Suitearia

Good morning. I don't know if our loved ones back Home grieve as we grieve but I had an experience not long ago. One morning as I was in that sleep/wake state with my eyes still closed I saw a cell phone. On the screen I saw these words "from Ric". Then I saw these words "I love you" "I miss you" and "I wish you were here". So yes, I think that our loved ones can and do miss us, but I also believe that those emotions will not be exactly like we experience in our physical body with our human limitations. They are ever around us, but sometimes we just cannot feel them, hear them, or recognize a sign when it comes. Early in my greiving last year I had some experiences that I believe were permitted because I needed to be reassured that he was ok and hadn't forgotten about me and because he needed to "touch" me as well. But as they heal and realize that we are doing well they begin to fully appreciate being Home and all the experiences that come with that. I would tell Clematis that your father knows that you've moved (or are moving); all is well there. God's love and angel blessings to all of us on this site and to me as well ...

There is never a need to apologize here for your feelings - we've all been there and experienced what you are feeling. Even today, 13 months after my husband died, I look at pictures and wonder "how can this be" and it feels surreal. The positive here is that you went to the casino anyway (my Ric loved the casino and playing a bit of poker) and played a bit (coming home a bit richer)

Hello Butch. I haven't posted in quite a long time. My husband, Ric, died 5/1/15 and now I'm with my father who has been admitted to hospice. Even a year later it feels surreal that Ric is "gone from my sight" and I still replay the morning I had walked to the bathroom and when returning to the side of his hospital bed I was told "he just expired". What a harsh word that is but I suppose any word used to say your loved one died would be harsh. I have learned over this past year that I don't think of 6:30am on 5/1/15 as often and while it can still bring tears they aren't as intense. My thoughts and prayers are with you and every person that shares their loss, every person that supports each of us here, and those individuals that prefer to read and manage their grief privately.

Hello Ricky. I am so sorry for your loss and this is a good place to share and be a part of a community. I lost my Ric on May 1st from metatstatic cancer. He'd been ill many years and while I new he was dying, hearing the words "I'm sorry but he just expired" ripped my world and my soul in 2. I've gotten a lot of help here from people who've been on our path for many years. Hang in there Ricky ... hang in there.

I too am in the place of having to change things ... one of the things that hit me the first of August is that Fort Lauderdale is not my home and that while I came with my husband I'm leaving alone. He's still w/me in spirit but you understand what I'm saying. I put our house in Indiana on the market Thursday 9/10 when I go back there. I have to move from this condo as it's more than I can afford and 20 floors up sometimes I feel far far away. On 9/22 the furniture consignment folks pick up the rest of our stuff ... it's all too big for me and won't fit into the 1 bedroom apartment I'm going to move into. Plus the cost of moving it is too much for me. Now I'm sleeping in the living room (I started to sleep there, where his hospital bed was, when Erika was coming toward S FL and the lightening and storms were hitting us. I've felt him nudging me to go buy myself a new bed, and I will. The blow up mattress will only work for so long. That means that I started going through his clothes this weekend and that has been very hard. I cry and smell them to see if there's anything left of him. It feels wrong to go through and give his things away (I'm keeping some clothing and shoes that I just cannot part w/yet ... and jewelery too). Yet I'm excited to to begin anew in a new community, in a new apartment. And you know what ... Ric will right there with me. And I'll have friends there ...

Debi ... give him time. He may need to heal a little bit and get used to his new life. He may have been trying to get through to you and just cannot. I've read that when we are so raw and emotional after grief that it can be hard for them to get through. I've read a lot of books on grief, a lot. My favorite remains one by Doreen Virtue and James Van Praagh called "how to heal a broken heart". On page 5 they talk about sending healing prayers to Heaven. Here is what the authors say " Heaven sends you healing prayers and you can send them back to heaven! Pray for your loved ones in Spirit, sending then love and asking God, Jesus, and the angels to help them as they transition into the afterlife". Don't forget to ask God, Jesus, and the angels to send you love to heal and help you transition in your new life as well. My therapist just reminded me of that one ... This meant a lot to me as it gave me something to DO for Ric. I could still love him and touch him through prayer. I hope that this doesn't offend you ... Our loved ones are around us. Sometimes it takes us awhile to realize it ... and I'll confess Debi, I've been jealous when I wasn't getting anything and others were (and not just here). {hugs to you}

I too have had some mystical experiences and still do ... I remember one morning hearing my name shouted and it literally shocked me away. Then I realized the call had come from inside of me and I quickly sent the words by thought "I'm here Ric". Sometimes I'm awakened, and go to sleep, just feeling his energy move over my body. When I feel the energy I send the thought "I feel you". It is comforting to me to know that there are times that he's still close to me. I also forgot to mention that I FINALLY saw him in full technicolor (almost 120 days after he died) last Monday morning. I remember I came out of terminal (like an airport or bus terminal) and I just stood there looking. I turned to my right and there he was, Mr. Handsome Man. It was raining, and he was standing under an umbrella ... strong and healthy ... and he looked happy. He was also standing in front of his new 5 series BMW that he'd bought just before he died (that I had to return to the dealer). I was really happy to see that he had his car. Then he waved at me and I started moving toward him. Then the closer I got the dream faded and I woke up. I was so happy and so grateful for my dream.

