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Update: 3 Months & Another Hosp Stay

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Hi friends

I just got home this morning from four days in hospital. I was having lots of angina palpatations and fell. I don't remember falling. I don't remember the ambulance ride. Diagnosis is Atrial Fibrillation. Severe tachacardia. Heart rates beyond 240. Was started on digoxin and another beta blocker. Had several episodes while inpatient as well. But stable the third day with normal heart rhythms.

So tomorrow night will be 3 months since my my Mary slipped away. Why does it still feel so sureal...

And why am I just falling apart physically. I have always been healthy except some BP issues. This is so hard without her. She isn't by my side. I still feel like she is "just away". I know logically this is not true.


I NEED to go back to work. I NEED to for my sanity. And I have orders that I may not. Not until things are stable for a while.


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I'm sorry you just keep getting hit and hit. A loss such as this is very hard hitting to us, and it can affect our health or show up things that have been lurking on a low level for a while.

A good friend of mine has AFib but they have him on medication and he usually only has a problem about once a year when he has to go to the hospital and get shocked back into normal heart rate pattern. He says it doesn't hurt but it "feels weird" when it's acting up. If it caused you to fall, that's serious, that must be why they want to see it stable before you return to work. I hope you make your health #1 concern so you can resume working, I agree it might be good for you to have somewhere to go, something to do. I hope the medicine does it's trick!

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Dear Butch,

I am sorry to hear about your continuing health problems. You definitely do not need any more stress. All that you are going through sounds very stressful and overwhelming to me. Kay is right that we feel and carry in our bodies a lot of the load of the loss and stress. It is why we must take such extra good care of our bodies, being gentle and loving and nurturing to them.

Butch, have you tried meditation? It is one of the best ways to calm the heart and bring some peace into your life, as well as giving a respite from the stressful exigencies of life. I think it might really hep you. I know when I was so very ill, being able to meditate really helped me to be able to fall asleep in a more relaxed state.

Maybe at work you have some meditation classes, or stress classes. I know some workplaces have those now. I hope you can find some healthy, healing ways to help you to release more of the stress and grief. I am just so sorry you have so many challenging things going on in your life. I know we are all holding you in prayer and in our hearts.

Blessings to you, and some



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My heart just hurts reading this. I am so sorry you are going through this Butch.

Longterm Caregiving of those we love often results in physical health issues.

Your journey with Mary was long and stressful.

I am sad that you had to go into the hospital again. Afib is nothing to fool around with and demands immediate attention. I am so glad you are not staying by yourself.

One of the things that helped me through those early months after Jim's death was to spend time with my grief counselor who helped me learn how to breathe more slowly, practice saying that I did the best I knew how in caring for Jim and allowing myself to be ok with not being ok.

Keeping you in my thoughts.


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Dear Butch,

I am so sorry to hear you are having still more health problems. You've hurt, and are hurting, so profoundly emotionally and physically (I'm stating the obvious as I struggle to find words). You've had so much to bear before and after your Mary's leaving (I like Fae's word; it's softer). I've wondered how one person can endure so much as you endure. We continue, every day, to pray for you, and to think of you often throughout the day. You are remembered, and all of us here care for you.

What Anne said about long-term caregiving is so true, yet even while we are actively taking care of our precious loves, and know that we ourselves are at risk to an unknown degree, like a "Bridge Over Troubled Waters," we do lay ourselves down. We do what we must do as the needs arise, and pray we can somehow stay strong and healthy for our loved one's sake, and then for our own sake. The caregiver's body will give out over time, and this happened to you, as well as to several others here.

Your primary goal for now is self-care so that you can feel better, and then perhaps you will be able to do some of the activities you want to do. One-on-one grief counseling can be a tremdous help. I recommend it highly for you, if it is available. My counselor, a psychiatrist, is an hour and a half down the hill from me, so not readily available.



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