Further Up And Further In.

[Emunah]

Friends,

I recently discovered this site, and have been blessed to read many encouraging posts. It is profoundly encouraging to experience the bereaved supporting the bereaved. Thank you.

I am in my early twenties and my fiance passed away at the end of this past June. I was aware he had a terminal illness before we started dating; yet, I defied my higher faculties falling serendipitously in love with this sagacious young man, whose body was ravaged by a lifetime of consecutive illnesses. We were an unlikely pair to behold. I toward a lanky eleven inches over him. He, with a twinkle in his eye and a wry smile, would inform me that, "You are the muscles of the relationship, but I have the broad emotional shoulders", and so he did.Trying to describe my fiance, would be as futile as attempting to bottle sunlight or measure a mother's love. We had nine glorious months together. 42 weeks too few. He needed a second double-lung transplant, but his body eventually succumbed to the infections that had gone septic.

I naively hoped my love could fix his broken body; that The Powers That Be would acknowledge our love, and prolong the snipping of that fine golden thread. The Fates were not amenable, and I was haphazardly confronted by the deafening scream of silence. And unwillingly ushered into the presence of the additional face of Joy; that unsavory and repugnant countenance, marred by disillusion and pain. Oh Joy, you inevitable via dolorosa. "But, this I call to mind and therefore I have Hope..."

How does one begin to think about the future in the wake of the shattered remnants of a future that was deeply desired but will never be? Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Emunah

[kayc]

Emunah,

I am so sorry your time withyour beloved was cut so short! It took me a lifetime to find my husband, just to lose him 6 1/2 years after meeting him, we were only married 3 years, 8 months...all too short. I have learned it is not length of time that determines the depth of the grief, but rather the quality of the love...and I grieve him just as someone who has spent 50 years together. I am sure it is the same for you. It sounds like you had an amazing relationship! Such a rare gem to find.

I try not to go into the future too deep, finding it easier to deal with the present. One thing I have learned is that energy doesn't cease to exist, but rather changes form, that gives me hope that I will meet my George again, in another time beyond this one. If I could be held by him once again, all would be right with the world!

I don't think you could have NOT fallen in love with your young man, nor do I think you wish it away...the price for loving is this pain with loss, but to me, I would gladly do it over, for those were the happiest moments of my life.

I just learned tonight that my BIL has kidney cancer...they need to remove his kidney, and will check the other one next week. He's decided not to do dialysis, opting for end of life measures instead. My sister is very upset and feels should he do that that he would be abandoning her. It's a hard situation. Oh that life did not deal such blows!

[mfh]

Dear Emunah,

I am so very sorry for your loss. The two of you bravely faced the toughest experience that confronts a couple. I am just so sorry.

You asked about how you face the future. My first response to that question is almost always...one day at a time. The pain, the sadness, the loss and grief are as deep as your love and they are signs of the love you shared. We walk through that pain as it bubbles up in us each day knowing and trusting that over time and with work you will carry this loss with greater acceptance and ease and slowly create a new life that will honor what you had with your fiance and the love you shared.

You have been reading posts, you said, and you are seeing how all of us (including me...I lost my husband almost four years ago) support each other on this painful trek and you are seeing what the journey is like and how it differs for everyone. I urge you to continue to educate yourself by reading posts and books and articles so that you can better understand grief and loss and are prepared to a greater degree...never completely because grief journeys have their twists and turns and uniqueness. Please know you are welcome here and we will walk with you, support you and embrace you.

I also want to comment on your lovely use of words and imagery...you have quite a talent with writing.

Peace

mary

[Emunah]

KayC-

Thank you for your sincere empathy. I am also very sorry that you had such a short time with your George. It feels so wrong to have a deep relationship with an individual, and then to have them taken away. My heart goes out to your sister concerning your brother-in-law’s Kidney cancer. What a hard decision to make, opting not to do dialysis. My Fiancee’s kidneys failed, which led to him being ineligible for another lung transplant. We opted not to do dialysis. That was the most excruciating decision of my entire life. It felt like we were giving up, and it has been a difficult decision to emotionally reconcile. I hope that your sister and BIL have a good support system for the days ahead.

Sometimes I find that other peoples losses or circumstances cause me to relive my trauma. I know that my loss is still very recent. I am not sure how long it has been since you lost George, but do you or have you struggled with being able to truly be empathetic for others due to reliving your own trauma?

I enjoyed your philosophy on energy changing forms, and in turn being reunited with your husband. It is a beautiful amalgamation of science and spirituality. I never would have thought to apply the Theory of Relativity in that way.

I appreciate that you took the time to respond.

