Anger And Hurt

[Froggie4635]

I am feeling all sorts of emotions right now, and I didn't want to tread on someone else's post. I am feeling hurt and a lot of possible mis-directed anger. I've read a lot about unexpressed grief from the past being stirred up by new grief, and I am not sure if that is what I am feeling. Mother's Day is this Sunday. In the past, Mark would always receive an email from his sister (a group email amongst siblings) about what to do for their mom. I personally have already purchased something for Mark's mom. My thoughts since Mark died have always included his mom...how hard this Mother's Day is going to be. I cannot relate on a mother level, because I have never been a mother. I can't pretend to know how it hurts to lose a child. But somehow this year, I kind of wanted to be included as more than just the sister-in-law. I wrote Mark's sister an email to see what plans they had for Sunday, and if everyone was going to go to mass as part of the day. Now I know that all Mark's sisters have their own families, and want to allow for their own celebrations with their children. The response I got from his sister really hurt me. Right now I want to respond to her email in a not very nice manner, but I know it won't do anything to help me feel better...it would probably make me feel worse, and guilty.

I kind of always didn't give much attention to Mother's Day; perhaps I was trying to forget about it because my mother is dead. I always went along with Mark so he could be with his mom, and his family. But this year, I think I am feeling that loss of my mom, because of my loss of Mark. I know I may be feeling hyper-sensitive, but I interpreted Mark's sisters email as telling me that it is THEIR mother and not mine. I know she is not my mother, but I was married to her son. I guess I am just feeling put in my place right now, and it has brought some anger to me. I always accepted the idea that I married into a big family, and never once did I make Mark choose between me and his family. If there was an event, and I did not feel like going, I never tried to keep Mark from going. I never made him make a choice...I did that. He knew there were times when I felt out of place at a Mueller family event. A lot of times all the conversations at the get-togethers were about babies and children and the things that went along with those two topics. We talked about our feelings that we didn't quite fit in because we did not have children. But I would never try and keep him away from his family. Now that Mark is gone, I feel like the outsider standing there looking in. Does that make me sound irrational? Am I looking at things from a self-absorbed place? Do any of his siblings know that the day Mark died, I was more concerned about how it was going to affect his mom than my own self?

This is one of those times when I can't say anything to anyone in the family, because it would create hard feelings, and that is not my intention. But I feel hurt and put in my place.

[kayc]

It's okay to let his sister know that her reply hurt you and why, but I wouldn't tell her that until/unless I could do so in a gentle and kind way. If you're feeling too much hurt/anger over it, I'd let it pass for now. A word spoken is not easily retrieved and a soft answer turns away wrath, so that's always been my motto (except when I forget). I am really sorry you're hurting. Sometimes things like Christmas, Mother's Day, etc. can stir up more hurt, more feeling left out, abandoned, disappointment, etc. I'm feeling it right now because I've heard nothing from my kids about getting together for Mother's Day, just as I heard nothing from them about getting together for Easter, etc. I never would have let my mom be alone on those days. And now that my mom is gone and this is my first year without her, you'd think they'd think of me being alone, always alone. I will get together with a friend, but it's not the same, esp. when you feel abandoned by family that should be thinking of you.

I don't know why death changes things in families, to me it shouldn't, but it seems to. My husband's siblings & dad disappeared after his funeral, in fact, most of them did not even bother attending his funeral, and all but one lives close enough to have made the drive (excepting his kids, who live out of state). This is esp. hard when you and Mark were everything to each other.

You do not sound irrational or self-absorbed. I don't know what his sister said to you, but I'm sorry you're hurting from it. And as for "your place"...remember what your place was with Mark...THAT is "your place". He thought the world of you and you were #1 to him...that has not changed, only his ability to remind you of it.

[mittam99]

Maryann, unfortunately most people are very self-centered and someone else's grief is simply something they'd rather not deal with. In my grief I've reached out to so many and so few have cared enough to even give me a shoulder to cry on. Put simply, that sucks but it is the reality,

Try not to let other people's insensitivity get to you. I know it's easier said than done, though.

This May 10th is going to be very traumatic for me. My 60th birthday falls on Mother's Day this year. The only birthday present I'd want, I simply can't have.

[Froggie4635]

Mitch,

I remember on my birthday, I made the same wish. Our love for our beloved makes it an easy wish to make, but circumstances make it one we know won't be granted.

Since my mom has been gone since 1999, I didn't celebrate or even Mark the holiday. I missed her, but tried to avoid it. After I met Mark, we took part in the celebrations, though for his mom not mine. This year I am missing them both.

[Deeana]

Are you invited to their family get together? Are you going? If not, is there any way you could get together separately with his mom?

My husband's family totally dropped me after his death. Not that we were particularly close. But I had had them for dinners, had gone to their houses for holidays, etc. And I was sensitive to and included their wishes in the funeral plans.

I am not saying this is going to happen to you, by the way. But it happens.

[Froggie4635]

Deeana...

Mark's mom picks me up from work each night (I don't drive yet). Tonight she asked me if I was going to go to mass with them on Saturday and then go to the dinner. I told her I was thinking about it. I then asked her if anyone was going to be with her on Sunday. She said, not that she knew of. I told her that I would rather come and spend time with her on Sunday, Mother's Day. I know Mark would have done it...whether anyone was going to be there or not. When the family gets together, it is no longer about her...it's about the kids and what they are doing. I don't want a day, especially THIS Mother's Day to be about anything but her. I know she is not my mother, but she was Mark's mother. I am her closest connection to him, and she is my closest connection to him.

I don't want to know what the other kids think about me or my mourning and grief. None of them have lost a spouse. I never see half the affection between any of them that Mark and I showed each other. I don't want to sound mean or judgmental, but they have no idea the hurt I feel. I don't want to spend the time trying to keep a brave face while the children run around and that is all anyone notices.

[kayc]

Maryann,

You are such a sweetie! I wish I had YOU for a daughter in law! You are very sensitive and seeing, and I'm sure you are a great consolation to Mark's mother.