me that he is not ok and he was going to the psychiatrist to ask for antidepressants. I tried to contact him again to see how he is doing but he didn't answer. So that makes it 1.5 month without contact and 3 months after the break up.

Of course the only advice I can give you is to move on. Of couse every person grieves differently and he might return. In my case I know that he won' t anymore.

I lost every hope. I think it is for the better if you don't hope for something. In any case, since he seems to have feel into depression too, if he doesn't ask for help, that means that it will take some time for him to be able to devote again to a relationship.

Are you able to wait? And then what if you wait and it was for nothing? Sorry for being so pesimist, but experience shows that seldomly these kinds of cases return to their significant others. But I am wishing you the best

Thank you for your response.

He finally messaged me yesterday and explained to me that since the almost 2 months since his mom's death, he hadn't been himself, which is obvious. He told me his work performance has been suffering, that he has "lost the fire in his belly" and that he has been pushing away others, not only myself. He said that he has started the process to slowly start climbing back up. I admire his strength and optimism, but I feel like he is on a delusional false "happy high" right now and it is only going to lead to vast "highs" and severe "lows". He also started agreeing with the break up and giving me really silly reasons as to why it wasn't going to work out anyway. When he started with that speech, I stopped him and told him "I understand what you're doing right now. You're trying to validate why you're pushing people/me away by making up reasons that don't even make sense. I get it. I do it all the time due to my fear of commitment and losing those closest to me. You make up all the excuses in the book why it won't work out so you have more reasons to push them away. Don't do that. Don't be me. It's very lonely being me sometimes. You are stronger than that. Those same people that you are pushing away are going to be the ones you will need the most when the time calls for it" To which he replied "Thank you. I appreciate that. I am trying to work on that".

I know he still has quite aways to go until the fog starts clearing a bit. I see it in the way he talks. It is totally not the same person and I knew that person was going to be gone as is the relationship we had. I am ok with that. I ended it when I did to salvage the great times we had so that if we do reconcile in the future, we won't look back on animosity and resentment that would have been created if I had stayed with him and pushed on. I think I have the "edge" on a lot of people in this aspect in that I took myself out of the picture when I saw it starting to turn sour and didn't push myself on him. I knew he wouldn't be able to give me what I deserve in a relationship at this point and I knew I couldn't offer him what he needed right now. Nobody can. What he needs is his mom and she is gone. He is going to have to find what makes him happy within HIMSELF. I have faith in him. I know he will do it. For now, all I can offer him is support when he needs it/asks for it and continue on with my life. I will still keep hope alive in my heart because so many people don't have that nowadays and I believe this is why a lot of the world is so miserable. I will not ask anything from him. I am giving him complete and total space to figure this out himself because NOBODY can figure it out for him. I hope one say he fully understands that I did this for him and possibly for "us".

I pray that all of you forgive the ones who broke your heart. I know I have. Just keep in mind that someone can't keep your heart whole when theirs has been smashed into a million pieces after such a devastating loss.

[Pollara]

Thank you for your response.

He finally messaged me yesterday and explained to me that since the almost 2 months since his mom's death, he hadn't been himself, which is obvious. He told me his work performance has been suffering, that he has "lost the fire in his belly" and that he has been pushing away others, not only myself. He said that he has started the process to slowly start climbing back up. I admire his strength and optimism, but I feel like he is on a delusional false "happy high" right now and it is only going to lead to vast "highs" and severe "lows". He also started agreeing with the break up and giving me really silly reasons as to why it wasn't going to work out anyway. When he started with that speech, I stopped him and told him "I understand what you're doing right now. You're trying to validate why you're pushing people/me away by making up reasons that don't even make sense. I get it. I do it all the time due to my fear of commitment and losing those closest to me. You make up all the excuses in the book why it won't work out so you have more reasons to push them away. Don't do that. Don't be me. It's very lonely being me sometimes. You are stronger than that. Those same people that you are pushing away are going to be the ones you will need the most when the time calls for it" To which he replied "Thank you. I appreciate that. I am trying to work on that".

