Question

[LoriW]

I am not someone who has lost a spouse. I lost my Mom suddenly on Nov. 30, 2005. She was 62. My Dad, who is 64, is alive. He and my Mom were marrie for 44 years, so they were basically kids when they got married. Needless to say, he is sad but seems to be doing okay. He has a strong support group of friends and relatives.

My question to you who have lost a spouse is this: Do you feel like you never want to celebrate the holidays with your surviving family again? My brother called and invited our Dad to visit him for Easter. My Dad said that he is not coming and that the holidays mean nothing to him any more and he is not celebrating them. I know that losing my Mom is NOT the same as losing a spouse but it breaks my heart to hear him say things like this. He spent a few hours with me and my family on Christmas day, which was hard for us all. I don't know. I guess I have my own grief over my loss and then I grieve for my Dad who lost someone he loved for more than half of his life. I know my Mom would want him to celebrate and be with us. It just makes me so sad to know I have lost my Mom and now my Dad doesn't want to "do" holidays anymore. Do you think this will change?

[WaltC]

I am not someone who has lost a spouse. I lost my Mom suddenly on Nov. 30, 2005. She was 62. My Dad, who is 64, is alive. He and my Mom were married for 44 years.

My question to you who have lost a spouse is this: Do you feel like you never want to celebrate the holidays with your surviving family again? .... I know that losing my Mom is NOT the same as losing a spouse .... It just makes me so sad to know I have lost my Mom and now my Dad doesn't want to "do" holidays anymore. Do you think this will change?

Hello Lori,

I am sorry that you lost your dear mom last year. I am a 61 year old man who was married to my 59 year old wife for over 40 years when she died last April. Like your Dad, I have NO interest whatsoever in "celebrating" any holidays again ever.

I have two adult children who still "enjoy" Christmas and birthday celebrations and they live in the same city as I do, so I "go along" with their observance of those days. I doubt that I add much, but I am present.

Other than from our children I have turned down invitations from other friends and relatives to join them for such holidays.

As you point out - losing a spouse is NOT the same as losing a parent or sibling. It is painful, but NOT the same.

I certainly grieved when my father and later my mother died, but the pain was not the same and not as "permanent" as losing a spouse. I can't say whether or not that will change for your Dad, but it probably won't for me. However, I was never one for big holiday celebrations.

I hope that you respect your father's wishes, but that shouldn't stop you from at least politely inviting him to any family celebrations.

My sympathy goes out to you and your Dad - take care.

[Bebekat]

Well I had a big reply here, but when I hit bold, I lost it all. Don't know how to get it back. Sorry

[Dusky]

LoriW,

I am so sorry for the loss of you Mother. I can only imagine your pain – I am luck as I have both of my parents – but they are both 84 – so I am sure I will know the depths of your loss soon.

As for your Father – I can certainly relate. Please be gentle with him – and keep contacting him and making the effort to include him in your celebrations. I lost my partner of 27 years last July. I am devastated most of the time. The loss of a mate is beyond my describing adequately – it’s as if half of me has died with him – most of the time I do not know where to turn – or how to continue. There is a tendency to withdraw – and that is where family and friends – and things like this grief site - come into play. It is so important for other people to contact your Father – don’t expect him to come to you. You and others who care about him need to make a super effort to reach out to him. Without your Mother he is totally lost. He cannot find himself because so much of what he was and the fabric of his life have been taken from him when your Mother died. He needs to repaint the picture of his life that he and your Mother were in the process of completing – when the picture was suddenly destroyed. He has to start form scratch and probably does not even know where to begin. It is a horrible and lonely feeling to lose the person you shared so many years with – creating that tapestry of your lives together. If you can call him everyday – if for no other reason than to let him know that there is another person out there who cares about him and knows he is alive. I am sure he wants to find a reason to live.

But I do have one suggestion for you when it comes to holidays. I just passed through the holidays and one of the things I did to make it through was to make sure my partner was specifically remembered when my friends and family got together. I did what I am about to describe whether people came to my house or if I went to their house. The following was set up as a Christmas remembrance – but you could do it for any holiday. I think if you make the following effort and tell your Father what you intend to do he would be more likely to want to participate since he would feel more like your Mom – his soul mate was with you all. Also let him know – and remind him often that you will never forget your Mother. For me one of the most important things is for others to tell me that they will never forget My Jack. It is a passion for me – and I bet it would be very important for your Father to be reminded - often – how much your Mother meant to you and that you will never ever forget the wonderful person she was. Talk about her often – your Father needs to hear you talk about her.

