Prospects Of Remaining Alone

[melina]

I have a couple of friends who have lately been urging me to get out and meet someone new. One of my friends says she can't imagine anything more tragic than a young widow spending the rest of her life alone. I'm 56 - which really isn't young - but I get her point.

After four years alone, I do feel lonely. In fact I'm lonely almost all the time. But this is mainly because my husband isn't here. It's him I miss - not just having a relationship. The friend who is urging me to find someone was divorced several years ago, and has now started dating through an online dating service. She's always out with someone and says it makes her feel more alive. She's having fun.

I would love to feel more alive and have fun, but I can't see how online dating will do that for me. It's hard to explain to someone the importance of having had a past history with someone. My husband and I were together for nearly 30 years - and we had so many experiences together, so many "Remember that time when" experiences. Plus we have four children whom we were both equally invested in. No one will ever be able to fill that spot in a relationship. I realize, of course, that a new relationship would have to start from scratch and we'd have to create new experiences. But I fear I'll always have this heavy sadness deep inside - a yearning for the partner I had for so many years, who knew me so well, and yet accepted me for who I was. A hollow, painful place that nothing can heal. How can I start something new when that's always going to be there?

The thought of another ten, twenty, thirty years all alone is mortifying, but I can't see how I can fit someone new into my life. You can make compromises when you're young and malleable. You can learn to adjust to another person, but when you're my age, with all that emotional baggage dragging behind you, you become more rigid and unyielding.

Has anyone else had thoughts like this? Sometimes I feel sheer panic at the thought of continuing my life the way it is now. I almost wish I could just die and get it over with - but I don't want to die yet. I have children and future grandchildren to consider. I would never commit suicide. It's just this feeling of exhaustion - so many more years and what do I fill them with? When I retire in about ten years, I'll be nothing more than a mother and grandmother. That's something - but somehow it's not enough.

Melina

[HAP]

Dear Melina,

I feel your pain because I know it myself. I am too young to be a widower, too old to be a bachelor, and too in love, still, with my wife to make a good partner for anyone looking for more than casual conversation. I feel alone and terrified by the prospect of a black and white and gray existence stretching off into the indeterminate future. But I don't know how to change it.

An old friend who has been a widow a bit longer than we have--and is also a bit older--told me this summer that she has thought about getting into a new relationship if only for the companionship, She, too, finds being alone all the time wearing.

More than anything else, our marriages have defined who we are. It's not the same for people who are divorced. They stopped loving the person they were married to. Widows and widowers have not--and, I suspect, do not.

I retired from teaching six months after Jane's death. That work was also one of the things that defined me. We had no children, so I was not a literal father with the prospects of being a grandparent. But I had the work against Jane's cancer in hand. That has helped me get through some of this. Now, this knee injury threatens a significant part of how I deal with not only the cancer work but my depression and grief as well.

I'll find another way--I always do. But I understand precisely what you are going through at this moment because I am going through it myself. The thought of hanging around for 30-40 years without the kind of meaning and vibrancy that has always filled my life is not one that fills me with anything but dread. But, like you, I don't have any interest in suicide. Like my recently deceased father, I want to know what is going to happen next, what is over that next hill. And I want to have an active role in that journey. I'm not ready to join the walking dead--not yet, probably not ever.

I don't have an answer for any of this. I wish I did. I'm tired of the emptiness that nothing seems to even begin to fill. But I--and you--will keep trying. It is what we do.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Melina, only you can know what to do about dating. What I do know is that 56 is far from old. Bill was 55 and I was 46 when we married and we had almost 25 years of joy together. His second marriage, my first. I certainly do understand the quandary you are in...not wanting to be alone for many years and yet finding a person who can understand your history. Remember that is a two way street...he may have a long history and kids also. So if he is the right person you can support each other if you opt to check out dating. A friend of mine who is a widow has a male companion. They keep their own houses and have their own lives but they have a companion when they want one to go places or spend the weekend etc. Lots of options and I wish you the best. I know it is scary either way...alone or seeking a partner/companion.

[Panos]

Harry and Melina,

Both of your posts have touched on similar thoughts I've also been struggling with - quite a lot lately, actually. My beloved wife has been gone for almost a year and half now. Once she passed away, I at first struggled to overcome the enormous grief I felt over losing her. I am still grieving her loss, though the grief, a year and a half later, is not as 'raw' as it was at first. Over time, the feeling of sheer grief has had another dimension overlayed over top of it - the sense of utter loneliness and, too, desperation. Yes, so deep are those feelings that I have also wondered if I can go on living with this gnawing pain that plagues, it seems, my every waking moment, whether suicide would not, in fact, be better than living this way? Of course I haven't seriously considered acting on such thoughts - I could never be that insensitive to the effect on my other family members such a selfish action would have.