I know he still has quite aways to go until the fog starts clearing a bit. I see it in the way he talks. It is totally not the same person and I knew that person was going to be gone as is the relationship we had. I am ok with that. I ended it when I did to salvage the great times we had so that if we do reconcile in the future, we won't look back on animosity and resentment that would have been created if I had stayed with him and pushed on. I think I have the "edge" on a lot of people in this aspect in that I took myself out of the picture when I saw it starting to turn sour and didn't push myself on him. I knew he wouldn't be able to give me what I deserve in a relationship at this point and I knew I couldn't offer him what he needed right now. Nobody can. What he needs is his mom and she is gone. He is going to have to find what makes him happy within HIMSELF. I have faith in him. I know he will do it. For now, all I can offer him is support when he needs it/asks for it and continue on with my life. I will still keep hope alive in my heart because so many people don't have that nowadays and I believe this is why a lot of the world is so miserable. I will not ask anything from him. I am giving him complete and total space to figure this out himself because NOBODY can figure it out for him. I hope one say he fully understands that I did this for him and possibly for "us".

I pray that all of you forgive the ones who broke your heart. I know I have. Just keep in mind that someone can't keep your heart whole when theirs has been smashed into a million pieces after such a devastating loss.

it was kind of the same with me. It really is admirable how all these cases have similarities. In my case, my guy didn't make any excuses at me, but he started making excuses to our common friends for the reasons of the breaking up. I don't believe he did them due to fear of commitment though. I believe that at that time he didn't want to accept to himself that he is grieving or that he is in depression. So he needed to have an excuse in order to believe himself that he isn't losing it. That there must be a reason that he is bored of everything including me. maybe when he will be fine he will see that these were excuses. maybe not. Maybe he has convinced himself that these were the reasons. Who knows.

I am sorry for all the things you are been going through though. You seem so understanding so it is kind of a pitty!

[kayc]

Sad Melly Delly,

You sound very wise and the words you spoke to him very sound. I truly believe the way we treat others will come back to us someday and I wish the best for you in your future, you deserve it!

[SadMellyDelly]

Thank you, kayc! I believe God has a lot in store for you considering all of the well thought out advice you provide to people looking for help.

[SadMellyDelly]

And here is some food for thought: when someone experiences such a devastating loss, a lot of the time they will look for something to fill that terrible and painful void. Sort of like being a drug addict. There comes a time when that drug doesn't do what it's "supposed" to do anymore and that void doesn't seem to be getting any better. The addict then moves on to something stronger/different to achieve that "high" or to "feel better". If we try to stick it out and be strong for our partners after they have suffered a significant loss , we run the risk of unconsciously doing more harm than good. In their devastated state, you might not be making them "feel better" so they might assume it's your fault why they are still sad. If you are still in the early stages after a death, give them that space. Don't make it about the relationship. The relationship is probably the last thing on their mind at the moment. Let them know you are around if they need to talk. Don't offer help. Let them ask for it (especially if it's a guy. Us ladies know how they can be). They are the ones that are supposed to be the "problem solvers". Let him work it out in any way he deems fit. Don't intrude. Don't pressure. Right now it's all about THEM. They have every right to be selfish right now for as long as they need.

[CoCoa]

Hi SadMellyDelly,

I am also new to this site, I just joined today after reading here for about a week. Our stories are very much the same as I was in a new relationship with my guy and his mother was dying when we met, she passed July 16th. She had a stroke 2 years ago and never recovered and like you I had never met her until going to the viewing and funeral. I will post my detailed story in a separate post.

After my guy texted this I went complete no contact : "You are my deep down inside... You are a beautiful woman with a lot of class... I'm hurting inside and need some time stay strong and brilliant you are it.....Let your sway show!!! His birthday was last Saturday and he spent it with friends, I was excluded. It hurt so badly...I will be there for him if he needs but I can't stand the feeling of rejection if I call or text and he does not respond. As much as I pray things will go back to the way it was...I used to get such a high when were dating and how he lit up when he saw me, that was gone the last time I saw him, he would not make eye contact and looked like a completely different person.