Hello Saint ... I do know how you feel. Ric and I were together 24/7 and we moved to Florida because he was born in the south (Mobile) and wanted to go south and secondly he didn't want to die in Indiana. I don't have any friends here ... the few that came to see Ric have moved on. So I'm very isolated. My lease ends in Dec and I've decided not to renew it. It isn't good for me to be in such isolation ... that is clear to me now. I will put our house on the market in Sept when I go back to Indiana to visit family. We had already planned to do that ... I am so sorry for your loss Saint, and for your's too Andre, and for you too Kevin. What a roller coaster ride this is ... a ride that never seems to end.

Maryann I did read that story after you posted it and I was so jealous! I didn't start really meditating until 7/3 ... and now I'm hooked. My struggle has been with reconciling past religious teachings with how my life and my spirituality is changing. My sister will say "what are you reading" and I'll say "Adventures of the Soul" and she'll say "Oh". She'd really croak if she knew that I had Dr. Brian Weiss's book "Only Love is Real" talking about past life regression. I find that I just want to see what people have to say about everything ... I will tell you booking that course in Austin was such a struggle for me as I battled the should I or shouldn't I routine. Finally I just hit the submit button and I was committed. Then I went to book airfare and accidentally booked it for San Antonio ... not sure how I made that costly mistake. I got the hotel right though

I took my first solo trip driving from Fort Lauderdale to Sarasota (not far about 3.5 hours) last weekend; but at one point I had a panic attack and had to pull off of the road. I drove down a little road in the middle of the Everglades and let my head clear and my heart stop racing before I got back on the road and finished my trip. I drove home without incident. I also called EAP this week and I meet with the counselor next Wed. Next month I fly home to Indiana, then to Vegas with my sister for a dental convention :-), then the following week to Austin to see a medium and take a workshop (meditation techniques and such ... which works for me since my woo-woo woman has come out of hiding). I will tell you that the first time I went to the beach after Ric died all I could see were the couples and families. I really felt my loss that day. But now I notice the silly (and sometimes nasty) things that people are doing on the beach and I think (don't you realize that people can see you doing that?). Or that those photos are going to land on the internet ....

Maryann I feel the same way. Ric was my second marriage (the first ended in divorce due to domestic abuse). At this point in my grief I just cannot imagine having another relationship. I just don't want to go through all the "getting to know you stuff" again. I would like to use what time I have left to leave a positive imprint on the world; to find my soul's true purpose and and then put that into action. In mid July I got a letter from the "Living Memorial Program" that Fred Hunter Funeral Home had made a request on our behalf that a tree seedling be planted in a national forest to serve as memorial for Ric. That really touched me ... "The significance of a unique life is symbolized with the planting of a tree". The letter said that to date 13 million trees had been planted as living memorials.

I agree with Andre and Maryann. I'm 3 months in ... sometimes I want to cry when driving and of course I cannot drive and cry too well so I stuff it. Then when I get home, the urge to cry is lost. A week or so ago I wanted to meditate. I sat down and started my deep breathing but something was wrong .... I just started to feel agitated and knew that I couldn't settle. So I got up and all of a sudden I just started to cry. I cried and cried until I was worn out. Sometimes when I meditate, I cry. That seems to be a safe place for me to cry. I have a picture I kiss goodnight too as well. I will tell Ric with my thoughts "I know that you aren't in this picture, but I cannot see you. Your picture I can see so I kiss it". There is no right or wrong to this journey; but I'd say this ... allow yourself to FEEL your grief. That is what I'm learning ... to give myself permission to FEEL.

I am going to see the medium James Van Praag. For me Friday is watching to see how it works and Saturday is the workshop. I will definitely share for anyone who is open to mediumship.

It was terrifying KayC and thank you for the support. I contacted my EAP this morning and have a list of providers to choose from. I sent the list to a nurse that I know to see if she has heard anything about these people ... then I'll make the appointment. September will be interesting. I am going back to Indiana to see family and friends and to put the house on the market. Then my sister talked me into going w/her to a dental convention in Vegas. I have conflicting feelings about Vegas but it will be good to just have 1:1 time with my sister. The following week I decided to attend a workshop by James Van Praagh in Austin. If I'm to help others, as you and the other more advanced members do, then I have to do the work to heal ... or I cannot help anyone.

