Afraid That Joy Will Turn Into Sorrow

[mare13]

I lost my husband Jim 5 months ago to lung cancer. He was diagnosed in December 2010 at Stage I and had his lower left lobe removed in Jan 2011 and told us it should have been cured. It reoccured in May of 2012 and after several chemos and radiation lost his battle on April 23rd. He was a Vietnam Veteran and the cancer was connect to Agent Orange. I took an early retirement in Feb of 2013 to care for him. I am 51 and he was 65 and we were married for 16 1/2 years. We have a 12 year old son together and he has a 34 year old son and a 37 year old daughter. from his 1st marriage. I did some traveling in the summer but since school started, I feel like I started the grievance process all over again. My son is the only thing that is getting me through this. I went to grievance counseling and in August , my grievance counselor retired so I haven't talke to anyone since Aug 12th but have an appointment with a new counselor next week. My 37 year old stepdaughter had her Ist child (our ist grandaughter ) in July and my son and I are going to visit her ths weekend in Portland to meet my granddaughter for the 1st time. I am so afraid that all I will be thinking about is how I wish Jim was here to meet Tabitha. I am looking forward to meeting her but am afraid my emotions will take over. Has anyone else experienced something like this?

[mfh]

I am so very sorry about the loss of your husband and all you both went through for all those months. I do know people who are still struggling with Agent Orange effects. I am glad you have been in grief counseling and will continue.

I have not had the experience of meeting a first grandchild which of course is a celebration of joy and now mixed with the grief of your Jim not ever seeing her. I can only imagine that you and your step daughter will will experiencing mixed feelings and perhaps it is something you can share. I believe having been through the loss of my own husband 4 years ago that we tend to rise to the occasion in situations like this. That does not mean there will be no tears. Tears are healthy and to be expected. But if you are afraid that you will lose total control, which I doubt, take the visit in small doses i.e. get away by yourself every once in a while so you can regain your strength. Also focusing on the baby, which everyone will be doing, will be helpful. Crying is a sign of courage and in this instance the love you shared with Jim. And it is expected in a situation like this. Perhaps reaching out to his daughter will be helpful. Reaching out tends to get us out of our own pain for a while. Not that there is anything wrong with tears and pain...but I do understand that you do not wish to spend your visit crying either. Sharing your pain up front will probably relieve any tension that could build up. Just put it out there....sharing that this is all bittersweet and I can only imagine others will agree.

Hopefully there are others here who are grandmothers who have more advice for you. I hope to see you here again.

[Wifflesnook]

My situation is that our much wanted second grand daughter was born the day before my Pete died, and as our daughter is a single mother I had to throw myself into helping her immediately after my Pete's funeral which I prefer to call a Farewell. Although this has been incredibly incredibly painful for me and still is, now two and a half years later our little grand daughters are a joy to me. I don't associate the birth and death except intellectually I know the link exists. I hope you will be able to find the joy I do, even as you feel the pain and grief. It is possible to do that. I know.

[MartyT]

I think it also helps to know that we humans are perfectly capable of holding in our hearts two completely opposite feelings, such as joy and sorrow, together at the same time. One does not cancel the other, and feeling joy at the birth of a grandchild is as normal as feeling sorrow at the physical loss of your beloved. ♥

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I am glad you still have your son at home as I've found the loneliness and loss of purpose one of the harder things to deal with.

You asked if anyone else had experienced this mixed feelings about seeing grandchild first time...I have not yet had grandchildren but others here have written of them mixed feelings, wishing their husband could be there and unable to put aside that feeling and just enjoy the birth of the grandchild without the sadness of the missing grandpa.

I personally feel they're aware and are present in spirit and that he will be there with you as you hold your granddaughter the first time.

I welcome you to this site and hope you will continue to come back here and post. This place has been my lifesaver. I'm sorry you lost your grief counselor and hope your experience with the new one goes well.

[mare13]

Thank you for all your insight. I found this sight to be so compassionate. Although it is not my first grandchild. My stepson had our 1st grandson, 2 months after my Noah was born, so I became a Mom and a Grandma at the same time. My stepson had our 2nd grandson, exactly 1 year after my mom passed away of colon cancer, and the he came a month early. I always considered that a blessing because now, the day my mom passed, is a day of celebration. My grandson just turned 3 years old on September 6. One of Jim's biggest concerns before he passed was that he would not remember him.. My father-in-law passed away when Noah was 3 or 4 and he doesn't remember his Grandpa. I am planning to go through all my old videos and make one for each of my step- children so the grandkids can watch it and remember who there Grandpa is. My stepson is getting remarried on November 1 and I am not looking forward to attending that wedding at all without my husband. Although I love my stepson, my two grandsons have 2 different mothers and he is planning on having another one. I have been in the middle of the family drama because I was close to the mothers and just can't handle the drama any longer. Sometimes I feel so depressed but do not want to go on any medication. The next few months are going to be very challenging for me with this wedding and the holiday's, and it is nice to know I can come here to express my feelings and get support.

[mfh]

You are totally welcome here as you deal with loss and with the family drama. Remember that you do not have to attend that wedding as much as you wish to be there for them. It is your decision. And if it feels like more than y ou can deal with, there is nothing wrong with sending a gift and a note to the bride and groom. No one else is taking care of you. It is up to you...