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Continual Reminders


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Tonight I ran across a paper that had slipped behind the computer hutch...I pulled it out and looked at it and my heart lurched. It was a sheet of labels my husband had made...it said "Huntleys' Green Beans 2004"...and I realized that was the last time we had canned green beans together. Every year he went and got the green beans and we'd wash and can them and while I was watching the processor, he'd make the labels...he'd put a picture of whatever food we were canning on the label. I realized that last summer I didn't can at all. Last summer was one continual blur of pain. It never ends...the reminders. Reminders of things he'd done for me, bought for me, said to me. Reminders of places we've gone, things we did together. I can't bear to look at pictures of us together...we looked so happy...so unaware of what was to come. So unaware that our life was about to end. Everything exists in the realm of "before" and "after". When I see "before" it pains me. I think, "All that was before I knew...when we were still happy..." Where is my husband? Why can't I reach him? How do you go on, day after day? How do you survive? I try, Lord knows I try so hard. I try to rebuild my life, try to focus on the good, try to look for the positive. Why then do I get hit with continual pain? Why does the missing him hurt so bad? I've been through divorce, it's nothing like this...I thought that was hard, but eventually it heals, and the anger fuels you to survive. But this, it's different, it never goes away, and there's no anger to fuel me...there's just tears of sorrow and aloneness and pain. Deep in the night I feel it especially...in the quiet house where once our love and laughter reigned. I still can't bear to watch a video...we always watched them (and fell asleep) together in each other's arms...it wasn't so much about seeing a movie as it was about cuddling up together and letting the world go. Green beans, movies, presents, love notes...everything serves as a reminder...even the stars, for we used to look at them together. Our porch swing where we were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to die together...drop dead together at a ripe old age, or in a car wreck or something...I wasn't supposed to be left behind at 52. We never even got to retire together! We were supposed to "take the back roads to Roseburg" together, we never got to. Our anniversary was booked at the coast...we even had our "little bears necklaces" that we had custom made that we were going to exchange...but he didn't live long enough to make it to that day. My sweet sweet husband. The sweetest man in all the world. The man with the biggest heart I've ever seen. George, I love you so much, I always will. I try to move on, try to live, but it never stops. Thank God it's not you that was left! I'd never want you to go through this! That's my only consolation...you don't have to go through this. You're safe and happy because somehow God is sparing you from pain. I will see you again. Be ready to hug me...

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KayC, I'm so sorry you are going through a rough period. I don't know if the waves will ever calm. And each is as painful as the one before it. Memories...it's memories you and George made together. It's the little things you two shared that no one else shared with George. It's the shattered dreams we all "left behind" are haunted by. I walk around this empty place still asking WHY? For today I know only that the love is real, is still there. I never look to tomorrow. Today I'll survive without Gene here to hold me. I can only hope the next day will bring the strength to get through another day for all of us. KayC...those labels...they validate that George shared his life with you as no one else could know. They show the joy and love two souls can share from just the littlest of things. I know the pain as all here do. Know that I am thinking about you and everyone else. I wish I could wash away the pain so that the memories were all joyfull rather than heartache. I try and tuck away my little memories in my heart knowing no one else has those memories...no one else has the love Gene and I share. No one else shares my memories and no one can take them away.

George hears you..loves you still...always will. I would not wish this pain on anyone.

My prayers are with you today. My heart aches for all of us.

Always Gene!

Always!

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KayC,

Who would think that green beans would end up having such meaning – and bring on such emotion. I feel your pain and sorrow in every word you have written. You and I are almost the same age and we have lost the dearest part of our lives just when we were about to share all the fruits of our labor. Sometimes that is the hardest thing for me – the lost future – all the years we wanted to spend together growing old. A pain beyond description – I feel for you because I feel the same pain and know exactly what you are feeling.

After 6-months I still find little relief from the pain – although I am trying to ensure that Jack is remembered by the way I live my life and the various things I do to memorialize him and keep the “spirit” of who he was alive. WaltC had posted the words to the Titanic theme song on here a few days ago. The verses to that song pretty much say the way I feel – and I am sure the way you feel too. I thought I would post the words again here for all to re-read. Our loved ones remain in our hearts – forever. The words and music are so powerful and speak what I feel – what you feel – what all those feel that have lost their soul mate – their future together. I feel Jack in my heart every day – I will carry him with me forever. George is with you too - in your heart as well. Love like this is so powerful – and that is why our pain is so great – it matches the love we have. The magnitude of our pain is our best reflection and indication of how much we had - how much we lost – but also of what we are capable of feeling. Because I feel such pain – I know the love was great. You and I are better people for having had the joy of George – and Jack – in our lives. I read so many accounts of loss of a mate – a soul mate - on this site and I realize that I am not alone. I find comfort in not only realizing that others are struggling with this pain – but also in knowing that others have also know the same type of wonderful love experience.