Recently, I took an early retirement from a very stressful and demanding IT job because I found that I could no longer deal with the pressures of my work whilst I was a complete shambles on the inside. I've had a couple of months now to ponder more, sans the distractions of a working life, what I intend to do from now on and also to consider the question whether I shall always feel the way I am feeling currently, whether the grief, loneliness and despair will ever abate, whether there is some way to diffuse the emotionally wrought state of mind I seem to be afflicted with. I asked myself too, whether I would ever want to enter into another relationship; and if so, what would that possibly look like, what sorts of things, feelings, attachments I might, hypothetically form were it to ever come about? I tried to ask these things of myself in an honest, frank manner; and I tried also to consider why, in the first place, I would even be wondering about the possibility of entering another realtionship.

These latter thoughts are new for me. Previously, there was no question in my mind whatsoever about forming a relationship with another woman. Last December, for example, I was approached at work by a nice, attractive woman who worked in the same building as me and who had taken an interest in me and, I assume, was attracted to me. She offered to go out for a 'drink' some time after work. I had casually made her acquaintance long prior to this incident because, of all things, I took up smoking again once my wife passed away. I happened to meet this other person - a smoker as well - during smoke breaks outside of our building. We often chatted during these breaks and, in time, she learned of the fact my wife had passed away. Anyway, when her offer was made, I knew immediately that I wanted no part of it. At that stage, it was completely out of the question. The issue was very plain: I was still deeply in love with my deceased wife, there could never be anyone else that could ever replace her and I would never even entertain the idea of betraying the love that I still had for my wife. Needless to say, I declined this co-tennant's offer, explaining as politely as I could that I was not ready for a relationship.

I actually still am not; and I am almost certain I never will be. I think my feelings for my late wife, my love for her, will always prevent me from it. However, I don't profess that I have, as yet, answered all of these questions or completey understood why my mind is even pondering about relationships at all. But I have come to suspect that my even asking myself these questions is the manner in which my mind is trying to escape from dealing with my grief and my feelings of despair and loneliness. In other words, I am saying that the thought of another relationship is more like seeking the escape offered by some kind of psychopharmaceutical - it is not really about 'moving on'. And of course, that's a very bad state of mind to be in when starting a new relationship.

The reality is, trying out escapism as a way of dealing with my grief, my loneliness and these feelings of despair, can never be a good thing. The metaphorical 'drug' of a relationship is not what will help me. Though, I don't know what will be of help. I go through the motions of living each day, try to keep myself busy and active. Perhaps by continuing doing that, one day I may wake up with the feeling of not being so sad and not sleep-walking my way through time.

[mfh]

You have shared a great deal of wisdom here. This article on the second year of grief (and all the articles on this page -see links) from Marty's blog may be of help.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/02/grief-in-second-year-finding-your-way.html

[kayc]

I think it'd be easier with another widower, someone who could understand you could share freely with. My best friend got together with another widower, they were both about four years out, they've been seeing each other for a year now and have just made the decision that she'll move to be with him and they'll get married. Neither of them will deprive the other of their memories or relationship with their deceased partner. Rather they are incorporating a new relationship into what already exists. They are very happy together and are just enjoying life as it is...together. They get along well with each other's families, in fact, it was her daughter that introduced them. One of the things that concerned her as she felt herself falling deeper with him is she worried about going through loss again. But you can't quit living or deprive yourself just because of fear of what might be around the corner. It is something all of us face if we enter into a relationship...only we just don't know when it'll happen. It could be another 20 years yet for them. Personally, I am very happy for them.

For myself, I don't particularly like "dating" or "looking for someone". I don't want to waste the effort/time kissing frogs so to speak. I'd rather be home with my dog. If it were to happen, it'd have to happen naturally. By the same token, that isn't likely as I never meet anyone I have the slightest inclination in seeing.

Melina, I, too, was 52 when George died. I thought myself too young to spend another 40 years alone. I'm sure that played into my decision to remarry...which in turn turned out to be a disaster. Looking back I can see I was trying to fill the "George spot" that was left empty. And the wrong person surfaced, with all of his wrong motives. As it turned out, I still had to face the emptiness and pain George left...and I had to get used to living alone. I've lived alone for nine years now and most of the time I don't mind, but it sure would help if there were someone around to share in life with even part time. At this point I really can't see myself getting married. For one thing, I don't want to move. And I'm very independent. But then if someone were right for me, they wouldn't try to change me. George celebrated all of me, he never tried to change me, he thought I was perfect as I was. Perhaps he's the only one who could ever think so, but I treasure the memories we have and am so grateful for each moment he was in my life.

[melina]

Thanks everyone who replied to this post.

Harry - even though I don't wish this kind of loneliness on anyone else, it does help, strangely enough, to hear that others are experiencing some of the same things I am. Sorry to hear about your knee. I've had knee problems for the last few years - and this irritates me to no end because hiking and running have been very important activities for me. Getting out into nature takes me away from all the worries and loneliness.

