Missing Someone I Shouldnt Because I Miss My Dad

[sharirouse]

Hi all,

Sorry Ive been gone so long, its been due to school and I plan to post an update too.

Anyway here is my current issue: Im missing some dude I was in love with because I missed my dad. I know this is the case because this happened when my dad died. I was in love with this stupid boy since I was 16 (im 21) and long story short Im the side girl and pretty much entertain him when he's single which he is not now so therefore he doesnt talk to me. Anyway when we were 16 his cousin got murdered and so he knows what its like to grieve a traumatic death. Not that my dads was unexpected or traumatic (other than to me) I felt he could help me since he used to. I mean when we're good we're great, when we're bad its awful. I thought I was going to marry him and now I have bad self esteem issues.

I contacted him in a lonely moment and I knew he could make me feel better. Anyway, we are approaching my dads 1 yr mark and so far he's helped me, making good points like "dont feel bad for things you didnt do in the past because you have the rest of your life to live for him."

Well the other day, I was crying and at like 2 am I messaged him. I told him that sometimes I feel like all the bad energy I acquired in HS from him and other people could be a reason my dad died. He made it seem like I was a home wrecker and he was my first bf even though he doesnt "count" it. I didnt say it to attack him but I was upset. I feel like its unfair that my dad died but anyway I had asked him if he ever wanted to die after his cousin died because you miss them so much (his cousin was his best friend). I also told him i didnt think he read my messages but its okay because its nice to have someone to just listen if that makes sense. Anyway I told him that and he just responded with telling me that he reads them but his girlfriends grandma is in the hospital and he drove her from Oklahoma to Oregon!

To be honest I felt like my issues werent important enough. I was also jealous because he never would do that for me. he was supposed to send my dad something before he died but never did because he started dating that girl. Now I realize how petty my issues are with him because they dont matter in the grand scheme of things but I still felt like my grief doesnt matter in a sense and it was like insult to injury.

Should I even keep trying to talk to him about my issues or let it go? I dont need to feel like crap any more than I already do.

[enna]

Dear Shari,

It is good to hear that you have continued to be busy with school. How is it going? Did you take classes this summer? You must be getting close to the end of your studies. How are the classes in medical lab science going? I just know your Dad is so proud of you for your determination to continue your studies.

I think you answered your own question in your last two sentences. Sometimes people can make us feel uncomfortable when we are in mourning and that is usually a sign that they may not be good for us. Only you will know that. It’s always been said that if it doesn’t feel right it usually isn’t.

You asked your friend a question that is quite common in grief ~ “Did you ever want to die after your cousin died?” and I don’t know if you received an answer but I can assure you that this question is asked by many who are left behind after a loved one dies. Our hearts are broken and it seems like all would be okay if only we could be with them.

You said something very wise, Shari, when you told your friend, “It’s nice to have someone to just listen.” That is exactly what this forum is all about. Those who come here know the pain of loss and we understand the pain of that loss so we are open to listening to one another. There are no judgments. There isn’t a time limit. We are just here for each other.

Another thing I want to say is that your issues are NOT petty. They are important to you and that is all that matters. It’s like people trying to tell someone that it’s time to “get over” your grief and “get on” with life! We don’t “get over” our grief. We only learn to live with it.

Now, you are coming up to the one-year mark of your Dad’s death. I hope you are planning on doing something special for that day. There are so many things we can do ~ lighting a candle, baking something he really liked to eat, writing a letter to your Dad telling him of all the things you have accomplished this past year, planting a small tree in his memory, or perhaps putting together a collage of memories that could say this reminds me of my Dad. I’m sure you can think of your own things.

You are being thought of during these days. Hugs.

Anne

[sharirouse]

Thank you Anne And school is going good, I actually graduate this coming May! I did take classes this summer and am on a 3 wk break now, although I have one week left. The classes are fun but challenging. I spend most of my time in class and asleep lol and thank you, I appreciate that When I get really exhausted I remember that I promised him and I am so close!

You are so right. I know the answer so why mess with it? I dont know why I didnt just come here to post. Maybe its because his was an instant reply even though he sometimes is more trouble than he is help. It is comforting to know that people have wanted to die as well. I am definitely not suicidal but man, it just seems easier!