Sincerely,

Emunah

[MartyT]

Emunah, my dear, your comment about energy changing forms reminds me of this insightful explanation, which you might find helpful:

Spiritual connections, sometimes called “continuing bonds,” “loving connections,” or “continuing relationships,” provide a way for us to include a loved one who has died in our life through the creation of symbols, images, and signs that are both powerful and essential for their continuing survival. It is clear that the death of a loved one does not end a relationship. Whether or not this relationship is transformed to a spiritual one, our loved ones are not forgotten just because they are no longer in their physical bodies. We talk about them, miss them, and most of us even find ourselves talking to them. However, creating a spiritual connection with them involves taking the relationship on a new path, just as if they had reached a new developmental stage in life and we’d need to find a new way to connect with them. A spiritual or loving connection is a different kind of relationship, but one that at times is even stronger than the one we had with them when they were on Earth. Our spiritual connection doesn’t die with our loved ones. How could it? Our energy is derived from God or, as some say, from Spirit, and returns to God. Just because we’d no longer have a physical body, how could it be that we wouldn’t continue to be a loved one? How could these connections not be Spirit-given?

To continue an explanation of our loved one’s transformation, think of it this way. Take an ice cube out of your freezer and put it on the sidewalk. After a time, you will see a little puddle of water and the ice cube is no longer there. Again, more time passes and what happens to the puddle? Can you see it any longer? Does it make sense to you to say that it has disappeared and it no longer exists? Most of us would say that the water was in solid form when it was ice, in liquid form when it was the puddle, and in gas form when it evaporated from the sidewalk. It may be a bit of a stretch to think of human life in this way, but it may help to know that the water from the ice cube is still as real as your loved one is. It just is in another form.

For healthy after-death connections, the relationship with our loved one must be reorganized and the loss assimilated in a way so that there is an openness for the communications to be heard, felt, and sometimes even seen. When this is accomplished, we will find hopefulness and be able to make a commitment to have our loved one be a part of our present and future without losing the past. Whatever connection is made – whether through a sign, symbol, thought, dream, or doing an act in the loved one’s name – it is this loving connection that seems to help us look toward the future and be willing to enter into life again.

[source: Surviving and Thriving: Grief Relief and Continuing Relationships, © 2008 by Jane Bissler, Deneene Florino & Sara Ruble, pp. 23-24]

[mfh]

Marty, this is a very helpful post for folks...and the source will be a good one for many to use. I am in total agreement with all you have said here.

Emunah, I talk to my Bill every single day. I do believe he is here with me in spirit...where else would he be? When I feel lost or lonely, I still turn to him and I believe he hears my pain and thoughts. Our relationship has not and never will end. It has taken a while to get to this point but I know I am not without Bill as I live my life. And you are not alone either. I have read many many life after life books and they have helped me along with the faith I grew up with couple with all of the research that is bringing science and spirituality to a place of agreement.

[kayc]

Very well put, Marty!

Emunah,

I have since had some good news with my BIL, the doctor was wrong, it is not cancerous, they will be able to remove the tumor and he won't lose his kidney/s. I wish all could have such a happy ending, and although I know they will someday still have to face immortality and possibly separation by death, I'm glad for now that they have a reprieve.

George passed 8 1/2 years ago, I don't think it ever made me unable to empathize, if anything, it helped me understand what others are going through. I do understand, however, when you are newly going through your grief, it is hard to see/focus on anything else, it is all consuming, and that may be what you are finding true for you. That is true for at least the first year, and probably the first two or three, at least for me and many others I've known. Eventually we regain at least some of our focus, if not all, but for me, it took way long.

I do believe my George is with me, I hear his voice inside of me (not audibly), the things he would say or has said, his spirit of encouragement and understanding and comfort are with me always, and it gets me through everything I tackle in life. I do have faith we will be together again in more than just this present form and that helps me not despair. Still, it is hard being without his physical presence right now!!

[Emunah]

Marty,

When I read your post concerning spiritual connections I felt a sense of relief. It validated a deep desire to still have some level of connection with my fiance. I have struggled with frustration and confusion concerning why G-d would ask us to invest so fully in another human being, simply to have it end in irreparable dissolution. I have always trusted that I would see him again- this may sound silly and irrational- but I mourned the loss of the nature of our relationship in this life, fearing that in a redeemed state he may not even desire to be friends.

kayc and mfh, thank you for also sharing your own thoughts and experiences in this regard. They were also very helpful and encouraging.

