Moms Behavior

[shell]

I was wondering of anyone has had the problem I'm having. My mom and I have always been extremely close, but since my dads death, she seems to be very impatient with me. I am taking care of everything (I'm not complaining, just a fact) and she seems to criticize everything I do. I just feel this huge wall between us and can't, for the life of me, understand whats going on. It is so painful I can't even begin to describe it. I'm still mourning my father and trying to deal with this too. Is this a normal reaction? My mom is 85. Does her age have anything to do with it? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I just don't know what to do!

[MartyT]

My dear Shell,

I’m so sorry for your loss and for the difficulties you’re having with your mom in the wake of your father’s death. You say that despite your close relationship with her, your mom seems very impatient with you, acting distant and critical of all your efforts to help.

I don’t know how long ago your father died, how long your parents were married or how attached they were to each other, but the death of a spouse is difficult under any circumstances, and it can be particularly so for older people, whose most consistent experience at this stage of life is loss.

Think about the impact of your father’s death on your mother. By now, in addition to her husband, I’m sure she has lost many loved ones to death, including her own parents, perhaps a sibling and certainly some close friends. When your father died, she may have lost her sense of being needed. Now there is no care for her to give. There is no warmth, no affection, no touching, no companionship, no one to talk to, no one to sleep or eat with, no one to feel important to. If she lives alone, her house now may seem to her too empty, too quiet, too lonely. There may be little stimulus for her to keep going and to stay active. There may be no structure or meaning in her daily routine. Your father’s death could also trigger the realization that her own health is failing, or that the later days of her own life are fast approaching.

I don’t know your mother’s personality, but some older folks are more stoic and quiet in their grief, not as comfortable as the younger generations may be in expressing feelings openly. On the other hand, your mother may be more "seasoned" (older, wiser and better able to cope) than you give her credit for. You say that since your father died you’ve been “taking care of everything.” Rather than assuming what your mother needs, it might be better to observe, to listen, and to ask.

More than anything else, your mother may just need a patient, understanding listener – someone to talk to honestly and openly about her own feelings - about your dad or other loved ones who have died in the past, about earlier losses she’s endured, about her own failing health or aging, or even about her own dying.

I do not mean to suggest that you are the one responsible for healing your mother’s grief. For you to heal from this loss of your father, you must meet your own grief needs first. But I do want to encourage you to continue to offer your mother the understanding, patience and compassion she needs and deserves. If you feel as if her needs exceed your capacity to help, encourage her to see a grief counselor or attend a grief support group in your community. Consider, too, your own need for support at this sad and difficult time, and be willing to reach out to others. Many churches and hospices offer grief support groups nowadays, and some are aimed specifically at those who’ve lost a parent. See also the links to resources I have listed on the Death of a Parent page of my Grief Healing Web site.

And by all means, know that you are always welcome here.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[shell]

Dear Marty T,

Thank you so much for your reply. I truly apprciate your input. I guess I should have given more facts, I just wanted to keep it short. I live with my mother and was living here when my dad died. When he died my mom became very confused and couldn't do the normal things (writing checks, doing laundry, etc.) that she did before. I understood completely and had to take over everything to see that it got done. As I said before, I'm not complaining about any of this at all. I love my mom, she's the most important person in my life and I would do anything for her. I am still doing everything (my dad died in February) and she is still confused somewhat. I just couldn't understand her change in attitude toward me because we have always been very close. I have listened and talked with her about her feelings, and she won't go to anyone for support.

But I think some of the things you have told me have given me new insight and will help. I just feel very lost, but I will try to cope with it. I think this site will help me too. Again, thank you so much for replying.

[Paul S]

Hi shell,

I know this is an old topic, but I went trolling for what was being said on the board "long ago" and came across this one.

It's nice that I did, as it relates to some things I wonder about during my grieving over my Mom these past few months.

OK, here it is: My Dad died in Sept 1995. Mom and Dad were married 58 years. I moved home from California shortly after his death and looked after Mom (she had serious health issues, had an operation right after Dad died).

I knew she was grieving, but I had little knowledge of this whole grieving process. I thought "grief counselors" only helped people to get over traumatic deaths, like from terrible accidents, terrorist attacks and such. Not from normal, 'expected' death.

Jeepers, I have learned so much these past 9 months (tomorrow is the 9th month anniv of Mom's death). I am sometimes plagued by wondering about thoughts of any stupid comments or actions or expectations I may have had during late 1995 and the next few years, ignorant as I was about all this. And wondering about what exactly she was going through, and what behavior may have been attributed to "grief" or just old age. And what I could have done, had I known better. My God...

My Mom said years later that it took her about 3 years to get over his death. ("Get over" may mean something different to her than to others. (58 years of marriage. 5 kids, one of them dying before she did. 2 divorces among her kids, several among her grandkids. The Great Depression. WW2.) I know she ocassionally referred to me by Dad's name (for about 2 years. Not often, but now and then.)

