Greiving For Gizmo

[Gizmo'sMom]

Hi Everyone,

It has been a month since my beloved 15 year old Gizmo passed away and I still cry continually every day. Maybe this is normal, maybe not. I am journaling and reading a book about pet loss but I feel so lost, guilty for euthanizing him, my heart physically aches and I am so utterly devastated.

How do other people cope? I don't know what to do with myself. I try to keep occupied but I haven't the desire nor the strength to follow through. I think about him when I wake up and continue until I go to sleep. I still wake up in the middle of the night, thinking I need to check on him. The other morning I honestly thought I heard him panting and got out of bed before I realized he isn't here.

My head told me it was time to let him go. Gizmo told me it was time but I wish someone could tell my heart. I have his ashes and I talk to him everyday. I have always had dogs and I have grieved the passing of each one but this is different. The connection and bond between Gizmo and myself was so unique and precious. Family and friends always commented that when I walked into the room, Gizmo would light up. He actually looked like he was smiling.

I've worked from home for the last eight years, so we were together 24/7. He would curl up in his bed in the studio while I worked. I'm still having difficulty going into the studio and always look at the place where he should be. I would love to go in there and create something in his memory but I don't have the strength, not yet.

My family and friends have been so supportive through this and I'm grateful for this group. Thank you for listening. Gizmo's Mom

[MartyT]

My dear one, I am so very sorry for your loss. Your darling Gizmo is just adorable, and I can only imagine how this hurts your broken heart. Everything you've written sounds completely understandable and normal, given how close you were to your dear little companion. Clearly he occupied nearly every moment of your day and night ~ for fifteen years ~ so is it any wonder that you miss so much his physical presence in your life?

I wish we could take this pain away from you and give you back your baby, but that we cannot do. I hope you know that the depth and intensity of your pain is in direct proportion to the love you have for Gizmo and the closeness that you shared.

It's good to know that you're journaling and reading a book about pet loss, because doing so will help clarify your thoughts and feelings and reassure you that what you're experiencing is normal. I'm also pleased that you've found your way to this warm and caring place (although I'm very sorry for the reasons that brought you here), as being among fellow animal lovers (all of whom have been where you are now) will help you to feel less isolated and alone.

Reading how we've all found our own ways through the loss of our cherished animal companions may help you find your way, too. So when you feel ready and able to do so, I hope you'll take the time to read some of the threads you'll find in this forum. Meanwhile, know that we share in your pain and welcome you with open arms.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Gizmo, he is darling and I can understand how deep is your loss, esp. since he was your constant companion.

You're doing all the right things to help your through your grief, but I don't know any way around the pain or any way to avoid the constant reminders that he's gone.

It helps knowing you were the best mom ever and you had such good years together, and you'll be together again. Think of this time apart as temporary.

Finding ways to honor his memory can help, each person chooses different rites and rituals to help them through their loss. I bought gravestone markers for my pets (as well as one for my husband's ashes where I scattered them). I find solace in looking out over the back yard at where their remains are, knowing that's where I also want my ashes to join with his and be near my pets' burials.

It does help to express yourself, here, journaling, talking to someone, just by someone hearing you it validates what you are feeling and going through.

[Gizmo'sMom]

Marty & KayC

I am so glad I wrote. I can feel your arms wrapped around me in comfort and support. I light a candle for Gizmo every morning and tell him how much I love him. I tell him goodnight and ask him to visit me in my dreams. A friend told me , "We never "get over" the loss of something we loved so much, but with time our perspective changes and we come to smile, rather than cry, when we remember. I would love for that day to come, if only for a moment to give my aching heart a rest.

KayC you are so right. Our time apart is temporary. We will be together again. In Peace and Light, Susan

[kayc]

Your friend is so right, it has been that way with my husband, whom I lost nearly ten years ago. At first any thought of him brought immense pain, but now it brings a smile to my heart.

