I Lost My Partner Of 17 Years To Suicide

[sap67]

In August 2013, she finally gave in to her demons. She was an alcoholic; I was not. We always had a hard time seeing eye to eye on how to have a good time because of this.

In January she lost her job; a major blow to her ego, however not the first time. But she was a hard worker. This time it was a personality conflict with a new boss. The new boss won. She searched for a new job but got no where. She'd get pumped up about an interview; but no response.

I took her to Australia on a trip of a lifetime for me. Thought it would clear her mind; thought it would rekindle our romance. But, she was somewhere else inside her head. She drank to excess after a little while of being "good." I ended up having to watch out for her rather than relax and enjoy. It was disappointing.

She was not the same person anymore. She was never happy; she was beaten down. Not having a job made her drink more and more. We argued constantly. I resented her choosing alcohol over me and our time together. But, I made a commitment, I would never leave. I would support her through thick and thin. This was not the first time.

She would call me out and say that I shouldn't be with her because I was successful and I deserved better. But she also said that I didn't appreciate the things that she did to show her love.

So our final weekend in August together, she made dinner for us on a Friday night and I ended up getting home late because of traffic. I was in a bad mood and things didn't start well. I was not a very loving person, I'll admit. I could tell when I talked to her on the way home that she'd been drinking already. This only ticked me off more. I usually had the attitude that the evening was a goner if that was the case. We didn't talk much that night; kept away from each other.

The next day we spent in the pool. We had fun talking about our dog's first birthday party and what we'd do. We admired our garden and I was affectionate in the pool. But as the afternoon wore on, she began to drink. She then wanted to start a fire in the pit. I had gone in the house and came out to smell something different and then saw a huge fire in the pit. Come to find out she had used a lot of fire starter. She was definitely buzzed because she normally wouldn't do this.

She then cooked dinner on the grill only to run out of gas. She ran out to get more gas. Yes, she drove to the gas station buzzed to get more gas. Not something she hadn't done before. She had to go out a second time because she also ran out of beer. Who knows what else she bought.

So she came back and continued to cook us dinner. We sat down to eat, but she didn't eat much. I called her out and said, "oh you don't want to eat because you want to drink your dinner?" Of course this pissed her off. She stopped eating all together and continued feeding the fire. I went inside and watched tv. She came in a while later and said, "I'm going to bed." She had her bottle of Ambien in her hand so I questioned why she needed it if she'd been drinking. She got pissed at me for bugging me about questioning her and said, "Why does it matter? Maybe I'll just take the whole bottle?" I said, "Quit being stupid. Quit Threatening. You're being ridiculous." She took it ask if I was calling her bluff; which I was not. So, she said, "Oh, you don't think I'll do it? I've been wanting to do this for a long time." And then she poured some pills in her hand and popped them in her mouth. "How many did you take?" I pleaded. She didn't know. I kept asking. So I told her I was going to take her to the hospital. She said no. "I'll never get a job then." I then said that "I was going to call an ambulance." She again was concerned about her future employability. So I said she had to get dressed and go with me. Reluctantly, she started changing. But then she started saying that she could make herself throw up. So I figured so little time had passed, this would be the answer. So, she drank saltwater and threw up 4 times. I saw it. Next thing I knew she wanted to go to sleep on the bathroom floor. For as much as she had thrown up, I thought she'd be ok to just sleep it off there. She'd slept on the bathroom floor, basement floor, hallway floor, etc...

About 3 hours later after I went to bed, I woke up and had to go to the washroom. I opened the bedroom door and saw her in the same position, but she was discolored. I moved her hair from her face and it was purple. She had vomited at some point and her hand was sitting in it for a while. I ran and got the phone and called 911 and they had me start CPR. She was still alive, but barely. I tried with all my might to get her to breath but all I could get her to do was bubble. The paramedics came and they did CPR and got the same results. They took her out to the ambulance, as they were going out, her IV popped out of her arm and blood was squirting everywhere. The sheriffs department kept me back for questioning; wanted to make sure there wasn't any foul play. I never got to go to the hospital with her. I found out 3 hours later that she died at the hospital - all alone.

I still don't know exactly what she died from. Initially they've said it was a cardiac event. However we are still waiting for the final autopsy results. Over 3 months later. This is not allowing me to get much closure. I am going through so much not only feeling so much guilt for arguing with her but also for not taking her to the hospital - for listening to her. But, this was just typical behavior for her; another Saturday night. I never, ever expected for it to end like this. I miss her like crazy

[feralfae]

Dear Sap7,

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot imagine how terrible this time has been for you, and how much you are longing for a bit of closure so that you can perhaps find a healing path as you begin your grief journey.

I hope you have family and friends, and perhaps a church group or social group where you can share your grief and feel supported and loved. There are probably grief support groups in your area. I found that seeing a grief counselor once or twice a week was tremendously helpful for me after my Doug left. And the support and compassion I have found here has kept me going, helped to heal me, and lifted me out of some very dark places.

I hope you are taking good care of yourself, and getting enough sleep, staying hydrated, eating healthy foods, and reaching out to others to give you emotional support and comfort through these days.