Marty ... I love the pooh bear and quote. I am also taking it for myself as well. I have had a Boyd Bear that looks like a Pooh Bear that I've had for almost 20 years. Luna, I am so sorry for your loss. On August 1st my husband had been gone 3 months. He'd been ill for many years; but regardless of how the moment of physical death comes it's no less shocking or devastating. I send you prayers ... I send my husband love everyday. That is something that I can do and now, after all of these weeks, sometimes, when I'm very very still I can feel the love coming back. ((here's a hug for you))

Good morning. I haven't posted for awhile but I wanted to share some of the steps I've made and the challenge in moving forward into this new life. I am Fort Lauderdale and I am blessed to be leasing our condo with a marvelous view of the ocean ... however our lease is up in December and I will not be renewing the lease. I will also be putting our house in Indiana on the market 9/10 when I travel home for about 10 days. Our neighbor in Indiana just bought their retirement home in Sarasota FL. They tossed the idea out there that I might want to rent their house for a little while and let them visit for long weekends and such. I said it was nice to have some options. I just started attending the Metaphysical Church of S. FL. a couple of weeks ago and had noted that there is a sister church in Sarasota (more established church). So I went to Sarasota over the weekend to see my friends house, check out the city, and the church on Sunday morning. What I hadn't expected was how hard this was going to be for me. This is about a 3.5 hour drive from Fort Lauderdale to Sarasota. I was in the middle of Alligator Alley when I had a panic attack. I'm driving along and all of a sudden this thought enters my head "you are going to steer your car into the path of oncoming traffic". Along with the though came a flood of adrenaline (if anyone has had a panic attack you know what I'm talking about) and I started to shake. I am replying to the thought "O NO I"M NOT!" but the thought came back "O yes you are". I slowed the car down a bit and pulled off the interstate at the first exit. This is the everglades and for most of these exits there aren't any stores or shops. So I just slowed the car down and drove for about 8 miles until I felt calmer and the worst of the adrenaline rush was over. Then I turned around and got back on the interstate. Soon I saw the signs for Naples and knew that I'd made it. However, I wasn't completely clear yet. That afternoon I'm walking in downtown Sarasota by the gulf and this silly song starts playing in my head "I'm gonna git ya, I'm gonna gonna git ya" .... again where in hades did that come from? I don't even know the rest of the words to that song. So the fear started again as tomorrow I had to drive 3.5 hours home and back through Alligator Alley. That night in my hotel room I realized that it was August 1. Ric had been gone 3 months Saturday. My brain hadn't registered the day when I left home but my body had. I do feel Ric around me. I feel his energy often along my back and up and down my back. He met me in the hotel room and as I felt his energy I started to calm down, this new surge of anxiety lessen, and I heard in my mind "I love you". I prayed, left a light on, and slept soundly. In church the next morning, I do go and receive healing prayer. Back in my seat I heard this reassurance "you won't have any trouble driving home). And I didn't. I held onto that assurance. During the drive I was reminded to deep breath every so often - that helped. And my mantra. I am fearless. Fearless doesn't mean that I don't feel fear or that I'm not afraid. I do feel fear and I am afraid at times. However, to be fearless means that I have Courage to use my fear to propel me forward rather than allow my fear to paralyze me .... I got home safely but as I drove along the beach I felt sad. I realized that my time here was coming to an end. Fort Lauderdale, as much as I like it, isn't my home. Ric and I came to this city together (we knew he was dying and he didn't want to die in Indiana) but I'm leaving it alone. That hit very hard. When I got to my apartment the flood of tears broke loose ... but I'm ok. Ric reminded me that wherever I go he is with me. When I drive from Fort Lauderdale the last time in December, I won't be alone. He'll be there too. Attached is a picture of the sun peeking out from behind the clouds that day ... the beams of light always encourages me. They feel like God's fingers reminding me that while I'm grieving, I will make it and that love is always there for me. I hope that my experience encourages someone else to. If so them I'm grateful for the experience Saturday. This was my first solo trip. I have 2 planned in September ... Suzanne

Dear Huntk94 ... my hearts breaks for you. I cannot imagine what pain you are going through right now. Thank you Cujosgirl15 for sharing your story. Two of my kids were cutters and it was very difficult for many years. They just had so much emotional pain that this is how they let it out (my daughter also did significant eraser burns to the insides of her arms). As much as I'd like to say that they've grown into healthy adults but I cannot. They just changed the method of hurting themselves ... I hope that you continue to post here and let us know how you are doing ... I will make sure that I pray for you and your family.

5Gaits I am SO sorry for your loss, I'm sure that it feels like a double whammy ... I lost my husband 5/1/15 and have posted here many times when I thought I was losing it; and I know that Enna and KayC (and many others) give great advice. I send you hugs during this very difficult time ... .

