Why Can't I Feel Him?

[Marti]

Today it is two months without my dad. Last night around 12am I was in bed and began to cry...I kept crying (trying not to wake my fiance) until I had to get up. It was around midnight when I received the call from the hospital telling me that my father had taken a turn for the worse and he wasn't responding. The day before we thought he was improving to the point that they were going to let him out of intensive care. I screamed, sobbed and I couldn't stand....I was a wreck and I was alone. Maybe that's why I get so emotional at night when I go to bed-- I keep reliving it. I can't feel his presence near me and it just hurts to think that he is not here. I don't know how I am suppose to keep going and acting like everything is fine, when in fact, quite the opposite is true. When my mother died I was 17 and barely had time to grieve. I was pregnant 3 months later and married 3 months after that. I had a new family, and besides, I still had my dad. I relied on him more than I care to admit, but he was always there for me. He never said no to me....I was his world. I just wish I could feel him with me. It would bring me some comfort I think. My sisters (we have different fathers) seem to think that maybe I am actually grieving for both of them now. I don't think so as I am not thinking too much of my mother. Although, I have begun to think of myself as an "adult orphan." Scarey. I am just so scared. If anyone has any thoughts, I'd be glad to hear them. Thanks for listening.

~Marti

[Guest Dayna]

I know exactly how you felt. I am a spiritual person, not necessarily in the religious sense though. I believe that once a person's body dies their spirit still lives in and they make frequentent visits. I feel that they are always around us. When I was five years old my grandmother died and I was at the age when I didn't really understand what happened. I remember not long after she died, I woke up one more and asked my dad why grandma was in my room the night before and he got this really strange look on his face and had to explain to me that she died. I remeber saying, "I know she died, but I talked to her last night." He just smiled and said I am sure you did. I remember her being at the foot of my bed, and telling me everything was going to be okay. It was a surreal experience. I have always had things happen to me like that. It was really overwhelming when my dad was sick and the night before he passed away, I felt and heard people that had passed away before talking to me. When my dad passed I thought he would be right back with me. I thought I would hear him talk to me and tell me that everything would be okay and he hasn't and I can't figure out why. I was just talking to my husband the other day about exactly what your feeling. I just said, where is he? Why don't I feel him or see him? The only place I truely felt him was at my moms house, where he passed. So what I decieded to do was buy a few picture frames and I found pictures of him, him and I and of the family. I put the pictures up in my classroom and my house. The reason I hadn't done that until now is because I thought it would be too hard. It is hard to look at the pictures sometimes but it's a different kind of hard. Not one that makes you angry or sad but one that makes you realieze that if it weren't for him you wouldn't be where you are. I feel like he is watching over me and it helps. I walk in my classroom in the morning and say hi to him and I start my day. It may sound weird but it works for me for now. Maybe you could try carrying something of his with you and it might make you feel better. I hope this helps.

[Still a Daughter]

I lost my dad on Thanksgiving day. I also miss not knowing that he is home, waiting for me to come by. In his last months, he became unable to care for his needs by himself. It was difficult for him to allow his daughter to help him with toileting. After one especially awkward afternoon, after I helped him back to his recliner he looked up and said how much he appreciated me. He said that if I ever needed help, to call him. That is the nature of dads. Even though he could hardly walk he wanted to help me. I know you miss your dad terribly. There is no one that knows you as he did. You will miss him over the next months and it will manifest itself when you least expect it. That is the nature of grief. The more you grieve, I feel, is a tribute to how much you cared for him. So I suggest that you cry when you need to, journal if it helps and be in a bad mood when you must. However, when you can get past the last few bad days he had and connect with all the wonderful days you two had together, you will be on the road to coming to terms with the loss. You will never forget him or stop feeling the loss but you will put it in perspective with the rest of your life.

Good luck...Still a Daughter

[jusjenny]

IT IS SO CONFUSING...........BUT WE WILL ALWAYS BE THE DAUGHTER OF OUR FATHER

I am so new to grieving. I lost my father the end of October very suddenly. He left that morning as usual and mid way through his routine passed and we never saw him alive again. I want to respond to the presense of the spirit. I felt my father's presense so strong immediately following his passing and have not felt it lately (3months later). I miss that and have gone into a different mode. Seems while he was 'with me' I was better able to handle things. What I am unable to adjust to is the "numbness" I feel. Life seems surreal and I feel numb to most of the world. I am functioning on a day to day basis, but not without this numbness. Anyway, I think my dad was with me early on to assure me that I would be okay. I think his presense will return in time, at different times, if I leave myself open to him. My thought is that once a person passes there is a fury of activity for them in their new world an as they adjust and learn, they find it easier to come back with us. It is all crazy and I think I will be very grateful to have found this site. My mother's health is an issue as well and my sister and I, though we are close, have to deal with our own emotions concerning both Mom and Daddy. It might be that I was doing better earlier on because the holidays were approaching and I concentrated on getting through to the first of the year. My family was going to be together with some normalcy during holidays regardless of the void left by my dad, their granddad, and greatgranddad. My thought was that it would NEVER be the same, but we had to go on. Now my mission has passed and I am facing the realness of the numbness. I strongly believe that my dad is in a better place and that I will be with him again. Because of my strong faith, I have been suprised by my sometime unsteadyness.

I haven't meant to ramble. I am truly sorry for everyones loss and hope that we all can help each other over the humps as they present themselves. I have found that pictures have helped me.

[mom's girl]

FOR JUSJENNY and MARTI--- I just lost my mother suddenly in Dec. I flew down there and she was in a coma already--I took her off life support 5 days later. She turned 56 in the hosptial. I was to visit her for Christmas the following week!! I never felt her presence when I was there and when she died, it did not feel like she "left"-so maybe she was already gone while she was in the coma. I still do not feel her. I wish I did. I thought she would visit me in my dreams. I am sad every day and cry at least once a day. I wanted to talk to her soooo bad 3 nights ago! She used to call me when I got home from work. In my desparation, I dug out video tapes so I could her voice and see her. She was my best friend and I miss her so much. I keep thinking I will feel her spirit but I do not. I think it will come for me and maybe for you two and the others. Maybe just not in a way you think..... Feels terrible either way and I too feel like an orphan--I was never as close to my dad or bio father. Thanks.