Panos - you echoed some of my thoughts - and Harry's about not being able to enter a new relationship as long your love for your partner is still very present. It's still very early days for you. I know that people told me I would be feeling so much better after a year - almost "cured" of grief. But that's obviously not the case.Grief is a very individual thing, but if you've been in a strong, loving, committed relationship, it's never going to be easy.

Kay - I agree it would probably be easier to find someone in the same situation. But like you, I don't want to go through all the "frog kissing". I don't feel I have the time or energy to waste. My divorced friend showed me her online webiste, but it just made me feel sad and discouraged. Meeting someone naturally and getting to know them over time would be best, but it's very doubtful I will come across someone like that in my daily life.

I also felt this strange need to find someone else just after my husband died - just to kill that pain. I don't think I was in my right mind. Crazy with grief, I guess. But I think I've needed to become strong and independent - find myself and figure out who I want to be and how I want to live my life. Maybe when all that's sorted, I might be open to meeting someone new. Right now, I think I'd just feel panicky and disgusted by a new intimate relationship.

Mary - you hit on something when you mentioned your friend who found a male companion, but they didn't live together. I don't think I'll ever marry again. But I would like a good friend. Ideally I'd find a man who could be my best friend, but who didn't expect anything more. I was joking to my grief counselor that I should probably find a gay man who likes to travel, talk and do home repairs.

Anyway - I just have to keep plodding along and hope that things will get better.

Melina

[mfh]

I came across this article on aging but it is also about dealing with life in general....i.e. finding purpose, developing our inner life, simplifying life. Again it is not about grief or loss and in fact talks about aging as "life getting better" which is not how we feel after losing a spouse...far from it, of course. But within this piece there are some ideas about how to make it better than it is over time.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/virginia-bell/aging-gracefully_b_5567746.html

[Queeniemary]

Good article Mary, glad you shared it with us.

This is a good thread, and the topic one that pulls at me a lot. I am so lonely a lot of the time. Yes I have great friends, and am pretty active in theatre and, according to my brother, I am a social butterfly. However, those great friends, are not here at night when I am my most lonely. I have no one to talk to at night, other than my dog Sassy. I so miss being the most special person to one person. I know that we all do. I want Mike back, so very much, but know in this lifetime, that will not happen. I will be 69 in a few months, and know I could hang around another 20 years or so, barring some unknown thing happening. The idea of being alone all that time just overwhelms me.

Melina, I had to smile when you talked about finding a gay friends to travel with, etc. I actually have one, and he is a dear friend in his mid 50s. He and I have done some traveling together. His partner has a goat farm, and does not like to be away from them, so when Steve does not want to go, I go with Joe. They are both good friends, and were friends of Mike also.

I also do not think I want to ever marry again, but it would be nice to have someone that thought I was the most special lady in the world, and wanted to spend lots of time with me. I have friends, Tom in particular, with whom I travel and visit, but that is a different thing. Tom is a widower, a classmate of my brothers. His wife died about 6 months before Mike, and he and I do some traveling together, and get together with others at times, but it is not a "special" relationship. I can always call on Tom, but I want someone in my life that calls me just because they want to hear my voice, not because they are wanting to organize a party, or trip.

My cousin Sharon, a widow, dates a widower. They are not planning to marry. Each have their own home. They travel together, spend lots of time together, consider themselves a couple. That is probably what would suit me. BUT I don't really know how to go about finding that kind of relationship. The Online thing seems weird, but I have checked it out in the past....may go there again, don't know. Not easy meeting someone new. Like Kay, I think a widower would be best, as they might understand that Mike will always be a part of my life....and his red rock urn will always sit on my bookcase under his picture. That might be a little hard for someone to understand who has not walked on this path.

Harry, the emptiness is almost impossible to fill. No matter how active I am with friends, family, the emptiness is always waiting for me. My mantra has always been "Tomorrow is another day", my hope is that tomorrow will bring something new and peaceful into my life. In spite of my grief, and my longing for Mike, I am an optimist, and always look toward tomorrow.

QMary

[mfh]

QMary, glad you liked the article. Always good to get ideas. Yes, evenings and weekends are lonely when one has lost someone...esp a spouse. I find that also. And as you said and I agree...no matter how busy we get...the empty silent house awaits. I do not mind solitude...I actually cherish it but the loneliness you are talking about and I am talking about is very different isn't it?

[Queeniemary]

Yes Mary, loneliness and solitude are two totally different things. I also love solitude, but that is a choice, loneliness is not.

QMary

[Smudgie]

"loneliness and solitude are two totally different things."

How true, I enjoyed being alone for much of my life and was always comfortable with my own thoughts, now I am so lonely I just wish for peace.

