Lost Our Beloved Best Friend

[AT777]

My dog Zander was an 11 year old Shih-Tzu. He was our sweet boy and we loved him like a baby his entire life. His was an extremely healthy dog until last Fall when he developed panniculitis. It was a horrific skin infection but he maintained his happy go lucky attitude even though he hated taking so many pills every day.

Three weeks ago he developed a random case of pneumonia. It was mid week right before we would be leaving for a week long vacation. He went three times to get fluids and was put on steroids and antibiotics. The Friday before our trip I got the vibe that something was very wrong and we had made the difficult decision that we would put him to sleep. When the vet caught wind she said why, he is great, his breath sounds have increased 85% and he is a different dog. We were elated!! I pushed off my instinct and dropped him with a friend who is a vet tech to pet sit.

The next morning as I was rushing to my flight I got a call. Our friend asked if we wanted to speak to her vet now or wait until we landed. I didn't expect anything tragic to be spoken so I went ahead and talked to her. That is when she started talking about a diagnosis with his lungs that made my mind go numb. Something that couldn't be fixed, and how did the other vet miss it? I was in complete shock and as I slowly moved towards the plane I knew things were not going to end well. I gained my composure and when we landed I called back with more questions. I was told he was stable but he could pass away at any time. All we wanted was to make sure he was not alone when he passed. As silly as it sounds, we decided to facetime our dog that afternoon. He was alert and perky and responded with a little head tilt when he heard us. We told her we did not want him to suffer so if it did come down to him needing to sleep we agreed, though we hoped he would wait for us. Our friend who was caring for him would need to leave him that evening for 5 hours and I just prayed he was still breathing when she got home. The next morning we got the call. He needed to go in. I called my mom immediately and she rushed to his side so he would be with someone familiar and not be alone. We talked to him one more time on the phone and he sounded terrible. We were devastated but knew we were making the right call.

Flash forward to today, and everyday since. The guilt is immense and painful. It literally feels like my gut and heart are being pulled out of my chest. How did we miss it? How did we not know? Over and over in my mind, especially at night when everyone else sleeps and he would have been my companion. People say that dogs are pack animals and they go off to die, and I respect that maybe he did it because we were gone, but I am still mad. I just don't know how to heal and move forward. I can keep crying every single day, or be happy that we had such a wonderful time with a wonderful dog.

This is where you all come in. Do you have any website recommendations or perhaps books I could read that could ease me out of this pain and into some joy again? There are so many out there and I am just not sure where to start.

Thanks for reading,

AT

[Persie]

Hello,

I understand very well your intense grief along with regret. We also had a shih tzu, Rosie. We got her when she was 11 wks old, and had her for

a wonderful 15 yrs. This past April 26, she had a sudden stroke here at home. We were so upset as to how to handle it. I knew she was

suffering because her head tilted to one side, she was laying on the floor and going in circles and crying. We took her to our vet and he

suggested we put her to sleep. I was torn but knew she couldn't live like that and suffer, she didn't deserve it. With hesitation we said yes

we would have her put to sleep. It was the worse day of my life, truly. I have been crying every day since then. I know we did the right thing,

but I still doubt our decision at times. You came to a very good group and I know there will be lots of good advice. I haven't read any books

yet, but the wonderful people on here will let you know the good books to read. You are not alone, I understand fully what you are

going through. I'm sure someone will reply to you with some very good advice and things to read. Take care.

[MartyT]

My dear, you've asked for website and / or book recommendations, and you're right ~ Nowadays there is a myriad of information available on the topic of pet loss, and it can seem quite overwhelming if you don't know where to begin. May I suggest you start by paying a visit to my Grief Healing website, and most especially to my Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page.

As you read through the material posted there, you will find links to various articles, online email courses and books. Scroll down to the section labeled Books about Pet Loss and you'll find a list of books, each of which I have read myself and would personally recommend. (Hover your mouse over each title to see more information about each title. If you click on the book's title, you can read Amazon's description and reviews, which I think is a useful way to decide which ones would appeal to you.) You can find many of these titles in the pet loss section of your local or online bookstore, or you can ask for them at your community library.

You'll also find a list of articles covering many different aspects of pet loss here: Pet Loss Articles.

[LadyCarrie]

I am so very sorry you are hurting. Your little one, Zander, is beautiful and precious.

We just lost our little Doxie named Callie on July 22, so I understand something of what you feel. We lost our other little Doxie named Ashely last October 10. Both died of kidney disease just 9 months apart. They were cousins, and our babies.

Carrie

[Marj37]

I'm so sorry AT that you had to go thru his end time in that way and that you have questions in your mind. I'm glad he could hear your voice while you were gone.

It's a heart-sore time you are and will be going through the next hours, days and weeks.

And crying is good. So is pounding on your bed.

And we all have questions we ponder over after our loveys have gone.

[kayc]

I am so sorry ab out your loss, and all the more so since you weren't able to be there in person when it happened. I can only imagine how that must have eaten you up. I'm glad you were able to talk to him on the phone so he could hear your voice and be comforted by it.

Someone from our forum wrote this book: (I found it on Amazon), I hope it's okay to mention it here since you inquired about books.

Purr Prints of the Heart: A Cat's Tale of Life, Death, and Beyond by Deborah Barnes

[Critterdoll]

AT, I am so very sorry for your loss!  We all feel your sorrow right along with you.  What a beautiful name and what a beautiful furbaby!  It is not you who should be feeling the guilt but rather, the vet.  You have nothing to feel guilty about!  You placed your trust in a professional and they let you down, you didn't let Zander down! 

I also experienced feelings of guilt, feeling I had let my Spooky down in the end, but was consoled by Marty on that particular issue.  It made me realize we as humans do make mistakes, but I gave Spooky my cat, 21 love filled years and we loved each other immensely, and I have nothing to feel guilty about.  He knew it was his time to go, and nothing I would have done differently would have changed that.  I felt like I didn't pay him enough attention near the end, and that has weighed heavily on me, but I think what counts most is that he knew he was deeply loved for so many years, and I hope he still knows that, where ever he is.

~ Mia ~
 

[Marj37]

Amen! to that Mia !

[Critterdoll]

We could get swallowed up by guilt or remorse if we allow it to happen, but we have to remember two things.  First, we know that we loved our babies to the best of our ability for whatever amount of years we were allowed to enjoy them.  Second, if it is their time to go, it is their time to go, no matter what we do, or try to hold off their departure.  The decision is not in our hands, but in God's hands.  So nowhere in these two points is there room for guilt or remorse.  I am saying this to all of you as well as to myself, because I have felt (and sometimes still do feel) that emotion.

AT, your beloved Zander knew your heart, as all our furbabies knew our hearts. He knew he was greatly loved by you.  Animals are more perceptive than we maybe give them credit for.

~ Mia ~

[Kelly224]

I am so very sorry for your loss! there are no words to describe your loss! All i know is that there is a loss so deep in our hearts from a loss of our fur babies! It's a pain from down below that just plain hurts! They are free from pain & are happy playing on rainbow bridge that is our savior! It's our hearts that are left empty! May we find comfort amongest each other!