When I say its petty, I meant that he upset me but I think it affected me just because Im already vulnerable. I just wish he would say something lol but oh well, he's a man

So far I am planning on getting him flowers and putting them on his door step. Im not sure what else but a letter and a meal that he likes sounds nice. To be honest Im nervous for that date because its also my brothers birthday and I dont want to talk to him about my dads passing! We got into a fight and I feel like he behaved unforgivably. But thats another story lol

Thanks again Hugs!

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Shari, our sweet, little, wise one,

Anne is completely right in all she said to you, of course, and I know you will listen to her.

I was just thinking of you last week, and wondering how you are and what you're "up to." We certainly understand the demands and long, late hours of school; even so, we miss you. We care for you, and are always interested in all you share with us. You should be proud of yourself. You are doing well. I know your heart is hurting, yet you are going to school, and will do well with your life.

You are refreshing in that you understand that people are people, and emotions are emotions, regardless of differences in generations. When I was your age, I loved to talk with the "old folks," and learn their stories. Now, that I "are" one, I enjoy you and the "young folks." It's mostly the outside of us (hairstyles, clothing, and buzzwords) that changes. Some of us are smart enough to know this early in life, and are able to enjoy people of all ages throughout our lives.

I'll share with you a couple of my memories of some of the young ones in our neighborhood.

Until the last few years, some of the kids of our neighborhood used to pile off the school bus into my yard to join me. We talked about everything from their opinions of how my flower gardens should be (I gave them choices) to much, much deeper things, according to their needs. I fed a few who had no one at home after school; was a place of safety for some who were abused at home; and an icon to some (I was just supposed to be here, because I had been here since they were babies). I made Southern biscuits for one, because he enjoyed them so much. These relationships were not planned. They just happened. Some of these kids still come back to visit, and to show off their little ones to me, which makes me happy. Most of the children in our neighborhood had good, loving homes. Somehow several of those who didn't, found their way to our house. Amberly said that I'm a magnet for kids and cats.

Not long ago, as I was getting out of my bathtub, my doorbell rang, and then rang almost incessantly. With my hair wrapped in a towel, I went to the door with the attitude that if the ringer wasn't in trouble, he or she was about to be. The young woman at the door said, "It's me, Mrs. Hall. It's L." I said that I knew who she was, and invited her inside to sit with me on the couch. I asked why she had "sat down on" my doorbell. She said that she had panicked that I might have moved away, and that I just had to be here, because I had been here for her since she was eight (now 25). Within minutes I'd heard her stories of gang rape, drug abuse, and having her little girl taken away from her (and so much more).

She and her five siblings are Alcohol Fetal Syndrome children. Her mother also used heroin during her pregnancy, and did not live in the home while we knew the children. L. was the only girl living with her brothers and an addicted father. All I could really do for L. was listen to her, hold her, and rock her while she cried. That's what she needed from me. She says that she thinks of me holding her as she grew up, and finds comfort by pretending I'm with her now (I did so little, and wish I had done so much more). I know she will return, although she lives far away, if she is able. She's in a scary situation; one I really don't want to know about for the safety of my own family, but I didn't tell her this. My heart hurts for her. It’s usually when I’m thinking of her that she pops back in, so perhaps I’ll see her soon.

The relationship I developed with the boy I made biscuits for began when I caught him at the edge of the forest throwing rocks at my back windows. He was about nine or ten years old. Another little boy was with him. I called Amberly for support. She met me, and we went running through the forest like Robinhood and Little John after them. One got away. I grabbed "mine" by his ear, and held him tight (no pulling or hurting). He declared he had thrown no rocks, but that “the other kid did it.” He identified the other kid by several different names, and we went to each of these kids' homes to speak with the parents, but none of these kids who even existed were involved. He expected me to give up at any time. He did not know me yet.

Finally, we were on our way down the hill of our street to his house (a beautiful new house just built). I still had hold of his ear, but did not pull it, of course. He began to beg me to not tell his father, because "He's a mean one." I told him that I hoped his father would tan his tail. I asked him if he knew who Jesus is, and he said that he didn't. I invited him to my house to hear His stories, but in the meantime, He was the one he'd better give his heart to, because his behind was about to belong to his Daddy.

