I'm Afraid That I've Royally Screwed Up

[Suitearia]

I have 2 things crashing on my head right now that have me on the verge of panic. Ric had 3 sisters, he left a small amount of money to 2 of them but not the 3rd. When I got the life insurance distribution I paid the 3rd sister for the bulletins that she paid for and then I sent her the same amount that the other 2 sisters would have gotten. Well open the hornets nest. The one sister that calls me asked me if sent what I said I was and I said yes. Well she chastised me about that making sure I understood how devious the eldest sister was. At the time I couldn't remember everything Ric had said about her and to be honest we didn't have the time to go over his beneficiaries. So I'm feeling upset that Ric might be upset I gave his oldest sister money. "Don't you ever do anything like that again ..." is what she said to me tonight.

Then guilt trip number 2 ... in his will Ric wanted me to be the trustee for his 3 grandchildren. But for a retirement IRA, I don't have any control over the distribution. In our case Vanguard managed the account. One grandson is 14 so all he had to do was write a letter naming who he wanted to be the custodian of his portion of his Grandaddies IRA. Of course he named his mother. The other 2 kids are under 14 so they needed a legal custodian. We didn't have to file probate and under pressure I didn't know what to do so I let their mother assume custodianship of the smaller children's accounts.

Now I am fretting that I've royally screwed up and Ric is peeved at me ... last night I was reading and typing in the blogs when something fell off of the bookcases (there is no air conditioning duct over in that corner or ceiling fan). It was the first photograph that Ric and I had taken at a family occasion (Christmas 2002). At first I thought Ric was reaching out ... maybe now he's peeved and threw us down to tell me that.

Now how nuts am I? I didn't mean to rile the sisters up ... but now I full of doubts and fear.

[Suitearia]

The picture is our last photograph taken the first of February this year.

[KATPILOT]

Suzanne you haven't screwed up. It is very important in grieving that we understand how hard it is to make decisions and think clearly or even research options.

One thing we should remember is that we don't have to hurry to make decisions. Grieving souls need more time to gather their thoughts and make the best decisions. Also remember something I read in a book for the newly grieving and that is that you are not a bank. People will pressure you sometimes to do things when you are the most vulnerable.

As for Ric. Truly you must know that he loves you and anger just has no place on the other side. I think the picture falling is simply a sign that he is with you while you need him the most. What has happened will work out. You did the best you could do and the sisters will understand that in time.

That is simply the most loving picture......thank you and Ric for sharing it.

[Suitearia]

Thank you Katpilot ... his sister just got me all messed up.

[kayc]

Oh Suzanne, My heart goes out to you! Surely Ric loves and understands you better than that! As Katpilot said, when we are grieving, esp. in the early months, it's hard for our brains to focus and think clearly, and we can only do our best! His sisters would have done well to ask you rather than react to you, that was uncalled for. They are reacting out of THEIR grief, which often doesn't bring out one's best. Clearly grief is challenging and hard to get through!

About the picture...or maybe it just fell down of it's own accord as the wind hit it. Try not to think the worst but the best. Try to have faith in Ric's love for you and his deep appreciation for what you have tried to do. If you gave the amount to the two sisters that he wanted you to, the $ you gave the third sister was yours to give to whomever you wanted as you saw fit! You sound to me like someone very sensitive and caring and not wanting to hurt or offend anyone...and for that you get attacked?! That was not deserved. Try not to receive it.

[Suitearia]

Thank you KayC ...

A friend from Indiana was in Bonita Springs and she drove over to the east coast to spend some time time with me this morning. She said pretty much what you said. The sister was out of line and caught me at a sensitive moment (all moments right now seem to be sensitive). And I do have a tendency to think the worst and over-react. That is a hard habit to break but it's a burdensome personality trait (I can trace this tendency back to childhood).

Maybe as I learn to meditate I will build more positive ways of handling stress and not automatically start thinking the worst and beat myself up when I know that I'm doing the best that I can. I shouldn't have accepted the guilt that his sister put on me last night; that I was letting Ric down and not doing what he wanted me to do.

When the older sister called me to say thank you, we talked awhile and I shared Ric's concern over his daughter taking the money he'd set aside for the children. Since the money was in a retirement IRA, I had no say over how it was distributed. According to Vanguard, one grandson is 14 and could write a letter designating who he wanted as custodian of his inherited IRA, and of course he designated his mother. For the other 2 who are under 14, I would have had to gone to court and petitioned the court to appoint me as custodian of their inherited IRA accounts. This gets complicated; I am in FL and they live in IN and it is unlikely that a court would assign me custodian based on Ric's will in the absence of any "proof" that his daughter was financially negligent. Plus I don't have the money to hire a lawyer.

Today I can say that when Ric made his will last year he/we should have done the research to determine what happens to a retirement IRA when the account owner dies. Today I can say that we both made assumptions without finding out the facts. I want to fulfill his wishes and last night I fell under a burden of guilt I felt that I'd let him down. The Celestine Prophecy in the 10th insight talks about fear and how damaging it is to the person and potentially their relationships when we cannot control our response to it.

Families are complicated ... I wonder if they are complicated in the afterlife too

[kayc]

When my mom died she left everything to her youngest, her only son and left us five girls out completely. None of us had offended her, we'd been there for her all our lives, but she grew up thinking only boys had value. Sad legacy. I dealt with it by determining that 1) I would not let it cause friction between my brother and I. 2) I've lived without all her stuff all my life and can continue to do so. 3) It's her stuff to do with as she will.

I'm okay with it. I want you to know that whatever mistakes are made regarding inheritance, life goes on and all concerned can learn to deal with it. I hope you can let it go, knowing you and Ric did the best you knew how with the knowledge you had (and could afford). None of us are guaranteed any inheritance.

[Suitearia]

I was reading in the book "I wasn't ready to say Goodbye" yesterday and while the book didn't pertain to my situation, there were pieces that spoke to me. On page 42 a woman is saying (about her mother who had died suddenly): "what if she doesn't approve of the choices I have made? What if she can see my whole life now, and doesn't like some of the things I have done?

The counselor states: Our own self doubt can hamper our ability to communicate with our loved one. True love between people is unconditional, loving our strengths and weaknesses, even when they do not understand or agree with them.

My childhood and first marriage history asserted itself Friday night andself-doubt and fear took over and I lost it. I am thinking as a human thinks (and i don't know how our people think in the afterlife). After 13 years Ric does understand me and knows that I would not deliberately go against his wishes.

Thank you everyone for helping me through this emotional crisis.

[kayc]

Suzanne,

Thank you for sharing that. It's a reminder to all of us that we need to continue faith in the loving relationship we shared with our loved one, no matter how long it's been, no matter that we can't "talk it out" now like we used to. I think self doubt is something all of us have experienced, we're human, but we need to reassure ourselves too, that what we know to be true about our loved one...is still true.