My heart goes out to all of you who are going through this....this is a first for me and at 50yrs old I truly saw him as another chance at love. Be easy on yourselves and TAKE CARE OF YOU. It's hard and it HURTS but we will come through it stronger and wiser.

[SadMellyDelly]

Hey CoCoa and welcome! Even though these aren't the most welcoming of situations at the moment.

I understand your pain and hurt. We all do. But what you have to realize is his pain is way deeper. He did you a favour by calling the relationship off as soon as he did, probably because he knew he wouldn't be able to offer you what you deserve at the moment. Very very brave and strong man he is . If he is telling you he needs time/space, give it to him. Don't pester him. That will do more damage than good. He is very emotional/sensitive right now and anything that he takes as disrespecting his wishes will set him over the edge. Like I said above, let them grieve/heal in whatever way THEY want to. If he wants to go out with his friends and not invite you, so be it. The quicker they deal with the grief their way, hopefully the quicker they will heal. He clearly thinks very highly of you with the lovely words he used to describe you. Take that, lock it in your heart, and "let go with love". Let him go for now with love in your heart. If you get a chance at reconciliation later, you don't want to look back with animosity and resentment. I know that when I think back on everything I experienced with my guy in a short time, I smile. I do not have a single negative thing to say about him. I "let go with love". This is SO important. It's not about "how could he reject me/do this to me/disrespect me" etc etc etc. I think the majority of the time they don't really understand what they are doing right now because they are grieving. Basically we aren't important right now. And you know what? That's OK! What they are going through right now is WAY more important. It's time for us to stop being so selfish and thinking "how COULD he?!". No no. It's "How could WE be so damn selfish and worry about where our relationship is going at this point". Let's worry about ourselves right now and focus on becoming the best we can be.

P.s. CoCoa you made a mention of praying that things would go back to the way they were. Things will never go back to the way they were. That person you fell for is forever changed but that doesn't necessarily mean that the person who he will become after all is said and done won't be just as amazing stay strong and God bless you

[CoCoa]

SadMellyDelly,

We truly have the very same thoughts about this, "let go with love". I have nothing bad to say about my guy either he was an impeccable gentleman, kind and very caring the entire time we dated even after his mom passed he really did try to stay connected to me. I could see the hurt and pain in his beautiful green eyes the last time we spoke and he even apologized for being so down. He has a very big heart and that is one of the things I adore about him. I went complete no contact except for our friendship on Facebook, we don't post or like each other's post e any more but I think he may be sending me indirect messages there....last night he posted a very romantic song and I just smiled. Every memory I have of him makes me know we will always be friends at the very least, he is an amazing man!

It's funny as much as I miss talking to him and seeing him I feel peace in knowing I am honoring his wishes by giving him what be needs right now. About a week after his mom passed he gave me a beautiful gift to thank me for being so supportive during the pass few months...I knew it came from his heart and that he was truly grateful. I know he will never be the same but if he remains half the man I came to know he will be better than most.

Thank you for you kind words and GOD BLESS YOUR HEART because I know I it feels to be in your shoes, but like you said this is not about us they are hurting much more than we can ever imagine. Stay strong and keep praying God hears you....CoCoa

[kayc]

My best to both of you, I know how hard this is as I've been through it. SadMellyDelly, you are very wise for such a young person, it took me a lot of time and experiences to learn these things. And you too, Cocoa. A lot of us found it difficult not to personalize when they rejected us, and the pain was tremendous. I wouldn't compare losses and say their loss was more tremendous as each loss hurts and everyone's situation is different, but in most cases, the loss of a parent is more profound for a longer period of time than the loss of a boyfriend, even if you were engaged. We seem to move on eventually whereas the loss of a parent seems to last for life. You're right, the person is never the same again.

[Pollara]

Well like you CoCoa and SadMellyDelly, I don't also have anything bad to say about my guy and it almost have been 7 months after the death. What I really cannot understand or probably never understand, since I don't hold any hopes anymore is why he doesn't answer to my texts that I am sending him once in 1,5-months.