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Gizmo'sMom,

I believe I might know much of how your heart is hurting regarding your loss of your sweet little Gizmo and your feelings about euthanasia. Even when we know it's time, and when we do it for the right reasons, guilt seems to come with euthanasia for some of us. When we've truly done all we can, and from a heart saturated with love, we aren't actually guilty, but it feels like we are.

We lost our little love, Ashely Rose, to kidney disease on 10 October 2014. Our baby was a wee fun-loving Black and Tan Doxie who lived to be fourteen. She would have lived a while longer had I not taken advice from the wrong vet who told me she could withstand dental surgery regardless of her KD. She lived three weeks after that surgery, and suffered terribly due to her extensive oral surgery, as well as from the nausea of kidney disease.

When it was time to end her suffering, a vet, a long-time friend, came to our home and gave the injection. She had told me to give her 5 mg of Valium prior to her arrival, but instead of the Valium, I gave her a capsule that her regular vet (also a long-time trusted vet) told me to give her. This capsule is one that is given prior to surgeries to sedate animals. It was supposed to relax her completely, and thereby cause her death to be easier and less fearful for her. It didn't work that way for her. She appeared to be unaware of the injection itself; however, she suffered for about an hour and a half prior to the injection, from severe wretching without being awake enough to actually vomit. The awful vomiting had been frequent due to KD, but after the capsule, she just lay in my arms and wretched without being able to lift her little head. I cry from loss of her, and because of my wrong choices. I tried hard, yet made two wrong decisions that harmed her.

Ashely was our sweet baby girl who slept in the crook of my left arm for fourteen years. We miss her so much. To be so little, she occupied a lot of space.

We have another little red girl, a red sable Doxie who is Ashely's cousin, also age 14, who has kidney disease and needs oral surgery for very bad teeth. We know through my mistakes with Ashely, to treat Callie's teeth with antibiotics rather than surgery. Callie still is doing fairly well, but has the nausea that comes with KD and gets progressively worse.

I tell you these things only to let you know that I understand your pain, loss, and grief. I care very much that you hurt. I wish so much that I could help you in some way. I send you warm hugs, ❤️

Carrie

[kokoangel37]

Hi, What a sweet cute name and precious dog, Gizmo. Gizmo is with you and your pain will lessen in time. I wish we could control grief, but the difficulty comes because we cannot. The people that told you that the depth of your grief was connecied to the depth of your love are right. There is nothing like our pets, they are angels in our lives. I think they were meant to be and they are still angels in our lives when they pass.

I know the guilt also. That guilt can be crippling, but please know you are not guilty you only feel guilty. Your little Gizmo is so happy and playing and running and laughing with other pets and knows how much you still love him. He thanks you everyday for letting him go and not suffer.

Pain stayed so long I said to him today, I will not have you with me anymore!

And paused there startled at the look he wore.

"I who have been your friend, " he said to me, "I who have been your teacher all that you know of understanding love, of sympathy and patience, I have taught you Shall I go?"

He spoke the truth this strange unwelcome guest; I watched him leave and knew that he was wise. He left a heart grown tender in my breast. He left a far clear vision in my eyes. I dried my tears and lifted up a song. Even for one who'd tortured me so long.

Author Unknown

Take Care You will get through this!!! Debbie

[Gizmo'sMom]

Hi Carrie,

I cried for two days after reading your letter. I'm so sorry about your beloved Ashely Rose. This is a club I wish none of us belonged to. I wish the grief would ease up just a touch and mourning would allow me to go one hour without crying. We did have a memorial service for him this weekend. It was so beautiful, I felt him with me. God, I miss him. Susan

[Gizmo'sMom]

Debbie,

Thank you for the support. It means so much. I do feel so guilty but you are right. I did what I did for Gizmo. He was my baby and I didn't want him in anymore pain. I wish I could quit with the could have's, should have's. Susan

