Valentine's Day

[kayc]

At Christmas time I was asked to light the advent candle and speak on "love"...I thought, "Why me? Why would my pastor pick me to speak on a subject of which I feel so devoid?" Obviously, I chose a different "love" to speak about than the one George and I shared.

Now Valentine's Day is approaching and I am being asked by my choir director to sing a solo on "love". Again I felt, "Why me? Why wouldn't they pick someone else, someone who hadn't just lost her Love?" I have filled my life as best as I can with new friends and activities and tried so hard to keep an upbeat attitude and smile...yet inside a part of me is still raw and burning with pain and emptiness, a lonliness that misses my husband. I don't even want to attend the valentine's banquet...it's something George and I always did together. He was so good to remember me on Valentine's Day, my birthday, Christmas, and every day inbetween. He was my biggest fan, and I his. I can't listen to barbershop quartets sing love songs and watch other happy couples exchanging glances and holding hands. It's just too hard. How are the rest of you handling these situations?

[Bebekat]

Not very sensitive of your choir director. At least that's my opinion. I haven't even thought of Valentines Day. My little way of avoiding it. I have the card that Tom got me last year sitting next to my bed. It's the last card he ever got me, so I don't know if I will ever throw it away.

There have been, and there are still, events that I have not attended because it just doesn't seem right. I don't care what people think and if anyone has a problem with it, too bad. That's not to say I'm rude, I just have to go with what I'm feeling at that moment. I guess what I am trying to say, is that it is something you will need to decide for yourself. If it hurts too much...You don't need to "make a show" for anyone. It is your grief and that's OK. Sometimes we just can't keep an upbeat attitude. It's hard...and we hurt.

[charlieslove]

KayC - I would have to agree that it's not very sensative of the choir director to ask you to do that. If you don't think you can handle it, I would just tell him/her that it's just too soon. Don't feel like you have to - you make the decision on that.

I was thinking about Valentine's day, yesterday, because they have been advertising a concert on the radio here that I would love to go to. My husband and I used to go to concerts as often as we could. He loved music (mostly rock) and we really enjoyed going together. So when I heard the ad I thought "oh, I'd love to see them" and then I had to stop and realize that I didn't have anyone to go with. Then the ad started talking about the fact that it would be a "Valentine's concert".....I knew for sure I couldn't go then because MY Valentine wouldn't be able to go. Needless to say...the tears started flowing. This will be my 2nd V-day without my love. Last year I was at work and my brother-in-law came by and brought me flowers. I thought that was so sweet, but I sobbed like a baby!

I don't really know how I will handle this one because everything seems so much harder this year, now that the reality has set in.

I'll probably come here and see what all of you are doing.... Thanks for being here with me!!!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58 - 11/16/04)

[Bebekat]

I'll be working on Valentines Day also. I don't know how I will handle it. In a way, I hope I am so busy I don't have time to think about it. Thanks for being here.

[Dusky]

KayC,

I guess I have a different take on the message you have posted regarding Valentines Day. First of all let me say that my first “brush” with that day came two weeks ago when I was walking through a Starbucks waiting to order a cup of coffee and as I was standing there I was next to a stand full of Valentines presents to give to your loved one. By the time I reached the counter to order my drink I was in tears – it was hard just to see all the “stuff” associated with this holiday. However, despite these sad feeling I intend to buy my lost love a Valentines Card – and place it next to his ashes which I have in my living room. Obviously the relationship I have with Jack is now different – but there is still a relationship. It is no longer physical – but one developing “in my mind” so that I can carry him with me into my tomorrows. As painful as it may be to do this I want him with me on that day and this is how I intend to deal with it. I have used the following quote before on this site - and for me it applies to this situation as well – it reads:

“Because he has been here, I will be different than I would have been. I will have to become his legacy. He travels with me into tomorrow. He may have died, but love never ends.”

I think your Choir Director has given you an opportunity. One to help you - not hurt you. Yes there would be pain in what you may sing – but I believe that there is also something for you to share with all the individuals that will hear what you say in the words that you will sing. This is an opportunity to let others know the depth of your love for your George. I say “do it” - and make it the best love song you have ever sung – what a great tribute that would be to your love and for others to see the depth of what you had as a couple.

I have written 9 songs/pomes since my Jack died. Each time I began to write one of these songs/pomes I am in tears – and in pain – but by the time I finish writing the words I fell better – I fell like I had told my Jack how much I loved him – how much I still love him. Perhaps one of these days I can make one of these songs/pomes “come alive” with music. I would not pass up the chance to do that despite the pain the words sometimes carry - because the end result for me would be healing.

Don’t deny yourself a chance to express the love you had – the love you still feel.

That’s is my thought on Valentines Day and what we will all face on that day.

Love to all,

John – Dusky is my handle on here.

[Guest Guest]

At Christmas time I was asked to light the advent candle and speak on "love"...I thought, "Why me? Why would my pastor pick me to speak on a subject of which I feel so devoid?" Obviously, I chose a different "love" to speak about than the one George and I shared.

Now Valentine's Day is approaching and I am being asked by my choir director to sing a solo on "love". Again I felt, "Why me? Why wouldn't they pick someone else, someone who hadn't just lost her Love?" I have filled my life as best as I can with new friends and activities and tried so hard to keep an upbeat attitude and smile...yet inside a part of me is still raw and burning with pain and emptiness, a lonliness that misses my husband. I don't even want to attend the valentine's banquet...it's something George and I always did together. He was so good to remember me on Valentine's Day, my birthday, Christmas, and every day inbetween. He was my biggest fan, and I his. I can't listen to barbershop quartets sing love songs and watch other happy couples exchanging glances and holding hands. It's just too hard. How are the rest of you handling these situations?

Here's what someone said to me this week when a similiar thing happened. I work at a library and someone called me up to the front desk to tell me that

a book I had ordered had arrived at the library. I went over to the shelf to get it--and it was something my husband had ordered months before his death. I started to cry. Later, a librarian said think of it this way, the book was a symbol; a way of knowing that Neil was thinking of me--and since he's not here to communicate with me directly, the book did it for him. So the fact that you're being asked to do these tasks about love and valentines day--george is sending you a valentine. I don't know if it's true or not, but thinking of it that way actually made me feel less lonely. And you know, it could be true. Ping

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing that, I wish I could feel it was so, but I don't. I just feel incredible pain and loss. It seems like it's getting worse/harder, not better. I put up a good front in public, but inside, the pain is killing me. It doesn't do any good to talk to people about it, it'd just make them feel bad, it doesn't alter the fact that he's gone from me and I miss him incredibly. I wish I could tell him what he means to me, what a wonderful husband he was, how incredible of a person he is, that I miss him more than anything in the world. I would give my very breath to have five minutes with him again.

Edited February 14, 2006 by kayc

[charlieslove]

And he knows that Kayc!!! You HAVE to believe that!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004; I love you, Dear!)

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

I know all of us are lost in our thoughts and memories today. I hope it is okay for me to write something to Larry here for Valentines.

To my love, I thank you for the love and the memories I cherish and hold onto now while missing you so. My honey-bunny, who always tried to surprise me on Valentines, I can still see the expression on your face, smiling and loving, so special. You'd always say you needed to go to the grocery store, or some excuse, but you were out buying flowers and candy for me. You gave me a safe place to open my heart and I knew it would always be taken care of. Your illness tried to rob us of our happiness but we didn't let it. Happy Valentines Day my love, always and forever.