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Hi everyone,

I lost my husband a little over a month ago after a 6 month battle with oesophageal cancer. He was 58. Just over 7 years ago, our 21 year old daughter died without warning. Just didn't wake up one morning. She was physically disabled and not expected to die young so we were completely taken by surprise. I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen. But I was wrong. My husband was there with me through that. This time of course, he's gone. We'd been together for 39 years - high school sweethearts. He was my best friend, and we were rarely apart. At times I feel like my heart has been torn in two. I feel like it can't be real. Like I'm waiting to wake up from a nightmare.

I have two sons, one of whom lives with me after graduating from university this past Spring. He's busy and working and we do see each other but he's often not around. The other lives about 20 minutes away and has just made me a grandmother 10 days ago. I'm happy about the baby but can't really feel joy. Too many sad feelings overshadowing the joy. I know it'll come.

My problem other than the obvious grief and disorientation, is that I'm terribly lonely. My expended family (and my in-laws) are not part of my life, other than my mother and mother-in-law but both are elderly and not in a position to support me emotionally. Quite the opposite. I support them as best I can. I have a lot of friends who are very emotionally supportive. At first they were here all the time, bringing meals, just being here, etc. But they've gone back to their lives, as they well should. They're a phone call away, and I do see them some times but I'm alone most of the time now. I'm finding I'm not able yet to find anything that interests me enough to go join in. I mean groups or classes, etc. I'm busy sorting through my husband's business papers - there's a lot, but being busy isn't helping me feel less lonely.

I miss so much having a partner. Having someone to tell how my day went. To call during the day or to text. Having someone to whom I am the most important person. Who loves me unconditionally and wants to be with me all the time. That's how it was with us. I know life has changed and I'm doing my best to change with it. I just miss him so much. I'm often okay and then it hits me like a punch to the stomach.

I'm truly grateful he's no longer suffering and that his illness was brief. I would not have wanted him to go through any more of this nightmare than he had to. I believe he's around me and can feel him at times. But I miss his physical presence. His bear hugs. His goofy grin. Conversations with him. Well....you get the idea.

I'm happy to be here. I hope this post isn't inappropriate. If so, I apologize and someone please guide me as to what I've done wrong, if anything. I'm just grateful to be with people who 'get it'.

Thanks for listening.

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I lost my dad almost 3 weeks ago so I know what you mean when you say you feel lonely, Im only 20 but my dad was the guy I called during my breaks throughout the day and I would wake up to morning texts from him. I feel like Ive lost a limb but I am so glad that you feel him around you. Do you talk to him throughout the day? I do with my dad all the time and cry to him when I get really upset and ask to feel his love and it helps a lot.

You have to remember that he still loves you and someone I talked to told me that I should try to maintain my relationship with him because it helps so maybe that will help. Also, I understand its a weird suggestion but why dont you get a dog? When my dad was newly sick, we had to put down our old dog and we ended up getting him a puppy. She was kind of like a therapy dog but she gave him lots of company. Whenever I am upset and even when he was alive, I'd hang with her and she really helped me.

Im very sorry for your loss and I know what you mean about the friends. I know I get annoying with my sobbing and such but this group has given me an outlet :wub:

I hope was at least some help!

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Dear Ellen

You post contains so much that is familiar to us. My husband of fifty years, Pete, died two and a half years ago. You need to talk about your devastating loss and you can do it here because we understand. Please tell us more, read what others have put. There are, sadly, quite a few recent widows here right now, and others like me who have been here a while and carried on because we find it helps to share our feelings. And Sharirouse, I am so so sorry for your loss of your beloved Dad. Jan

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Ellen, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, and that you had to join us here on this journey. AND it is a journey, some of us have been traveling a long time, and others, like you, are new to this journey. Yes the loneliness is hard, and you are in the early days of grief and disbelief. Just be kind to yourself, try to rest, eat right, and take it day by day. You will slowly learn to cope. My husband Mike died in January, 2010. I do pretty well now, although I still have some occasional bad days. This forum is a great place to come for support, and to vent and rage if you need to. Mary and Marty the moderators have many links that will help you, and there are a great many wise people here who will support you and listen to you, and chime in with words that might help you. No one will judge you here, just listen. Praying for peace for you.

QMary

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Dear Ellen,

There was nothing wrong with your post. It tells what I believe we have all felt and still feel. I lost my husband almost 6 months ago. When you told about your husband, I felt you were telling my story also. I too am lonely and it is hard. My oldest daughter and granddaughter live with me and that is wonderful, but they do not fill the void left by my husband. My friends have gone on with their lives and that is hard, but that is what happens. I try to remember always that I am not alone as God is with me always, but it is still hard. Please continue to express your thoughts on this forum as it helps you and it also helps us. This forums helps me to know that I am not the only person in the world that is going on this journey and that gives me comfort.

Donna (sadlynn)

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Ellen,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, and your daughter too. I wish there were words that could bring you comfort but I haven't found any. You have found a life saving site, we listen, care, and understand and encourage each other as best as we can. This is a safe place to voice yourself, and I've found that is so important. When my George was taken from me, I felt like I was stripped of my power because it was without my say so and totally shocking to me (heart attack). I've learned it helps to voice myself, it gives back some of that power that was taken.

I hope you'll continue to come here. There are several new ones here. It helps to see the different ones at different stages. Those of us who have been here for years can show you hope because we're surviving it and we can show you the way, little by little. Those who are newer here and are of the same time line you will feel an affinity with as you're going through the same things at the same time.

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Dear Ellen,

First, there is nothing wrong with your post. Posts like yours actually help you and others as well because you get to share and be heard and others feel they are less alone with their feelings. The loneliness you describe is the very feeling those who lose a spouse learn to live around...the hole so to speak. We learn to involve ourselves in other interests and people but that loneliness for your spouse is there. Believe me people here "get it". We are here for you and with you. And I know that does not help when you walk into a silent house or sit alone on an evening when you would like to be sitting with your beloved but this group is a soft place to fall.

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