If you read my post I really was thinking like you ladies and even taking pieces of advice from some psychologist friends I have. After 7 months of the incident and 3 months of not being together I came to the conclusion that everything is bull sh*t. What I learnt from this story was nothing but to never trust nobody again. Well I always had this tendency of being suspicious and it took me a lot of time to even trust this guy. But I let my guards down. In any case, I really cannot understand how a guy that says that I did him a lot of good and that he will always love me forever (and he is not a womanizer) can completely cut me off of his life and doesn't answer to any of my messages. Then why doesn't he just delete me from his chat if he has decided that he will never speak to me again. I really don't get it how he can talk with all his exes (except from his previous one who are on bad terms) and not to me, that I didn't do anything bad at him and I was trying to be patient and waiting? I mean, it isn't that I am sending him everyday or even once in a week. I sent a message 1.5 month after we break up to see how he is and one after 2 months of this message. would it be so bad to be kind? I know that he answers on chat and on texts etc so why am I only me that he doesn't answer?

What I learnt from this story is that everyone cares only about himself. And in the end it is the same with me. I so much wanted to tell him what he did to me and how awful I felt but no I cannot.

[kayc]

Pollara,

I can't answer why he hasn't responded because I don't get it either. Jim didn't LET me be there for him as he went through the end days caring for his mom but he let his neighbors, friends, even ex-wife help him! That really hurt and I don't get it. Yeah he resumed contact after she died, but not our relationship, and it's been over three years since he broke up with me. I also learned not to trust...not that no one should, but that I can't seem to and don't want to. I don't even date. I will be friends with a guy but I hold them at arms length...this isn't my only heartbreak, but it is my last straw. I like having peace in my life and not drama, so I've decided to wing it on my own...but then I'm older (nearly 61), if I were in my 20s it'd be different as I wanted a family. I've resigned myself to living alone the rest of my life. It's not that I'm opposed to having someone in my life, I just don't believe it will happen again and I do NOT want to do what it would take to find someone. I had love once and he died...that's my kind of luck.

To the rest of you, I wish you better lives, moving on, finding someone more worthy of you, suitable for you, and may the best be yet to come!

[SadMellyDelly]

Pollara:

Only he knows why he isn't responding. Nobody can answer that for you unfortunately. Maybe he doesn't want to message you because he doesn't want to get your hopes up? Maybe he's not ready to give you what you want and he knows he has already hurt you so much? Maybe after the death he put his life in perspective and didn't see you in his future? Nobody knows. I do know one thing: there are no time limits on these things. Everyone grieves differently. Maybe they let others come around them because there are no emotional connections involved with them? Please don't let this effect your trust in people. It's not like he cheated on you or assaulted you. This is a very special circumstance.

And to follow up on the negativity of "from my experience, nobody gets back together after something like this": that's not always true. How many people will return to a forum for grief over a loss relationship if they have happily reconciled with a loved one? Not many. In my earlier days of heartbreak before I decided to "let go and let God" I happened across a couple of forums with actual happy endings. One woman was with a guy for 3 months, his mom passed and there wasn't much of a bond to keep the relationship going after that so they broke up... And got back together a year later. Another story there was a woman who was with a man for 3.5 years. Same scenario, he took a death hard and they broke up. Back together 7 months later. There was a woman who experienced both sides. 6 months in, bf loses his mom. They took a breather (not sure for how long) and he showed up on her doorstep. 4 years later, she loses her mom and she tells him she has nothing to give to the relationship so they go on a break. Barely spoke for 4 months and she started contacting him again. It happens. More often than we think. In no way am I trying to give false hope and I am a firm believer in moving on after a break up but you have to let go of any and all resentment you might feel to your ex. Law of attraction for those who don't believe in God. You get back what you put out. Why would someone want to come back if they feel that person might still be angry at them? Let go with love. Don't be angry at them. Close your eyes and say (from your heart) "I forgive you fully for ...." And then say "I hope that you can forgive me for ....". I'm not saying this will make your ex come running back to you but with love and forgiveness in your heart you have a better chance of attracting a stronger more "ready" ex back into your life or someone even more compatible for you

[Pollara]

Yeah I would fully understand if he cannot see me in his future, but then why he just don't delete me from his chat contacts? And also, he is not the kind of guy who doesn't speak to his exes since as mentioned he is friend with almost all of them. You don't want someone in your future if he is an enemy or if he has done something really bad to you. And I believe that you can answer to someone and let him/her know that s/he doesn't have any hopes. This goes to the point of rudeness.

