How can 1 year feel so awful?

[Ceili]

I have not been here in awhile as an orthopedic issue has been consuming my time. Lots of pain. I was a figure skater when I was younger and really did a number on my spine. Plus I had a cancer scare and surgery...all OK. But now the pain is coming from this one year anniversary of mom's death. Why does it hurt so deeply? It was a year ago yesterday that mom had her stroke and the last time that I heard her voice. She hung on for a week longer but was unconscious. It was a shock because it was not what she was dying from. She had a severe lung disease that would have kept getting worse so the stroke and her quick death really was a blessing. She was my best friend. I cared for her for three years. I miss talking to her. I miss her love. I miss her companionship. My husband and I went to the mall today and had lunch where my mom and I had gone when she was well. I saw myself sitting there with her (I didn't really see her - just in my head). As the youngest of 6 children, I was the closest to her. Mom, can't you contact me in some way and tell me that all will be OK? I keep flashing back to that awful ambulance ride from the hospital to the hospice the day before you died. There was nothing left of you. 80# maybe? Will this get better? Or is it always going to hurt so much? A year. And I realize that the time without you is just going to keep getting longer and longer. Does it hurt more and more? I just want to see you. To give you one more hug. To tell you I love you. Why aren't there any answers? I have so much good in my life but right now am having a hard time appreciating it. Right now my heart is breaking all over again. Am I crazy?

[Mom's angel]

No you are not crazy. You have helped me many times in my grief. You are not crazy.

The stronger the love the harder the grief.

The bond between you and your mom is very strong,

I have read many people saying that grief has no time limits, it definitely does not have any time limit, feel the pain, let your self cry, maybe after some years you'll see how far you have reached in your journey and be proud of your self for managing things so well.

Your words hurts me, I know I'm no one to say all this to you as I'm myself only 3 months in my grief journey,

But sometimes it's not the time, the months or the years who decides how we will grive, it's our love, the bond, the affections and most importantly our own selves that has to feel the grief and let ourself go through it.

I wish that you soon receive a sign from your mom.

Takecare.

[kayc]

I think I miss my mom the more time goes by, so I understand how you're feeling.  It's been 1.5 years and my mom's birthday was Feb. 23rd so that stirred it up for me some more.

[Ceili]

Thank you Mom's angel and kayc. I wish you both moments of peace in these tough times. 3 months Mom's angel is no time at all. Thank you for reminding me that the the bond and love never dies.

[MartyT]

Ceili, my dear, you may find this article helpful: 9 Things I Learned In The Year After My Mother Passed  ♥

[Ceili]

Thanks Marty. Many things to inspire me and perhaps a different way to view things.

[Ceili]

I won't have time to write this tomorrow as we are traveling. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my mom/best friend's death. I never imagined it would hit so hard.

 

Mom, I love you and miss you so much. I know that you are happy and with dad. I am glad that you are suffering no longer. I will see you someday. Take care of my children who are in heaven with you. I love you and dad.

[Mom's angel]

We all are living our lives for the hope of meeting our beloved again in heaven. I know that it hurts, somewere we are all on the same path.