JayNTee ... I too am so sorry for your loss I lost my husband of 13 years 5/1/15. I definitely identify with you when people ask "how are you"; I just say "I'm Ok" most of the time as well. Then others will ask "how are you sleeping". I think that numb is pretty much how I felt for the first 6 weeks; or I'd alternate between feeling sane and then fall into jagged grief. I think that feeling numb is very normal, and like KayC said you're probably still in shock. Please know that I am thinking of you and that this is a great place to let your feelings out ....

Good morning Meg ... Ric's physical body died 5/1/15 so his death is very new to me. Our 13th anniversary was 6/6 and yes I celebrated. We (Ric in my heart and thoughts) went to breakfast at the first restaurant we went to when we moved to S FL in January 2013. That felt very good to me. I took a day off 7/2 and went to a wildlife sanctuary and took a picture of Ric with me. I even posed him in 2 places and took pictures of the picture. While there though, I rare butterfly (a beautiful butterfly called an Atala) landed on a leaf in front of me and stayed there until I was able to find it with my camera and get 3 pictures. It did not move until I walked away. I tried to celebrate the 4th of July by putting out a beer for him and some popcorn while "we" watched fireworks. He may have been there; but it kinda flopped for me. I kept thinking about last year and how we were trying to find a place down by the beach to watch the fireworks and that this would have been the first year we could sit on the terrace and watch from home (we move in Dec 14). So ... I keep going back to the book by Virtue and Praagh "How to Heal a Grieving Heart". On page 41 is entitled: Holidays can still be Special. "Your loved one will still be present for all holidays and special occasions, and you can make the day even more magical by honoring his or her life and memory. For example wrap a box that is filled with love and prayers, and put it under the Christmas tree. You can ceremoniously unwrap it "together", and you will feel you loved one's appreciation. Other ideas, save a chair at a graduation or wedding and celebrate the person's birthday.

It makes sense. You are in a committed relationship just separated by miles.

O Meg I am SO sorry for your loss and your situation. I can promise you that your mother knows how much you love her; she is still alive so you continue to love her. Her body died but the soul cannot be killed nor destroyed. I find that so comforting. Have you tried to talk to her yet? I'm not sure which is best as I've read different stuff; but when I want to talk to Ric sometimes I think the conversation and sometimes I say it aloud. I also find it conforting that we can pray for our loved ones even though their physical bodies are gone ... this is what I pray for my Ric "O Divine Redeemer I am praying that you, Jesus, and the angels pour healing love into Ric and help him as he transitions to the afterlife" then I speak to Ric and ask him to accept my love for him and that I hope that it will strengthen him. It is true that we often receive signs from loved ones who passed. It took some time for Ric to let me know that he was ok ... he had been ill for a long time and probably needed some healing and some time to get used to being back in spirit form. Talk to your mother ... Cry as many tears as you need too ... and give yourself time to heal (it takes time). The more experienced members will respond to you but I wanted to reach out in case you are watching your post. Also, estrangement ... my husband was estranged from his daughter too. He loved her but stuff happens. Like you we were able to get her and the grandchildren here to see her daddy. Like you she is in emotional pain too. [HUGS to you]

I feel for you Erfette ... I really do. I am not the relationship guru by any means however what keeps standing out for me is how many times you mentions anxious, and you mostly trust etc So since you asked let me tell you what I think :-) and you can think about it and decide if it makes sense to you or it doesn't. And I'm sure that Marty has a lot of good resources for your situation as well. But I only have what I have right? There is a book by Louise Hay and David Kessler called You Can Heal Your Heart -- Finding Peace after a Breakup, Divorce, or Death Their redcomendation is that everyone read Chapter 2 "Breakups and Breakthroughs in Relationships". The premise is that thru grief the universe will force all of our unresolved issues to surface for healing. This may be a wonderful time (this separation) for you to explore why you are so feeling so anxious when you perceive that she is pulling away (even when you know that she has so much to handle on her plate now that she doesn't feel that she has the emotional bandwidth to take on more). Maybe you can love her and your relationship by figuring out what issues you need to work on, Page 18: "Part of what keeps many tormented is fear, and one of the underlying fears in the loss of a relationship (and I'd added perceived loss/anticipatory loss) is abandonment". Good luck Erfette ... I hope that you'll post again. And while I bought this book, I first checked it out from our local library

Marty, as usual thank you for the resource. I just keep adding them up ...

Hello KayC: It stands for International Normalised Ratio (INR) and is a measure of how much longer it takes the blood to clot when oral anticoagulation is used. For example, if your INR is 2 the blood is taking twice as long as normal to clot. Everyone needs a unique dosage of anticoagulant, which needs to be kept at a stable level (this is only for those people taking anticoagulents like coumadin)