Is It Wrong To Want Affection After Losing My Boyfriend Of 5+ Years?

[JHCP]

I am so lonely lately. I have lost Jack, lost our car to his son, lost memorabilia to his family, lost our iCloud account to his son, losing our house within the next few weeks, lost all financial stability. All I have is ME and our sweet little kitty Bella. All this loss and change sucks so bad! I have to move out of state. From a beach house to Las Vegas. So I lose my friends and routines and lifestyle. I just recently started talking to the man before Jack who I had always thought was the one for me. I know it is too soon to see anyone. This man was a virgin until he was almost 30 years old. We dated seriously for a few years abstaining from sexual contact. I wasn't a virgin so that was difficult for me, difficult for both of us actually, but we forged a serious connection. Both him and I have never lost the chemistry for one another. We both worry about starting anything again even though we both want it because I am still early in my grief. I feel guilty even thinking of another man in this capacity right now. I don't know how I will ever just casually date anyone again. I found a totally devoted partner in Jack. Someone I knew I was the end all be all for. This old flame and I developed something totally different and while it lacks in comparison to Jack in some ways, it is better in some. AGAIN I feel super guilty for even talking to him because of how I have always felt for him. I am just so lonely and feel like I would be wise to move forward. I keep reminding myself it isn't like I am cheating! Jack is not ever coming back! I would have never spoken to another man while he was here! Because of how much affection Jack and I shared on a daily basis, I really feel like I am suffering more than normal. We were glued at the hip! I need affection.

Is this abnormal? I don't want to date some new insignificant man because I couldn't handle that, nor would it really suffice because what I am missing is the connection. Is this unhealthy? I would love to hear your thoughts about this. Share experiences please and give me tips.

I read on here how stuck in the past people can get, and I don't want that to be me! I am young, I am attractive, I won't hinder myself from moving on with my life because I have no time to even if I wanted to! I have to move out only a month and a half after he passed! Moving to another state to a new home with roommates and to a new job. My whole routine is being changed. I can't afford to dwell. I need to force myself to push through this already. It is kind of unfair, but I think it will grant me a second chance on life. I understand it takes time, but I don't have much time to spend grieving right now!

[kayc]

Is it wrong to feel that way? No. Nothing we feel is wrong. Just be careful that you don't get together with someone out of grief/loneliness. Be on your own for a while, enough to know you are okay by yourself, before involving someone else, it's not fair to them otherwise.

[JHCP]

That makes sense. I am moving for like 6months to a year to Las Vegas. I have work out there that is very promising! Working. For an alkaline water company that is vitamin infused. It's called 'iDrink' and it is getting into Costco nationwide. My friend owns the company. He experienced loss of a fiancé like a decade ago one week before their wedding. She was decapitated in a car wreck. Awful! I was working already with him and with my Jack to get the NBA interested in it. So when I called to tell him what happened, he shared his loss story. He has a new fiancé btw. They are letting me move into their 5000 sq ft home. And they don't expect rent from me. He has given me three or four job opportunities also. I am going to be working on myself. I just think this person from my past and I have a deep connection. I don't know how to manage this grieving period right now...and I don't want to be unfair to him.

More feedback please everyone

[mittam99]

Cassandra, I'm not one to tell others how to live their life but if you want feedback, here's mine.

While we all miss the affection of our loved one, you're too early in your grief to think about another possible relationship. You've heard the term "on the rebound" regarding people who are divorced. Meaning that people often make bad relationship choices at that point. Well, that's a divorce and certainly that's emotional. You on the other hand have lost your beloved Jack to a sudden death. That's a whole different level of emotional hurt and anguish. This is not the time to make any big decisions and certainly not any decisions regarding something like this.

You said in your first post that "I need to force myself to push through this already. It is kind of unfair, but I think it will grant me a second chance on life. I understand it takes time, but I don't have much time to spend grieving right now!". To be honest, you really need to take all the time you can to grieve the loss of Jack. You shouldn't just "push through" this as you said. If you do, I'm afraid that your grief will hit you even harder down the road.

Mitch

[JHCP]

I wish I could take all the time in the world. I truly would love staying. Here in our home, around our friends, and completely surrounded by memories of Jack and my life together. I am being forced out of our home by his son. I am having to move to Las Vegas. Jack completely was in charge of bills! He was that kind of guy! He wouldn't even let me know what things cost! It was hard giving up my independence to him. He finally wrangled it from me though. We were SOOOO incredibly happy! We enjoyed every moment of our lives together! Even when we annoyed each other we laughed! We called it MAPEing lol. Stands for Being the MOST ANNOYING PERSON EVER! Haha.

I just wish I had the luxury of sitting here and letting it soak in! I don't! Ppl talk about how they have not moved things since their loved one passed away. For me it was our sheets. I slept in his side of the bed on our dirty sheets all month. So I forced myself to wash them a few days ago. I did not want to. I felt I was washing his smell and his touch away! Realistically it was just sheets. In around two weeks I have to uproot my whole life and move. That is stressful enough in its self! But it would be horrific if I all of a sudden had to endure the losses of the things that were my routine and that I was clinging to to grieve Jack's loss all at once! So I am, for the lack of a better word, weening myself off of this life we were building together! The sheets and another thing. Was clearing his night stand off, another still was putting away his shaving gear, another was washing his towels, also vacuuming which sucked because it was like I was cleaning his skin cells out and getting rid of the last of him. It sounds so ridiculous. I just miss him so freaking much!

I am not trying to date or make bad decisions. I just don't want a new unfamiliar partner. I want to stop feeling hurt like this. My ex's and I have all left on great terms. They are here in CA. So I just want to see some of them before I move. I know it is selfish. And trust me I feel riddled with guilt! But on the other side of it, I think it will relieve my pain. I know I should NOT have a relationship. Even though I have always thought the one ex was 'the one' I know it is too soon. I think I should wait a year to get seriously involved. I read all over how the first year is the hardest. 'The year of firsts' or so it is called. The first Christmas thanksgiving Halloween New Year anniversary birthday etc. are the hardest. I think I am going to make a personal pact to wait a year to even think of a serious relationship.

[kayc]

Cassandra, Mitch is right. I said it's not wrong to think about it, but it isn't the wisest thing to act on it so soon. Give yourself time to grieve, time to feel and get through the pain. There is so much to learn through this journey, and if we try to short circuit it, we miss a lot more than just the pain. If you try to avoid pain with someone new, in the end you will still have to face your grief and all you succeed in doing is complicating things. Just my opinion, for what it's worth. Been there!

[JHCP]

I wish I had time. My whole life is being uprooted. I wish I could sit here and heal. I don't have that luxury! I wish I did

[kayc]

My best advice is to spend time with family and girl friends. If you don't have a job, look for one so you can be self-sufficient. See a counselor. Take regular walks. Eat healthy. All of those things will help your well being.

[JHCP]

My girlfriends are 25-30 years old. They are party girls. I used to be. Jack changed me. I am so greatful for that! Going out with my other friends which are now happily married just makes me sad. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for others happiness, but seeing how little affection other happy couples show one another just drives home the fact that my soulmate is forever lost to me.

[kayc]

So you have no friends except for the partiers? Time to make some then! Maybe try a grief support group?

[JHCP]

No I have no single friends that are not either workaholics or partiers. I am neither. So I need new friends. Yes!