I have found that there are few people who are comfortable talking about my fiance, and the people who are comfortable are usually the ones who have experienced loss. I desire to share memories and talk about him, but I do not want to make people uncomfortable. The common response is for the pallor to drain from an individual’s face, eyes turn down, lips purse, and a general restlessness settles over his or her demeanor. I quickly change the subject to inconsequential trivialities such as, “So...that Polar Vortex was a doozy...”. Part of me becomes frustrated. If I was full of more piss and vinegar and less prudence, I would say, “Yes, I know he is dead, BUT HE EXISTED.” Do any of you have any thoughts to share on why people feel uncomfortable talking about the deceased, helpful ways to process my frustration, and how to respond graciously to others?

I very appreciative that you all have taken time to thoughtfully consider my questions, and share your experiences.

Best Regards,

Emunah

[MartyT]

My dear Emunah, unfortunately the frustration you feel at the insensitivity of others is not at all uncommon in grief.

You may find this post to be helpful, along with some of the Related Articles listed at its base:

Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations

[kayc]

I guess I spoke too soon about my BIL...just got the news that they won't be able to do the robotic surgery, they'll have to cut him open and they may remove part of his kidney, they won't know what all they'll do until they open him up. Back to feeling scared.

Emunah, I'm glad Marty was able to help you, she is a vast resource of information! We have had threads before on the subject of stupid things people say and do when we're grieving. I think it's something most of us have experienced.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry to learn that news about your brother-in-law, Kay, and your fears are completely understandable. We will keep him (and you) in our thoughts and prayers ♥

[Emunah]

Kay- I am very sorry to hear about your brother-in-law. I hope and pray that his surgery goes well.

Thank you Marty for the article, I found it very helpful.

I attended a grief support group held in my community for the past two weeks. There were just about as many leaders present as there were group members. The group is video based, so we watch a twenty minute video and then broke out into discussion groups. In my discussion group there were five group members and four leaders. It did not seem like there had been much collaboration between leaders. One leader asked questions, and the other leaders jumped to answer the questions. A couple times a few group members ventured to answer questions, and were quickly interrupted by a leader who wanted to share an anecdote or a it of advice. I left feeling frustrated and discouraged. I realized I had expectations of how I had hoped the group would be lead, and that was not the case. I don't want to give up on the group just yet, but I do not know if it would be appropriate for me to say something to the group leaders. Does anyone have any thoughts or experiences where something similar happened, and maybe something that they or someone else did that was helpful?

Sincerely,

Emunah

[mfh]

Dear Emunah,

I am so sorry you had such a frustrating experience at the grief support group. I suggest you contact the main leader and share your concerns with that person. Your description makes me wonder if this was a support group for those grieving or a discussion group for anyone interested in discussing grief and videos.I am glad you are not giving up on it but a chat with the leader will probably let you know if you wish to continue or find another group that is more to what we consider a standard support group. I imagine you had in mind a circle of 10 or 12 people with one, maybe two, leaders sharing pain, stories, suggestions. There are great videos out there and the use of them can be extremely helpful but how they are then used in the group makes a world of difference.

Good for you for seeking out the support of a group. Now the challenge is to make sure it is the right one for you.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Yes, I hope you do not give up, Mary offered some excellent advice, I would do the same. I'm sorry that time was so disappointing to you. When I think of a group, I think of ten people and one leader, and some direction being given to the group, but time for each to share. It should be a time when you can feel someone understands you and gets what you're going through, otherwise, what is the point? It should have some gentle suggestions here and there that will help you as you journey through this new life that is now yours, and it should come not only from the leader, but others traipsing through this journey.

I haven't given an update on my BIL because it keeps changing. He's seen more doctors and they keep changing what they plan on doing. He won't have his surgery for about a month I think, although I don't have an exact date.

[MartyT]

I'm sorry, too, that your group experience didn't turn out as you had hoped. As Mary and Kay have suggested, there are many different types of grief support groups, and sometimes it takes a bit of hunting until you find just the right fit. I don't know what alternatives are available in your own community, but before you look elsewhere you might want to do a bit of reading so you'll have a better idea of what you're looking for in a support group. For example, see:

Finding the Grief Support Group For Me

Grief Support Group Didn't Help -- Now What?

Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You

Grief Support Groups: What Are the Benefits?

[Emunah]

Thank you all for your encouragement and advice. The articles were helpful. They helped provide some direction. I wasn't able to make it to the group last week, but I am going to try again this week. I am hoping the dynamics smooth out a little bit, and maybe after a report is built things will be better. Although, I might mention something to the main leader if after a few sessions the breakout leaders continue to shut people down. Maybe I just don't thrive in a large group setting currently. I appreciated your input.

-Emunah-

[kayc]

Let us know how it goes...sometimes things can be off one night and then again, it might be as you say. I do hope you are able to derive some comfort from knowing you are not alone, that there are others going through this too.