When I saw his father, I changed my mind instantly, and realized the kid was right. His father was indeed a "mean one," hairy, and the size of Goliath. I put a protective arm around my skinny new little friend, squeezed him close to me, and began to water down the story. By the time I had told it, his son had almost done me a favor. I asked his father to please not punish him, because we had come to an arrangement, and had worked it all out between us. I was just letting him know why his son was late from school, and that it was I who had detained him. His being late was my fault (I believe God understood I had to protect this child). I assured him that his son had learned his lesson, and would require no further discipline. I hope he believed me. In retrospect, I was talking so fast, I’m not sure the man said anything at all. I do remember him raising an eyebrow at me. Holding the boy's ear to keep him from bolting was one thing, but hitting him was quite another.

From that day forward, I had another kid at our house after school. His mother thanked me later for "being there" for her son through the years. She said that he was “always” telling her things about a lady who lived nearby who was good to him. That warmed my heart. He grew up, and became a carpenter. He brought his little girl to visit with me one day, and he was beaming like the proud papa he has become. I was happy that he wanted her to know me.

He was often in trouble in our neighborhood (throwing tomatoes at homes; stealing flowers and bringing them to me!), at school, and with the police, but he never harmed our property. He told Amberly that he'd learned that I am tenacious, and that he did want to keep his ear.

Today, I would not grab a kid’s ear, but at that moment in yesteryear, it seemed like a good idea. Actually, I didn’t think at all. I did talk about it later with his mother who thought it was amusing, because she knew I’d never hurt him or any other child.

Thank you, Shari, for listening to me and my memories of the young ones in our neighborhood who I came to love.

Warm hugs,

Carrie

[kayc]

So good to hear from you! I'm sorry your long time "friend" isn't being there for you the way you feel he should. I hope you find someone more positive for you, someone who WILL be there for you when you need them, especially since you strike me as the type who would always be there for her friends. There's nothing wrong with expecting friends to pull through the same way we would for them, but the art is in recognizing that not all 'friends" WILL. It's up to us to choose the criteria we deem important for friends and decide what is/isn't a deal breaker. I hope you don't let him or anyone affect your self esteem, because what's truly important is how YOU value yourself, and that's something you can work on and you have all the time in the world to do so. Love you!

[sharirouse]

Carrie, Im not sure what I didn’t just come back here! I was telling someone I think its because I wanted immediate responses and I am up late (2 am) and I know some of my friends are too sometimes! But you all can relate to me. He finally told me he couldn’t help because his way didn’t work but luckily I had already decided he was a waste of time lol

And thank you Carrie J I feel like I could be doing better but I think if I kept up with my grief, I would be doing better in school because we all know that grief doesn’t just go away. That guy always told me to just go day by day. No advice on how to deal with it. I think my real issue is that I am upset I cant soothe myself because I pride myself on that haha

I think that’s why I love this forum so much is because I was actually able to realize that we are all human and I agree with what you said! It really is just styles and different words but we all go through the same type of things. I actually love talking to my aunt and such learning about how they did things when they were younger and its funny because we are all definitely re;ated. I can see it in so many things.

That is so wonderful of you! I think everyone needs someone who can care for them that is not in their family, that way they can offer some unbiased advice. They can offer an outside opinion and that way we can run to them when our family is too hard to handle sometimes. That is so sad that her and her family went through such a hard time but its amazing that they found someone to take care of them emotionally and physically J

That’s cute that you took him by the ear! I think I would be terrified if someone granned my by the ear! Its awful that you could tell the type of dad his father was and it gave you an insight to what his family life was life. I definitely feel God is okay with you saying those things to protech him J

And no problem Carrie, I enjoyed them! Im glad you all think I am sweet and wise! I am very flattered!

Hugs!

[sharirouse]

Thanks Kay! I honestly shouldn’t be that surprised because I lost a lot of friends adter my dad died. No one knows how to talk to me anymore, even though I don’t just randomly spew off my grief. I have a few people who are there for me but I think its better this way. Some of those friends were bad enough before I was full of grief so I should look at it as a blessing! I definitely a ride or die friend, Im there all the time, doesn’t matter when and sometimes  I wish I wasn’t so loyal lol. Its funny you say that because he is the reason my self esteem is so low! I am working on it though and its take a lot of prayers for me to realize that I deserve better!  Love you too! Thanks! J

[kayc]

I'm glad you're able to look at it in a positive light...yes, definitely, it weeds out the wusses!  Some people are ineffectual as friends.

Maybe find some positive mantras to tell yourself every day.  You can even get something to play while you sleep.  It can seep into the brain even while not conscious.