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Susan,

I am SO sorry. I apologize for making you cry. It appears I was too graphic in trying to help you know I understand what you're going through. I just now re-read what I wrote to you. I can tell that my own hurting heart was showing through as I wrote. I still hurt. Even today, this far away from her death, I thought of her, and needed to shove down the pain, because I can't tolerate the full impact of that grief as well as the anticipatory grief I am going through regarding my husband Jerry. He is going through a particularly difficult time right now. I told my daughter this morning that because I made two bad decisions with Ashely's care, my usual "take charge" confidence in my decision-making skill is shaken, and I am concerned that I will make a serious mistake/mistakes with Jerry's care.

I have to remind myself that what I really feel is deep remorse rather than guilt. The guilt doesn't belong to me. I listened to a high-pressure vet. The wrong sedation was an accident. I'm just so sorry and sad about it. I can't have a "do over." I'd better stop this before I have you and me both crying again!

I know you are hurting so badly, and I just want you to know that I join the other fur-baby lovers here on the forum in caring that you hurt. I have wondered several times how you are doing, so thank you for writing.

Carrie

[LadyCarrie]

I have an update on Callie, our little red sable Doxie girl. She has lost some weight due to kidney disease, although she eats well. She's hanging out at about 8 to 8.5 pounds down from her healthy weight of 9 to 9.5 pounds. She is still a happy little girl who likes to take walks around the property, and to chase the laser light in Jerry's shop. She doesn't run much, but she still has fun, and enjoys her life. There are days when she's nauseated and doesnt feel well at all, but all things considered, she's doing pretty well still.

Amberly (daughter) went with someone in a rental car to the post office a couple of weekends ago, because Callie just gets so danged happy when she gets a rare car ride. The post office is a distance of six miles round trip. Amberly held her in her lap the entire time, so Callie did not ever sit or stand on the seat; even so, when the person returned the rental car to Hertz at the Sacramento airport, the manager charged $75 to detail the car. It is true that Callie is shedding terribly due to kidney disease, but all of us wonder how she could have shed enough hair to be considered "excessive." They must detail the car each time it's returned, and the vacuuming they do would have taken care of the bit of hair they were able to spy. There was no rule that she could not ride in the car. I asked. Of course, we paid the bill. What an expensive ride to the post office that girl had! Amberly had come home telling us how happy and excited Callie was on her trip. I'm glad she was that happy. Perhaps she was so excited she popped her hair right out.

I sat on the front deck with her to give her some sunlight a few days ago. While she sat in my lap, I decided to brush her a bit with my fingers. From her neck alone, I got a lot of hair. When I sat her onto the deck, she sniffed the pile of hair I had laid there. I told Amberly that it was enough to make Callie think she had a new friend, so perhaps she really did shed excessively. Both Amberly and the driver of the car said that it couldn't be so. They believe it was the usual airport exorbitant fees.

Now that Jerry is taking a nap, I'll take this opportunity to go take care of Callie and her red boy cousin, Beauregard.

Carrie

[kayc]

Carrie,

I can't see how it could cost $75 to clean her fur out of the car! Arlie is a Siberian Husky/Golden Retriever and does his fair amount of shedding, although not as bad as a purebred Husky, and he takes up the entire back seat! I put a quilt down for him, but even so, it finds it's way into the back of the seat, the carpet, and even underneath the quilt. I just cleaned the car out this week and it took about 1/2 hour to vacuum, take a damp washcloth to the seats, and clean the entire inside of the car. Your dog couldn't possibly have shed as much or covered as much territory as Arlie did, but even so, at 1/2 hour total, when they needed to do it anyway, that's $150/hour! I want a job making $150/hour doing that! No stress, no thinking, just mindless work, no pressure! If you take a little longer, just charge a little more! Grrr! That is so wrong! I wish I could fight them for you because that's highway robbery and places like that set me off!

I'm glad Callie enjoyed her expensive ride, it won't be one you guys forget!