How To Address This.....

[sinc86]

A couple of weeks ago I was told by a 'friend' of mine that I was going backwards and needed help. Well, ever since then, she will send me text messages that tell me all about what she's doing that she's so busy or that she's not feeling well, or whatever. To me, obviously she is holding me at bay - is how I'm feeling. By the way - she lives 3 doors down from me.

Reality is - I really don't care if she and I ever talk again. Because a conversation with her would put me in the defense mode....which is my greatest outward weakness in this journey. But I find her texts simply annoying.

Anyway - why do people do stuff like this? Basically pass judgement on another *like they care* and walk away never to return? Do they not get that it DOESN'T HELP?!??!

Is it too harsh to write something back, that I know she's busy and so am I - - she doesn't have to explain herself? How do I write that in a politically correct way?

Meanwhile - on to HOW I AM DOING.....Last week I got a new electric piano and playing piano has always been soothing for me. I sit down and play it when I feel the need and it does help me. Last week the first time I sat down with it - I played the old hymns that I knew growing up and that my parents loved. I cried all the way through my dad's favorite hymn. I also talked to my *new* pastor and we had a very good conversation. Church and devotions have always been a part of my life, and a part I've fallen away from - - and the last few days I have sat down and done devotions and I have been so calm.

It is a heck of a journey I'm on....but I'm doing what I can to get through it.

Maybe none of this makes sense and maybe I shouldn't even write it on here....but that's what is on my mind today.

[mfh]

I am sorry your neighbor is sending texts that annoy you. The truth is there are lots and lots of people out there who just do not get it...very often those folks are even family and good friends. Their intentions might be good, who is to say, but they say hurtful things sometimes. I would just text that person back and tell her not to text you. I would not make a deal of it but just let her know that you prefer not to text. This is, as I said, so common that I think most people here have had to deal with it in some way or other. I certainly did and I know many others here have also.

So glad you have found some comfort in music, piano and with your pastor. Having our faith, whatever that means to each of us, to turn to is comforting.

Yes, it is a "heck of a journey". We all stick together here and help each other. And it is perfectly proper for you to write every thing you wrote. That is what this site is about.

Peace to your heart

[enna]

It has been my own experience that others sometime think they know where we ‘should’ be in our grief. I have learned to not allow their opinion to bother me as it used to in the beginning.

I would let the neighbor know that you would prefer that she did not text you. You know what is best for you and if her texting bothers you it is best not to engage in any conversation with her. Sometimes silence is better.

People mean well but really don’t have a clue.

I am glad that you are playing the piano again. Music has been one of my ‘go to’ healing tools for as long as I can remember. Months after my Jim died I bought a piano thinking that I would learn how to play enough to share something with my granddaughter who has been playing since she was four ~ she is eight now. She always tells me that I need more practice! I find that tears come naturally with me when I am listening to music that soothes me.

Our journey is indeed one heck of a ride. What makes it a bit easier is that we don’t have to do it alone. This is a place that we come to knowing that we will be understood and no one will be judging us or telling us where we ‘should’ be.

Writing is one way that we validate our thoughts as we travel this grief journey.

Anne

[sinc86]

Thank-you for your responses. I think quite honestly that I am one who reaches out to make friends, not only for myself but to be kind....and I've come to realize this person does not seem to be. I get the distinct impression that she is putting me off.....and I guess that is just fine. Like just now - I was out mowing and she was sitting on her front step, um - doing nothing in *all her busy-ness*.. At this point I feel like she's built a wall up that I can't even wave without her thinking that might be too much. But she'll text - - - to tell me she's busy or not feeling well or whatever. Lesson learned.

Yeah - music has soothed me ever since I can remember. There was a time when i was a kid, when I was sickand the dr. made me stay home with limited activity - and my mom encouraged me to take the time that I was up to play on the piano.....I think it was through that time that I really grew to love piano and have it become my safe haven.

My pets also provide me with solitude....and my new home with its nice kitchen and new stove that the landlords brought over a couple of weeks ago.

I'll make it through - I think I've come leaps and bounds in just the last week. Going through stuff a couple of weeks ago - stuff that is so precious because it reminds me of them and all they did for me.....was hard. So I was going through a dip in the road toward progress when this lady made her judgement call. I feel stupid that I let it bother me so much - but I guess we're all human. Anne - it helps to know that you struggled with this at the beginning too. Not that I want someone else to struggle, but then I feel you can understand where I'm at.....

Thank-you.

[kayc]

I'm glad you have your new pastor and also the piano to enjoy...I envy you that as I've always wanted to play the piano. Maybe someday I'll try to learn it.

"Friends" means a lot of different things to different people. Sometimes perfectly good people don't work out as friends because what they want in friendship and what we want are not the same thing. Sometimes we have to let some go because they aren't good for us and we especially need to be around people that are positive for us. It sounds like you are realizing this with her. Perhaps you could reply to one of her texts and say something like, "Yes, I understand you're busy, I am also...I don't really have time/energy for texting right now, but perhaps you could call when you have time to talk." Unless you don't want to talk either, in which you could simply say, "Texting isn't working for me right now, I'll let you know when it's a good time" and then just let it go. Remember, you don't owe her an explanation or apology. It's okay for it to not work out with everyone. I'm so glad you're in tune with yourself enough to know what is good for you and what isn't.

Music and pets are some of the things that have gotten me through this. I remember when George died, it was really hard to pray the next year, and I've always been an avid pray-er. Try not to worry about it, it'll all be back when you're ready and God really does understand. He's a patient wait-er and has broad shoulders, He can take it when we beat on His chest, so to speak, and He's always there...whether we feel it or not.