I know others here give you some suggestions on making your way thorough this Valley of the Shadow. We will do our best to hold you in our hearts as you heal.

Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[MartyT]

My friend, my heart hurts for you as I read your tragic story. I am so sorry. There are so many complicating factors here that I can only hope and pray that you're not trying to deal with this all by yourself. While it's good to know that you've found your way to this warm and caring place, and I know you always will feel welcome here, I also think you need and deserve the additional support you will find with a grief counselor ~ and preferably one who understands addiction to alcohol and who specializes in traumatic loss. I don't know how much you know about alcoholism or if you've ever attended an Al-Anon meeting, but I strongly encourage you to investigate some of the many resources "out there" to help you better understand exactly what happened here, including what part if any you think you may have played in this tragedy.

You might begin by reading my article: Surviving a Spouse's Suicide.

Visit the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors (one of several sites listed on the Suicide Loss page of the Grief Healing website).

See also GRASP - Grief Recovery After a Substance Passing, "founded to help provide sources of help, compassion and most of all, understanding for families or individuals who have had a loved one die as a result of substance abuse or addiction."

You'll find many other resources listed on the Addictions page.

You deserve all the information and support you can find, my friend, and I hope you know that we'll do all we can to help you find it. ♥

[kayc]

I am so sorry to learn about the loss of your partner. The missing them continues but we get better at coping/adjusting with time and effort. I do hope you realize this is not your fault, and had it not happened then, it's likely it would have happened some time, whether you were there or not. Alcoholism is something you can't do anything about, only she could have. It's hard to know her intentions, if she really intended to die or whether she wanted attention, but it was her action that brought it about, not yours. All couples squabble some time or another, just most don't end this way. It might help you to get grief counseling, sometimes a counselor can help guide you through the maze of grief and all that goes with it. It's common to feel guilt after losing someone, we rethink everything and think "if only I'd contacted a doctor sooner", "if only I'd urged them this way or that way"...but the truth is, they're grown ups and responsible for their own actions.

You're welcome to post here, any time, someone's nearly always here to listen and share thoughts, and I've found it really helps to voice myself. I felt like my power had been stripped from me when my husband died, after all, no one asked my input about him dying! Voicing ourselves is a way of taking some of our power back.

Wishing you the best...

[Wifflesnook]

I am so very very sorry for your awful situation, which you bore so stoically and it seems to me you were so supportive. I can only echo what the others say. You really need counselling. Most of us here have had some and though it doesn't take the pain away it helps to talk to someone. Jan

[sap67]

Thank you all for your comments. I am getting help from my psychologist of 8 years. I found her when my Mother passed away. I know that this will be a long process. I am just trying to get the news reel to stop playing over and over in my head.

I go into the Christmas holidays just dreading them. Since my Mother's passing, they've not been the same. I hate them. I wish we could just plain skip them. But in my job, I have to play this role, as if life is good and all peachy keen. It's exhausting.

I just want all this grieving and pain not to hurt so so much...

[feralfae]

Dear Sap67,

It is good to hear from you, even in your pain. These days are so very painful for us all, and I cannot imagine the news reel that is playing in your head and heart. I am so sorry for this difficult and painful time for you, and for the moments you are reliving right now.

I am glad you are seeing someone to help you sort out so much that you have going on. There are also grief counselors who specialize in helping us through the worst of the pain and loss, and you might talk with your psychologist to find out if this might be a helpful addition for you.

Please come here and let us know how you are doing, as I know that being in a position where you need to keep up appearances is not easy through these days.

Blessings,

fae

[kayc]

I too am glad you have a psychologist to talk to and get help from. I'm sorry you have to play a role at work, I know how that is, and it's very tough. It will be over soon, just another week or so.

It is good to express yourself to someone you feel safe with, it lends power back when you've had power stripped from you...that's how I felt when my husband died, and that safe place for me has been here.

[sap67]

We just found out that there was a toxic mix of codeine, morphine, ambien, and alcohol in her system. I understand that the codeine can sit in your body long enough that it will appear as morphine in a blood test. I know she had a prescription to hydrocodone. But, she didn't have access to morphine.

Anyway, I gave her brother the results. It's as if he had never believed his sister had ever even drank. He started blaming me for everything. I should have had better control over her. I should have known what she was taking. I should have reached out and told other people if I couldn't handle her which obviously I couldn't. As her partner, I was responsible for her. I asked him who was responsible for him? He said he was. I said well there you go. He followed up with but if I start drinking too much, my wife tells me. I could tell her 'til I was blue in the face, she wouldn't listen. Her family knew. They're alcoholics too. They're just trying to point fingers at someone to be responsible for this tragedy. It was their own sister. Her own negligence. What a waste of a life.

[MartyT]

With regard to casting blame, I agree with you completely, my friend, and I hope you will take to heart your own words as you've written them here. I also hope the day will come when everyone involved in this tragedy will come to some sort of peace with it and find a way to forgive everyone involved, including your partner who died. This is why it can be so helpful to seek professional understanding and support ~ or, at the very least, the sort of peer support you will find from AA and Al-Anon.

[kayc]

I agree, you are not responsible for her, only for yourself.