Sometimes I wonder about what she did. Memory is fuzzy, stretching wayback to 1996-1998ish. (I had years of alcohol abuse in there, but got sober a few years before she really needed me.)

I've basically dealt with it, she's in a safer place now and understands it all. But still the pain lingers...

[STARKISS]

Hi Shell,

I am sorry for your loss and all the problems that you are having with your mother. I know when my mom died and it was just my dad and I it was very difficult because I wanted to help him so much and he just kept saying he did not want my help. In the end he was missing my mom so very much that he finally past away four months later. I hope this does not happen with your mom but maybe she is missing your dad and needs some time to deal with the loss. Some times it is easier to talk to a stranger than family maybe there is someone she can confine in. Take care and I will pray for you both to give you the strength to get through this . Shelley

[shell]

Paul S and shelley,

Thanks for replying. This was my very first post on this board. It's been a year and a half since my dad died and my mom is better in some ways and getting worse in others. I just keep hoping it is grief and age, not some form of dementia. That is my greatest fear and I have read so much on the subject, trying to determine which it is. Anyway, I guess only time will tell and I just pray for the best. She would never go to a counselor, and she won't try an antidepressant or anything like that. Again, thanks for your replies.

Hugs to you both,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi Shell,

I just wanted to say you are most welcome and do not be afraid to ask us for help. Eventhough we are not near to you we can still help by writing and offering information and also prayers for both you and your mom.

Take care Shelley

[shell]

Thanks so much Shelley!

Hugs to you,

Shell

[Charlie1]

Shell,

You are an inspiration to us all.

I will pray for you.

Charlie1

[Haley]

Shell

You deserve the award for "Helping so many people and alway being there for us know matter what" I have turned to you a few times and talked to you its great. You are a great person!! Maybe your mom is just trying to protect you so that when her time comes she thinks that you won't be hurt like she was I know that it sounds weird but maybe that is her way of thinking that if she puts a wall up your heart will somehow turn to stone. WE ALL KNOW IT WONT but to your mom maybe that is her way of thinking. Maybe you could turn to her for advice and than have her take her own advice on your fathers passing.

Thanks

Haley

[MartyT]

Dear Paul,

I feel compelled to respond to something you said in your post:

Jeepers, I have learned so much these past 9 months (tomorrow is the 9th month anniv of Mom's death). I am sometimes plagued by wondering about thoughts of any stupid comments or actions or expectations I may have had during late 1995 and the next few years, ignorant as I was about all this. And wondering about what exactly she was going through, and what behavior may have been attributed to "grief" or just old age. And what I could have done, had I known better. My God...

One of the things I love about you, Paul, is your openness and honesty in sharing what you're thinking and feeling, and your willingness to learn and grow from your experiences. I so admire that in you. What struck me about your comment above is that so often I've felt the same way about my own mother after my father died too soon in 1976. I have learned sooooo much about grief and mourning in the years since then, Paul, and if I had it to do all over again, believe me, there is so much that I would do differently in how I supported (or failed to support) my mother in her grief. But you know what? We cannot know what we do not know!

At the time of my father's death, and even when my mother died several years later, I did not know about hospice, I did not know about funerals and rituals and memorials, I did not know what was normal in my own grief, much less how to offer compassionate companionship and comfort to the bereaved, and I did not know what I know now about death, dying, grief and mourning. But I am a far more effective grief counselor today, and a better companion to the bereaved, because of what I've learned along the way ~ not only from my own experiences with loss, from what I've studied and read, and from the work that I do now, but also from what I've learned from you and all the other wonderful people who are part of this very special online community. As you've so often said, grief changes us, and it is up to us to learn the lessons it has to teach us.

So let us forgive ourselves for what we did not know, acknowledging that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. Let us continue to share and learn and grow together, as a way of honoring our precious loved ones. And let us celebrate how far we've come from where we used to be!

[Paul S]

Hi MartyT:

Thanks, I do feel better about it after your advice. I was also drinking a lot, and some of my worries were about if anything was alcohol-fueled. Not that I was pickled all the time, but often enough. But I was mostly concerned about ignorance-based, not alcohol-based actions. It wasn't until 2001 (well after the 1995-98 period in question) that anyone in the family noticed that I had a problem with something.

I do tend to be hard on myself and give myself little credit. My own worst enemy sometimes. I need to dwell on how far I've come and where I used to be.

haley: I second the nomination for shell to get the award for "Helping so many people and alway being there for us no matter what".

Gosh, shell's the "Official Greeter and Hugger", and now she gets an award. Wow.

[shell]

Oh, you guys, are so nice. I'm blushing, I swear! Thanks, thanks, thanks.

Haley,

I never thought of that. Something for me to mull over. Thanks for the suggestion.

Marty,

I agree with you about Paul. I so admire him too.

Charlie,

Thank you. I need all the prayers I can get.

Hugs to all of you,

Shell