Perhaps my situation is more difficult than some others although every person has to go through the agony in their own way. I was ill for 10 years before meeting my soulmate and it was this very illness that brought us together. Now I am left on my own again and I am sure that no two miracles happen in one lifetime so I am left with whatever time is allotted to me before I can go. I spend my days sobbing on the couch waiting until I can go to bed and forget for a while, but lately even my dreams are of loss and sorrow. I wish I could keep myself busy to try and occupy my mind but it is not possible for me.

I think, even if the miracle did happen twice, that I would not be able to learn the new language that only a very special relationship acquires over time. I had this language with my wife as I expect you all did with your partners, now I am the only one left of us two who understood our special language and I shall never use it again on this earth.

Peace and blessings to you all.

[Wifflesnook]

This is a good discussion. My situation is that I am now 73, was married almost 50 years, and after being without my Pete for over two years I've come to some understanding of how I feel about my alone ness. I hate it deeply. I'm not a person who has ever spent time alone. I think there is a person who would love a relationship with me. But I'm married to Pete in my heart and I know that since he will never be with me in this life a spiritual relationship with my Pete (whatever that means!) is going to be enough for me until I die. I totally understand those people (especially those younger than I) who do form new relationships, but it isn't for me. The loneliness is sometimes unbearable. But only my Pete is capable of taking that away and even if observers might consider that my determination to remain in my relationship with Pete even though he is dead, is unhealthy, I don't care because this is how it is. I do have close friendship with someone which I know could go closer if I wanted it. But I feel that I am now a composite of Pete and me and therefore it's inappropriate. I think this may sound a bit strange but I guess many of you will understand. I think a counsellor might say I may change my mind (and this has been said to me) but enough time has gone by I think for me to know that this is how I feel deep deep down. I'm not happy. I never can be until I'm reunited with Pete (whatever that means) but I do experience joy with our grand daughters, and when I relate to the lovely place I live, and when I'm working on research. I know I have to be content with my lot. I've been incredibly lucky until now, to be deeply loved by a person I regard as the centre of the universe. And he still feels close to me, especially last night when I lit a candle for the full moon as we always did, and then looked out and just as I did the clouds parted and I saw the moon. He felt close then. I've been told I should not turn away from love when it's offered. I understand how the person who said that felt. But my heart belongs to Pete. That said I truly understand that it's possible to form a new loving relationship but it's just not something I want.

[mfh]

Dear Smudgie,
The loss of your wife is so recent and the pain is gut wrenching. It takes time and work to learn how to integrate loss into our lives and to learn how to live around the hole. Grief changes and the edge grows duller. I hope you are getting out a bit each day for a while. And that you are reading some of the wonderful articles here and on the internet grief sites. It all helps as we educate ourselves about how to deal with our gigantic losses. We all understand d the deep pain you feel right now. It does ease up up.

Jan, no one has a right to tell you how to live your life. You are learning and have learning how to create joy in spite of Pete's death. You know what you want and that is what matters. I hope you can see how far you have come in these two years....

*I apologize for my previous error.

[kayc]

Smudgie lost his wife, not husband, although the grief is the same.

Jan, I think if you've been married 50 years, and finish each other's sentences, and each of you are used to your own roles, and you have so many memories together, it has to be very hard to have that disrupted and try to live alone. Although this is MY experience too and we were only married 3 years 8 months. People think it can't be that big a deal if you weren't married that long. They are very wrong. Its as if we were waiting to find each other all our lives and when we met, we connected...it was so complete it was tangible. I've never seen a connection on this level like this before. Even our adjustment period was relatively easy when we got married. We too could finish each other's sentences...or thoughts. It's like we were soul mates, living and breathing together in one vein. To lose that person is to be without a part of yourself.

I was shocked beyond belief when he died. I did not expect it, could not have fathomed it had I been warned! We were supposed to grow old together! Our porch swing that we bought together so we could do so sits empty. He was barely 51 and I 52. They live well into their 90s in my family, the thought of spending 40 years alone frightened the bajeebies out of me! I am no longer afraid of being alone, I've been doing it for nine years now. It's not like it was, how could it be?! But I've gotten rather used to it...it's just that the enjoyment we had is now gone. Laying in bed together talking, cuddling, holding each other, each of us completely our tasks, what we are good at that we bring to the table, doing things for each other, doing things WITH each other, picking autumn leaves for the table, going for drives, socializing, having the kids come visit, enjoying a wonderful meal followed by sugar free home baked cookies fresh out of the oven while we cuddle up and watch a movie together...all of these things are gone. There isn't another person in the world that could ever take his place.

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Kay, I'm so very very sorry that you had such a short time with your soul mate. It isn't the length of the relationship it's the quality. And you and George had the same quality as did Pete and I. That is so very obvious from all you say. I was lucky. And I know it. I expected more as Pete seemed so healthy. But I'd never have been ready to lose him. But you were both so very young.