Here is what you do:

Get 5 candles – put them in small containers – then use the following written message to light each candle and speak the message for each candle. It’s a symbolic tribute to your Mother and your Fathers life long partner. I am attaching the verse I used for Jack – just modify it for your Mother - AND let your Father know that you intend to do this for other various family get celebrations. I hope this helps:

Holiday Candles for Jack

As we light these five candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, one for our love, and one for our hope.

This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.

This candle represents our courage – to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives.

This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things we did, and the caring and joy you gave us.

This candle is the light of love. As we enter this holiday season, day-by-day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us.

And this candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you and that are ours forever. May the glow of the flame be our source of hopefulness now and forever. We love you.

_________________________________

Because he has been here, I will be different than I would have been. I will have to become his legacy. He travels with me into tomorrow. He may have died, but love never ends.

_________________________________

I hope some of this helps you. I know it helps me – if it helped you.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

[kayc]

I, too, am sorry for the loss of your mother, and for what your dad is going through. I lost my beloved husband and I must say, I do not feel like any holidays or special occassions. I try for my kids' sakes, but I do not feel like anything. It's very hard for me...and for anyone who's gone through this. the only thing that I know to suggest is that you continue to make your dad feel welcome in your plans and that you maybe incorporate some type of memorial of your mother into your celebrations, something meaningful for your family. Everyone handles this differently, some might want to tell fond stories of her, some might want a ritual like lighting candles...some leave an empty plate and chair at the table representing their presence...for everyone it will be different depending on your family and how they are. I know I particularly like remembering and talking about my husband, especially the way he was, the sweet and funny things that come to remembrance. Your father is fortunate that he still has you and that you are sensitive and caring.

[LoriW]

Thank you so much for your replies. Each one of you have helped me see what my father is going through. As I write this I have tears welling up in my eyes because my Mom was my Dad's world. Not that he is incapable of things but it was ALWAYS my Mom and Dad. It's just hard to see one without the other.

Walt: Thank you for your kind words. I talk to my Dad the most out of our parent's 3 children. I am the only daughter and live the closest and I just feel very nurturing of him right now. I went with my daughters to see my Dad and I realized what he goes through. The quiteness in the house was deafening and this is what he deals with every night. No Mom anymore to talk to and share things with. I will respect his wishes but I don't want him to feel lonely and I only want him to know I love him.

Dusky: Thank you for the wonderful idea. My parents had such a special bond. They had known eachother since she was 17 and he was 19. I had a horrible Christmas...our plans changed drastically since my Mom had passed just 4 weeks before. I could barely think clearly and we did the best we could and I surely needed my Dad that day. I will keep the candle idea. I love it and I love to talk about my Mom to my own daughters.

KayC: Thank you for your comfort. I will always include my Dad but it makes me sad to know he doesn't really want to be with my or his granddaughters. I know it just may be too painful right now. I know the best way to remember my Mom is to keep her memory alive in my kids and my Dad told me soon after she passed away that the best thing to do for her is to love your girls. I am sure this is the most devestating thing he has had to face and I am almost hurting for him right now.

Thank you all!

[WaltC]

Walt: I am the only daughter and live the closest and I just feel very nurturing of him right now.... I will respect his wishes but I don't want him to feel lonely and I only want him to know I love him.

KayC: Thank you for your comfort. I will always include my Dad but it makes me sad to know he doesn't really want to be with my or his granddaughters.

(((((Lori)))))) Hugs to you and your daughters - Your Dad is fortunate to have someone like you who really cares about his well-being.

Perhaps he just doesn't want you or your daughters to see him cry. It's not easy being a father/grandfather and to be crying in front of your children - even though you know in your heart that they understand.

It's still so early in his journey of grief. We all move at our own pace. Please continue to be patient and know that it will get a little easier as time goes on.

And do take care of your self too!

[kayc]

I wouldn't say that he doesn't want to be with you or his granddaughters. It may just be a reminder of what they always had or did together. It's odd the things that strike us...sometimes it's things we'd never expect. And like Walt said, it could be that he doesn't want to be a downer around them. Just go at his pace with sensitivity towards him. It should ease up a little eventually. It's not like we ever stop grieving or missing our loved one, but rather that we learn to live with it...pain and all...eventually.

Edited February 22, 2006 by kayc