Thanks again to WaltC for originally posting the words below – I know you carry your Jeannie in your heart every day as well. And to all the visitors of this site who have also lost their love - their soul mate – please know that others feel the same pain as you – but - also remember the tremendous love that caused the pain. Our pain is a testament to the strength our love.

Every night in my dreams

I see you, I feel you,

That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance

And spaces between us

You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are

I believe that the heart does go on

Once more you open the door

And you're here in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time

And last for a lifetime

And never let go till we're one

Love was when I loved you

One true time I hold to

In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are

I believe that the heart does go on

Once more you open the door

And you're here in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear,

And I know that my heart will go on

We'll stay forever this way

You are safe in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

"My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion

What greater things is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined... to strengthen each other... to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories

____________________________________________________________________________

My best to you always – May we someday find peace – Bless you – Bless all of you.

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Thank you Dusky...John...

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Tonight I ran across a paper that had slipped behind the computer hutch...I pulled it out and looked at it and my heart lurched. It was a sheet of labels my husband had made...it said "Huntleys' Green Beans 2004"...and I realized that was the last time we had canned green beans together. Every year he went and got the green beans and we'd wash and can them and while I was watching the processor, he'd make the labels...he'd put a picture of whatever food we were canning on the label. I realized that last summer I didn't can at all. Last summer was one continual blur of pain. It never ends...the reminders. Reminders of things he'd done for me, bought for me, said to me. Reminders of places we've gone, things we did together. I can't bear to look at pictures of us together...we looked so happy...so unaware of what was to come. So unaware that our life was about to end. Everything exists in the realm of "before" and "after". When I see "before" it pains me. I think, "All that was before I knew...when we were still happy..." Where is my husband? Why can't I reach him? How do you go on, day after day? How do you survive? I try, Lord knows I try so hard. I try to rebuild my life, try to focus on the good, try to look for the positive. Why then do I get hit with continual pain? Why does the missing him hurt so bad? I've been through divorce, it's nothing like this...I thought that was hard, but eventually it heals, and the anger fuels you to survive. But this, it's different, it never goes away, and there's no anger to fuel me...there's just tears of sorrow and aloneness and pain. Deep in the night I feel it especially...in the quiet house where once our love and laughter reigned. I still can't bear to watch a video...we always watched them (and fell asleep) together in each other's arms...it wasn't so much about seeing a movie as it was about cuddling up together and letting the world go. Green beans, movies, presents, love notes...everything serves as a reminder...even the stars, for we used to look at them together. Our porch swing where we were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to die together...drop dead together at a ripe old age, or in a car wreck or something...I wasn't supposed to be left behind at 52. We never even got to retire together! We were supposed to "take the back roads to Roseburg" together, we never got to. Our anniversary was booked at the coast...we even had our "little bears necklaces" that we had custom made that we were going to exchange...but he didn't live long enough to make it to that day. My sweet sweet husband. The sweetest man in all the world. The man with the biggest heart I've ever seen. George, I love you so much, I always will. I try to move on, try to live, but it never stops. Thank God it's not you that was left! I'd never want you to go through this! That's my only consolation...you don't have to go through this. You're safe and happy because somehow God is sparing you from pain. I will see you again. Be ready to hug me...

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I lost my husband nov 17, 2005, I have been browsing the internet for guidance and comfort. I read your article, it touched me deeply. I was married for 21 years and he died unexpectantly. I look around this home at all our things, I remember all our plans of retirement together, how we would sit together in a rocking chair, I am brokenhearted here in north carolina, and all alone. Kids scattered around, germany, texas, new york. I have a stone that still sits in our back yard that says Grow old with me, the best is yet to come. I took that stone and turned it over, I would like to toss it in the street. I know I am not alone, but the pain is sooo bad isn't it. mguppenberger@nc.rr.com

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I am truly sorry for your pain...sorry that another person has to go through what I am going through. That rock...I think I'd turn it over too. I'm still not able to dig out the cards and letters he gave me, the pictures, it's just way too painful. I never knew anything could hurt so bad. I always thought I was such a strong person, but this has rendered me powerless. All I know is pain right now. I'm so alone.

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Guest Guest_Deborah_*

Kayc, I know you feel alone, so do I. But you have shown me that there are all of us here on this site that support and care. I don't know how to cope either and yet people say get on with your life. Why can't they understand my life died with him. Now its trying to decide if I can go on with life without him. I don't know yet. I did get out the Valentine from last year and the sweet bear with a pink hat. He was so proud of himself and very much the romantic with his cards and notes. How can that be gone? I'm desperately holding on to those feelings, because there is so much love. Its just such an enormous loss and my heart is hurting. All I can say to you is know that you were loved and hold him close in your heart.

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We can all "survive"...but none of us will ever be the same again. It seems like I am having a harder time for some reason than I had been, I'm not sure why. I miss him. I miss everything about him, everything he did for me, how he was. I would give anything to have him back. This morning I was remembering last Valentine's Day...I never dreamed it would be our last one together. How much I miss that man. :(

Edited by kayc
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