I really believe that hope and belief in him were the things that "killed" me. If I hadn't any hope or belief in him, I would have already broken up when the incident happen. Then I could have just blame myself because I just couldn't handle it. If he had cheated me, believe me it would have been better for me. Because he would have already shattered my illusion. I don't know, for me the good memories are very troublesome and I cannot cherish them. They can only bring me unhappiness and sadness. I have been through break ups and NEVER felt like that. I had searched inumerous forums and also read those happy ending stories. I also had the same belief back then, that people won't return to write about their happy ending story. But no, these were the things that really delayed my healing.

Well as you mention KayC I just want a peaceful life. I never was the drama queen type. And since I don't want a family I will also prefer to stay away from men, at least not get serious with them. I know it is unfair to treat someone in an unfair way because someone else treated you unfair, but I cannot commit to someone. Of course I won't give false hopes or something. I am very honest to tell people lies and playing with their feelings.

Sorry I might sound bitter, but I really took a lesson from it. I know that my relationship wasn't even settled. And it's not that I am so angry about him. At least I don't have shown any angriness towards him. It is me I am speaking to him and he doesn't reply. It is more like he is angry at me for no apparent reason.

[kayc]

True.

[CoCoa]

Pollara,

I can't answer why he hasn't responded because I don't get it either. Jim didn't LET me be there for him as he went through the end days caring for his mom but he let his neighbors, friends, even ex-wife help him! That really hurt and I don't get it. Yeah he resumed contact after she died, but not our relationship, and it's been over three years since he broke up with me. I also learned not to trust...not that no one should, but that I can't seem to and don't want to. I don't even date. I will be friends with a guy but I hold them at arms length...this isn't my only heartbreak, but it is my last straw. I like having peace in my life and not drama, so I've decided to wing it on my own...but then I'm older (nearly 61), if I were in my 20s it'd be different as I wanted a family. I've resigned myself to living alone the rest of my life. It's not that I'm opposed to having someone in my life, I just don't believe it will happen again and I do NOT want to do what it would take to find someone. I had love once and he died...that's my kind of luck.

To the rest of you, I wish you better lives, moving on, finding someone more worthy of you, suitable for you, and may the best be yet to come!

KayC,

I understand your lack of trust, I am right there with you....Love can happen at anytime so I remain hopeful that it will find me again. This is how I am making it through my days, I have NO EXPECTATIONS that my guy will return to me, Actually I have told myself he will not and that I must keep living my life like I did the day before I met him. I have a very full and active life at 50, I go dancing, have my own business and I am a freelance writer for a small greeting card company, I don't sit still long. I have gone on one date since the break and am very open to meeting and dating new men. I have had my heart broken several times yet I trust in the beauty of true love....I JUST KNOW IT IS OUT THERE FOR ME...and for you and Pollara. I will always love and adore my guy no matter what and I know he feels the same....bad timing for us for the second time in this life but who knows, maybe 3 times will be the charm. I am not waiting to find out because I may miss my true BLESSING by being sad and shut in because I am grieving a lost love to grief. I remain positive and "let go with LOVE". Hey 50 is the new 30,,,,,

Be gentle with yourselves....CoCoa

[kayc]

Well my GF is falling in love at age 67 and didn't expect it so I guess you never know! I don't like dating and am happy whether I ever find someone or not, I look forward to grandchildren and whatever lies ahead...I don't view couplehood as the ultimate, I've learned to be alone, it's been eight years since my beloved husband died and I had a great love with him. I've tried twice since and just don't want to any more. Good luck to you, perhaps it will come when you least expect it!