Sad And Lonely In My Pain

[Tinkerbell]

My best friend for 14 years is gone...my littl dog Bili is no longer here, i still hear him walking around, and feeling so sad when i realize he is not here... I miss him badly, dont know how to deal with all this pain. It's been nearly two months since his death... He was old his heart was weak for and at the end his kidneys stoped working, last 3 days he couldn't eat or drink water,we couldnt sleep, he was thursty and he was asking me water and I couldn't give him any, couse he was throwing up, and veterinarian told me to give him half spoon of water every two hours.Did he know that I wanted to help him and that I wasn't punishing him with no giving water? He was dying of thurst and hunger,he was receiving infusion for three days but he was so bad(his kidneys didn't work and that couldn't change)so I had to put him asleep.

When I close my eyes I always see that big needle with green liquid, he was in my lap, and I felt him go... where is he now, is he scared and alone, is someone taking care of him? I want him back!

I'm thinking if maybe I didn't put him asleep maybe a miracle could hapen, maybe he could get better, and I didn't give him a chance... I miss him so badly! I can't talk with my family about him, they don't mention him becouse everybody get's sad...

My pain is not leaving and I cry almost every night...

I want him back!

I wish he comes to my dreams to play with me and sleep on my pillow...

Edited January 9, 2006 by Tinkerbell

[Maylissa]

Tinkerbell,

I'm so very sorry to hear you lost your dear Bili, and to kidney failure no less. Our remaining fur-girl, a cat, has the same thing and it all began for her when her brother passed away at age 13, 6 years ago. I know I will probably have to face the same thing you just did, and I'm so frightened of that day, I can barely think about it, much less speak of it. But you should know, you did the kindest thing you could do, considering Bili's condition. Kidney failure can be a very painful thing to die from, from what I've been told, and all you can do is try to determine when it's time for your beloved one to be helped out of that pain. None of us are perfect and although we desperately want to be for the sake of our loving furchildren, we can only observe, get advise, and make our best guesses about what to do for them, and when. They KNOW our hearts, though, even when we might make mistakes. They FEEL that energy coming from us, so take heart...Bili knew how you felt. He was probably also just trying to do the right things for both of you as well. The love you two shared is still alive, just in another form.

If you hear him still around, he's probably visiting, knowing you need him still, for now. My boy's sister and I both heard her brother ( and I also felt him once ) for several weeks afterwards. Take comfort in that, talk to him ( out loud or silently, it doesn't matter ) and tell him everything you need to say now. Keep giving him your heart's messages. He will hear you, just as he did before. Look for signs around you that he is near....and try not to doubt them. Thank him for them if you see or hear any. Your love will always bind you together. Trust in that. All of us here know where you are, as we've all been there, too. Talk here, if you can't talk at home. We all understand your extreme pain, otherwise we wouldn't be here, either.

I don't have certain answers to your pleas, but I know what you want. Not just those answers, but for Bili to come back! I KNOW how this feels and it takes a long time for some of us to get past that point - took me 2 years of heavy grief, then another year of more under-functioning...and still, it can hit me again in an instant at times. We've all essentially lost our 'children', so we need to express that and try to live through that cruellest of pains, which are worse for us because the world is only beginning to acknowledge inter-species connections as being as important as they are. I'm just so sorry....

[Debora]

Tinkerbell,

My condolences. I know how you feel. I just lost my beloved Pomeranian, Sweetie, last Wednesday, January 4th in a tragic accident-she drown. I have got no idea what happened. I just went out into the back yard with a light and for whatever reason I looked in the fountain & found her. I'm like you & miss my Sweetie terribly. I think your Bili & my Sweetie are up at the Rainbow Bridge together. They are at peace. They have no pain or suffering.

I want to eventually get another Pomeranian, but not right now. I'm not ready quite yet. I want my Standard Poodle to get a little older before I get another pet. I need my Sammie girl to settle down a little bit before I bring another dog into the house.

[Tinkerbell]

Thank you Maylissa and Debora, this words mean very much to me as I don't have anyone to talk to,anyone who could understand me. Today is exactly two months sice Bili is no longer with me...

I dreamed him last night, it was a strange dream, as if he camed to say that he is ok. It was so real. I knew he is dead and his soul came to be with me, he came to spend a day with me,to show me he is not rally gone...

Somehow it is easyer now, I still cry a lot, can't stop tears, but in my heart i fell some kind of peace.

I hope he will come to me some night again...

Edited January 14, 2006 by Tinkerbell

[Guest Guest_Bonnie_*]

Dear Sad and Lonely, I can really appreciate how you are feeling and I am so sorry for your sorrow. I happened to click on this site because I had to PTS my sweet Smokey kitty yesterday. She had cancer and it was growing and growing and she was getting skinnier and skinnier and could hardly walk anymore. Yes, it is painful to take your special little angel to the vet and watch them stick a needle in her while you hold her and she trusts you. Yes, it hurts! I asked to be left along for a little while with her and I told her I was soooo sorry I couldn't make her better. Yes, Sad and Lonely, I feel your pain and reading your post made me cry I hope I can forget that image and just remember her how she was before she got sick.

Thank you for sharing your post. I guess this wasn't very comforting for you, but your post was comforting to me.

[kim]

I share your pain and sadness. I had to let my dog bandit go two days ago and I am devistated. I can only tell you that I feel your pain and somehow I do believe that our furbabies feel our sadness in their departure and they would want us to be happy. I have to believe that bandit is at the rainbow bridge playing with all the other furbabies and that gives me a little comfort.

Bless you all

Kim

[Tinkerbell]

Dear people,thank you for undrestanding, and thank you for being here...

These days I fealt a little bit better, stoped crying every night.I have much to study, so I forget myself from time to time... In two days it will be 3 months since he is gone, the emptiness is still here,today I gaved my friend who has a dog, Bili's shampoo, that made me very sad... I miss him so much, and I have so much love that was always for him, and now there is no one to give it to, so my heart feals so empty and so heavy at the same time...

I was thinking, maybe he will come to me in some other form, meybe he is reincarnated... maybe he is a beautiful butterfly, or a dolphin, or a boy... I hope we will meet some day, if not here then somewere else, hope to see him on a Rainbow Bridge...

[Maylissa]

Tinkerbell,

I believe it is possible for our animals to reincarnate back to us in the same lifetime, as a good friend of mine knew someone that this certainly seemed to happen to. Her cat had had a very strange and unique taste in food and just loved, of all things, fava beans- not something a cat would normally go for! He would eat an entire plateful if offered. She had one special occurance after her cat passed, where someone had taken a picture in her home just after he'd passed, and when the pic's came back, her cat's face was clearly visible in an object on her mantelpiece, with nothing across the way to account for simply a reflection. Then, within weeks of her cat's passing, another cat, who was almost identical, but the opposite gender, started hanging around her house and once she determined that it was a stray, she somewhat reluctantly took this cat in. She was hesitant because of the uncanny resemblance, as she was still hurting so much. It turned out that because her friends could see so many similarities in personality in this cat, and really believed that this was a real reincarnation, she finally agreed to offer this cat ( after about a month with her ) some fava beans...just to see. Well...this cat devoured them in an instant! She was finally convinced that her dear one had come back to her. ( I was SO jealous when I heard this story, and wished it could have been ME! )

It's a lovely story of course, but even if not all of our loved ones choose to come back for us, or not necessarily even in the same form as before, I would suggest that you still extend whatever amount of the same love you have for Bili that you can, to whatever other creatures you encounter along your path, as they all appreciate knowing someone cares about their well-being, and that someone human respects them and appreciates their existence upon this earth. That way, if Bili does come back this way, you'll be 'primed' for his return, and if he doesn't, your love won't be 'stuck' inside you, with no outlet. It is our nature to love and to extend that love outwards, and even if you can't (yet) extend it in the same way, or in the same amount as what you gave to Bili, it will still be rippling outward in some way...and that will come back to you, somehow.

Bili may have more work to do where he is, and is instead choosing to wait for you until you can join him. At least, that's what I tell myself, about my Sabin, and in a way, I almost prefer that, as at least I know he's safe from the world's physical ills where he is.